Does anyone else have the unsupportive husband issue?

Wow. There seems to be some sensitivity going on about this whole subject. From housewives being worthless, to authors not being fair in writing a book for women AND men…

Sheesh. I don’t think that if your SO is an asshole, ANYBODY here is telling you to ‘just deal with it’, or ‘suck it up’. I think what everybody is saying, is take a look in the mirror and make sure it’s not you who’s being an asshole with a skewed sense of ‘fairness’ before you throw the “Big D” out there…right?

[QUOTE=Angela Freda;4057312]
Does she have the complimentary ‘10 things men do to mess up their lives’?[/QUOTE]

Yes, actually.

I have been married for over 20 years, and have had horses since we passed our 3 MONTH anniversary.:smiley:

My husband is my partner in life. He is not jealous of the horses, but he does envy me, because I have a passion. He has interests and hobbies, but he has not found a passion, like my passion for horses. How do I know this? We have talked about it.

We’ve had arguments over horses, but there are several things that we’ve done to make things work.

We both make about the same amount of money. And while we’ve divided up expenses rather than pool the money, it is reasonably equitable…he saves what I spend on horses though, which means that in a financial pinch, HE is the one with resources. But, a lot of what I spend enhances the family quality of life because I’m not spending all my money on shows and lessons (although, I will not lie, I spend a fair chunk of change on those).

We have one son, and for those of you with children, in OUR world, a parent cannot babysit their own child. It is not possible, nor is it negotiable. If I need to leave to do something, he simply had kid duty. He could no more babysit our son than I could. One of us had to take care of the kid and he knew that riding was important to me.

No marriage that lasts has no bumps, and mine is no exception. There were times when I was too selfish, there were times when he was too selfish. And you can be selfish with your self, your time, your money, etc.

1 Like

I don’t have this problem as my horse IS my husband! LOL!

I’ve never been married and support my horses 100,000%. All my bills are paid by me and me alone. I have an 8 year old kid too - just started collecting a meager child support payment each month. That’s about all the support I get financially.

Last BF stated to me in a disgusted manner after watching me cuddle with my horse (and I have 3 by the way) “you really love that horse don’t you?” He was GONE the next day.

There are a lot of people who do not understand our love for a horse. I don’t get it. Your husband should be happy you aren’t with another man or arenm’t on drugs or out drinking in bars. Animals are a healthy obsession. And as for putting the horse before your spouse - don’t we put our kids before our spouses? Animals and children cannot fend for themselves and need unconditional love and support. A spouse/BF/GF should understand this and if they are secure in themselves they would have no problem with horse ownership. They would join in and become your biggest fan at horseshows, etc.

I disagree with this. My SO has absolutely no interest in horses, except to humor me and go on the VERY occasional trail ride.

He has an all-consuming hobby that I don’t feel I need to join into, as I have no interest in it. I do ask him about it, just as he asks about the horses and various other animals I have.

We have other common ground, and that’s where we truly connect. We make time for each other, and that’s where we strengthen our bond; not by forcing ourselves to pretend to be interested in each other’s hobbies.

Being a supportive spouse/SO doesn’t mean having to force an interest into your passion. It means that they understand, and give you the space to enjoy it.

Ahhh… but the key for me? Hubby and I were both on the same page when we first started dating that neither of us wanted children. Just our choice. Like someone else posted… what works for some people doesn’t work for others.

I am sorry you are frustrated… I can’t even imagine what it’s like to have to give up that independence. But you both chose to have a child and you both chose that you would stay home w/ the child.

I’ll quote the movie “Dangerous Minds” w/ Michelle Pfeiffer:

“You always have a choice… There are no victims in this classroom.”

[QUOTE=pony89;4057456]
Yes, actually.[/QUOTE]

Well that’s great then.
It seems to me, by nature, women are more introspective and look into themselves to solve problems or often for the source of the problem so a book for many might be redundant. The men I’ve known, to generalize, have been less naturally so. We’ve got ‘rules’ and all kinds of guides aimed at helping us understand and work within the mens nature- hello! What about our nature!?? Where’s their book telling them to learn to love shoes and share more?

A marriage is a very personal agreement between two people, and it should be those 2 people who make the rules about what’s ‘fair’ within that arrangement.
When one of the partners has a ‘passion’ it’s sometimes a reason for outsiders to feel badly for the non-passionate partner thinking s/he may be being taken advantage of.

So while communication between the 2 is important to decide on those game rules, it’s also sometimes important for them to share with others as well how their arrangement works for them, as unconventional as it might seem. For example- a friend who just recently was separated: his wife never did any of the shopping, cleaning, cooking, schlepping,… some said “Poor Dan”. Others recognized Dan is a big boy and can decide for himself what he’s willing to do .
All this is to say sometimes I wonder how much of our ‘un-supportive husbands’ issues come from outside influences?

got rid of the unsupportive husband.
found my new love (6.5 year together, married in Sept) online.
in my profile I wrote
<<my horse is my primary relationship>>

she drives the trailer and gives him baths and grazes him and feeds him carrots. he likes her more than me.

all is good

So why’d ya marry him??? Was this an issue from the start? What changed?

[QUOTE=LSM1212;4057515]
Ahhh… but the key for me? Hubby and I were both on the same page when we first started dating that neither of us wanted children. Just our choice. Like someone else posted… what works for some people doesn’t work for others.

I am sorry you are frustrated… I can’t even imagine what it’s like to have to give up that independence. But you both chose to have a child and you both chose that you would stay home w/ the child.[/QUOTE]
Life’s a journey, and something I never considered a potential problem has become one.
So I’ve learned a little something more about myself. Yippee, more reasons to continue counseling! At this point I think we should just finish off our ‘bonus space’ and move the woman in!

Had I simply added a kid to my life as it was, things might have been A-ok, but that’s not how things played out. What’s that they say about the ‘best laid plans’?
Alas one can’t know how one will react to a situation fully, until their knee deep in it.

I probably should be posting on the supportive husband thread. Saw my horse on the track at the end of the season five years ago and fell in love. Hubby’s non-horsey. I dabbled in the sport. Neither of us had ever considered taking on a horse before, but we talked about the long term commitment, how finances would have to be rearranged, and I bought him. Hubby’s never quibbled about the cost of anything since. Supplements. Tack. Vet. Farrier. Where I thought a trailer was an unnecessary cost, he insisted we should get one in case there was ever an emergency in the middle of the night. He researched what was available, we checked out the models together at the EA, and bought one. Makes jokes a horse’s price tag is the least you’ll ever spend on them. Was right there beside me, helping string electric tape along the pasture fenceline, and currying an awful case of rainrot, when it didn’t let up for two weeks straight. Most of my memories are of talking, laughing, dealing with whatever. Never once was there a moment of resentment. Jealousy. Bitterness. And why is that? Why do I read these threads where there’s this nasty environment surrounding the horse? Is it because we’ve never begrudged each other anything? That we love each other? Care? Maybe it’s because we try to meet each other halfway when we don’t see eye to eye? I don’t know, but if I were you, Wylde Sage, I’d be trying to find out why he’s unhappy, not looking for like minded people, so I could feel better.

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[QUOTE=arabhorse2;4057502]
I disagree with this. My SO has absolutely no interest in horses, except to humor me and go on the VERY occasional trail ride.

He has an all-consuming hobby that I don’t feel I need to join into, as I have no interest in it. I do ask him about it, just as he asks about the horses and various other animals I have.

We have other common ground, and that’s where we truly connect. We make time for each other, and that’s where we strengthen our bond; not by forcing ourselves to pretend to be interested in each other’s hobbies.

Being a supportive spouse/SO doesn’t mean having to force an interest into your passion. It means that they understand, and give you the space to enjoy it.[/QUOTE]

AMEN. My SO’s involvement extends to calling to let me know when there is a horse-related segment on ESPN. And while it would be great if SO accompanied me to the barn some weekend with the videocam, I know that is not happening during football or hoops season — my barn time is his sleep-in, slip-into-a-sports-coma time. I’d no sooner expect him to attend a clinic than he would expect me to sit through a five-hour live Fantasy Basketball draft. :wink:

PS: And do I really want him at the barn surrounded by all those cool, fit women riders?

That’s what I meant - they will take an interest and support you in your hobby not a forced or pretend interest either. A spouse should be your biggest fan no matter WHAT though. Even if you have no horses or no hobbies - a husband/wife should support each other to the fullest because they want to - because they love each other - IMO.

[QUOTE=arabhorse2;4057502]
I disagree with this. My SO has absolutely no interest in horses, except to humor me and go on the VERY occasional trail ride.

He has an all-consuming hobby that I don’t feel I need to join into, as I have no interest in it. I do ask him about it, just as he asks about the horses and various other animals I have.

We have other common ground, and that’s where we truly connect. We make time for each other, and that’s where we strengthen our bond; not by forcing ourselves to pretend to be interested in each other’s hobbies.

Being a supportive spouse/SO doesn’t mean having to force an interest into your passion. It means that they understand, and give you the space to enjoy it.[/QUOTE]

You sound like us, Arabhorse. My husband has zero (zero) interest in my horses. I’m respectful of that and don’t force the issue, but I also stand my ground on it at the same time.

I have my hobbies, he has his hobbies. I’m interested in what he does just because it’s important to him, he’s interested in what I do just because it’s important to me. We could both go more gung-ho for each hobby, but there’s a respect for how much indulgence the other will afford.

So many people seem to think a successful partnership has to be hinged on shared interests, and it’s just not true. We’ve been together since we were teenagers, and we’re in our 30s. I think it’s because both of us feel like we can pursue what interests us without the other getting in the way. I can honestly say I don’t have any regrets or feel like I lost out on oppurtunities in life… and I think he’d say the same.

One day I’m hoping he learns to love the ponies like he learned to love cats. I’m actually sick of being told “driving isn’t a workout” (as I usually have to skip the gym on Saturdays so I can go to the barn), so I’ve told him he WILL drive Vanilla and he can see it’s a respectable isometric upper body workout! :wink: Maybe he’ll enjoy it?

You sound like us, Arabhorse. My husband has zero (zero) interest in my horses. I’m respectful of that and don’t force the issue, but I also stand my ground on it at the same time.

Sometimes it’s a very good thing that the husband has his own hobbies. My ex got very interested in riding. He started taking lessons while I was pregnant. Then he started doing Jumpers with my dressage horse. When I was ready to ride again, he didn’t want to give her back! Wanted me to get a new horse.
Oh no. :no: It was the beginning of the end. :lol:

I’ve found that respect for someone’s interests, as well as shared ethical/moral beliefs, and trust in that person go a long way toward making a relationship last.

My SO and I have many things in common; my horses and his hobby are not two of them! :lol:

As long as you love, trust, and are truly concerned for your partner’s welfare and well being, everything else will fall into place. Respect runs both ways.

There’s no such thing as 50/50 giving. Sometimes it’s 80/20, sometimes it’s more like 70/30. But in a good relationship both partners give and take, so that neither feels put upon.

I’m not saying it’s easy, because it’s not. But neither was learning to ride, and I haven’t seen anyone on this board say that it’s too hard and they’re giving up, because the HORSE is just sooo selfish and doesn’t understand MY needs! :smiley:

Haha! Well said!!

I think it depends on the couple.

I personally agree with you. My soon to be ex-husband did not.

He really wanted some one whose passions were the same as his (fishing). He was jealous of the horses. I was happy having the horse passion and hearing about his fishing passion. I was never jealous of the time he took to go fishing. I get really really sea sick.

I even planned a trip one year to Ireland so he could fish and I could ride and no one would feel that they had to sacrifice their passion for the other person’s passion.

He did meet a woman who loves to fish. They are together. I’m not even bitter about it because it did alleviate the guilt I felt about why I couldn’t make him happy. He really wanted something different than I did and there was no way I could have ever made him happy no matter how many compromises I made. I wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted some one who loved what he loved.

So I think there are all different recipes for success but everyone involved has to be honest with themselves (much harder to do than it sounds) about what they really want.

I love my kids, my friends, my horse, and my dog. Hopefully one day I’ll meet the right man where the compromises that need to be made to sustain any relationship won’t be too big for either party involved.

[QUOTE=FancyFree;4057609]
Sometimes it’s a very good thing that the husband has his own hobbies. [/QUOTE]

Boy, do I agree with this.

My husband used to ride. Now he’s much more into cattle and doesn’t have time. But while we were doing horses “together,” we got into some … err, discussions about how to do things. He has finally conceded that I’m the horse expert in the family. But it took one final discussion and his 2-hour long failed attempt to get his horse on a trailer. When he finally gave up and handed me the lead rope, I got the horse loaded in about 10 minutes.

I’m not saying it’s easy, because it’s not. But neither was learning to ride, and I haven’t seen anyone on this board say that it’s too hard and they’re giving up, because the HORSE is just sooo selfish and doesn’t understand MY needs!

Good one, arabhorse.

Coming from the other side of the fence.

Ladies I have to ask you, didn’t your potential DH/SO know of your passion BEFORE you got together permanently?

If so wasn’t he aware that you would not give up that passion just because of him?

I can’t for the life of me fathom that he would have no idea about your passion or that you would also have no idea that he might dislike your passion before you got married.