That’s really interesting. Almost like the way the Madigan squeeze technique works on foals - and is also helpful for anxiety and for people on the autism spectrum.
Yes, I used to volunteer at a therapeutic riding center, and remember a student with autism who really objected to any kind of touch from the side walker, but would also get upset if you took your hand away or tried to do a “hover” hand. So you kind of had to do rhythmic squeezes… it couldn’t feel too restraining or too hovering, but just very clear “hello I’m here but I’m not cornering you.” Probably kind of weird to say this kid comes to mind when I ride my horse, but I do think about him from time to time. Feels like it helps to channel that same energy at least.
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This is not particular helpful, but I have a “princess and the pea” type horse who cannot be relaxed if she is uncomfortable in any way. And she is super sensitive.
So it’s a constant game of whackamole chasing down whatever may be bothering her. Sometimes it’s physical. Sometimes it’s tack. Many times (heck, most of the time), it’s me.
But she has taught me to always look a little deeper into tension that persists more than a stride or two. I know you already are doing that. I might even try having someone with a strong background in biomechanics evaluate you and your horse to see if anything jumps out at them.
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Best thing I did for my very cooked/separation anxiety OTTB was hack. He just cruised around the roads (lovely wide grass verges) in walk/trot/canter in straight lines until he learnt to breathe a bit and go forward. It was ugly to begin with (jogging and screaming for his friends) but he now cruises along on the buckle and has developed a lovely swinging trot that I never thought he’d be capable of. I introduce all new work out hacking for him especially so he’s learning lengthened trot but only out hacking.
He came in from a hack yesterday with a drooping lower lip and soft happy ears - something I never would’ve believed he’d be capable of!
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I think you can teach relaxation by teaching the horse to think. You do groundwork - never push to the point of anxiety, ask questions to lead the horse to make good decisions. Add cookies for reassurance. Count to 5 between questions. When they gain confidence and relaxation you can ask for more.
Having the horse use the correct muscle groups aids in relaxation too. If the brachiochephalicus is braced forget it - the horse can use the neck against you. So you need to teach that yo be relaxed in the groundwork first.
Also check your aids. Sometimes tension arises from really conflicting aids. How are you steering? Too much leg? How are the hands? How is your balance, how is the timing between aids?
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This all depends on the horse, because some want the micromanagement and some get ticked off when you do it.
But for my anxious and tight late mare, when she’d be having a bad day I’d alternate between letting her do something “her way” and then doing it “my way”. 20m circle your way, then a 20m circle my way. It took the pressure off long enough for her to realize we aren’t in a battle against each other, that we can talk about it.
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Do you ever get relaxation when you’re riding? Not necessarily when you ask for relaxation… maybe the better question is “is he ever relaxed when you’re riding?”
My younger horse was an anxious type. For some anxiety, the am I doing what you want? anxiety rewards and praise were key. I had to do it mounted if it was a mounted thing. He was incredibly food motivated so I did use food rewards while riding. He’d slam on the brakes the instant I said “Good boy!” and turn his head for his piece of carrot when he was really uncertain that he’d actually done what I wanted. While that sounds like it’s creating a problem, it didn’t. When he gained confidence in the answer I’d say “Good boy!” and he’d puff himself up proudly and keep doing the thing.
When it was general anxiety about the situation, whether place, scary thing, imaginary dragons (I didn’t know what was bothering him most days - now I know it was probably related to his neurological impairment) I did rabbit practice. It’s a Warwick Schiller idea that sets the horse up to learn how to release his anxiety on his own (and helps the rider learn how to support the horse and give the time needed for the horse to do that).
In the beginning I did a lot of rabbit practice, and did it on days when all I really wanted to do was dressage training. It paid off big time, and we got to the point that if he got anxious I’d start rabbit practice and he’d release his anxiety within a minute or two as if I’d asked “Is it really a problem?” and reminded him to assess instead of just react.
BTW I also fed magnesium. The product advised double dosing for the. first week, and I inadvertently half dosed the first week. And I noticed a difference! I did full dose going forward. The difference was a slowing of reaction to anxiety stimulus. This gave him the mental space to benefit from the rabbit practice.
If you didn’t notice a difference when he started magnesium, you’re probably wasting your money.
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He is relaxed when hacking out AND ironically, in the warmup at horse shows (for the most part). Saying that has made me wonder if the issue is him being alone??
I figured about the same about the mag. I’m just finishing out the bag I have!
Maybe it’s you.
How do you feel hacking out? What’s your focus? How tight is your focus?
How do you feel when practicing alone in the ring at home? Are you focused on doing things better and advancing his dressage training? Is your focus different when your coach is there? How tight is your focus?
How do you feel in the warm up at shows? What’s your focus? How tight is your focus?
How do you feel going into the show ring? Are you trying hard to get it right? To do well? To not allow that bobble your horse tends to do?
I’m not asking for me. I’m asking to get you to think about it and see if you might be contributing to gis anxiety, and play with different focuses in different places to see what happens. I’m not riding the horse so I can’t tell you the answer. I can ask questions based on my own experience that might help you figure it out. 
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Definitely not me, since it’s a problem that can be recreated with other riders unfortunately. I wish it were that easy!
Ok, this brings me back to elaborate a bit more about my current horse. I’ve had her for 10 years. We moved stables 3 and a bit years ago. Everyone at the previous stable KNEW my horse was batshit cray cray and liable to meltdowns, blowing her stack, and generally being wound between her bouts of sanity.
At the present stable, nobody believes how batshit she really was. They see me allowing children (under supervision) to fetch her from her field. They see her hacking out alone. They see me jump off in the middle of a ride and leave her standing all by herself, tacked up, while I run to move something/pick something up/help another rider. They see her helping other horses get over their meltdowns. They see her shrugging off the most crazy stuff (feed delivery by bicycle to her friends in the neighbouring stalls, hover boards with lights in the aisleway, minibikes doing crazy things, and more) without a care.
This wasn’t due to the change of stable. This was a very long slow process of her becoming more relaxed and understanding her job. It was due to consistent daily handling over literally years.
Be patient. Take the time the horse needs to develop trust and self-assurance. If you love this horse and he has the athletic ability to meet your goals, set the calendar aside and let the horse dictate the pace for learning.
There is a saying about training horses “take your time, but don’t waste time.” With these horses, sometimes you are going to feel like you’re wasting time. You’re not. They are just on a different schedule than the super easy ones. My downfall is, “We should be training x,y,z by now!” I remind myself that I wouldn’t jump ahead on an easy horse with a tighter calendar so I shouldn’t jump ahead on this horse with her very loosey goosey calendar.
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Thank you thank you thank you! I had probably the best ride I’ve ever had on this horse tonight. I wasn’t expecting any amazing turn around this quickly, but I actually felt him take a breath today. Thank you!
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You’re welcome 
Ok, this brings me back to elaborate a bit more about my current horse. I’ve had her for 10 years. We moved stables 3 and a bit years ago. Everyone at the previous stable KNEW my horse was batshit cray cray and liable to meltdowns, blowing her stack, and generally being wound between her bouts of sanity.
At the present stable, nobody believes how batshit she really was. They see me allowing children (under supervision) to fetch her from her field. They see her hacking out alone. They see me jump off in the middle of a ride and leave her standing all by herself, tacked up, while I run to move something/pick something up/help another rider. They see her helping other horses get over their meltdowns. They see her shrugging off the most crazy stuff (feed delivery by bicycle to her friends in the neighbouring stalls, hover boards with lights in the aisleway, minibikes doing crazy things, and more) without a care.
This wasn’t due to the change of stable. This was a very long slow process of her becoming more relaxed and understanding her job. It was due to consistent daily handling over literally years.
Be patient. Take the time the horse needs to develop trust and self-assurance. If you love this horse and he has the athletic ability to meet your goals, set the calendar aside and let the horse dictate the pace for learning.
There is a saying about training horses “take your time, but don’t waste time.” With these horses, sometimes you are going to feel like you’re wasting time. You’re not. They are just on a different schedule than the super easy ones. My downfall is, “We should be training x,y,z by now!” I remind myself that I wouldn’t jump ahead on an easy horse with a tighter calendar so I shouldn’t jump ahead on this horse with her very loosey goosey calendar.
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This sounds exactly like my mare.
She proceeded to buck off the A grade showjumping husband in such a way that my boss said she would never be a school horse.
She started training her when her horse went unsound. The last ride she unmounted from a rear and threw the reins at someone and said take this horse away I can’t ride it.
I found her in the broodmare paddock where she did not get in foal, full of holes especially on her face.
I started lunging her and after 3 days I said I would buy her. I sprayed her daily with permoxin, the holes became lumps and then disappeared.
The bully said I would never be able to ride her, i would never be able to compete on her. I would never be able to do upper level movements on her and I only bought her to suck up to my boss. That was when I learned the above.
I just thought well I have seen you ride, the type who gets a new horse every year as they blame the horse for not being good enough and I know how I ride, the type who trains horses to be better, so I continued to buy her.
I owned her for 11 years and the only time she bucked on me was when I jumped on her bareback. She kept bucking until I eventually slid down her shoulder with a handful of mane, she was very upset and all I did was say sorry for getting on her bareback, she was not punished at all. She cured me of bare back riding!
I won our first competition when I suddenly went in place of a friend who had entered and her horse was lame. My mare looked like a wild woolly bear and everyone else did not have a hair out of place! That proves that dressage judging is not who you know as I had moved interstate and I was a newbie to them.
Hubby said me doing extended trot on her looked exactly like the riders on TV.
I could put complete beginners on her without her batting an eyelid. She was the quietest horse.
She could do dressage, showjumping and cross country.
She taught me how to use my seat and how to do downward transitions.
I really miss her.
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I think it depends what exactly is making the horse stressed/how he exhibits stress.
My last three horses have all been very stressed/problem horses (that’s why I bought them) but they have all been different in how they exhibit the stress and what sets it off, which means they all needed different techniques for trying to tackle it.
One thing I’d say with all of them is they never became normal. They were always hindered by stress and I could only learn to manage it or avoid it from happening. With my previous horse this meant some days I just didn’t ride, because I could sense her stress level was high even while tacking up. or I might start out riding and then get off if I felt her switch.
My current horse is basically always stressed. With her I’ve had to learn (and am still learning) that I have to manage my expectations rather than manage HER. I bought her to be my dressage horse but in the end dressage stresses her out. So, instead I’ve been doing endurance competitions because she is more relaxed out on the trails and she likes that I don’t really bother her.
The other thing I did with all of these horses is get creative. My current horse would break I to a lathered sweat as soon as we went into an arena, so I only did trail riding with her for the first year.
My previous horse was more shut down and backwards, so I taught her to have fun going forward like by kicking a big ball, going over obstacles, teaching tricks like picking up a whip and delivering it to me, etc.
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