I really need to hear from others who chose euthanasia for their beloved horse instead of colic surgery. Why did you make that decision and do you regret it? What type of colic was involved? Or have you done the surgery and regretted it? I really hope to hear from people as I’m struggling so much with guilt and regret.
I euthanised my sweet horse of a lifetime, Buddy, two months ago and I feel so so guilty, regretful and ashamed that I didn’t choose colic surgery. I feel I have betrayed my horse in the worst way possible. It was the most traumatic experiment of my life to date.
At the hospital, Buddy’s ultrasound showed that his small intestines had died and his belly tap drew blood. It was likely that a strangulating lipoma was the cause, which I had never heard of. Buddy also had high lactate readings.
I have written six previous drafts of this post explaining why and how that decision was made but they have all turned out to be as long as novels. I’ll limit the detail and summarise as best I can this time.
I feel so regretful that I didn’t give my best boy a final chance at life and am so confused as to why I didn’t get that urge to over-rule my partner (who didn’t agree with the financial side of it) and just choose surgery for my horse. Why wasn’t I getting that feeling to choose surgery? Was that my gut feeling saying no to surgery? Or was I just trying to justify not choosing it because my partner didn’t agree? Yes, I was so scared for my horse to go through surgery as I knew he would suffer so much pain and would be scared and confused during the recovery, especially when there were high chances of complications to be expected. And no guarantee of life at the end of all the suffering. Based on statistics, my vet gave Buddy a 50% chance of surviving 12 months. I agonised over putting him through so much suffering only to possibly lose his life in the end - essentially, extending his suffering for no guarantee of life at the end. Was that fair? He wouldn’t know why I would be asking him to suffer and it would only be for a chance. Would that be fair or ethical? On the other hand, was my decision ethical? This is my biggest struggle.
I am agonising over whether I would have chosen surgery if my partner left it up to me. He is the main income earner and we never make such massive financial decisions without both of us agreeing. But Buddy was my horse and this was his life. I don’t understand why I didn’t fight harder. He relied on me. I have never cared about money when it comes to my animals. I have always done whatever was needed. Always. But I let my horse down at the most crucial time in his life. I just don’t know why I let this happen and I feel like I betrayed my horse and just crumbled under pressure. I’m not blaming my partner. I know he was thinking of our family and he thinks with his head. I don’t though which is why I just feel so ashamed for letting my horse down. He trusted me and I went against my beliefs at the worst possible time. He was 17 and I had him since he was a foal. I had him before I met my partner. He was my horsey soul mate. He was one in a million. Simply irreplaceable. I miss him so much that my chest physically aches.
On the night, I associated surgery with more suffering and potentially needless suffering. On the night, I truly felt I had no option but euthanasia (and this is my biggest struggle - why did I feel that?). Now I associate surgery with hope and a chance at life. Now, I see it as I did have another option because I did! What have I done? I feel like I took a life without exploring all options. I’m just so sad and guilty.
I’m praying to God that me behaving completely different to how I ever have or thought I would is because it was meant to be. That it was my gut instinct at play that was holding me back from choosing surgery. That I was supposed to save my horse from further suffering of surgery and this path was part of a greater plan and already pre-written? But then I think that’s a cop out and trying to make excuses and I feel so ashamed.
I am agonising over this every day and the guilt and regret is so overwhelming. I have been diagnosed with depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I just feel so so responsible for taking his innocent life when technically there was another option and fear I ended his life prematurely. I keep replaying that night over and over. It’s exhausting. I cry every day, multiple times a day. I feel so heartbroken imagining him feeling so sad, betrayed and confused by my decision. I honestly can’t stand it and am struggling so much with all this. I don’t see how I can ever forgive myself or be at peace with my decision. I feel like such a heartless owner and just don’t feel I deserve to have horses again or be responsible for them again. I still have two, including Buddy’s mum, but I have become distant from them and feel so guilty that they are still here but Buddy isn’t.
There is so much more I could write about that night but this post is already long enough. If it sounds confusing, it’s because I am terribly confused. It’s just not me to make such decisions without exhausting all options.
I would be so grateful to hear from people who might understand what I’m going through or my decision making. Please no one tell me I made the wrong decision because I’m suffering enough. I just need to hear how other people coped with similar decisions. Also, any feedback about blood in the belly tap would be appreciated. I know what it means but has anyone else had that happen. Thank you for reading and helping.
To Buddy - I’m so so sorry. I know that you will forgive me because you are a beautiful soul. But I can’t forgive myself. I miss you literally every second of every day and I wish I could have you back. I pray that I made the right decision and that you can see and feel how much I miss you. Thank you for teaching me so much about being a horse owner and being an imperfect human being. I just wish you were here to continue to teach me. I hope you always remember how much I love you because my decision that night doesn’t change that xxx