@enjoytheride where are you located?
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Do you feel the same way even just going out with a group and galloping? Do you just play over logs and such at home? Have you ever simply walked over the fences, quietly and carefully?
The idea of all of this at the lower levels is no pressure and fun. Nobody expects perfection.
From what I read, there is more happening within you that precludes seeing XC as fun or no pressure.
It is my opinion that folks at BN or below should be able to tool around on their own and have fun doing it.
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I took my green mare on her 4th trail ride ever on a solo trail ride in which we were the only people on the trails period with no cell signal and did 6 miles over all sorts of logs no problem but the thought of schooling XC on the same horse has me queasy.
Do you know what about it makes you queasy? Is it the thought of getting hurt jumping? Is it fear of messing up her training somehow? If itās the latter, maybe it would help to think of every mistake on your part as a chance for her to learn to take care of her own feet/balance and keep you both safe.
In my opinion the best way to get the most out of XC schooling is to figure out where the anxiety is rooted. Just even doing that will improve your riding! Even if the ride isnāt perfect, a confident rider can move up the levels over a timid rider with perfect skill.
It sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself as Libby highlights.
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We all crash. That is why we wear protective gear and take lessons. The more miles the more secure the ride. On XC, the more you jump, the safer you are. Even waiting around to jump more fences is better than just jumping a few and calling it a day. A horse with a confident rider will be more willing to give us the benefit of the doubt over the timid rider. Even if, as a rider, we are totally faking it.
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We all suck in our own minds. We donāt learn from success. We learn from failure and fixing the mistakes. I make tons of mistakes when I compete. But, that is why I school and train. When I compete/train I focus only on my riding and seeking that connection between me and my horse. In so doing, I remove any external judgement.
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Everyone here is giving you fantastic advice but I think I want to address your nerves.
Nerves are good! They keep us from doing something dangerously stupid. But nerves are also bad because they keep us from enjoying things. Have you thought about the reason why you have your nerves? Maybe you need to spend some time evaluating why your nerves are effecting you the way they are.
I will use myself as an example. I come across as incredibly confident and capable when I ride. I was able to fool my long-term instructor into thinking I was pretty much game for anything. Around when I got my divorce and my life basically fell apart, my anxiety that I normally kept under control by beating it into submission became a monster I couldnāt control.
I had full blown panic attacks sitting at my desk reading an email, riding my horse on the flat, driving my car, social dancing with friendsā¦and it kept getting worse. Thankfully my ex (we separated and divorced amicably. Amicably doesnāt mean that weāre best friends but he and I treated each other well through separation) encouraged me to see a therapist. I found one that practiced cognitive behavioral therapy with the goal to learn coping mechanisms so I could be my normal self. With my therapist I was able to figure out my triggers and learn healthy coping mechanisms.
Not long after I started therapy and an anti-anxiety medication, I had 2 huge breakthroughs. The first being The panic attacks at seemingly had no logical reason or triggered by sounds (wtf brain). The second was when I was driving down the quarter mile gravel driveway to my barn and I got a nervous flutter in my tummy. I thought am I actually nervous or am I excited? By the time I hit the end of the driveway and parked I realized that that nervous flutter was actually a flutter of excitement. I was able to change my mindset from jumping makes me nervous to jumping makes me excited.
Itās not a golden ticket. Going through your mental health and figuring out whatās going on sucks. Even almost a decade into the process I still have issues. I still getting my head and there are times when riding is anxiety inducing. The work is worth it. A decade ago I was barely jumping around 2 ft courses and Iāve been writing for over 15 years at that point and jumping the whole time. Now Iām looking at moving up to training and hopefully breaching prelim with a horse Iāve taken along myself.
I hope you figure stuff out. You sound like you want to do this. You got this. 100%.
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I agree with a lot of the previous posts, so Iām only chiming in with a completely different idea. Would you consider doing a little mini-holiday and book a 3+ day stay with a trainer with XC on the property? Then have lessons while youāre there. You can get 1-on-1 attention, and hopefully get quite a bit of schooling done in that time, building confidence for both you and your horse.
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Getting those butterflies to fly in formation! Try reading Amazon.com: The Brave Athlete: Calm the F*ck Down and Rise to the Occasion eBook : Marshall, PhD Simon, Paterson Lesley: Kindle Store It is written for triathletes but it is funny and very applicable for anyone interested in how to get their chimpanzee to behave. Good luck. You are definitely not alone.
Do you have to upgrade? It doesnāt sound like you have the confidence currently. Nothing wrong with sticking with a level until youāre bored, eventing is the only discipline with upgrade culture.
This sounds like a sport psychology issue, over a schooling issue. Have you considered looking into that?
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Thanks for sharing! Iām happy for you, that you have found what has helped mend you to fix you. Its a hard step and its definitely a battle to change your mind set. Its a never ending battle for me to find the positive, I was really good at it at one point. I hit a rut hard this year, threw my anxiety to the max. I finally reached out to a doctor, only a few days in, but even a few things feel better already.
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I was also going to suggest hunter paces. No standing around but you can choose what you want to jump and go at your own pace. Donāt like how a fence rode? Do it again!
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I found I did better without a trainer for awhile while I built my confidence up. I would warm up on the smaller stuff then add larger as I felt braver. And I didnāt feel rushed or like anyone was watching.
Around here, there are some facilities that are kind of always open for schooling, you just go and pay your fee and ride or in some cases you schedule a time. I donāt know if there are places like that close to you, but it seems like you may be able to pick an off time and go with just your trainer and a friend or two and avoid a lot of the waiting and standing around. Since these places are always available, they donāt end up with the kind of crowds you see when a venue offers just a handful of schooling dates for the whole year.
You need to call me! and Dorie! Iā d have you fist pumping the air like Ralph Hill and yelling Woo Hoo in no time. 
Some loud Rock & Roll music playing ā¦ Kind of like jumping stadium at Flying Cross with Black Magic Woman playing ā¦ wow did that set the rhythm of that round!
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I need to add, have you done real adventure trail riding? I donāt mean mosey meander down a trail. I mean trust where your horse puts their feet, sit back and stay in the middle, out of the way, and let your horse balance down a steep ravine. Stand up in the stirrups and free the rear end to bunch and jump up a steep hill. Real adventure teaches horses and kids! And trust. Trust in your horse. The horse knows this, then you can experience the rush and partnership that is the heart of eventing. There are other roads to travel.
What about speed? Is that a factor? Can you gallop relaxed? Can you use your body vs your hands to adjust speed?
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I just have to laugh at this a bitā¦currently sporting a cut on my nose from giving my horse her head trotting through the woods and she opted to go (yet again) under some branches - one was a bit thicker than I thought and I got whacked in the face. Usually, I duck down to her neck but didnāt think I needed toā¦sighā¦
Of course then Iām in the woods riding her bareback and I hear what sounds like a shotā¦then anotherā¦and what does my horse do? Stiffen up, perk her ears and WALK TOWARDS THE SOUND! And yep, the barn owner was shooting a BB or little .22 rifle at a target (away from where I was riding and facing away from anything).
Soā¦yeahā¦about trusting my horseā¦
Maybe enjoythrideās horse is more sensible and wonāt head straight for the closest volcano if given the chance.
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This is simple sports psychology. You are in one mental state when you compete and another when you practice and your āpracticeā mental state is not the one you recognize as being successful in this scenario so you keep trying to achieve your ācompetitionā mental state when schooling and cannot get into the zone and therefore feel that you are not in the correct mental state to jump xc at all and will fail and you get nervous. Your ācompetitionā adrenaline/ focus is like your lucky socks- without it you feel you cannot, literally cannot, accomplish the task.
I would suggest that you approach xc schooling as a completely different thing than competing. Try to make it a thought out, analytical, learning experience and do not even try to simulate the feeling of competition. I am not very good at this myself but I do try.
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That horse is brave and confident! Thatās a good mare for you! I have one just like that, she is so confident that when she sees something scary, she will pause and then march her big chestnut self right up to whatever the offending item is. I just hang on for the ride! Everyone loves trail riding her because she pretty much scoffs in the face of danger. Iāve also seen her go after uninvited dogs in her pastures; her confidence is well earned!
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