Oh, yes I’m very new to eventing so we’re just dabbling in Starter 
I grew up riding hunters, and while I rode some cross country at horse camps, it’s definitely still a new discipline for me. I took a several year break after college, having ridden from the time I was 6 to 22, and I’m finding I’m not nearly as fearless as I was in my youth haha
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So, the most pace you will be doing is a hunter hand gallop like the old handy hunters. Are you familiar with that?
When I said that we’re not actually going that fast when I watch the videos, I wasn’t kidding 
Yes, we could just be hand galloping here. And I am comfortable with that - on the flat. Your posts and the others have reminded me that I likely just need to practice more and learn to ignore my reptilian brain, as you so aptly called it! Returning to riding as an adult is so much more of a mental game that it was when I was a fearless junior…
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I’ve been riding with Jim Graham, who’s favorite saying is “kick, don’t pull”. Sounds the same as alot of others in this thread. Even coming to the coffin & drop into water, it was “kick, don’t pull”. My guy naturally backs himself off & studies the jumps before going, so no need for a half halt when he will do it for himself. We also where cantering around XC with a loop in the reins. Such an odd feeling.
Sometimes all it is, is figuring out which screw to loosen.
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Some great advice in these responses. Around here we say “Fix it forward” (applies to dressage too). But the gist is the same. You might need to rebalance your horse, but going too slow is more dangerous than riding a forward pace. Note I did not say a wild, out of control pace.
A good friend of mine thinks that coaches really need to teach event riders how to gallop, which is a lost skill now that steeplechase isn’t in the mix anymore. I had the luxury of being able to practice gallops on the measured path at Ledyard Farm. It was a path through woods and fields, up hill and down, that had signs indicating where you should be at one minute for the different levels. And of course Jimmy Wofford making clinic participants gallop at the appropriate pace.
And then there was the beach in winter. Oh my the OTTBs loved being allowed to gallop in a straight line on packed sand! If you lost brakes but had steering, you could always point them into the water. A chilly but good solution in an emergency.
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@AmateurInTheArena, your username literally says “in the Arena”. Are you able to regularly go out into open areas? How comfortable are you out there? If you are pretty comfortable, try to do more trots and canters out there - you will just get more and more comfortable.
If you don’t feel that comfortable, can you go out with a more experienced horse/rider that helps give you confidence? You can build from there.
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Take a page out of the Hunter book and work on teaching yourself and your horse to jump (well, to go over a pole, first) on a loop in the rein. Someone upthread did a good explanation, but grabbing a neck strap three strides out can help! Notice we aren’t talking about just dropping the horse out of nowhere, but building the blocks from literally the walk. This will help with the picking, and also help your eye.
Turns out that riding a course like a hunter is actually tough - there are skills in every discipline that can transfer and help you out in other spots! But also like people have said, if you get the basics installed it really is some amount of practice and mental work (though if you can’t ride the exercises in the arena over poles, you probably aren’t ready to go gallop at a fence out on XC),
Or learn to ride the horse bridleless! Can’t pick if you don’t have a bridle maybe don’t start that on XC, though lol
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You’ve gotten some good advice already but I think some posters are glossing over this part. I’ve been going through something similar with a less-than-reliable green horse so I really feel you on this. Your “reptilian brain” is turning on because this horse has given it a good reason to - if the underlying issues are resolved, it’s just going to take time and repetition to rebuild your trust. Don’t try to rush it or put yourself in a situation that’s likely to damage your confidence even further. Be intentional about when you push your comfort zone and when putting a solid confidence-building ride into your trust bank is more important than stepping things up.
I would keep the jumps small - smaller than you think you need to - and work there until you’re so bored you WANT to put leg on and ask for more. Evaluate all your basics in the meantime. Can you get and maintain a quality canter? Do you have reliable brakes and does your horse actually listen when you half-halt or apply leg? Can you ask for more pace without getting flat? Are you fit enough to keep your seat through a stop or an awkward jump? If the answer to any of these is no, start there. Knowing you have options to get yourself out of a sticky spot will help with the confidence issues. I would bet that what throws you off about going faster isn’t the speed, it’s that you lose balance and adjustability in the process. The feeling of running towards even a small fence out of balance with no way to fix the situation is going to make your anxiety worse, and for good reason. Invest in solid dressage work to give yourself the right tools, and the confidence will come naturally from there.
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K so will hijack RAyers post just a bit … [the jump was intermediate level in the 000’s before about 2016 or so] …
I know this jump (in TX) (and this photo) rather well. I lived near for quite a while and had the privilege of watching it, for years. As a rider, I never came close to the level of jumping it, and never had the ambition to do so. But I knew people who did, and watched a metric ton of trainers coach it and riders & horses jump it, in schooling and IRL (in competition).
This jump is a classic ‘rider frightener’. While a good horse sees right past all the scary, to what an easy flyer it can be.
All of this said, this should not be read as in anyway trivializing the challenge of this jump. I do know that this one jump stood between some riders and horses and some of their dreams in Area 5.
The key to diminishing a lot of fright, for some of us at least, is to learn the dynamics of horses jumping and of jumps. It’s encouraging how powerful and able these animals can be. You don’t have to ride upper levels to learn the fundamentals of horses jumping.
So no idea if RAyers thought these thoughts, but, speaking to General You …
To get past the fear to the real jump, learn how to take a harder look at some of the ‘scary’ jumps to find out why they are not scary. Any type, any size, of jump. The designer wants horses to jump it. The jump has some basic shape that the horse clues in on, even if the rider doesn’t (and spectators). A great many ‘scary’ jumps are actually designed to be much easier than they look.
This jump had a ginormous ditch in front of it which was stuffed with puffy Christmas trees to emphasize the horrifying ditch. Grown-up people could stand in the bottom, and not be able to reach to top of the brush in the back. That’s when their brains tended to implode a bit.
But so what? Riders need to see this more practically. You and your horse aren’t climbing down in the ditch. You are cruising over the top. So what difference do the dramatics of the ditch make?
In this photo, see how easily the horse is clearing not just the top of the wood frame, but the brush over it as well? Which the horse could jump through, but this one chose to clear most of it.
The ‘shape’ of this jump from the horse’s perspective is the classic inviting jump shape – a coop profile. The angled front profile, from the ground line to the top, is the profile that is easier to jump from a gallop.
Although the jump has some width to it, it is not that high. Why that matters: Width is easier for horses to gallop over than height. If they must, riders can hang on to the mane when their horse lauches over a spread, since jumps like this are why the mane is there (I think). 
Also notice that the horse chose a take-off spot that appears to be well in front of the ditch-ground-line. Using the gallop to make the width easier while hiking up the legs.
And the deep ditch stuffed with Chrismas trees? The depth & the trees are all doing nothing. No necessary impact on the horse’s jump over this wide coop profile.
Seeing the true shape of a wonky-looking jump takes away a lot of bother about it. A coop-profile including a rolled-out ground line of a ditch makes it easier for the horse to spot the best take-off.
As a rider (and a spectator), learn not to fixate on the distractors, the frighteners. Forget that stuff. It’s decor. Your horse will literally eat it for a snack if it gets a chance.
Strip all the exciting XC away from it, and this ‘scary jump’ was a wide low-ish sloping oxer. Kind of an intro shape for the level, but dressed to make it so impressive. 
A big jumping effort but very do-able for a horse at the level.
The designed approach to this jump (which did not change much over the years) started way back from the jump, with another classic XC course-designer strategy to make it work for the horses. A big timber oxer and then a turn to help establish control, followed by a bit of a gallop down to this ditchy spread. The timber oxer prepped the horse to be jumping boldly forward over a spread. The gallop gave the momentum.
Horses were so focused on the galloping spread of the jumping effort that most didn’t seem to notice the dramatic presentation below that. The gallop helped them focus only on what they should focus on – how high, how wide. Not the decor. And honestly, like most XC jumps, this jump was not that high for horses at this level – it just looked as if it were.
I saw a lot of riders gathering their courage with a deep breath in, while galloping the approach. I did not see horses hesitating. Maybe with some encouragement, but most saw it, galloped and went.
Over the years that I had the privilege of watching this jump in training and on course, it jumped well. It was very, very rare that a horse missed on this one. Some riders took the option, to avoid the ditch spread. But most, including the first-timers, sailed right on over the straight route, no problem. 
All said, this was absolutely a mighty jump that proved the mettle of many horse and rider.
Once you get past this one, there isn’t much to be afraid of.
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@AmateurInTheArena, @OverandOnward has given a wonderful example of how our minds can hijack our riding, and how XC courses use that. A lot of problems over jumps are our own fault because we see the world as human and not equine. This is thorough and insightful explanation.
I hope this can help you reframe how you see your ride to jumps!
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Big difference ‘arena’ riding and riding ‘out.’ Do you have access to trails? A good field with changes in terrain?
Do you ride for fun??? I mean relax quit trying and ride out and forward for fun? My trick with kids was to make them open up the stride and have them one hand the rein, stand in the stirrups and fist pump the air aka Ralphie style. Tell them to yell out Wahoo! Maybe play some rock n roll - and/or SING it!
The secret is in your attitude and getting comfortable with it/ actually bonding with the horse expressing the joy.
Get comfortable and trust your horse on the flat first.
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I thought about this thread today listening to the latest Go Eventing podcast episode with Bettina Hoy. She spends some time talking about this exact thing, and surprisingly said she never really felt comfortable schooling at competition speed. She also talked about working with your comfort zone instead of trying to push out of it which was a refreshing take for an eventer. I wasn’t expecting to find her so relatable given how impressive her record is but I really got a lot out of the episode.
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The only way to learn to go faster and stop pulling is to practice and put yourself in situations where you can succeed. Foxhunting and hunter paces are a great way to learn to gallop and jump because you are usually doing it with another horse or horses. Having a lead over a fence that might scare you is a great benefit because sometimes you need to see that a fence is quite jumpable.
Also, invest in a neckstrap – even if it’s a stirrup leather around your horse’s neck. My TB would get very anxious and it was tempting to keep pulling on him as we came to a jump. The neckstrap made us both happier. I also hunted in a bitless bridle on one horse. He jumped much better when I wasn’t fussing with his mouth. Imagine that!
I think watching videos of yourself jumping is also helpful because you can see how (not) fast you’re going and how easy it is for your horse to clear a fence.
In theory, I have no issues jumping at speed. However, as a youth that wanted to ride as much as possible (and couldn’t afford my own) I rode a couple of truly “dirty stoppers” that made a bid and spun (me into the dirt/obstacle.) These were formerly “high quality” horses. Knowing that some can do that – and keeping that feeling in the back of one’s mind – I have lingering “horse trust issues” – and I hate it. This isn’t an issue at the “hunter canter” at all.
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This sounds familiar! I leased a horse who would stop if I didn’t ride perfectly. I learned to be a much more decisive, accurate rider, but it hurt my confidence to the point that I considered giving up jumping altogether. He also had a huge powerful stride once he got rolling, and that took a lot of getting used to especially with the niggling “what if he slams on the brakes” in the back of my head. As others have suggested, we did a lot of lengthening and shortening the canter and cantered even more poles on the ground. My trainer also started having us do a proper hand gallop before we jumped so that his jumping canter felt slow in comparison.
Ultimately, I stopped leasing him and bought something a lot more forgiving and reliable. Just because I haven’t seen anyone else mention it: if you’re leasing this one and you feel happier and more confident on other horses, it’s okay if you decide you’d rather move on. That’s the joy of leasing.
Edited to add–getting into the hunt field was also a great help! My mare and I trust each other so much more after a season of hunting.
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One thing I would say is to go out into a big field and learn to gallop around that first. Learn how to rate your speed with your body and not your hands. When you are comfortable galloping around an open field then you can start adding in some smaller jumps.
As others have said foxhunting is also good. You get used to speed and terrain.
I’d get comfortable with speed first before jumping at speed.
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