Let’s not forget that hideously creepy guy in France who just got convicted of raping his wife and inviting strangers to join him over the course of 10 years. After they had been married for 40 years before that started.
The only reason he was caught was because the police checked his phone records after he was arrested for something else. His whole family had no idea whatsoever.
I think, from my experience, that there are men who are obviously somewhere on the overbearing partner to full on predator spectrum that are pretty open about it and that most of us can recognize pretty easily. The fact that some women apparently can’t makes us think we are better at spotting them and we congratulate ourselves! However I can assure you that when someone makes an effort to hide who they really are and that person has limited to no anxiety about lying and therefore no tells? that is a whole other story. I am excellent at telling if people are lying, I really am, and the only inkling I had about the guy I mentioned was I thought he was a bit awkward around people (not true, he was not nervous at all) and maybe not so smart (which was true, he was not a smart criminal). Even the CIA has been fooled by moles, it is unbelievable when it happens to you but it happens a lot.
And people will will struggle to see how? why? even if they believe the victims absolutely because it contradicts the evidence of your eyes. In the case I described I saw the news and the phone rang and it was my neighbor and we both immediately said “I bet this is not the only time” because we both knew completely and to our core that everything we thought we “knew” about this guy was a lie. I know he had a girlfriend who was local who had a breakdown, people were so cruel to her. She visited him in prison before the trial and was judged for that too but she told us she had to look him in the eye and hear it from him to really believe it, even though she knew he did it.
People being judgmental on this thread have never encountered such a good liar that was also so completely amoral and cruel. When you do you will understand the need to say “I just couldn’t believe it at first!! It was not the man I knew”. Because it was not. You knew a fake person. And you need to talk about that because it’s one of the most disturbing things that will ever happen to you.
This scares me a bit.
It should trigger deeply hidden survival instincts that have kept humans safe from all manner of predators for eons. If deep down you feel something is off? Don’t be too quick to rationalize that feeling and blow it off. Beware.
Your experience is not unique—many predators, whether sexual or otherwise, lead double lives. How often do we hear in the news, “I never would have guessed it! They seemed like such a great neighbor, teacher, or coach”?
I recently had a conversation with a friend on this board about a trainer who was sanctioned by SafeSport, permanently banned from the USEF, and later took his own life. Never in a million years would I have guessed he had been abusing minors. He was defended by a lot of BNTs, who had experienced the “best” of him, and just couldn’t acknowledge that both sides exist.
Predators are often highly skilled at grooming, not just their victims but also the people around them, carefully cultivating an image of normalcy to avoid suspicion. It is something that gets people on their side, because someone who was so nice to me can’t possibly be this monster.
I got run off of a FB back in the day page due to calling out the judge who took me to his hotel room when I was 16. Mind you I thought that was AWESOME at the time.
By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. You may also receive promotional emails from The Chronicle of the Horse. You can opt out at any time.
For Customers
Company
Terms of Use
