How to refuse trail ride with new barnmate

[exvet]

I will add to the consensus. She is not your responsibility; so, don’t make her one. You are fine to simply say, “No.” I have always been a ‘march to a different drum type’ and I wear it on my sleeve; so, perhaps I’m more calloused. You owe her no apologies. Consider her side, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” That doesn’t mean you have to accept or say ‘yes’.

[beowulf]

I just wanted to pop in because I realized, reading the comments, that there is something that needs to be repeated for anyone and everyone –

Saying no is not being rude.
Saying no is not being rude.
Saying no is not being rude.
Saying no is not being rude.
Saying no is not being rude.

I hate to pull in the whole “women have been conditioned…” mantra, but for real – you are not being rude when you decline something because it is out of your comfort level, or you just plain don’t wanna.

[Bluey]

@beowulf

I just wanted to pop in because I realized, reading the comments, that there is something that needs to be repeated for anyone and everyone –

Saying no is not being rude.
Saying no is not being rude.
Saying no is not being rude.
Saying no is not being rude.
Saying no is not being rude.

I hate to pull in the whole “women have been conditioned…” mantra, but for real – you are not being rude when you decline something because it is out of your comfort level, or you just plain don’t wanna.

Right.^

It is RUDE OF HER to keep insisting, already given a clear NO, several times.

[xQHDQ]

My horse used to be really good on trails and then we went out with someone and her horse bolted and my horse followed suit. Then we went out again with her and, again it happened. Then we went out with someone else and their horse bolted (my horse followed b/c that’s what horses do). Now, my horse is unpredictable on trail even when I go out alone.

Don’t go!

[Mango20]

@Darat

I think her horse is sour from overworking - she owns a horse 8 days now, 7 days in current barn (joined last Sunday, as my barn friend brought her horse home). She rides every day, before each ride she lunges profusely, then goes to indoor arena for 1,5 - 2 hours. After those trail rides she lunged and rode in indoor again, claiming that the horse is spooky and needs more excercise daily.
I am going to avoid her if possible now. I tried to be friendly to her as I ger how stressful is it to be new in boarding stable, but I realize that this girl is just ticking time bomb.

Wow, this seems like important information which would have added to the story! She’s only owned it 8 days and has fallen off at least two of those days? She’s working it for HOURS every day? Yikes. Even more reason to avoid her in general.

[joiedevie99]

@Mango20

Wow, this seems like important information which would have added to the story! She’s only owned it 8 days and has fallen off at least two of those days? She’s working it for HOURS every day? Yikes. Even more reason to avoid her in general.

Ditto! And the horse has been out of work for 2 years!!! This is clearly a mess.

[SuzieQNutter]

@joiedevie99

Ditto! And the horse has been out of work for 2 years!!! This is clearly a mess.

I agree.

I see this as cruelty. Take someone off the couch and make them run for 2 hours a day. Muscle soreness, shin soreness. Splints for the horse will be next. I bet the saddle doesn’t fit, risking fisulous withers. Someone needs to advocate for the horse. This should be the trainer on the property. At this rate the horse will never physically or mentally be able to be ridden again in the future.

[BatCoach]

@SuzieQNutter

I agree.

I see this as cruelty. Take someone off the couch and make them run for 2 hours a day. Muscle soreness, shin soreness. Splints for the horse will be next. I bet the saddle doesn’t fit, risking fisulous withers. Someone needs to advocate for the horse. This should be the trainer on the property. At this rate the horse will never physically or mentally be able to be ridden again in the future.

exactly. Poor horse is being set up to fail.

[Rackonteur]

@Darat

Thank you all for replies, I was having a guilt trip as when her horse returned riderless today other boarder mentioned that poor new girl fell off at trails twice already and that I should go with her next time to make sure she is safe. But I really don’t want to endanger myself or my horse, and I enjoy that caring aspect of horse ownership way more than riding itself - I am present at barn almost daily, although I ride only if weather is good, no rain, wind or too hot/cold and neither my horse or me are on fitness level to canter the fields - 98 % of our rides is walk and most of the time I even stop to hand graze for a while.
Sadly the new girl goes to barn around the same time as me, and is there daily, so it probably will create bad blood that I am not willing to trail ride with her and I really enjoy my peace and quiet at the barn. I will keep saying no somewhat diplomatically, probably that “its not you its me” type of conversation - like I am bad rider and don’t feel comfortable going with other rider etc. I hope she will eventually get the hint.
”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹

Why does this other boarder think you should go with the girl? If other boarder thinks the girl needs company, why doesn’t other boarder go with her? Why try to put the guilt trip on you?

Please don’t feel guilty. You are doing the right thing for your horse and for you.

And even if you did agree to go with her sometime (please don’t!), if she said she would just walk, she would probably canter off without you.

[shall]

@tbchick84

Save your popcorn. She’s talking about my thread, where I dared to express my frustration about not being able to find like minded riders to trail ride with at my new barn. My horse and I like to go at a trot/canter pace and I was having trouble finding anyone who did anything but walk. Riding alone was not an option for me. (and no I didn’t then or now ask for or need advice on this) I asked if anyone had similar problems. About half the responses were just that, people who had similar issue and expressed similar frustrations. Others seemed to think I was looking for advice, training help, was a spoiled brat for wanting to ride above a walk, blah blah blah. It became a “life’s too short for this” sort of thread, so I checked out and went riding.

I’ve since found two people to ride with. One I won a recent hunter pace with on our first ride together. The other person who normally walks decided she wanted to try trotting the other day. We ended up cantering by the end of the ride. She came to me the next day and said her confidence had improved so much in that ride, she signed up for a hunter pace. She was so excited about it, and I felt good that I was able to help her get her confidence back.

OP, “no” is a perfectly sufficient answer. If her horse is consistently dumping her and coming back solo, that’s a big red flag. Trust your gut and don’t worry about being perceived as rude. As I’ve recently rediscovered, you’ll be judged no matter what you say so do what is right for your situation. Hopefully you will find someone you feel comfortable riding with.

Nice reply. Finding and making friends at the barn with similar interests takes some efforts. Glad it worked out for you. This NB sounds the demanding type. Maybe, she’ll settle down in a year or two.

[TheJenners]

@pony grandma

I would never ride with anyone I didn’t know well enough to trust. When I had my first horse at a mixed discipline barn we would go out in groups back when you could ride thru the farm fields late fall after harvest. One person would think it was funny to lag back then kick her horse and run up from behind, and run up on the group and start a panic. I can still feel the fear I experienced. Don’t do it. And tell her why… It will ruin your horse. And you will get hurt.

My own MOTHER took joy in, without warning, taking off in a gallop, regardless of the group dynamics or wishes on trail rides. Green horses, green riders, even her own students. Some people just don’t GDAF about anyone but themselves.

[LaurieB]

Every time this thread bumps up, I open it to see if the barnmate is in the hospital yet.

[Darat]

No, she is still not in a hospital. After I refused to ride with her few more times she started completely ignoring me. She stopped trying to trail ride after a week full of falls.
However, her poor gelding is off grain (as she said he needs less energy) saddle sore and still being lunged and ridden in arena for hours every day. He is dropping weight rapidly, I am afraid he might die during winter.

[2DogsFarm]

I doubt gelding will die w/o grain, but BM should be compensating with more hay.

If this is a problem & horse is dropping weight & losing condition - see Henneke Scale - one would hope HO provides more forage either on her own or by arrangement with BO/BM.
If HO has a vet, that Pro should address diet.

[ayrabz]

@LaurieB

Every time this thread bumps up, I open it to see if the barnmate is in the hospital yet.

hhahahaha…everytime this thread bumps up, for ME…I open it to see if its been found that spoken about barnmate IS same poster complaining about never finding someone to yee haw/gallop with on trails!

Anyway: OP…if she’s ignoring you, thank goodness its done. If she’s not caring for/feeding her horse (now a whole new issue!) I’d try to allow management/owners to deal with that. Barn drama lives when you feed it. AGAIN, not your circus not your monkeys.

[Ruth0552]

Everytime this thread bumps up I hope to find an update that the idiot boarder has given up and the poor horse has found a new home with someone that has a brain.

[HungarianHippo]

God, that poor, poor horse. Shame on the BO/BM for allowing this kind of gross mismanagement under their roof. I would say something to the HO-- remark on the sores and weight loss, and say that the horse urgently needs first aid and nutrition support. Honestly, maybe I’m just feeling a bit peppery rn but I’d get in that shameful woman’s face and make it very, very uncomfortable for her next time she goes to put a saddle on over saddle sores. And report the situation to the BO who hopefully realizes that a malnourished, mistreated horse in their facility reflects as badly on them as it does the horse owner.

May not (probably won’t) solve the problem, but I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing for that poor horse. GAH why are humans such total flippling a-holes.

[MLOaks]

If she’s new to horses, she might know about deworming either.

[Spudsmyguy]

I attended a NH clinic a few years ago (he was one of the good ones) and there was one participant who was young, I think 12 or 13, there with her family. She had just bought a 3 year old TW who was very sweet and good natured. However, the girl worked this poor baby All. Day. Long. First she lunged for about 20 minutes until clinic started and participated in that. Afterwards, there was a trail ride with the group - lots of up and down hills for about 3 hours. After the trail ride, the girl continued riding - at a canter mostly until it was time for dinner. This was in the middle of summer with temps in the 90s. I felt so sick watching her work this horse into the ground. I’m very surprised the baby didn’t end up totally broken or lame after that. Probably did eventually.

[GaitedSadie]

I dont understand why after falling off on that trail while cantering she’d go and do it again. Or why she’d go and speed up on a trail she is not familiar with. How is she supposed to know there isn’t a sharp turn or something that could seriously injure her and her horse.