Has anyone gone through giving up competitive riding or struggled with giving it up?

[AskMyAccountant.17]

You’re not in trouble! Your feelings are your feelings.

We’re close to the same age, but I have a much younger friend who is in your shoes right now, considering college, and other opportunities. (Meanwhile, she’s just been flown off to Europe, riding in one of the top barns in the world, riding fantastic horses all day, and is probably on a natural skill level , pretty good) But, now she’s comparing herself to all of the riders in her vicinity, in a new place, a little alone, a few weeks in. I want to take her by the shoulders and shake her. It’s perspective. You see it just from my description, I see it, but “in” it. Really difficult.

Same feelings, just a different environment.

If you can close the one block of comparison/worthiness, then I think you’d be in a better, more reliable head space to evaluate what you want, prioritize, etc.

I find myself doing a lot of inner-child/what would I tell young me, and it provides a lof of comfort and calmness in those moments. Even now, “ok 5yo you, your coach is a little disappointed in the future you. quit?” Who would tell a child that? No one, if anything, what a foolish and insane coach? She’s disappointed that you hip hoppity on your horse?

Its a bit of an anxious roll you’re on. No rational decision is going to come from that. And no rash decision needs to be made today. So maybe take a breath, give yourself 4 months to just evaluate that one piece.

We can give you life advice, steps to balance life, horses, etc. But if you’re stature is built around the impressions of other people, now, or 5 years from now, you’ll feel the same tenseness.

[Scribbler]

Income inequality is a huge thing in the USA today, with the comfortable middle disappearing into the anxious squeezed middle on one end and the top ten per cent on the other. Social media and celebrity culture combined can tend to make us think the perks of the top ten per cent are standard middle class. They are not. Yet some sectors of the economy including tech, finance, sports and entertainment have been providing outsize rewards over the past couple decades

This is true in every area of social media that isn’t about bare bones wilderness survival or the deserted neighborhoods of Baltimore and Detroit. Almost every fashion, beauty, home decor, vacation, entertainment tech recreation is promoting things you can’t afford on $100 k a year, and would still be choosy about on $300 k.

This includes horses.

Many of us middle class kids grew up comfortable without (pre internet anyhow) a strong sense of how many higher levels of income and privilege existed above us, both cultural and economic. And we could be slow to see various kinds of confidence, knowledge, experience, etc as being due to the fact that those kids had wealthier parents. They weren’t born cooler and knowing how to ski, or all about opera. Even though they’d have you believe that

At a certain point in your young adulthood the truth slowly becomes clear. Then you can either become a Marxist, bust your ass selling financial derivatives, or get bitter and envious. This last is not productive and really shouldn’t last more than 24 hours

Anyhow it is a simple fact of life that many people have more money than you whether earned, married or from their parents or trust fund. And that lets them buy houses, condos, grad degrees, wonderful clothes, travel and compete in H/J A shows.

It’s just a fact of life. It’s not your fault. You can’t change the family you were born into

Strategically in all your endeavors you need to pick the avenues that reward talent and hard work and don’t require insane amounts of cash. Because you don’t have insane amounts of cash.

This is true for how you travel, where and how you live, what you wear, your career, and how you ride and keep horses.

Find a way to ride where you aren’t constantly measuring yourself against people with insanely huge budgets.

That said, even with an insanely huge budget it takes talent, luck and hard work to become a good rider and competitor. Horses are humbling. I think that’s why the Royal Family hung onto riding so long. It was the only thing in their life where real honest effort was needed. Even Princess Zara had to work to get to the Olympics.

[Bogie]

@LCDR

But then at 40 some of my eventing friends introduced me to fox hunting. No competition stress, no obsessing with perfect circles and such, just a flat out adrenaline rush. I was hooked, and had no regrets other than no longer regularly being around eventing people.

This! Foxhunting is fun, social and SOOOO much less expensive than eventing or horse shows. I realized some years ago that to be sustainable, my horse habit had to be affordable. I keep my horses at a self-care co-op barn and switched to foxhunting, hunter paces and trail riding. I love the time that I spend with my horse and find that taking myself out of a competitive environment has increased my enjoyment.

[floppyammy]

@Peregrine21

Life is a continuum. When you look at all of the people you consider doing “better” than you, don’t forget to acknowledge that there are also those that would love to be in your shoes, with your skills and resources.

                               Life

Less Fortunate <<------------------------------------------------------------------->> More Fortunate

[Larksmom]

some people wish for better shoes, others wish for feet that were functional.

[atlatl]

I am more than twice your age; did AQHA all around for years, then switched to dressage (bronze and silver medalist). Due to health issues for both me and my competition horse, haven’t shown in over 4 years and do not miss it a bit.

Oh, and I didn’t start until I was your age. My husband once asked me a very clarifying question, “was this what you dreamed of as a little girl wanting a horse?” Showing was not.

I liked showing and am still training to be my best and help my horse be her best, but when others are stressing out about shows I just smile. Maybe we’ll go out someday when ready to do an I-1 or I-2 test, maybe I’ll do a century ride with my old guy in a few years, but everyday I get to ride either or them is a joy for me.

I give every young dreamer like you the same advice as your mom gave you; get a good job that can support your horse habit. I’ve seen too many young trainers live very stressful lives, end up bitter and in some cases abusive to the horses in their care because of the pressures of the job. Others love their job, only you know the right course of action for you.

Please stop with the self-hating though; look around, it seems lots of people love you, love yourself.

[Scaramouch]

@floppyammy

Life is a continuum. When you look at all of the people you consider doing “better” than you, don’t forget to acknowledge that there are also those that would love to be in your shoes, with your skills and resources.

This! I grew up in a rural county with one public high school and a population where something like half of all children grow up in poverty. So it’s always been a weird position where I somewhat resented having to ride free horses, buy secondhand mid-range saddles, and get a lesson every other weekend (mostly because of the hour-long haul each way) because I knew kids who got eight lessons a month, custom saddles/boots/everything and regularly missed school on Friday to travel to another state to show. But at the same time I knew how lucky I was to live with both of my parents and be confident there would be dinner on the table every night, let alone have access to horses on any level.

[PNWjumper]

I agree with those who say that you have to prioritize what’s the most important to you. If it’s moving up the levels, then you have to cull the horses that won’t make it. It’s difficult and sad when you figure out the horse you’re counting on won’t make it, but it’s just a fact of life. Most of us who have shown in the big classes have done the same at some point.

And if the horse is more important to you than the sport, that is AOK. It’s just extraordinarily rare to get to aim at both things at the same time.

And yes, everyone suffers from envy. I think I hit a major burnout point a few years ago when I was in a 1.45m High AO Jumper Classic at Thermal and the 25 or so other entries were a who’s who list of celebrities, billionaire heiresses, and children of very famous international-level show jumpers.

My $1750 OTTB came in 5th places as the fastest of the 4-faulters. That was not a shabby finish amongst the millions of dollars of horseflesh in the class. But it was so sobering to look through the entries and realize that for every single one of them, the entries and show were a tiny drop in a bucket, where it represented every saved dollar (and many not saved yet) dollars I have that go towards showing.

After that, my desire to go show to show to show really dwindled. And now I’m down to only showing at the shows that seem fun and don’t require hauling 24 hours to get to. I’m just so tired of the money grab horseshows have become.

I’m trying to spend more time enjoying my young horses and helping my daughter enjoy shows as “the journey” rather than trying to get to a year end prize or any particular results.

On a related note - it was also sobering to get to the big FEI classes on my TB, only to realize that the top of the classes were a) winning all of the prize money and b) being paid to be at the horseshow and not having to pay all the crazy entry fees. So those of us in that bottom of the classes were really paying for the top of the class to be there.

So all of that to say that yes, I’ve definitely stepped back a lot from where I was, so I understand what you’re saying…the good, the bad, and the ugly!

[drawstraws]

I’m 49, have competed on the Appaloosa circuit since I was 13. My parents bought a 5 acre property in 1993, so I’ve kept my horses at home since then. At any given time, we had from 3-4 horses at home.

In the last five years, I’ve gone from our last four horses to two. My oldie passed away from colic, one was sold (after 10 years of trying to make him a hunter under saddle horse when he should have been jumping), and my last two homebreds are now leased out. My parents sold the property this past April, so I now have nowhere for my two remaining horses to return to. If they need to come home, I’ll need to find a new lessee or board them somewhere. I ended up moving from living in the middle of cornfields in the country to literally the south side of Chicago in the basement of a 3-flat with my boyfriend. I can’t lie, as nice as it has been to be able to sleep in on weekends and not have to get up to feed and clean stalls, I miss it. It’s been hard, not only the extreme change of surroundings but losing the home I was in for 30 years, where horses have been born, lived, and lost. I’m still trying to figure out what to do with myself since I don’t have evening chores to do. At my age, weight gain has been an issue. I haven’t ridden since my last class at Worlds in 2019 and there’s no way I’d still be the rider I was before. I’m still involved with our regional appaloosa club and attend a handful of shows to visit with friends (and announce at a couple), but it’s not the same. Showing was a huge part of my identity, it’s hard to give that up.

(Edited to clarify/simplify things)