You did the responsible thing … although I know how hard it is to make that decision, you gave your horse the best care possible by making a decision that did not prolong his pain. I am, like the others, so very sorry you lost a horse that meant so much to you. It absolutely sounds like you made the right choice.
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Let me be frank as I have been in your shoes with a beloved animal. I have also had major surgery on my body several times…
At the time, you had three choices. Surgery, do nothing or euthanasia. Two of those choices would have been painful for Buddy. Not just ouch but deep twisting tormenting pain. Only the third choice spared him of that pain. You took the mental anguish and pain for him.
You did well by Buddy. Let your pain pass.
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First… Do not doubt yourself. You made the best choice with the situation you had and you eased your horses suffering. There is no wrong choice here.
For me, personally… I have always said I would not do colic surgery. The horses I have known who have experienced it have not done well, and the horses simply don’t know that you’re trying to help them. They know they’re in pain, with no concept that things might be better later. Two years ago i had to make the decision for my 13 year old horse with a severe stifle injury involving the joint, which required surgery. He was in severe pain, an hours trailer ride away from the hospital, he had a high risk of a joint infection and a questionable outcome. I chose euthanasia over surgery and I’ve not regretted it. He was loved and cared for to the best of my ability for many years until he had One very bad day, rather than many .
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MissBuddy, thinking of you today since your Buddy’s ashes came to you yesterday.
My first horse died suddenly, and a friend shared with me this poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye. It gave me comfort and I hope it does the same for you.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
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I am sorry for your loss, it is never ever easy. Colic surgery does not guarantee your horse will survive the procedure,or the recovery phase and resume a normal active life. Having had to make the call for my own horse, I also struggled with guilt. It’s hard to sit back and be logical, the cost of surgery is high, but honestly,you need to look at this as relieving suffering. you are a responsible pet owner, I pray you will find peace in your decision.
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I did not see your post until now but I hope you are doing a bit better.
Based on your OP, there is no way I would put a horse through that surgery. I think for me the cutoff for colic surgery is around 10/12. My horse had surgery before I got him when he was about 8- but it was an impaction, there was no intestinal death, and the owner at the time had major medical insurance even though he was not very valuable. He recovered quite well but I would attribute that to the vet who identified immediately that it was surgical, Tufts was less than an hour away, and the nature of the colic itself.
I think part of what you are dealing with is because your partner was involved with the decision. If money was not a factor, and your partner had left it up to you, I bet you would have arrived at the same decision. Because that is what was best for Buddy. You are second guessing yourself partly because you never really had the chance to make the decision- it was made for you by the financial aspect of it and your partner. If Buddy had been younger, stronger, and had a positive prognosis, I bet you would have fought for the surgery. And you would have been right. But in this case, euthanasia was the right choice.
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Amazing COTH thread that certainly resonates with so many of us. I hope Buddy’s Mom (OP) finds a lot of comfort in the nuances of choices and outcomes expressed here.
Like so many, I have done both and there is no ‘better’ for any situation. You make the best decision based on the circumstances and try not to look back to long or too far…
I’ve been re-reading every single response as the past week has been a difficult week. I’m unsure if it’s denial at play sometimes or whether I sometimes truly experience brief moments of clarity but it’s been up and down in any case and very difficult at times. All it takes is something minor for me to take a few hundred steps back and feel all those sad and exhausting emotions but then I come back here and read all the responses again to try to pause that difficult cycle of thoughts/self-blame/regret.
The only thought that seems to have really helped (even if only for a few brief minutes at a time) is that I hope that my gut feeling was genuine abd correct and that it helped my horse end his suffering, which is the most important thing by far.
I just have to try to believe that this was the choice that was best for my horse and that it perhaps feels so wrong because sadly and selfishly, I’ve let past pets suffer horrendously for much too long because it was too difficult for me to let them go. I thought of those pets, particularly one elderly beautiful dog, that night. So I truly hope that regardless of everything else that was happening, I was able to focus on the suffering aspect for my horse should I send him to surgery and I followed my gut feeling even though it was very foreign to me to make such a decision. I just have to try to continue to believe that, although it is very hard to stay on that path of thought most of the time. If I don’t believe that, I’ll never understand what happened that night and the confusion is painful and exhausting.
Every single reply here has had an impact on me and I’m so grateful that people are still taking the time to respond. Sometimes I read a sentence in a reply which is exactly what I need to read at that very time. I am new to this forum but I can honestly say that it has been the most supportive and kindest I have come across. I wish I had of found this sooner. It’s reassuring hearing from people who seem to truly be horse people and who have experienced the toughest and most heartbreaking aspects of horse ownership as well as the best times.
I will post a photo of my best boy here when I’m ready. Hopefully soon. At the moment his lovely box containing his ashes is sitting on my bedside table until I decide how to place him safely outside. Sometimes I worry that he feels alone but then I remember that I plaited my hair into his tail, mane and forelock after he passed away so hopefully he feels me always with him.
I am still going to counselling but to be honest, you have all been the best support so far. After my last counselling session, I saw a rainbow. My counsellor said it was there during our session while we were talking about Buddy. The rainbow disappeared not longer after I left my session. I hope that was a sign from my boy.
Aside from the guilt, I simply miss him every day. I have realised that he bought me so much joy than I ever realised and I probably took for granted how easy he was to have around and how affectionate he was. My two grumpy old girls aren’t really into cuddles and I tell them off regularly and remind them that Buddy never expected apples in exchange for hanging out with me and he always gave me free cuddles.
I am beginning to try to think of a way to honour Buddy’s life and memory. I have to remind myself that there must be a lesson to learn through all of this and I mustn’t insult Buddy’s memory by ignoring that. I’m not in a rush but I will keep working on that.
I liked one of responses who asked me to consider whether Buddy was not feeling sad and betrayed but free and joyous and youthful with other horses in Heaven. That made me cry and smile and I often try to picture that when I’m feeling down. The poem was also very comforting and I’ve read that when I needed to. And everyone’s empathy overall has been incredible. You’ve all been able to express your views and thoughts in a way that doesn’t make me feel like I need to simply ‘move on’.
Thank you to every single person once again. You probably don’t realise that every single response had at least one sentence of kindness that I can recall from memory when I need to without even needing to log on. Or that when I’m thinking a particularly overwhelming thought I can log on and search the replies until I find that post or sentence that I was looking for which I know will help at that particular time.
And to those who have lost horses, I often think of you as well and send you healing thoughts.
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Sounds like you are healing your heart and starting to let your brain break through the cloud of pain and see things more clearly. I did a couple of things to honour my guy. I planted a tree in my yard relatively soon afterwards then close to the one year anniversary I took the name plate off his halter and a piece of his tail hair and nailed it to a tree at our favorite spot. It is the tree that overlooks the first water complex I ever went through at Fair Hill. That sort of signaled the beginning of the end of the grieving period and onto the celebration of life that has followed. Godspeed.
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Everything you describe is exactly the grieving process that’s been well-documented for years. The 'problem" is that each step is different for everyone - stronger or easier, shorter or longer,I think sometimes we go back and forth between 2 steps sometimes too.
The people who get into trouble are the ones who allow themselves to be pulled too far down into the steps that keep them from being functional. You’re making sure you don’t do that 
It sounds like you’re on your way to healing now. It may still be a while, probably will be, and we’re never really, truly healed, but healed enough. We have too many things around that serve to remind us of the ones we’ve lost. Going out to feed just 1 horse instead of 2, hearing the 1 horse whinnying at night and hearing it echo around the woods, those were big triggers for me. A month or so later I got an OTTB mare just to keep Rio company, and for a year all I could see in her was “not JB”. Finally I saw HER, and things were good.
I’m glad you found this board, and that you’re still here
You did not make the wrong decision. A 50% chance of survival with all the financial bills associated with that chance is really a gamble. After saying this I will say I do understand your pain. I am writing to you as another heartbroken horse owner. I did the surgery and my horse died on valentine’s day. Exactly 7 years after I had major surgery for my leg that was badly shattered and required a rod to be inserted in my tibia. To say I hate valentine’s day now is an understatement. My poor 4.5 year old dream horse Hanoverian started as a mild colic that I was not even sure he was colicking . It progressed quickly to a full blown colic with 105 degree temperature and extremely high heart rate. They didn’t know what was wrong with him and they could not get him comfortable so he had to go to surgery. My last time seeing him he was quietly walking to surgery knowing that I was taking care of him. But in the end he could not be saved. He had an adhesion where his intestine meets his colon. They could not reach it because his pelvis was in the way . I had to put him down on the operating table and now I have credit cards that are charged up to 10k. I still have not received a penny from my insurance company. And so I did the surgery and I have the same outcome as you have. I am extremely heartbroken. My pain has not stopped. I miss my horse every day and sometimes the pain is really hard to bear. He was going to be the horse of my lifetime. The one I finally could afford and was so talented and well bred. I was so excited and now I am so depressed. So just know you did not make the wrong decision. You could be me with a dead horse, a broken heart and a maxed out credit card. Please do not blame yourself and I hope your heart can heal because it has been almost 2 months and mine has not healed. And I did make the other choice to do surgery.
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So sorry for your loss! hugs
I didn’t read through all 5 pages, but someone at my barn had a horse who was potentially diagnosed with strangulating lipoma and also decided to not to proceed with surgery because at his age (22 years), it wasn’t fair to the horse.
My current horse (who I am leasing) is 21 years old and his owner has told me that if he colics, she is not opting for surgery. Due to his age, he would most likely not recover well and it wouldn’t be fair to put him through that stress.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I can relate to your emotions, as I had to let my lifetime horse go last week. The injury was sudden, the progression to “un-fixable” was extremely fast and shocking, even to the vets involved. The reality of rehab - 6-12 months of stall rest - maybe more (two injuries that would have been hard to rehab individually, but together nearly impossible), obligating a boarding barn to provide special care when I couldn’t be there, quality of life during and after rehab, and 2 of the best surgeons saying the prognosis was less than poor and the end result would not include soundness. All of these factors are hard to weigh when your heart is involved. The “what-ifs” are extremely powerful and second guessing your decision when its over is easy to do.
My mom always says that time heals all. At times, the clock ticks slower than others. Today is easier than yesterday. Just hang in there and things will get better. There’s no time limit on recovery, so don’t think you are taking too long.
A tribute for Buddy definitely needs to happen. I really like your tributes to your horse Laurirace. Really, really lovely and thoughtful. So far, I am going to buy a rescue horse I know who has been surrendered to a rescue a rug in Buddy’s memory and honour as I had been planning to buy Buddy a new winter rug. I still had the urge to buy one even with him not being here anymore and when this rescued boy came up, I knew I had to buy him Buddy’s rug. Something more permanent would be nice too though.
TSWJB, I was so heartbroken reading about your loss. It really distresses me how colic and colic surgery are such a gamble with massive consequences if things go wrong. You absolutely did everything you possibly could to save your horse. There was nothing more you could have done. And to lose him after all that is so very very sad. The pain of missing them every day is unbearable - I completely understand and I’m so sorry you are also suffering. I honestly feel so much empathy for you and your horse. And the fact that it was all so unexpected makes the entire situation so much more traumatic. I’m truly sorry that you lost your beautiful horse and are suffering so much. Stay strong and please feel welcome to message me if you need an ear or to talk to someone who is grieving right now too.
Bellboots, I’m also so sorry for your recent loss. You are so right about the what-ifs and second guessing. They really are so powerful. It sounds like you made the most ethical decision for your horse - that sounds like it would have been a very traumatic and questionable recovery period for your horse. I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish treatments were always simple and predictable so that we could have our horses around for much longer.
And thank you to everyone else for your kind replies. It is such a comfort knowing that people understand that grief is unique and people are so encouraging about staying strong. Tazycat, I do love that poem - thank you. I am waiting to have that. Part of me still worries that he feels betrayed and so sad and that he may not want to wait for me at Rainbow Bridge. But a bigger part of me knows that him being the sweet and gentle spirit that he is, he will forgive and want to see me. I just have to keep believing that although it is upsetting when I have those weak moments when I doubt everything. I will read that poem whenever I doubt.
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After witnessing a horse in my boarding barn a number of years back go through a colic surgery, and the very long road to recovery, at 18 years old, I decided then and there if my gelding ever needed colic surgery I wasn’t going that route. This horse suffered for months on end, and the amount of aftercare during the long recovery process is very costly. To my knowledge the horse never recovered fully enough to return to riding and continued to have colic episodes. My own horse was around the same age at the time and I couldn’t imagine putting him through what that horse went through. Now at the age of 26, I most certainly would not even consider colic surgery. I absolutely think you made the right decision, despite how difficult it was to make.
Don’t think for one minute that your Buddy feels betrayed ,you gave him the best gift ever you released him from his pain. That is the kindest act of love EVER never doubt that .Your very welcome i’m glad that poem helped you.
Sounds like your healing and coming to terms with the loss,do that tribute for Buddy that will really help you to heal even more. And getting another horse will also help with the healing. Time will ease your pain and soon those good memories of buddy ,will replace the hurt with smiles as you remember the good times you both had.
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In October of 2000 I took my 15 yr old OTTB to the local equine hospital for colic surgery. At the time, I was living above the barn at the boarding facility. At 6 pm when I fed my horses everyone was happy. For some reason, 2 hrs later, I decided to go and give them some bedtime treats. This was something I rarely did.
I found my baby on the ground with his head smashed into the corner of his stall. He was in so much pain I could barely keep him up while waiting for the vet. He was given enough drugs to probably do minor surgery and within 10 minutes he blew through the drugs and was in tremendous pain.
I thanked the vet for quickly coming out, but I knew I had to get him to an equine hospital. While there the vets couldn’t tell what was causing his pain, so I agreed to surgery. I watched the whole thing, I just couldn’t see leaving him.
It turned out that he had somehow displaced 2’ of his small intestine into his epiploic foramen causing a strangulation.
It was caught so early that no tissue had died and they just had to put things back in the proper place. Upon waking up from anesthesia, he had immediate gut sounds. Prognosis was extremely good. He stayed at the hospital for a week and continued to make great progress.
Three months after his surgery, and not one setback, he coliced again. It wasn’t good. My vet suspected that adhesions had developed in his abdomen and basically he would need surgery.
I couldn’t do this to him again and possibly again. He had such a low pain tolerance. He wouldn’t even lie down for about six weeks after his surgery because it stretched his incision and hurt. Even if it was free, I just couldn’t keep putting him through the pain. I chose to let him go.
I don’t know if I would ever do colic surgery on another horse. I guess it would depend on the situation. But I do know now that surgery isn’t a guarantee and not everything can be fixed.
I’m sure that my Sammy was just happy he didn’t have to hurt anymore.
Losing a loved one is never easy.
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ohmygoodness. This thread. Overwhelming love and empathy and concern. MissBuddy, you did good. Really and truly. I know there are moments when this feels so painful you just try to get through the next 5 minutes, but…you did it right.
I made the decision a long long time ago, never to do any abdominal surgery. Never. Horses just don’t do well with it and I won’t put my horses through that, not at any age. It is my job to make sure they do not suffer unnecessarily, so it’s euthanasia for mine.
((hug)).
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Truly sorry for the loss of Buddy! Echoing everyone else’s thoughts here that you made a loving descision. I am a strong believer in following your gut instinct. Be kind to yourself while you grieve for your boy.
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I decided a long time ago that I would not do colic surgery on my current horse. He has already racked up thousands of dollars in vet bills. As long as he is healthy I will happily treat a medical colic. I will not even consider surgery. My trainer knows this, the barn knows it, my vet knows it. IMO you made the right decision. I am so sorry you even had to make it.
