They most often DON’T start with coercion and shame. That doesn’t come until much later. These pedophiles start grooming their victims by making them feel special. It is a fact that many (perhaps even most?) survivors of long term sexual abuse had families that were dysfunctional to varying degrees. That dysfunction opened the child up to responding to being made to feel special in a very particular way. The pedophile can smell the “right” conditions a mile away.
That is part of the grooming process. Pedophiles always have feelers out, probing and testing, evaluating. When a child’s circumstances tick the boxes, the process becomes more targeted to that particular child. Is the family sufficiently distracted with divorce, illness, substance abuse, whatever? Is the child open to being singled out from their peers? Does the child fit the physical profile the pedophile wants?
Believe me, if a pedophile’s MO was to drag a child into a dark room and molest them the first time they met? The outcomes would be different. The vast majority don’t operate that way. They pick their victims carefully. They carefully construct and guide the situation until eventually they are able to frame the sexual contact as an extension of how important that child is, how loved and protected they are by the abuser.
The coercion and shaming doesn’t start until the abuser starts to feel control of the situation slipping a little. And most often the “go to” method is shaming the victim. Nobody will believe you. You wanted me to touch you. You will get in trouble. Everyone will know you’re a slut, know that you’re a fag. You won’t be special anymore. Pick your poison. And then they move on. The child has aged out of the pedophile’s desired demographic. They get caught just enough for people to know that something “happened”, but nobody wants to know what and they just want to bury it and walk away. Whatever. Things shift and another child is targeted and the grooming starts all over again.
Keep in mind that the pedophile has hidden in plain sight. Larry Nassar, “I am doing a medical procedure. Only I can fix your child”. George Morris, “Your child has talent and I can make it happen for them”. My step-father, “God has called me to help this broken family and the daughter needs extra support and caring”.
These people, for the most part, aren’t hiding their victims in the basement, behind a secret door. They marry our drug addled mothers. They dangle health and continued competition in front of children and parents. They insinuate that with extra “access” and training the Olympics is within reach.
These monsters are right here, living in plain sight. They aren’t driving up in an unfamiliar car and asking us if we want to help them find their lost puppy. They are the team doctor. They are the t-ball coach. They teach Sunday school. They are a best friend’s parent. They are a legend in the sport we love. They eat dinner at our own kitchen table and wait until everyone is asleep. They are a fixture in our lives. They don’t have to lure us. They are already in our lives.
They minimize. They minimize. Every. Single. Day. They say their medical treatment is misunderstood. They say they were only trying to build on a talented rider. They say they were only checking to make sure a child was covered on a cold night.
They groom us. They twist the world to make it look a certain way. Up is down and down is up. And they scare the shit out of us for the rest of our lives.
And even though we are scared, and ashamed, we step forward and speak our truth. Some of us can say it and never waver again from those words being heard out loud. Some of us need to speak it and then take it back because the fear in our own minds is so overwhelming it might be another thirty years before we can speak the truth again. Some of us never say anything. Some of us use drugs and drink. Some of us become so anxiety ridden that we push ourselves to never, ever make a mistake about anything. Some of us turn around and abuse others. None of that changes the fact that we were hurt in an irreparable way when we were young and vulnerable.
“F” George Morris. At this point the allegations have been investigated. He doesn’t deserve to automatically be given the benefit of even more doubt. I am going to stand with the people who were strong enough to insist that they be heard. At last. Those are my people. They are my tribe.
Sheilah
