Beaten Down and Could Use Some Positive Vibes

[Samantha37]

Everything was going to swimmingly well until the past few weeks and I have just been really struggling. I could use some positive vibes

First and most important, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer (caught early, the prognosis is good). I also have a lot of other stress going on… I am moving my horses due to a variety of reasons but that is never easy. Then my “big” horse (my 3rd level OTTB) started to seem like he might be peaking due to age and soundness… so that depressed me, but then I sent a current video to my trainer and she talked me off the ledge… I started getting motivated again only to come out the next day and find my new OTTB kicked my big guy in the face and broke his facial crest.

So now we are trying to manage the swelling and suspected infection before the surgeon wants to see him.

I had to split the two horses up so now my young OTTB is alone and is not handling it well. Hopefully the new barn will have a group of horses he can go out with safely. I just don’t even feel like riding him at this point, especially when he is even more sensitive/neurotic than usual because of his turnout situation. I have zero motivation.

Between the freezing cold weather and crappy snow/ice, my mom, moving the horses and trying to organize everything for that, my #1 horse getting kicked in the face… I just have had it. I can’t stop crying (or constantly holding back tears) and I am just in a really rough spot.

Sorry for the rambling. It might not seem like a lot but I’m already struggling with SAD and emotional instability due to a variety of factors (I have bipolar disorder). I know this too shall pass, but could definitely use some positive vibes from my COTH friends.

[netg]

Give yourself permission to take off all pressure around riding goals. That is a LOT at once, and progression in dressage is so much less important than your and your mother’s health.
I just found out my mom has chronic kidney disease which is rapidly worsening due to her unwillingness to do anything about it, so she’s probably going to end up on dialysis soon, and won’t be healthy enough for a transplant list - I get being stressed about parents!

I hope your mom beats it, your horse recovers, and you are able to take care of yourself as you need.

[Tyrus_Mom]

While all that stuff is horrible and I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes either… there are lights at the end of the tunnels. First, thank God your mother’s breast cancer was caught. My own mother who raised me alone without child support died of metastatic cancer within several months of diagnosis when I was 26 y.o. and in the midst of going through a very painful divorce. (yes, I relied heavily on my dogs and horse for support because I was very much alone otherwise at that time.) There was nothing left but to accept what was happening to her and say goodbye and that was hideous. You are very lucky your mom can overcome this. They have so many better treatments than they had decades ago. So many more survivors too.

The horse problems are a bump in the road compared to your mom’s cancer. Time will heal all. You can overcome this and laugh about your depression in a few months. I know when things look rough I always think that there is a beginning and end to difficult issues and there always are. You just have to focus on the positive and believe that you can overcome this. Whatever the long term prognosis with your horses will eventually be sorted out. You will handle it. Believe in yourself and your strength. You will get to the end of the tunnel, healed and stronger if nothing else, by time under the pressure. Spring will come, the days will get longer and brighter, you will ride again, your older horse will heal, your resentment at the younger horse will pass and you will be happy again.

Right now, the best thing to do is if you can’t ride, go to a gym and exercise. I have found that exercise helps a depressed mental state tremendously. When my mom was dying I would ride my horse before work and after work I would walk my dog for miles. It helped my mental outlook during the darkest time in my life. Good luck.

[netg]

Oh, and because you shared about your bipolar battles and SAD, please go to your preferred professionals sooner rather than later if you feel you’re at all headed down a negative path. You deserve to feel happy, and not have your head held below the emotional waterline as you choke on all you’re feeling.

[Libby2563]

I’m so sorry, OP. That is a lot going on at once. I think you should give yourself permission to be sad and upset and stressed out for a little while. Don’t feel like you have to hold it together (except maybe at work!). I hope you already have access to a good therapist given your SAD and bipolar disorder, but if you don’t, that should be a high priority. Also some IRL friends that you can lean on a bit. And figure out what does make you happy right now and do more of that, whether it’s curling up with a good book instead of braving the cold to ride, or going out with friends, or whatever.

Also like @netg said, let go of any pressure to ride right now. A lot of people give their horses time off in the winter so maybe just decide to do that until you want to ride again and are not just doing it because you feel like you need to. The reason for the time off sucks, but it may benefit you and your horses to take a breather.

I can’t say I’ve been exactly where you are, but I have been super overwhelmed by horse-related shit that just keeps piling on, and I did lose my dad to cancer. There have been times when I was crying multiple nights per week and couldn’t see the way past it all. It’s hard to see it in the moment but things will get better!

Sending you good vibes!

[Samantha37]

Thanks everyone. I definitely have been seeing my therapist and psychiatrist more than normal to try to get myself straightened out. I was diagnosed 20 years ago with bipolar so unfortunately/fortunately I know the way this cycle works.

I’m trying to give myself permission to back off on the riding, it’s just hard. I really don’t want to lose precious ground I have gained with the new guy so I’ve got guilt from that.

[merrygoround]

You will not lose ground. Horses, for better or worse, remember what they have learned. So a short in the saddle vacation will do no harm.

Your priority right now is to get you back together, so that you don’t, through your problems create problems for your future progress. If you can, do ground work with him to keep him occupied and relaxed, and do as much physical exercise as you can as well as seeing your therapists.

[Jackie_Cochran]

Don’t worry too much about your horse forgetting stuff (though you may have to work on your horse’s fitness at first.)

I was just starting a 4 year old Arab mare under saddle. The last ride before a drunk driver drove head first into my car I had introduced something new.

THREE YEARS LATER I finally got up on her back again, and you know what? The first time I asked her to do what I had just introduced her to three years earlier, she obeyed me perfectly.

I have found that many horses do well with a long break, it gives them time to think things through and to figure out what you were doing. I never had a three year break before, but I never lost much ground with a month or two off either. Horses appreciate being able to think stuff through. Plus a winter off gives the horse time to heal any small, unnoticeable injuries and many seem to feel better and come back ready to work.

Take care of yourself, you are under a heavy load. I doubt that your horse will take the break personally and there probably won’t be any resentment from the horse when you start riding again. Horses are emotionally quite self-sufficient if they have other horses to relate to, as in they do not really need us to feel fulfilled in life.

[MissAriel]

Definitely give yourself a break with respect to your riding goals. You are dealing with much more important things right now. Your horses won’t care and will likely benefit from the break. Last fall I had to take 6 weeks off from riding while a small mass on my horse’s back was treated. He remained in work with ground work, lunging, long lining… just no saddle. But he really seemed to appreciate the change of pace and came back to under saddle work much more mentally “there”. He is only 5, so some was just mentally maturing a bit, but I really think the break helped too.

Your horses can still be there for you too, whether or not you are progressing or even riding. I have dealt with clinical depression for 30 years, and my mom is bipolar, so I am familiar with the “cycle”. For me, some days it is enough that I can go to the barn, groom my boy, give him scritches and listen to him munching his hay. He helps me find peace on days when quiet eludes me and joy when things are dark. Yes, I take my meds, and go to therapy, but he is also there to help as well.

You are addressing everything. You know the situation sucks. Nothing will change how badly it sucks. All you can manage is how you approach the suckiness, and it sounds like you have some support, and a plan. Give yourself time to let the plan work, and don’t beat yourself up if the plan changes. You know how this works and will get through this too, although it will take some effort.

Many jingles for you, your mom and your horses. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

[anon6923113]

I will echo what everyone else has sad - be kind to yourself.

This time of year can be VERY hard on people with mood disorders. I have had issues with SAD in the past, and have chronic depression. Mid January to early February has always been a tough time. Good for you on being self-aware - that’s so important. Follow up with your medical providers and inform them about life stressors with your Mom’s diagnosis, and how you are currently feeling. Perhaps there is some limited temporary support they can suggest that will help you feel a bit better. I used a little light therapy lamp in the morning a few years ago - it helped me quite a bit. Also - maybe get your Vitamin D levels checked. Low Vitamin D happens around this time of year, especially in women as we hit middle age and older, and it’s DEFINITELY linked to fatigue, and mood changes (it affects serotonin production I think, as well as other issues in the body).

As as far as horses… give yourself permission to shift from training to just grooming and walking on them. I find that is ALWAYS emotionally beneficial to me during times of stress, and is good for my horses. My experience is that I successfully navigate challenging periods with life, horses, illness, family, and DEFINITELY depression when I focus on it succumbing to “all or nothing” approaches to everything I find a routine ten minute walk or jog for me (aerobic exercise and fresh air help so much with everything), and a 15 or 20 minute hack here or there turn a bad day into a pretty good one. And if I work to have more good days than bad ones in a single week… within a month, the tide shifts, and I feel like life is headed in a more positive direction.

Hang in there.

[right_horse_at_the_right_time]

First, ignore the post above where she tries to “one-up” your grief about your mom. Not helpful when someone tries to tell you how lucky you SHOULD feel.

Grieve. Allow yourself to mourn these events. Allow yourself to process, and follow the other advice above.

Hang in there.

[Shagyas_Rock]

Bipolar depression tends to be more intense/difficult than unipolar depression - so if you’re heading toward a depressive episode, problems and worries and setbacks are all going to seem all the worse.
You have legitimate reasons to feel down - not only is your bipolar kicking you, but anyone would struggle with the things your are going through.
One thing that might help is taking stock. Try to see your problems as realistically as possible. Are they fixable? Are they something that will change/get better or are they permanent? Can you find a way to hang in there and cope until change begins to happen?
They say that “good times never last” and that may be true - but the bad times don’t either. The one thing you can count on in life is change, and when things are done going south - they start to head north.
Start taking inventory of everything that is going right - starting with the good prognosis for your mom - and go from there.
Take your meds - get plenty of rest - be good to yourself - reach out for support - you’ll make it.

[emipou]

There is already wonderful advice here. I just wanted to give you big e-hugs

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[Wanderosa]

I’m really sorry. Each of those things would’ve been a lot by themselves. Let alone all at once.

Do you practice yoga? Yin or restorative yoga might be especially helpful. In either style, the teacher will go around the room offering a lot of assists and helping you adjust into each pose. A good teacher will make you feel cared for, which is something most of us grown ups don’t get enough of!

It’ll be ok. But sometimes getting to OK is the tough part, isn’t it? Hope things start to look up soon.

[JLR1]

OP I feel for you and know the stress of having a parent facing cancer diagnosis well. It’s totally normal to feel sadness and fear and I think I cried uncontrollably for several weeks until acceptance of the diagnosis set in. I then armed myself with as much information as I could and this has been a big help to my mom. Helping explain to her in layman’s terms what the treatment will be like, side effects etc. have helped take away the scary unknown for her and useful tips to make it manageable have helped her cope and made me feel like a partner in her treatment. Inspire.com is a chat forum I go to regularly for real life experiences. It gives me hope. Luckily your mom sounds like she has a good prognosis.

Lots of helpful advice and I hope you get past this rough patch soon. (((Hugs)))