I never questioned her commitment to the program. It was the comment that she felt left out…that usually has NOTHING to do with her commitment to any program but her own feelings. In MOST barns…if you are not physically boarding there…you can get that feeling of being left out unless it is one of those places where the trainer makes a big effort at inclusiveness…which in my experience is very uncommon. In any environment…work, school, sport …we sometimes have to learn how to assert ourselves to get involved and feel included. If you are a bit of an introvert (like I actually am)…this takes effort on our part too. This is also a common issue for many many many teenage girls. We here in cyber space do NOT know exactly what is going on. I’m not going to crucify anyone. But all I do know is that the daughter feels hurt and left out…whether for reason or not…it really doesn’t matter. They are her feelings. My only point is that based on what the OP has posted, her daughter like many teens…doesn’t want to assert herself and now feels left out at this barn. IME, that doesn’t change. So look for a new farm BUT also recognize that it takes effort by both sides to feel included and a part of things…more when you are not boarding with a barn but also when you are there. Its a life skill…and useful in many situations. I played multiple team sports from the age of 7…and still had to learn it and work at it. Kids who ride…also have to learn the skill…and trainers and parents can help but if they do all the work…kids don’t learn the skill either. In the above…its as simple as saying hey coach, I heard so and so audited a Bucks clinic with you…please let me know if there are any other such other auditing opportunities. I’d love to go and learn. Or do the research on clinics and ask your couch if this such and such clinic would be worth you going to audit or even attend.
I agree with BFE I had a case of the feeling of being left out - like when your horse dies and everyone says ‘don’t be a stranger.’
The step up to the plate in life lesson here is for the teen. Important life lesson/skill is learning how to open doors for yourself. I spent a lot of time fostering this in my kids when they were young. I had to learn this on my own I grew up with NO parenting.
Ditto. Always been a bit more independent. I WANT to be included, I enjoy the fun times out with the group. But we are never looked at as the program riders, the ones who jump and go whenever. Being an adult ammy has its downfalls too, have to work around my stupid work schedule… but I need that job to enjoy it, so I must keep the job I guess.
Luckily my now coach includes me as much as she can, she always asks, even if I’m bummed that I can’t make it. She gets it, she knows my wallet isn’t deep and knows I have a schedule to work with. I miss out on a lot of things, but its still nice to be thought of.
Just a thought but has your daughter talked to her BFF about this? Honestly, I am kind of surprised the BFF didn’t mention how much your DD would like to come to the clinic. Sometimes it is easier to speak up for a friend than yourself.
It does sound like the trainer had one stall, your horses need 2, and also that your daughter is still able to participate in lessons/training where she is and the BFF is getting a horse for the first time so “needed” the stall more. I think that’s a reasonable decision for the trainer to make, but she should have discussed it with you and assured you space when she has it. Many trainers just aren’t good communicators, though.
FWIW my agreement with my in-house trainer is that we prioritize her active clients when I have a space. It’s only fair, it is hard enough to make a living in this sport. We watch out for each other and yes, that sometimes means the wait list gets rearranged to benefit her business.
Curious if you know the OP or the trainer involved and have inside information? Because only one side of this story is being told and it does not make sense at face value.
To turn this around, why on earth WOULD a trainer piss off Good Clients who bring her other good clients and have a commitment to her program for years? And purposely invite the second client (who is BFFs with the Good Client) to a clinic over the Good Clients? And risk losing the Good Clients who now have multiple horses to put in her care?
I mean, if you know the trainer and know up front she is a witch and just wants to piss off her Good Clients in favor of newer clients who may or may not stick around as long as the Good Clients do, then it makes perfect sense. The rest of us don’t have this information though. If it is just not a good fit personality wise, well that happens and time to move on. But otherwise I really need the other half of the story to fully understand it.
Oh dear god no.
I have no idea about anything than what OP posted. From that - and only from that - I formed the opinion that the trainer does not value OP as a client and falls short in the professionalism department.
As for all the speculating and blaming everyone and anyone (including the BFF!), I’m not interested in that kind of fan fiction. I just went by what OP posted. It appears from the numbers that a fair amount of readers have agreed with me.
You have a very active imagination. I am not blaming the BFF, but if the BFF is a BFF and the girls talk about deep issues like this, and OP’s kid is shy, maybe that would be a way to help resolve the situation so the best friends can keep riding together. I am super shy about myself but the first to speak up for a friend so I just thought that might be an avenue to address this for a conflict avoider.
99% of horse professionals fall short in the professionalism department. Communicating effectively is better than getting hurt feelings, quitting a trainer, and ending up with someone with whom you will learn to play a new set of mind games.
The flip side of daughter being a good client for four years…is the trainer perhaps doesn’t think she has to ‘work’ to keep her as a client. Which isn’t to say she’s being professional or that OP should put up with that, just that trainer might assume status quo will continue and therefore not prioritize daughter for stalls.
Wow! I had no idea this topic would bring so much discussion!!! I am pleased to have had an honest and productive discussion with the trainer and I can fill in some holes 😊😊😊
The Buck Davidson clinic - trainer was only allowed to bring ONE person with her due to Covid-19 precautions in our area. My daughter’s BFF had been scheduled to work at the barn those two days, but trainer needed offsite assistance and took BFF because she needed barn manager to stay and manage stuff at the farm.
The lack of boarding slots was actually fully explained by trainer and truly was a matter of circumstance. There are lots of moving parts in the story and being privy to some of the struggles trainer went through, I respect and understand her decision.
Trainer loves teaching my daughter and her super cool horse. She doesn’t want us to leave, but she also understands where we are at right now, too. We left it as open for future working relationships.
My daughter was able to process the entire conversation and feels like the issue is resolved. She is sad that she has decided to leave. But also realizes that in this point in time, the trainer won’t be able to support her needs. This was purely because trainer doesn’t want to travel to different areas for events. Our events in this area keep getting canceled, so we are forced to go to neighboring areas to get our events in this summer. The new trainer is going to most of the out-of-area events for the same reason, so my daughter will have support at home or at events.
Thank you all for weighing in on the topic!
glad it is much less personal than thought in the OP. Good luck!
I feel you on this…deep feels!!!
Sounds great. Keep the relationship with the old trainer open. I work with several trainers (they are all different and important to me)…She isn’t leaving as much as she is EXPANDING her knowledge base and connections. It is good to do this and learn more tools…and also just part of growing as a rider.
This. Every trainer I have worked with was ok with this.
Just an opinion, but in a way you and your daughter now have the best of all worlds, OP. You do not ‘belong’ to one trainer. Be clear with the next one that while you consider yourself in his/her program and under their guidance, from time to time you may work with others, just for a broad experience. No disrespect to the “primary” trainer. Getting this in the conversation up front can avoid some awkward times later.
The only thing I ever had a trainer caution about was outside instruction that undid what they were trying to build. I’d keep lines of communications open, and if the primary trainer has an issue with something your daughter is learning from another source, you can be respectful of that in your future choices.
And you are setting a great example for your daughter of communications and flexibility, and making the changes that are best for herself. From what little you have referenced, sounds like she’s already handling such choices well.
Good for you and your daughter to keep expanding your horizons! Wishing you both a great equestrian summer! 
Glad everything was resolved and things were better explained. Good luck with the new trainer! I hope you daughter has a lot of fun in the future. Riding and showing should be FUN!
