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Has anyone chosen euthanasia instead of colic surgery? Please help as I'm overwhelmed with guilt and regret

I really need to hear from others who chose euthanasia for their beloved horse instead of colic surgery. Why did you make that decision and do you regret it? What type of colic was involved? Or have you done the surgery and regretted it? I really hope to hear from people as I’m struggling so much with guilt and regret.

I euthanised my sweet horse of a lifetime, Buddy, two months ago and I feel so so guilty, regretful and ashamed that I didn’t choose colic surgery. I feel I have betrayed my horse in the worst way possible. It was the most traumatic experiment of my life to date.

At the hospital, Buddy’s ultrasound showed that his small intestines had died and his belly tap drew blood. It was likely that a strangulating lipoma was the cause, which I had never heard of. Buddy also had high lactate readings.

I have written six previous drafts of this post explaining why and how that decision was made but they have all turned out to be as long as novels. I’ll limit the detail and summarise as best I can this time.

I feel so regretful that I didn’t give my best boy a final chance at life and am so confused as to why I didn’t get that urge to over-rule my partner (who didn’t agree with the financial side of it) and just choose surgery for my horse. Why wasn’t I getting that feeling to choose surgery? Was that my gut feeling saying no to surgery? Or was I just trying to justify not choosing it because my partner didn’t agree? Yes, I was so scared for my horse to go through surgery as I knew he would suffer so much pain and would be scared and confused during the recovery, especially when there were high chances of complications to be expected. And no guarantee of life at the end of all the suffering. Based on statistics, my vet gave Buddy a 50% chance of surviving 12 months. I agonised over putting him through so much suffering only to possibly lose his life in the end - essentially, extending his suffering for no guarantee of life at the end. Was that fair? He wouldn’t know why I would be asking him to suffer and it would only be for a chance. Would that be fair or ethical? On the other hand, was my decision ethical? This is my biggest struggle.

I am agonising over whether I would have chosen surgery if my partner left it up to me. He is the main income earner and we never make such massive financial decisions without both of us agreeing. But Buddy was my horse and this was his life. I don’t understand why I didn’t fight harder. He relied on me. I have never cared about money when it comes to my animals. I have always done whatever was needed. Always. But I let my horse down at the most crucial time in his life. I just don’t know why I let this happen and I feel like I betrayed my horse and just crumbled under pressure. I’m not blaming my partner. I know he was thinking of our family and he thinks with his head. I don’t though which is why I just feel so ashamed for letting my horse down. He trusted me and I went against my beliefs at the worst possible time. He was 17 and I had him since he was a foal. I had him before I met my partner. He was my horsey soul mate. He was one in a million. Simply irreplaceable. I miss him so much that my chest physically aches.

On the night, I associated surgery with more suffering and potentially needless suffering. On the night, I truly felt I had no option but euthanasia (and this is my biggest struggle - why did I feel that?). Now I associate surgery with hope and a chance at life. Now, I see it as I did have another option because I did! What have I done? I feel like I took a life without exploring all options. I’m just so sad and guilty.

I’m praying to God that me behaving completely different to how I ever have or thought I would is because it was meant to be. That it was my gut instinct at play that was holding me back from choosing surgery. That I was supposed to save my horse from further suffering of surgery and this path was part of a greater plan and already pre-written? But then I think that’s a cop out and trying to make excuses and I feel so ashamed.

I am agonising over this every day and the guilt and regret is so overwhelming. I have been diagnosed with depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I just feel so so responsible for taking his innocent life when technically there was another option and fear I ended his life prematurely. I keep replaying that night over and over. It’s exhausting. I cry every day, multiple times a day. I feel so heartbroken imagining him feeling so sad, betrayed and confused by my decision. I honestly can’t stand it and am struggling so much with all this. I don’t see how I can ever forgive myself or be at peace with my decision. I feel like such a heartless owner and just don’t feel I deserve to have horses again or be responsible for them again. I still have two, including Buddy’s mum, but I have become distant from them and feel so guilty that they are still here but Buddy isn’t.

There is so much more I could write about that night but this post is already long enough. If it sounds confusing, it’s because I am terribly confused. It’s just not me to make such decisions without exhausting all options.

I would be so grateful to hear from people who might understand what I’m going through or my decision making. Please no one tell me I made the wrong decision because I’m suffering enough. I just need to hear how other people coped with similar decisions. Also, any feedback about blood in the belly tap would be appreciated. I know what it means but has anyone else had that happen. Thank you for reading and helping.

To Buddy - I’m so so sorry. I know that you will forgive me because you are a beautiful soul. But I can’t forgive myself. I miss you literally every second of every day and I wish I could have you back. I pray that I made the right decision and that you can see and feel how much I miss you. Thank you for teaching me so much about being a horse owner and being an imperfect human being. I just wish you were here to continue to teach me. I hope you always remember how much I love you because my decision that night doesn’t change that xxx

First let me say I’m so sorry for the loss of your horse. It’s so hard to lose one you have had for so long and have such a strong bond with.

I decided against surgery for my one in a million horse in 2007. First words out of my vets mouth when she arrived for the initial call was “is he a candidate for surgery?” to which I said no.

It was a difficult decision to make but in the end was the right one for many reasons. Initially the decision was financial in that I was not willing to spend money on a horse who would never be sound to ride. He had pulled a tendon a few years prior so was only pasture sound or very light riding on level ground. After we gave him 12 hours to see if he would pull through, I had him euthanized.

I participated in the necropsy. What we found he would not have survived (like your case it also involved the small intestine). He was 21 years old and I had him since he was 3.

I have the same outlook today as I did then. I wouldn’t do surgery on any of the 3 horses I currently own. Cost is a huge factor. The complications are not worth the risk of putting the horse through more pain and suffering. None of my horses are breeding material so there is no genetic upside to surgery. Sometimes the best decision for the horse feels the worst to us.

Took me a year before I was ready to purchase another horse. I was lucky and found another one in a million.

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No, but I dropped my insurance on mine and have decided that if they require colic surgery, I will opt for euthanasia. My horses are not valuable, and I am not sure I can justify the money or the time for surgery & rehab, and have also heard enough first hand reports of horses where the colic surgery was not successful (either during surgery or due to complications post-surgery, or necessity for a long rehab and/or change in management/diet afterwards.)

I am sure if it requires me to make the decision, it will be difficult. But my main objective is to make sure they don’t suffer, and to be honest, I am not sure that colic surgery is always the best decision for a horse. They don’t understand.

I’m sorry you are feeling bad about your decision. I don’t think there is ever a wrong decision to choose a humane end to suffering for a horse in a major medical crisis. You have to do what makes sense at that moment, no matter what “other people would do” (or have done).

Sending hugs. Hopefully you will be able to move past these feelings and remember your horse for the good times you shared.

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While I understand what you’re going through, I think you are looking at surgery as some painless miracle cure. It’s not. Regardless of the finances, surgery requires recovery - recovery that is painful for the horse, expensive for the owner, and with no guarantees.

Myself, I have been in that situation and been happy to know that my horse died peacefully with me and would never be in pain again versus weeks or months of additional suffering plus the odds of recurrence and death increase substantially.

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I would never put an old horse through colic surgery. My vets understand and agree with that decision. I have 4 old guys right now and if they have a colic that can’t be resolved in the barn, then they will be euthanized.

Colic surgery is hard on even a young, otherwise healthy horse. And a lot of the horses I’ve known that did have the surgery had another episode of colic within a year and continued to have issues for the rest of their life.

I’m so sorry for your loss. But please don’t second guess yourself…just because we can do something doesn’t always mean we should. You did the right thing for your guy.

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Mine had surgery and died anyway. I really regret making her live in agony for hours while we hauled her to the vet, only to lose her on the table (and still spent $10k).

i would have put your horse down too, I have not heard of many good outcomes with that diagnosis. None? I am sure some survive but I haven’t heard of any in my horsey circle.

when you think of it, don’t think about a chance at life. Ask yourself what that life would have been like. Colic surgery is very painful and has a very long recovery.

mine stop being colic surgery candidates around 15.

i am so sorry about your loss. It is OK to be devastated and one way that shows up is guilt…“what if I had done…”. Totally normal to feel that way but remember that is more about Grief than about anything you actually did wrong.

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I chose euthanasia over colic surgery for my first horse and while I miss him terribly I know it was the right decision. Mine was only 5, a freebie off the track that I got through my vet, and had the athletic ability and temperament to do basically anything I wanted. I simply didn’t have the finances at the time. I don’t know what I would have done if I had.

Knowing what I do about colic surgery and aftercare, I don’t think I would put a horse through that unless it was a case with a very good prognosis for recovery. My current horse, although I love him to bits, is not a surgical candidate because I know he won’t tolerate months of stall rest. Plus there are just so many things that can go wrong even with the best vets in the world. So many what ifs. I work for a large animal veterinary practice, and sometimes they have taken a horse to surgery and found it was much worse than the vets feared…that scenario scares me the most. I would hate to choose surgery and then end up euthanizing on the table.

Honestly, I rarely think euthanasia is the wrong decision in any scenario. Last fall I had to put my beloved terrier to sleep after a battle with diabetes. Looking back on it, I wish I had pushed for it sooner. He had been a really hard case to get under control and by the time we had his blood sugar stable I think his body had just given up. I feel incredibly guilty that I put my dog through all that suffering because I didn’t want to let him go. I don’t want to put an animal through something like that ever again.

Hugs to you, OP. It sucks but I would have made the same decision you did. I firmly believe that you did the right thing.

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So sorry you lost your horse to colic.
Seems that this is the time of the year, the violent weather changes, that makes colic a more serious problem.

“Better a day to early than a minute too late”.

In a way it is good to question ourselves, so we learn for next time such hard decisions are to be made.

The reality is that we don’t know enough yet to make those decisions that well.
If the vets and you decided to let him go, that was the best decision for that situation.

Here, if there is contamination found on a belly tap, generally euthanasia seems the best.
If not yet, well, then there is more to consider, but as you know, colic surgery and rehab is something that is very hard on horses, if they survive the surgery.

Hope you make peace with your situation, it is so, so hard to be there, hugs.

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[B]Thoughts and prayers and tears and ((hugs)) for you ~

I’m sorry for your loss ~

I’m sorry for your heartbroken grieving ~[/B]

  • I elected surgery once on a good equine friend ~ I regret having put him through the ordeal - the emergency vanning - the stress - the extra pain that the process takes - strangulation in two areas = cutting off too much for resection.

He was a bit older ~ we had enjoyed show days and retirement trail days and driving days ~
I wish I allowed him to cross that damn bridge quickly and with as little pain and stress as was possible … in his home barn with his family ~

Every case is different - every horse - every owner - we all just do the best we can .

It’s tough to hear your brain when you’re heart is breaking …
in this one of my cases … I wish I had listened to my brain and euthanized instead of the surgery.

So I believe you made the best decision for your handsome boy ~
I hope he will send you a sign that he is ‘whole’ again and waiting for you on the other side of that Rainbow Bridge ~

((hugs)) laced with comfort and patience ~

again, I’m sorry for your loss ~

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In over 30 years of multiple horse ownership I had my first colic surgical case on Friday. Out of all those horses she is the only one I would have done it on. Please let the guilt go. Animals don’t know tomorrow they only know if today is good or bad. His today was really bad and is grateful you made it go away. Glad to hear you are getting help. Sorry for your loss.

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I’ve done both, chosen colic surgery (3 times with 2 different horses) and chose euthanasia instead.

First of all my sincere condolences on the loss of your beloved horse. I know how much it hurts. We take their pain and make it our own. I euthanized my favorite mare ever last Oct due to impaction colic. It was an unusual colic from the get go and she never responded to treatment here at the farm. I knew going in though she was not a surgical candidate. She had some other issues (arthritis, head shaking linked to gastric ulcers, some unstable stifle issues) that led me to the decision not to have her undergo surgery. Money was a factor as well, but not the main factor.

After watching two different horses undergo colic surgery, I know how hard it is on them. I do not take it lightly. None of the colics required resection which meant that they had better odds than a horse that has to have resection during surgery. One is still alive today and is in her mid twenties, the other was euthanized at 21 due to advanced DJD. She did have colic issues after her surgeries (2 in 3 months) for many years. All medically treated at the farm. I don’t know if I would have done them knowing what I knew after.

It is unfortunate that our horses are as fragile as they are. IMO you did the right thing in euthanizing.

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I didn’t have to make the decision under stress like you did, but I did make the decision and write a letter for my vet and barn owner to have on hand should I be unavailable in an emergency. Mine was much younger than yours when I made the decision that he would not go to the vet hospital under any circumstances. He had some existing health issues, but he also was a real worrier. Going to the vet hospital would have put him under so much stress that it likely would have affected his ability to recover. In my letter I gave permission to euthanize my horse should the situation be hospital or death. My primary concern was that he did not suffer one minute longer than necessary.

​​​​Your horse’s age, poor prognosis, and red flag symptoms (dead intestine, blood) would have made me choose euthanasia as you did. Please stop beating yourself up. The odds are very high that surgery would have prolonged his suffering without changing the end result. It is our job to advocate for our horses. It is up to us to say “enough” and stop throwing money at useless attempts to fix what can’t be fixed. It is our gigantic responsibility to say “I love you enough to let you go, even though I can’t imagine going on without you.” It is hard, and it is something we have to do.

((((Hugs)))) Do get some help to forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong.

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Well said. Sorry for your loss, OP, but you made the right decision. Please don’t beat yourself up over it, your horse had a good life and a peaceful end.

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Hugs and heartfelt sympathies to you. Quit beating yourself up. Your horses prognosis was very poor. You gave him the last best gift you could. A pain free peaceful send off. Don’t let the bad memories of his passing cloud the good times you have had with him.

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Your post really hit h

I am sorry for your loss. I have made both decisions. I have lost horses during and after colic surgery… and I euthanized my last heart horse when he was 19 after 3 days of extensive nursing care, fluids and realizing he wasn’t going to make it through a colic that couldn’t quite decide what it wanted to do. Until it did:(

It is ok to choose euthanasia whether it is for financial, personal or just a gut feeling.

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So sorry for what you went through. I lost my horse to colic. He was older and I had decided beforehand that he was not a surgical candidate. It sounds like your boy was a borderline candidate - a 50% chance of survival beforehand is not good enough to me to put him (and my family) through surgery.
It seems that a lot of your distress is because finances had to figure into your decision. We all dream that we would never let money influence our choices but that is Disney thinking and not the real world. If you had spent the large sums, you would likely be suffering from the guilt of depriving your family of what that money could buy, regardless of the outcome for your horse.
But I believe in your heart you knew at the time that letting him go quickly was really in his best interests. He did not suffer due to your choice. You prevented him from suffering a lot of distress and pain - that was as likely to end in his death as not. You did not betray him.
I hope you are getting counseling to deal with this and that with it and time you can continue to enjoy your horsey life.

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From your post details, you made the right decision. This is backed up by the results with dead intestine and blood from the stomach tap. Nothing to feel guilty about! You can WISH there had been other choices, but there were not.

We let one of our favorite horses go, when he coliced. Some of it was the cost of surgery. You basically hand over your credit card for expenses. They get paid one way or another, even if they lose the horse. Other thoughts were knowing if he coliced once, he would probably do it again, need a second surgery. Husband is a Farrier, sees that happen over and over. Owner goes deep in debt, horse may survive the second surgery, but higher that he won’t or get another colic upon recovering. A vicious circle of guilty feeling owner trying to buy health for horse. Terrible debt load to pay off after. Many times horse is not worth the money spent, you chose with your heart, not your head Horse died anyway. Have seen it happen way too many times over the years, lost the horse, still have to pay the debt off.

Financial obligations have to be considered, not digging a hole of debt you can’t manage. You may already be struggling with debt, can’t manage one more. Unfortunately that is what adults have to do, make terribly hard choices. Llike letting the horse go instead of surgery.

From me, quit beating yourself up, you made the right choice by letting horse go. It gets easier in time. We all cried when we lost our guy, DD was heartbroken. Still miss him, he was an exceptional horse! Just one of those choices that have to be made at the time. Sorry about your loss.

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Your post really hit home recently losing a gray mare to pundiculated lipoma. I have lost 3 Arabian mares to this condition and Vet determined that emergency surgery would NOT save OR prevent this conditon from re-occuring later. Vet says that this is the type of colic that kills A LOT of horses, but remains undiagnosed UNLESS a field autopsy is performed ASAP. Colic caused by true Lipoma will be revealed as little fatty spider like arms that have strangulated any part of the instestine. ALL 3 OF MY HORSES would display mild discomfort with laying down during the day or dog like stupor. One Mare was so stoic that her single episode of real colic signs ( rolling, increased resperations, Heart beat etc ) ending up killing her before I could get a vet from out of district. Vet finally arrives 5 hours later was too late I watched while she was dying from shock. Vet still charged me for the euthanasia and out of district call. I KNEW something wasn’t right with each one of them. In fact, The local vet thought I was crazy when he was called out on several occasions and horses were always sub clinical = no signs. Told me to not call him again until they were showing real signs of colic unless I want to waste my money! Now in retrospect I was right afterall about each one. Also, note that these mares are a body score of 9+ they are overfed and under ridden. Not sure if this contributed to this condition or not. This is my guilt- that I didn’t become more proactive of their behalf. I couldn’t afford the surgery so not sure what I could have done differently for them. Now, each time I see a horse down in the pasture my heart sinks…
I am truly sorry for your loss, but the strangulating Lipoma colics are always fatal sooner or later. Just try to remeber to good times and as the song goes - " carry on give me all the strength I need to carry on. Been a long way from where we began and I’ll tell you all about when I see you again AND I’ll see you again"

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I am so sorry for your loss.

I think you made the right decision under the circumstances. You could have put your horse through a major surgery that gave him a 50% chance of having even a year left- and with what quality of life? The rehab from colic surgery often if not always involves stall rest. I wouldn’t want my horse living out his last days kept pent up. Set the money aside- you looked at the facts of what the surgery would have offered your horse and you chose better for him. I think that’s why you felt there was no choice- you knew that the other choice available, putting your horse through risky surgery with an uncertain outcome, was not a humane decision. You did the best you could by your old friend.

A barnmate and I were discussing this exact topic a few weeks ago. Both of us have an advanced directive in the barn’s files for our older horses, and for different reasons, we both determined that neither of our horses are candidates for colic surgery. If we have to, we will make the same decision you did.

Do you have a counselor or a therapist who is helping you right now?

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