Thank you, yes it was. I didn’t use the quote function because it was disturbing to me, but that was not my description.
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I mean, it was a bit more than “quick”, but its fine. the quote was a disturbing statement for sure.
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There are some very brave posters on this thread who have related their accounts…absolutely shocking how many
people have had attacks and I’m so sorry to read this.
It is also dismaying that allegations lead to GM misbehaviour…He was a hero to me and my daughters and many others.
It appears his behaviour is far more than just talk and disrespect and it is atrocious because nobody - nobody - does not know they are doing wrong on a very different level. I always stuck up for him because we had never had anything that resembles what is being described. May the truth come out.
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well, that is only one survivors tale of the witness block, and certainly not at all like many others who have posted here including myself.
If your prosecution didn’t prep you, they didn’t do their job. I am also surprised the testimony was only 15 minutes so I will assume there were a lot of agreed facts in this trial. The more prep you are given the better the outcome. Thankfully the posters attacker was convicted.
I also disagree with this poster and I don’t think dissociating yourself with the event is healthy in the long run…but that is a whole other topic I guess. I would rather save my story to tell when it will help someone rather than tell it those who just want to know “what happened”.
@dags I feel you on being a victim of a very violent crime. It’s not easy.
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Thank you @Jealoushe
LadyJ… your statement did strike me, and not in a good way. I believe Response clarified the triggering word.
One really weird & surreal thing I’ve dealt with ever since the attack… I was never properly cracked up & destroyed enough for some people. It was like, if I wasn’t plagued by nightmares, or curled up in bed wondering how I could ever possibly go on, I wasn’t being “victim” enough for some folks. There was a whiff of that in your post LadyJ, quantifying your sentiment with the word “just”, and offering Response none of the sincerity shown to others that have revealed their stories in this thread.
Just because we are not visibly broken does not mean we don’t still struggle. According to some after the event, I was trauma-ing all wrong. If I didn’t hash the whole thing out, re-live it in vivid detail for the therapist, examine every second of it in search of some nonexistent truth, I was setting myself up for some future psychotic break (still waiting on that shoe to drop, keeps life interesting!). We did finally go to therapy and the first thing she told us was, It’s okay to be okay. That was some really welcome comfort to us, having been near convinced that our emotional compasses were broken.
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Bigger meets (and many smaller ones) have security on the doors and at other points, they generally “remove” anyone that needs removing. Most spectators wouldn’t even notice it happening…they are usually quietly “escorted out” via a side door! Plus to gain entry to events like gymnastics and swimming, it’s also through an entrance way that security can easily scan for “banned” people plus bags etc are also usually checked…it’s not like walking into a huge, open outdoor venue like, say Spruce Meadows!
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@Response I was serious about asking advice. I really appreciate you explaining how you viewed the process and why it helped you. Maybe sharing that tactic will help more people choose unrestricted reporting in my line of work. I get and respect those who don’t but I always like to see people punished for such heinous crimes.
@dags why I personally do not want to see subpoenas come into play is because we already have and have had for a while a court system with which to punish offenders. Sometimes people are more comfortable with anonymous reporting. Please remember that anonymous just means anonymous to the general public. People I work with sometimes just want help from doctors and therapists to move on. Would it be great if everyone made criminal complaints to ensure no one else became a victim at the hands of their abuser? Yes it would. However, sometimes people just don’t have the strength. People deal with violent crimes in many different ways. We cannot begrudge someone for choosing the anonymous route. Also, if it is within the statute of limitations Safe Sport works with law enforcement and encourages people to contact them. However, people still need to be allowed to deal with it in their own way. Sometimes that means telling their story, hoping the person gets sanctioned by their NGB, and getting resources to deal with what happened to them.
ETA: Not directed at dags, but those supporting a process more in line with the criminal justice system, have you ever contemplated why they didn’t choose that route and are now choosing the Safe Sport route?
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Nobody can say how a survivor is going to deal with their trauma. Some people go to pieces, some stuff it down and go through life seemingly untouched. I say seemingly, because even for those who block it completely, it still happened, and it’s still there. We all deal in different ways.
Aside from this board, there are maybe a handful of people in my life that know what I went through. It’s not a story I want to share in most cases, except as @Jealoushe said, if it can help someone. Every so often I run into another survivor, and I find it very easy to be open with them about my ordeal.
There was a time that I wanted my day in court, but back then things were different. I was told that without evidence, he would most likely walk. They went through things I would be asked on cross examination, and it was like being attacked all over, because without any physical evidence, that was all they would have to go on, and what they would need to destroy. I was told that without evidence, my coming forward would not get him thrown in jail. Every case is different, and I don’t think in most cases it’s a 15 minute gentle questioning. You have to look at the bigger picture.
Take someone raped by a stranger in their home… look at the evidence that is probably available to prove that person entered their home and raped them. The survivor’s testimony is there of course, but it’s not the entire case. In the case of GM, in the case of my perpetrator, we’re talking about someone that groomed children over years or decades, and made sure it was hidden. Their presence in a child’s room can be explained away, because of course they were there, they were family, family friend, teacher, etc. Unless the survivor can report right away, and there’s proof of violence (the purpose of grooming is to avoid that,) then basically the whole case is based on the survivor’s testimony vs. the perpetrator. That’s the only thing the defense has to attack and discredit to get their client to walk. Do you really think that defense attorney is going to play nice on cross examination and not try to discredit the survivor?
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This is a very interesting question. --I’m not commenting on subpoenas versus no subpoenas, which has been thoroughly discussed. Just commenting on the philosophical issue you raise, if I understand it correctly. 2 data points, one fiction and one real:
Last night, I was watching an episode of Shetland. The female lead, Tosh, had been kidnapped and raped on the orders of a criminal gang. She was willing to allow her coworkers to know the details of the kidnapping, but did not want them to know of the rape. Her boss, Det. Jimmy Perez, whose character has come to embody wisdom and sensitivity along with tough effectiveness, tells her something like, “Your call, but it’s hard for me to see you act like you have something to be ashamed of…” (She ultimately decides not to press charges.)
From: https://www.kcra.com/article/woman-e…emoir/28912544
Her name is not “Emily Doe.” It is not “unconscious, intoxicated woman.” Nor is it “victim of Stanford University swimmer Brock Turner.”
It’s Chanel Miller.
For the first time since her 2015 rape, she is telling her story not from behind a curtain of anonymity, but as herself – attributed and for the record – in the aptly titled, “Know My Name.”
In releasing the book, says publisher Penguin Random House, Miller is reclaiming her identity. Her struggles with shame and isolation provide a microcosm into the oppression that sexual assault victims – even those with supposedly “perfect” cases – experience, it says.
–How can we support victims of sexual violence, yet not feed into the narrative that rape is somehow more shameful or embarrassing or “private” than other violent crimes?
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Just because someone wants to take the anonymous and administrative route doesn’t mean they think it’s shameful. I think that’s what you all are missing. People deal with things in their own way and with their own timeline.
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THIS.
When I was 5, I was molested by the teenage son of an authority figure. I didn’t know that was the word for it at the time, and I didn’t tell anyone, for reasons I won’t get into here. I had never met the guy before that day, and don’t recall seeing him again after. I know his last name, but not his first.
I managed to live much of my life with no outwardly obvious impacts other than that I put walls up with everyone other than my son and my horse, I have social anxiety that causes me to be horrified by the idea of having to talk to someone I don’t know, I am very reluctant to let anyone know me well enough to be in a position to hurt me later on, and I absolutely, positively, do not want to be the center of attention in any situation - even good ones.
I’m in my 40s now. I just told my husband what happened within the last year (we’ve been married for 20), and started going to therapy shortly thereafter. The first few sessions caused panic attacks, and FEAR. I could see everything in vivid technicolor, as though it was happening again right in front of me. It’s harder to see now - everything is dark and fuzzy instead of clear, but I can feel that someone is there. I can feel that something is wrong. I can feel that I don’t want to be there anymore. But I can’t see it as well, so that is progress.
There is a separate memory I have from when I was a little older, maybe 8ish, that I often remember as an uncomfortable situation that I just wanted to get away from. To be clear, the person in this memory did not do anything to me, but I did NOT want to be there with them. I associate that memory with certain smells that I absolutely hate, and when I smell them, that memory usually comes up. It randomly popped into my head the other day, and in addition to remembering the feeling of wanting to get away, for the first time I also remembered FEAR. I cried, hard, for 30 minutes after that, because I started seeing all the similarities between the two situations. I can only think that the 8yo me must have recognized them at the time, even though the adult me didn’t tie them together until now. What a burden for an 8yo to carry, and to keep to herself.
I haven’t checked into the statute of limitations in that state. I haven’t tried to figure out his first name, or where he lives, or if he’s still alive. There would be no point in going to the police now - all he’d have to say is that nothing happened, and I don’t have any way to disprove that. Even if I did, I don’t want to be a witness in a public trial. I don’t want my name in the news. I don’t want to have to tell my mom. I don’t want to deal with all the people saying it was so long ago, I probably misunderstood what was happening, 5yos can have active imaginations, he never did anything to them, etc. I don’t want that attention. Allow me to repeat that: I do not want that attention. UNWANTED ATTENTION IS TO BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS.
But if I could say something to a reporting authority that could keep my name anonymous? That feels like an immensely more comfortable option. Even though they’d almost certainly also say there was no evidence and nothing they could do, I would be 1000x more likely to talk to that type of authority over law enforcement. Why? Because it avoids drawing unwanted attention, and unwanted attention is to be avoided at all costs.
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I’d like to lay a bet that almost every young woman has had some sort of sexual harassment while growing up or later -
some more minor, some very, very serious and I commend all of you on this board. This is why I wrote the harassment
policy for Pony Club which I think has got buried in the web page, but I’m long out of Pony Club now. In Pony Club, I included verbal harassment because that seemed the most common.
Then there was B camp at an equestrian center where they had multi discipline borders, etc. One day, when the riders went for their lessons, afterwards they came back into the dorm and found there had been a panty raid,
all the underwear gone, fresh or otherwise. Police were called in but we never heard the outcome, if there was one.
Sick! Chaperoning was taken very seriously after that, and the harassment policy seeds landed in my head.
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That’s a valid question. I think from my own experience, and having talked to others that have been victims of molestation, rape, date rape, etc… It’s a violation in the most intimate way possible. When you look at how most rapes or molestation happen, it’s not usually a stranger. I get that it happens, but the majority is someone the victim knows. Narrow that down to minors, and most likely it’s family, trusted friend, or some kind of authority figure, someone they trusted… and then you get some degree of self blame or shame involved as well. Now let’s say their body had a natural response to stimulation and even though there was no consent or mentally wanting the person touching or having sex with them, their body was stimulated.
So, take someone held up and mugged, beaten, shot, stabbed, etc. I was robbed in a parking lot, and although I did blame myself for not making sure someone walked me to the car and being more vigilant, I didn’t feel like I maybe somehow asked for that kind of attention. I didn’t feel like I wouldn’t be believed if I told. I didn’t feel like it was his word against mine.
If you read court transcripts of different types of cases, there’s a kind of victim blaming that happens with sexual crimes that just doesn’t seem to happen in other violent cases. “Why were you in the parking lot at night if you didn’t want to be mugged?” isn’t going to be asked. In a date rape case “Why did you go back to his room?” or “Who suggested you go back to the room?” is probably going to be asked.
Having said that. I think keeping SS separate from LE, is as important to me because of statutes of limitation and burden of physical evidence that often keeps rapists free… but forcing SA victims, especially minors to face their violators could also mean that many aren’t willing to come forward, and I think that risks more children being hurt by them too. I don’t think there’s an easy answer.
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Congratulations on victim shaming any survivor who handles it differently from you.
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As with @dags, you are attributing sentiment to me which is a direct quote. I’ll let it go, because that post I am directly quoting from was certainly long and difficult to get through.
There is no such thing as “victiming” correctly, and you are correct that victim shaming and insensitivity toward other survivors is not limited to those who have not experienced an assault.
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ladyj79 was directly quoting the victim herself. She didn’t just come up with that statement on her own.
This discussion has developed a serious lack of reading for comprehension. I wonder if this is just a characteristic of threads that go on for long periods of time and grow to huge numbers of posts.
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Her point on the prosecutors not “prepping” her was that they were careful to avoid “coaching” her in terms of her testimony, which could have led to the testimony being thrown out.
Re: her statement that for her the ordeal ended when the attacker walked out he door: I was raped by a complete stranger who grabbed me from behind when I left my office building around midnight one night. He said he had a knife, but I was never convinced that he did. He subdued my struggling to get free by strangling me with his hands. During the attack, which probably lasted only a few minutes, I assumed his plan was first rape, then kill, as he demonstrated whenever I offered physical resistance that he could easily choke me.
When he suddenly stopped and walked out the door, my first emotion was one of elation: I was alive.
The lasting trauma was this: this occurred in 1980, when AIDS had been discovered and was known to be sexually transmitted, but there was no test for having been exposed to the virus. The percentage of the population that carried the virus was very small in 1980, what some poster would probably breezily refer to as “vanishingly small”, but I was haunted by the possibility that he might have infected me with HIV/AIDS. After 10 or 15 years with no symptoms of AIDS, that haunting fear died away. Other than the fear that I had been infected with HIV, I have genuinely viewed myself as as a survivor more than a victim, and all these years later I still remember the exhilaration of realizing my attacker had not finished things by killing me: “I am alive!”
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I had a similar fear, my attacker was also sleeping with prostitutes regularly and using hard drugs, the nurse in the DV/SA center at the hospital was really good at calming my fears, they also did testing from that day and then every 3 months afterwards for a period of a year. Was still terrifying. I lost an uncle to AIDs, not something I ever wanted to get diagnosed with.
My therapist would always say something similar - you got out, you survived, you can do it again.
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I don’t think the tests for HIV were developed in the early to mid 80’s - I would have given a lot to have been tested every three months for a year and see: NEG, NEG, NEG, NEG. At the time of the attack, it was known that the percentage of the population infected was very small, and over time it became known that the probability of transmission in any one sexual encounter was also small, so my risk of having been infected was (very small number)x(very small number)=really tiny number. However, a really tiny chance that I had been infected with HIV via rape was pretty much the whole trauma I experienced.A test for HIV/AIDS was developed in 1984. The FDA approved one for commercial use in 1985
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