Has anyone chosen euthanasia instead of colic surgery? Please help as I'm overwhelmed with guilt and regret

[MissBuddy]

Thanking everyone again for their recent and warm responses. I have spending a lot of time reading here over and over.

Tory, I’m so sorry for the loss of your horse. What a traumatic experience for you to have your hopes heightened only to end in heartache. Your horse was so brave as were you. I honestly wonder why some horses experience adhesions and others don’t. I hope you’re coping as well as you can and take comfort in knowing your horse is no longer suffering. Thank you for sharing your story.

Because I’m new here, I didn’t realise I could ‘like’ posts. Apologies as I didn’t want anyone to feel that their responses weren’t appreciated. I would have ‘liked’ every single response.

I was also wondering if anyone has experienced signs or dreams from/about horses they have lost. I have had signs - I have smelled him twice (once in my lounge room after I fell asleep on the couch after exhausting myself from crying. I woke up and smelled him. It was so comforting but sad at the same time). These signs were absolutely real and not coincidences. I have had small signs but I’m not sure if they are coincidences.

But what makes me restless is that I haven’t had a peaceful dream. I have had three dreams. In the first dream, he had colic and was so so sad and in pain. He was sitting up but drooling from pain. In the second dream, he was an orb that was zooming in zig zags and I tried to catch him but I couldn’t. In the dream I didn’t quite know it was him but when I woke up I felt so strange (electric type currents running through me) and I felt very unsettled and scared. I realised it was him and was so heartbroken wondering why I couldn’t catch him and why he was trying to get away from me. The next day I received his ashes. I have no idea if they are connected. The third dream, I had him outside my childhood home and he was grazing. I had three leadropes on him but didn’t tie him up. I lost him and when I found him he had been stolen and the thieves had dyed his mane black (he is chestnut). Again, he looked so sad when I found him. He just looked so dejected and lost. I’m so worried about what these dreams mean. Except for the orb, the two dreams were not more vivid than usual. So I suspect and hope they were my subconcious.

I am praying for a peaceful vivid dream. I’m not sure if I should be worried that I haven’t had one yet. My friends tell me it’s because I’m not yet settled or at peace. Any thoughts?

[Wayside]

@MissBuddy

I am praying for a peaceful vivid dream. I’m not sure if I should be worried that I haven’t had one yet. My friends tell me it’s because I’m not yet settled or at peace. Any thoughts?

After I had Gem euthanized (colic, likely pedunculated lipoma), it took a long time before I could think of him without seeing him suffering at the end. But it did come eventually. He was a very special horse, bright and quirky, and I’d had him for 15+ years, which was a little more than half my life at the time. And after a long while I found that when I thought of him I was remembering his pranks with a smile more often than not. These days almost all my memories of him are good ones. I’ve had a few happy dreams of him over the years, and though the dreams themselves were good, waking from them with the realization that he was no longer with me was painful, even after I thought I was past the grief. It’s been almost 10 years now, and I think I’ll always miss him, but as I mentioned, mostly I have fond memories, and it mostly makes me happy to think of him now.

Sadie was easier. Still hard, and I still miss her, too, but not nearly as traumatic. She passed about a year ago. I’d had her for 10 years, and I think the fact that she didn’t really end with a single excruciating catastrophic colic helped. She had a shifting abdominal mass that was causing her to colic repeatedly, but not severely (though her episodes were worsening), so I was actually able to put her down at a time when she wasn’t feeling too terrible, but I knew it would come if I didn’t do something. Being able to spare her what Gem went through gave me some peace.

Some are harder than others, and there’s no timeline for grief. Since I have a soft spot for the geriatric horses, I’ve been through this a few times, and each time it’s different. There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re not at peace yet, and there’s also nothing wrong if you need a little help, like grief counseling, to help you through. That peace will come in time, though don’t be surprised if the grief sneaks up on you in unexpected ways even after you’re starting to move on. I used to have two horses that liked to eat Peeps, for example, and I lost them both within a few months of one another, in the spring/summer. The next spring, I was at the grocery store, saw the Peeps, thought to myself “Oh I should bring some home for…”, realized I had no one left who would eat them, and started crying right there in the grocery. Never imagined I’d be sobbing over Peeps, but there it was.

If I knew a way to hurry it along, to get to the point where you think of them with a smile instead of with sorrow, I would absolutely share it. As far as I know, there’s no trick for that, just time. But that time will come, the time where the good times and fond memories override the loss and the pain.

[CP_N]

I’m so sorry you’re having these dreams and are so sad you truly break my heart . As the others have said grief is very individualized & everyone copes & heals differently. After having lost Savannah (TB mare) as I previously mentioned that I’d had for 23 yrs. I felt just like you. I too had her cremated as well as her pasture mate that we’d had 19 yrs. when he passed. Everyone said I needed a therapist. After almost a year I HAD to get near horses again. I’m not saying it will work for you but volunteering at an Equine Rescue seriously helped me. I felt like Savannah was almost leading me in that direction - to lend my talents for healing - to other horses esp. those in need. The caring for abused/neglected horses was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made it was so rewarding to see these helpless, pitiful creatures come back from near destruction with just some decent care & A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE. I completely believed this was my “calling” & that I would never nor even cared to ever find another friend, companion or soulmate like Savannah. Someone or something had a different plan for me. I was winding up my one year of Volunteer service to The Georgia Dept. of Agriculture’s Equine Rescue, had already given my notice & went out to the Impound for my last Sunday of duties and there was Charlotte. The rest is a story for another time, however, let me say, if you haven’t already get yourself around horses in some way as soon as possible. As you already know there is no other creature on Earth like a HORSE.
Time will help, but so will being “around” the sweet, gentleness of horses.

[coloredhorse]

I’m so sorry for your loss, Miss Buddy. I haven’t faced that decision, but the youngest of my three mares is 19, and the nearest hospitals equipped for colic surgery 2.5-3 hours away. I have already decided–and my vets are in agreement–that in the case of a catastrophic colic for any of these horses, we’ll humanely euth rather than subject an aged horse to a long trailer ride for a still-uncertain outcome.

It is absolutely a valid option to choose euth over aggressive treatment for any number of reasons. From your post, it is clear that you were putting the well-being of your horse first on the night in question. I hope you are able to find peace with your decision.

[JB]

@MissBuddy

I am praying for a peaceful vivid dream. I’m not sure if I should be worried that I haven’t had one yet. My friends tell me it’s because I’m not yet settled or at peace. Any thoughts?

I think your friends are correct. I know you are still struggling with your decision, and that’s haunting you and making your mind go dark places Easier said than done, but see if, for any of those you’ve already had, or any you might still have, you can say “Huh, that was interesting” and see how clinically you can pick it apart. I suspect if you can do that at least a little, it will actually help you find peace

I absolutely had dreams about JB, but I truly think he made them happen (and I don’t care who thinks that’s just nuts :winkgrin: ) He came to me several times - once pretty fleeting, sort of on the periphery of whatever I was doing, I wonder if he was just testing the waters. The 2nd time he just hung out with me for a while. I woke up from that one feeling pretty content - not happy exactly, it hadn’t been terribly long, but content. The 3rd and last time he came and talked to me - actually spoke English without actually speaking - when I asked how he was doing, to tell me that life was pretty good but that he had to go, he had stuff to do. I thought at he time he was just off for a playdate or whatever the heck it is they do lol but that was the last time he visited, so now I know what it meant.

I don’t think that happens to everyone, and I don’t think at all it means anything about the relationship if it does or if it doesn’t happen.

[OverandOnward]

OP, I am moved to respond again. You have initiated a lovely thread of support, both sad and hopeful.

I did dream about my horse - but after the first colic at age 8, with surgery from which he survived and recovered well, ironically. I dreamed several times that he was colicking again and the situation was dire, and drastic measures were being taken to save him. But I would wake up before the story reached an outcome!

Those dreams were emotionally very disturbing and I still remember them vividly even though I don’t remember most dreams. But even more ironically, after several morning phone calls to be sure the horse was ok, I finally figured out that the dreams were not really about the horse at all! Dream symbolism was trying to tell me something about a career crisis in my life. Once I figured that out, those dreams actually helped me come to some life and job decisions that made things better for spending more time with horse and riding, as well as some other improvements.

After the second major colic 6 years later, which he also survived and ‘recovered’ only to have to make the decision 3 years later after seriously worsening and endless health conditions … it was going through old digital photo albums after he was gone that has prompted remembered joy but also the regret of loss. Maybe you are experiencing a little of this - it’s the horse he was before everything went downhill that I wish I could have saved. Not the hurting, sick horse that was released to the stars. I would give anything now to have him back as the happy, healthy, vigorous and active horse he was in the past.

I can imagine how very much harder this is when the decision has to be made suddenly and unexpectedly. I had three years of frustration that things were never turned around, just kept stepping down and down. I don’t know if suddenly or gradually is harder.

Unfortunately - or maybe fortunately? - time doesn’t run backward to bring back those we loved as they once were, no matter how deeply we are grieving them. It’s our challenge to keep moving forward, even as we treasure the great memories of what was, memories that teach and guide us.

I also had your thought of spending money on a rescue horse that I would have spent on my horse that is gone. I have always had a list of ‘things the horse needs soon-ish’ to catch when they are available at the right price. Suddenly I didn’t need that stuff - that was an adjustment in and of itself. To keep it from being too sad to give away something I picked for my horse that was gone, I made sure to communicate and get what was really needed for the other horse. That has kind of helped the transition.

I think I’ve learned that there is another horse waiting their turn as part of my life, and I as part of his. A horse that has proved to be completely different from the horse that left, but no less in need of love and care. It took some time before making that transition … but that horse’s life is moving forward regardless, and I chose to let him move me forward as well. He’s doing awesome at that - and the memories of the horse that is gone are part of my guidance for making a good life for and with the (not so) ‘new’ horse.

[heididan]

Dear Ms. Buddy and all of those who have commented,

I know what you have been through and I am deeply sorry for your losses. I sit here typing in tears almost a year after putting my beloved Star to sleep. I grew up in a low income single- mother family and the only way I could have a horse was to pay for it myself. I got a stable job at 13 and bought my 7 year old bay QH, “Star”, at 14. I sadly had to sell him when he was 16 for financial reasons, and joyously got to buy him back at 18, making me the happiest woman alive! It was even better than the first time I bought him.

Sixteen wonderful days later I found him violently rolling in his paddock. He and my other horse peacefully at breakfast, were fine at 11 am, but I came home at 2pm to find the colic episode. I gave him a dose of Banamine paste and was relieved when he pooped and relaxed. I thought we were out of the blue. For hours he was relaxed, showed interest in food (didn’t get any) but around 7pm his colic returned slightly. I called my vet who said to bring him into the clinic, that if colic returns something bigger is going on. Even showing up to the vet at 9pm, I never imagined the worst. He had pooped several times at that point. I always thought that meant they were okay. But the manure was small little balls, seemed forced and had mucus on them.

My vet tubed him to check the contents of his stomach…no regurgitation. She did a n abdominal tap and couldn’t get any fluid. I really wish she had so we wouldn’t know the progression of disease. I will always wonder. The rectal exam revealed loops of distended small intestine (5 or so) and the ultrasound confirmed this. It also showed fluid in the sm. intestine swirling around instead of passing through. At this point she informed me that Star was very ill and would require surgery to live. This colic was likely caused by a strangulating lipoma (I had never heard of this). I now know how many horses suffer from this.

Star was my absolute world. Everything revolved around him. I always thought I would do ANYTHING to try and save a pet, that money would never be a factor. Sadly it is. I spent every dollar buying him back and knew I would have to come up with easily 6-8k and possibly 10k + dollars with only about a 50% chance of him making it in the long run. If he had a 80%+ chance of recovering smoothly and it was $6000, I would’ve done it in a heart beat even though that money is nowhere to be found in my family. It was the risk of spending 6-12k and STILL losing him I couldn’t bear.

My vet said she wouldn’t do it if she had $20,000 sitting in the bank. She had an older horse she had colic for the same reason and put down. She comforted me saying she believes that we are here to take care of our animals for their short time on earth and its not our job to prolong their suffering (colic surgery likely would have). With a heavy heart and a glimpse of hope, I took him home. I couldn’t euthanize him right there when he still seemed so healthy. His colic signs weren’t violent this time and my vet said I should hope that she was wrong with the diagnosis. I could call her at any hour to have her come put him down at home.

So home we went around 11 pm. Star was still on sedatives and she gave me an extra shot in case he needed it. I think she knew I would be calling her later. I checked on him about every 45 minutes. He was pacing uncomfortably around his pen so I would try and soothe him but he would just pace right past me. I would take him to walk outside his pen and he just wanted to walk and walk and walk (abnormal for my lazy pony). I knew I was losing him. I finally called the vet around 3 am and just as I was calling, Star gave up. He laid down in agony and I knew he was gone. Luckily my vet showed up and euthanized him there.

It is still so hard to say that he is gone. I still cry almost every day so you aren’t the only one if you still suffer. I was okay with it for awhile. Lately I’ve had enormous regret and guilt for not choosing surgery. I even brainstorm how I could’ve raised the money, as if that would bring him back.

Hearing everyone’s stories and support is so comforting. I know I made the right choice to end his suffering, but it still hurts and feels like the wrong decision. I had a nice thought pop in my head the other day…

… If it was Star’s time to leave this earth, the angels in heaven must’ve needed a perfect pony. And that they got.

I’m sorry for all of your losses. These gracious creatures fill our hearts and leave a gaping hole when they leave. I hope we are reunited with them across the rainbow bridge.

With love,
-heididan

[Peggy]

Hugs heididan.

[Mayaty02]

I am so sorry to hear all these stories but for any of you who have to make these difficult decisions, you did them with your own horses wellbeing in mind and don’t forget that. Though we often want to make them live forever, we have to think about their quality of life.

I have never had to deal with it with a horse (knock wood) but I did have to put my beloved dog down at age 10 for unknown reasons and I often think perhaps I should have done more to save her. She had torn her ACL and was going for blood work to see if she was a candidate for ACL repair when they found she was extremely anemic, as in would not have lasted the weekend if we hadn’t brought her in that Friday morning. After immediate and multiple blood transfusions, my vet did the standard tests and X-rays to see what they could find and in the end the only way they would have known what was wrong was to open her up and do exploratory surgery. Not only could I not afford that, I couldn’t imagine putting her through that AND then also her ACL repair at age 10. I will never forget what my vet said to me that helped ease my mind. She said simply, “whatever is causing this is not good and she is not likely to last another six months regardless of surgery”. (She believed it was cancer somewhere). I still remember those words and her face these 7 years later. We got the kids back to the vet to say goodbye and that was that. Heartbreaking. I also went right out and got another puppy because I cannot stand a house without a dog, so within 48 hours a puppy took her place and honestly it was the best thing to do to distract us and keep us looking forward, not behind.

I hope you can get past this guilt. Sounds like you made the right decision, but now you have to live with it and I know that’s the hardest part.

[Cat_Tap]

I was with a friend who was trying to make the decision. Normally vets don’t express their opinions. She was slow to make the call, the horse was heavily sedated,the vet did not want to prolong things and stated “if it was my horse I would not do the surgery” He also explained that after colic surgery there would be scar tissue and the horse most likely would colic again. She followed his advice.

I actually chose to euthanize a horse after a horrible colic episode. He had melanomas and the vet found one in his rectum. Though we managed to pull him through that day I decided that I could not allow him to experience that kind of pain again. The vet explained that it was like sitting on a time bomb, that the colic would recur.

You made the right decision.

So sorry for your pain.

[MissBuddy]

Well, it has been 14 months since I lost my boy and I suddenly had a thought to check back on my post here. It has been a very difficult year. I think about Buddy every single day and yes, I still cry often. I truly miss him so much.

I have been thinking a lot about my decision. Whilst I still feel guilt and regret and wonder about the ‘what if’s’, a few things have happened to make me realise that my decision to let him go was not entirely my decision but a gut feeling to follow my horse’s wishes to not prolong his suffering. That may sound a little absurd to some of you but it truly felt like I was being compelled to make the decision I made and it was so out of character for me. Either way, I am not at wholly peace with my decision and the regret still lingers, but I am trying to understand why it happened the way it did. There has to be a meaningful reason.

I have since followed my gut and bought a young horse who needed help. He was malnourished and owned by a cruel dealer. I bought him last year on a gut feeling without even seeing him first and he is standing in my paddock now looking shiny, healthy and loved. I needed to do something good to help a horse after I felt I let my boy down and I couldn’t ignore my gut feeling to help him. He is perfectly imperfect and teaching me a lot. Again, I feel my boy was guiding me with this as I am learning so much about myself and horses. It also makes me feel comforted that a horse lived because of my boy.

To all who have taken the time to express empathy and support, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. The kindness you have all shown has helped me keep my head above water.

To all who have shared your heartbreaking losses, I’m so very sorry that you also suffered such tremendous losses. I truly appreciate you sharing your experiences with me as it helps me so much to know I am not alone. Heididan, your words made me teary. Cat Tap and Mayaty02, I’m also so sad for your losses and appreciate you sharing.

I know my boy came and went for a reason and I hope to honour his life by respecting the lessons I believe he was here to teach me. Thank you again sincerely.

[BoyleHeightsKid]

@MissBuddy I truly feel that everything happens for a reason. Even though what’s happening at the time is horrible it’s for a bigger better reason. Buddy had to leave so that you could help another that truly needed your help. Hugs to you

[BeeHoney]

I think it is a wonderful thing that you took your grief from the loss of your precious horse and and turned it into something beautiful by reaching out to a horse who was in need.

[halt]

thank you for checking back in. glad to hear the nice update and thank you for taking in a horse in need.

[BeeHoney]

sorry, duplicate post

[Lord_Helpus]

I have had to make the same decisions. The last time was with my great old guy, Bear. He had broken his jaw in a pasture accident. I raced him to the closest vet hospital where he underwent a complicated surgery. He came home with his jaw wired shut and a hole under his jaw which the vet had used to access the break.

Fast forward several weeks and several more trips to the vet hospital. The hole had gotten infected and he was losing weight because of the pain of eating. Both my local vet and the surgeon encouraged me to have more surgery done.

That was when I researched horses and pain and expectations. As others have said, horses live in the moment; they have no understanding of “the future”. When the vets told me that the wires would come out in 6 weeks, I understood it. But Bear could not. The world he lived in was one of unending pain.

So I went against recommendations and had him euthanized. Yes, I felt bad, but it was for myself, not for Bear. He was out of pain and eating lush grass again. I missed him and my life without him was dimmer. But I knew I HAD DONE THE RIGHT THING.

As others have said, my mantra is “Better a day too early than a minute too late.” After this experience I have learned to ignore other people’s perspectives and stick to my decisions.

I have also decided that if a horse in his early 20’s (or later), is in pain, I will not consider surgery. The “risk/reward” ratio is not on our side.

Feel better; you absolutely made the right decision for your horse, even at the expense of your peace of mind. All animal owners should think of their dog/horse before themselves.

[Tigre_Horse]

I am so very sorry for your loss ((hugs)).

I have told my trainer - who is a dear friend - that my horse is not, in my mind, a good candidate for colic surgery. I simply will not put him through it. So, if in the stress of the moment, should I waiver in my convictions, she is to “slap me upside the head” and remind me that he is a world class worrier and no good would come of me putting him through the stress of surgery.

You did your boy a great kindness. Sooner or later, those types of lipoma are always deadly. Just remember - they live in the here and now and don’t have a concept of tomorrow. By opting not to do the surgery you did save him from more suffering and I’ve seen what post colic surgery looks like and believe me it’s no picnic. Not to mention how stressful it is for both the horse and the owner.

((hugs))

Sorry, didn’t realize this was an old thread - but, saw your update - how wonderful of you to help a horse in need! Bless you!!

[Critter]

So sorry…I lost my gelding a few months ago…his was founder. We were pretty sure he was sinking, he had already rotated quite a lot…I struggle with the decision…am still struggling with the decision, so I know how that part feels. It plain sucks.

I did have a 6yo mare I opted to euthanize and not send for surgery. She had had a few bad colics that she pulled through with tubing, banamine and fluids. This colic had gone bad fast. We had the vet out, did the usual routine that worked for her. She had a day that seemed to show improvement, then the next went really bad fast. She was down, even through some pretty powerful IV drugs. No impaction on palpation. Vet was guessing small intestine twist, and serious from how bad she was, and how quickly she was burning up drugs.

I decided to euthanize her, mostly because she was also exceptionally difficult to handle. Being in a stall for the recovery would have either killed her (acting out) or killed me (she would have tried). She was not a nice mare. She had been getting dangerous to ride…and while she had a ton of value as a broodie, I would never want to reproduce her personality.

So euthanizing her seemed the best option. Because of the insurance, we were required to do an necropsy. They actually found no evidence of colic…and mentioned that they went back a second time during the necropsy to make sure they didn’t miss anything. Went they explored further, they found she had acute pancreatitis. Exceptionally rare in horses…all you can do is supportive treatment (fluids and pain meds) and hope for the best, but it is almost always fatal. Even had she recovered that episode (which she wouldn’t have - she was already going septic when we euthanized)…she would likely have developed it again (which was probably the cause of the prior colics, and maybe the cause of her crazy behavior).

I don’t have any regrets in making the decision for her. Now, my gelding…I still fight back tears nearly every night I finish night check.

[PintoPony]

So glad to hear you were able to give a great life to another horse. I’m sure Buddy would approve.

I recently heard someone say the good horses never die, they simply move along.

[CPL713]

I know this is an older thread, and I can’t remember if I replied initially, but just wanted to offer some support and internet hugs.

First, as much as I love my current guy and can’t imagine the pain and guilt of making the decision you had to make, I do think I would opt to put him down rather than send him in for colic surgery.

At first, this was a decision I made based on finances - at this time, colic surgery would wipe out my family’s savings. But I just now realized that even if it were a financial possibility, I don’t think my horse would do well with the recovery process. Like others have mentioned, horses are very “in the moment” and I have no way of explaining to him that he just needs to hang in there for a while. He would be SO miserable and stressed. I’ve known other horses who were just fine and recovered perfectly…I just don’t think that would be him.

Sometimes it is FAR kinder to let them go than try to save them.

Secondly, I did have dreams after losing my former horse, who I always said was my equine soulmate. He was found dead in his field one day after I retired him, and I have no idea if he suffered and was scared in the end. It breaks my heart. I was also not happy with the way our career together ended. I always wished I could show him one last time, or just have a really great lesson with him. I had a few dreams where I was doing just that, and actually woke up crying when I realized it wasn’t real, but it did give me some sense of closure - it kind of felt like he came back to find me and let me accomplish my goals in the end.

Happy to hear you found a new creature to love and care for. You are doing a good thing!