If you could find a companion care home would you be willing/able to afford the vet maintenance costs?
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I don’t think anyone will think badly of you if you have him PTS. A horse that is unrideable is hard to place. You could look for a retirement situation, but your current costs are not that far off what I pay for my TB’s retirement board ($425/month). You could probably find a less expensive options, but there’s a threshold under which you might not want to go because they may shirk on care.
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I would consider a couple of alternatives before goingvthe euthanasia route. One, is cheaper board available, even if it is far from you? Around here (upstate NY) people send their horses to Virginia and other Southern states. That’s if your horse would do well in a no frills pasture situation. Many horses will, but not all will.
The other would be to place him in a companion home, with you paying vet and farrier. This makes him a much more appealing companion than all the other free horses out there. If you go this route really beat the bushes – tell your vet, and every other vet practice, farriers, pony club, all your horsey friends, every online horse group etc. And if you are faced with a condition that comes with high vet costs you could always consider euthanasia then.
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OP, Just do it. Put him down, as much as it rips your heart out. There is no way to half-fix this; anything other than euthanasia will continue to stress your budget and your other relationships. And it will stress your horse and he already has issues and is at increased risk for repeated colic
It’s awful. But stop torturing yourself, Call the vet, hire a babysitter for a day or have your spouse be prepared to take care of the baby for the day and everything else at home, and go love up your horse, and then love him enough to let him go.
Many, many hugs.
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Wow, timely thread I found here. I appreciate the support I see here and hope I might get some. I’m in a situation that just keeps repeating and has me one the verge of a nervous breakdown: I’ve had horses over 45 years, since I was a young kid. In the last few years I finally downsized to one horse, my “heart horse” as people say. I haven’t loved and adored a horse like this one since my first horse (I did have a pony before my first horse). I adore this mare. I have had for for ten years, she is 15.
In our first year we had a blast for several months. Nine months in she suffered a major hock injury from what seemed at the time an incredibly mild slip in like an inch of mud. Just a weird little slip as we walked along as I was ponying another horse off of her. A month or so of misdiagnosis and she ended up having hock surgery. I left her with the vet long enough to get her through the worst of the recovery and she came through very well. Fast forward about five years, and she went lame, not that hock, who knows what. Front left among other things. Anyhoo, now almost four years later, we have had short stretches of time she seemed sound for riding. A month or so ago it came back with a vengeance. Got a referral to a new vet who said she was a “simple case like he sees every day.” Injected that hock, front coffin joints and knees. But she’s no better like he thought she would be and I cannot go back and have him guess at something more. The costs are so high.
I sold my horse property when I downsized and moved states so am dependent on boarding barns.
I adore her but I am so done. My mental health is in horrible shape, physically I’m spent from the stress, the rollercoaster of other horse people and vets telling me they see nothing or they see she is quite lame but don’t know why. Up and down, around and around, tapping into my savings, maxing out credit cards. I never want to see her suffer. I have looked for two years for retirement boarding that would give her an actually pleasant existence. It does not exist and at this point I can’t continue to afford her. It isn’t fair to my husband who I actually love and enjoy. I feel so lost and alone and he is extremely uncomfortable with me mentioning euthanasia. But I know there are fates worse than that. He isn’t so sure and now I fear he won’t be able to handle it if I go through with it. He doesn’t truly understand, I believe. He said, “she could go to one of those places that gives rides on the beach.” OMG that is a fate worse than death for any horse let alone a lame one. So while he wants to support me he isn’t as strong as me on some issues so that is more stress.
I see stories of so many people giving un rideable horses beautiful retirements but it just doesn’t seem to be anything I can find. I see forums for people who just enjoy horses without riding, who enjoy liberty work, but I can’t find anyone like that to place my mare with. She loves just hanging out or playing at liberty, at the walk, lol.
How do you get the courage to go through with euthanizing a horse you adore and who otherwise appears happy and healthy? If you just see her in her paddock or even ridden at the walk, she usually looks great.
But she is not. She is very lame at the trot.
I know how people are: they will “ rescue” a horse and ride it despite it being lame and I feel like such a loser that I am not in a position to buy another horse property and take care of her forever, provide her more horses for company … it never ends.
I don’t want another horse. I am so in love with my mare but owning her seems to be killing me. The anxiety I feel daily is so extreme. I break out in tears often. I know she has tried so hard for me but it is clear she is permanently unsound.
I am so deeply depressed over this whole part of my life that I just cannot seem to do right. This has been an overwhelming feeling for me 90% of the previous decade plus of horse ownership. Yes, I have even tried mental health counseling. This is pure insanity. All words of support greatly appreciated, or ideas I haven’t thought of.
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You get the courage because it’s not about you. You have to step up in order to do what is best for the horse, given all the dynamics of the real world we live in.
In terms of your mental health, you’re saying you’re done. So, get done. We know it is brutally hard, but, listen to what your brain, and your horse, are telling you. You have to take action or nothing will change. You already have all the information you’re ever going to get. The decision is unlikely to get any easier. It’s not an easy situation. There is no win-win. There is only, “I did the best I could at the time, given everything else.”
In terms of alternatives, if you can afford a retirement situation, you have not been able to find something reputable, maybe in Virginia or in the horsey areas of the Carolinas?
Many, many hugs.
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Thank you, I appreciate your feedback. I sure wish I had people in my real life who didn’t just inhale and turn away, I’m sure you know what I mean. I am not in a popular position. As for retirement boarding, I am in the Northwest. An individual mud/dry lot is what I can find for remotely affordable retirement boarding. Not a life with herd mates, not a good life. Just keeping her existing is a low standard and if she can only exist, can’t thrive, then it isn’t good enough. Horses need more than just food and water.
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Reading your post, it sounds like your mind is made up and you’ve done all you can to find alternatives, but the main thing holding you back is your husband’s potential reaction. Even if this option has been mentioned, have you had a REAL talk with him about it?
Reading your post, it is very obvious you agonize over and adore this horse, and if it’s obvious to me as a stranger I can’t imagine your husband doesn’t know you love her. I think it’s important to have a realistic discussion. I can very much empathize with your situation as my partner isn’t equipped for that sort of decision easily either, but a frank, GENTLE conversation is what’s needed here.
He needs to understand your mare is in chronic, undiagnosable, potentially long-term pain that will ruin you financially to pursue further. She isn’t living carefree like the other horses. If he thinks selling her to be RIDDEN is an option, then it doesn’t sound like he has a full picture of her physical issues and that needs to be fully driven home: she is in pain, she cannot be ridden, and as beautiful a world as that would be, you cannot trust someone else (especially if they’re running a business) to make the same careful decisions you would about her comfort. I deeply believe in “better a day too soon than a day too late”, and that’s really what he needs to hear. It’s about giving your mare DIGNITY and letting her go when she’s free and happy, not in worse pain, which hopefully a gentle but direct conversation would help him see.
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And remember too, they are designed to hide their pain. The weak ones get killed in the wild, so it is literally in their DNA to be stoic. She appears bright eyed because in her world there is no other option.
My S.O. also does not fully understand the economics of why lame horses can’t just hang around forever. He equates them too much to dogs, and not enough to very expensive livestock.
She doesn’t know about tomorrow. She knows about “right now”. Right now she’s in pain.
It’s ok to let her go.
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I might sound harsh here, I’ve dealt with my fair share of lame horses one is 6yrs old and sitting in a field for the rest of his life. I do absolutely commiserate and understand that euthanasia might be the best option for everyone in this situation.
However, flame suit on, your anxiety and depression sounds worse than just this one issue. I’ve also dealt with crippling anxiety and I don’t think that making any decision in that state is smart. I think you need to seek out a therapist to help you work through your feelings and then take your husband with you to talk about the options for your horse and why euthanasia is the best option. Having a neutral party there to help you through that discussion. I have a feeling that if you made the decision and went through with it right now your depression and anxiety wouldn’t go away but be replaced with guilt and continue to be a problem that you ultimately have to deal with.
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You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about or ashamed of.
All the money in the world can’t fix this.
Make a date with the vet, arrange for her final resting place, and then spoil her rotten until it’s time.
She will be alive and then she won’t. Horses live in the moment.
I get it that your husband doesn’t understand.
My parents had a cat that they let go on way too long. She had arthritis to the point that she could barely get around. My mother wanted to have her put to sleep, but my stepfather kept putting it off so my mother finally took pity on the poor cat and told him that she was taking the cat to the vet whether he liked it or not. He finally gave in.
You have done all that you can and should do.
It’s hard as hell to let go, but it is the most loving and unselfish gift you can give to your horse.
I hope this helps.
Hugs to you
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Thank you all, this helps so much. I’ve been at this “breaking point” a long time. I have definitely spent money on counseling. That is just more of the insanity as I pay to sit and cry about this un-winnable situation. Yes, I do not arrive at this lightly, it has been years in the making. One of you nailed it, my husband not
fully understanding is an added stress for me and is the last thing causing me to hesitate. The stress this whole thing has had on my marriage is incredible. My husband is my husband because he was the first man I’ve ever met who has supported my love of horses. Wholeheartedly. Our life has revolved around horses and my depression has been recurring in sync with horse issues.
This horse’s lameness on and off and the vets we’ve paid, how we’ve gotten hope up then crashed. Over and over. It isn’t just this lameness, though it is the last straw. Owning horses involves too many dramatic ups and downs for my heart and soul. Thank you all for your words of understanding.
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I think you are approaching this reasonably, but you don’t have the support system you need to go through with your decision. That is a big deal. Your husband doesn’t understand. Could he go to counseling with you? Next step would be to find a vet who will agree that the lameness is not fixable without possibly throwing a ton more money in (to really figure out why she is so lame) for uncertain results. Maybe the vet could help your husband understand what the options really are and considerations for quality of life.
Otherwise, your option for retirement seems to be to send her to another state where there’s a better environment. What would he say if you did that and rarely if ever got to visit the horse? Maybe she’d have a nice retirement for some unknown amount of time, but now you are spending the money without the companionship. And while reputable places exist for such absentee retiree owners, I have a feeling you would still have a lot of anxiety over that having her where you can’t keep an eye on her.
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Hugs and jingles to you. As someone who also suffers anxiety/depression, I totally get where you’re coming from - you’re okay until ‘something’ happens - a trigger - that pushes you into the deep end, and you just feel like you can’t come back from it. And it sounds like your horse is your trigger.
Ultimately, the horse is yours. Not your husband’s. It is your call, not his. You know you need to do what is best for your horse. This may be controversial, and I fully admit there is a reason I am not in a committed relationship, but this is my two cents’: stop discussing it with your husband. No discussion needs to be had at this point. Call the vet. Make the appointment. TELL your husband that you are having your horse put down, because she is permanently lame and in pain and you, as a caring and dedicated owner, cannot force her to endure it anymore.
This is what I had to do with my dad, who has this hang-up about putting animals down. He argued with me and got mad at me with every horse (God knows why, they’re mine and I pay for them!), and it took him seeing one of my mares literally shaking and clacking her teeth in agony as we waited for the vet to make him understand that I didn’t do these things lightly, which I guess is what he thought.
At the end of the day, you know what’s best for you and your horse. Your husband is not being supportive. So ignore him, and do what you need to do. Talk to your vet, make the appointment, spoil your mare, and then let her go.
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Yes, we all have our limitations and just as I want him to accept mine I have to accept his. I wish he could support me more emotionally, but he can only do what he is capable of. We are all damaged humans in one way or another. And if it goes really bad with him, then I will deal with that. I have always known he is not as pragmatic or strong as I when it comes to some of life’s tough decisions, in some areas he is stronger than I. But he has encouraged and supported this habit and thrown plenty of money at it, too. I even went last night to look at another potential retirement boarding. Knee deep mud, like I have not seen since I was a kid. Lots of questions about why I “thought” my are wasn’t rideable. Why do people insist on challenging a horse owner about this?
So scary. I have been in the horse world long enough to know that the potential for something to go bad or someone to sneak a ride on my horse is very real. She is a big, beautiful mare who people can’t imagine isn’t strong and able. I have vet records and countless videos to show her lameness, yet still feel somehow as if I am imagining it all.
I am going to talk to our vet today. He is the one who recently referred me to a another vet who specializes in lameness and while he assured me at the visit that this was an easy case, now that she hasn’t improved he says bring her back, take more days off work, spend more money….just feels like a big scam. So it isn’t even the horse and her lameness that cause me to feel so depressed. The people I have had to deal with in this journey are so exhausting. Anyhow, thanks again, the support here is very kind.
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I am sure your husband is just thinking of how much you love your horse and trying to spare you the pain of putting her down. He sounds like a wonderful, caring man even though he is unknowingly adding to your burden on the matter.
Horse ownership should not cause this kind of pain, anguish and anxiety. You have done your best for her for a long, long time. You know she will never be sound and as painful as it will be you need to think of her future and your own personal/ mental wellbeing and that is likely euthanasia.
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Thank you so much for this. Yes, I know my husband has bent over backwards to support my love of this horse. He does so much to show he loves me and I know men, especially, do not like to feel helpless. I am like a man on that regard; I like to solve problems rather than just gripe about them. This has been a problem I cannot solve and I feel like a complete loser. My mare is so cute and it kills me to be in this position.
I called my vet this morning and the gal I spoke to about my reason for calling was very kind and said he was actually in office all day and she would have him call me, but he didn’t. 
I’d give your vet a little more time, but I’d also be prepared for him not to be the most supportive either. It happens.
So in that case I might reach out to the lameness specialist. Have this vet coordinate with your referring vet to send over all records and images. Be up front that you think the lameness is not curable. Are considering euthanasia. Do not want to spend a ton on diagnostics. But if your vet isn’t supportive, go ahead with the evaluation. A good lameness vet will have the eye you need and can lay out options and discuss expectations. Perhaps this vet would give you the support you need to arrange the end.
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I’m so grateful for my vet. Last year I was in a similar situation with my old horse. Not at deaths door, but obviously, to me, not doing well.
My vet was the one who kindly said to me “don’t put him through another winter, don’t spend any more emotional and financial capital trying to fix the unfixable.”
It was OK. It was the right thing to do. Even though I miss the old boy dreadfully, I dont have to worry about him all the time.
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They can get so busy and even a great vet will be lax about calling you back if they get busy enough.
I would actually schedule a appointment to either have them out or go in so you can talk it out . Yes, you will pay for the time but then he will be all yours and you will have his undivided attention.
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