Since you keep your horses at home, just tell your instructor that you’re taking the winter off and find someone else and don’t call the train wreak back in the spring.
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Lots of good advice here but for yourself, remember guilt is optional.
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Or no guilt required. At all.
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Not at all required.
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I left a boarding barn where the social life was great but the BO became progressively more disinterested. And he lied. All the time. About the care that was being provided. My horse was definitely not getting enough hay and I routinely supplemented with beet pulp. He wouldn’t let anyone fill water troughs outside and I actually got in trouble for carrying buckets from the barn, in winter. “he doesn’t drink outside” BS. His favourite line was if you don’t like it, leave. After I gave notice, every time I was up, someone would say that their horse didn’t have bedding or hay or water. Every time. When I gave notice, I just said it was closer to home and that now he would have a paddock buddy.
I found a lovely, small barn with terrific, consistent care. Although, I have PTSD almost about asking for care for my horse. And the new BO is ALWAYS supportive and interested.
The difference in both my horse and myself is significant.
I can’t tell you how glad I am that I pulled the plug.
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Instead of a BO/M who is dissing … well, everyone … I like a BO/M who calls/texts to say “Your horse has a micro-cut on his pastern and we treated and bandaged it. When you are out here I will help you change the bandage.”
I thought I knew how to bandage. This BO/M didn’t think so, and I so appreciate the education from a very experienced and caring horse-dedicated professional. For a cut so small, many people would just smear on some furazone and let it go.
This BO/M takes her clients to A shows regularly. She has huge experience and very definite opinions – but she never trashes anyone, ever. Her family and very best close personal friends probably hear a lot of interesting things. But no one else does.
Whereas toxic trainer pays less attention to the horses in her care and more to regulating what everyone in the barn thinks and says. And denigrating the best professionals in her branch of horse sport.
To me, that’s the difference.
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@pennylaneplainjane: Move on. Yes, trainer will throw a fit, want to talk about it, negotiate, etc. DON’T. You don’t owe this person an opportunity to guilt you into staying in the program. Fortunately your horse isn’t at that barn. Focus on finding a better program. Be prepared for all of the drama. It will go away quickly. Move on. So many of us have these stories.
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Let me get this straight, the barn you go to is full of people you don’t like and neither you nor your horse is benefitting from going there?
Why exactly are you still going there?
If current trainer can’t handle, hey I’m moving because there is no reason for me to be here, then so what? That’s their malfunction not yours. You don’t not have to participate in drama
People always go on about don’t burn bridges etc- I say buy a damn boat and get yourself across the river 
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They can be upset. Let them!
Just leave and be you on your own terms.
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I love this!
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ugh- except for my stupid autocorrect,
Buy lol
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I would also suggest reading the current thread “Let Them” which is about a new bestselling book advising you in part on how not to internalize every bit of nastiness from problem people.
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Sad to say, but out of sight, out of mind. When you’re not there for a bit they’ll forget about you and bother someone else.
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Beautiful things happen when toxic people leave your life!
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I had my horses at home for many years and I boarded in a few places as well. My advice to you is to focus on the fact that this is an expensive sport and life commitment that is supposed to be Fun. If there is a negative vibe in the barn or you arrive with a knot in your stomach, that is your inner voice telling you it’s not a good situation for you and it’s time to make a change. I boarded in one barn to work with a gifted trainer, but the barn manager was such a toxic entity in the barn, I left. As soon as my big old draftie was on the trailer, I thought, 'Why did I wait so long to do this?" Bad things can happen with toxic people. That barn manager took my daughter’s little tank Highland pony out of dry lot and without telling us, turned her out on lush June grass. She foundered and we brought her home where it was a long, heartbreaking roller coaster of recovery and setbacks that eventually resulted in sinking and euthanasia. It was a spiteful move by that barn manager and very costly both emotionally and financially to my family.
I eventually found a wonderful trainer with a small program that I absolutely loved. My horse was well cared for and the owner was a responsible person with an impressive resume combined with a great personality and true love of the horses. What a gift - no drama, great care and excellent training. Keep looking until you find a place that makes you happy.
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I think the atmosphere of a barn is very important. I think that a negative vibe can come from a barn culture that comes from a trainer or BM that has a more difficult personality or is reluctant/afraid to step in and set boundaries when a client is engaging in behavior that affects the barn atmosphere. But, I also think that there is another source of toxicity, from trainers and BO/BMs that do not have good boundary setting skills or do not have sustainable business models and end up feeling angry and resentful.
@OverandOnward, in your post you talk about a BO/BM that calls and texts about micro-cuts and helps people with bandaging. Ok, so, that’s very nice, and I’m not dissing that. But it made me think of something. I think that a lot of BMs (and trainers) start out as people pleasers who genuinely care about horses and who are genuinely proud of taking good care of horses, and who also try to maintain an unrealistically high standard of demonstrating how conscientious they are–to the point where it is not possible to maintain over a long period of time. To the point where there is a lack of appropriate boundaries and where the trainer/BO/BM might start to feel tension, resentment and possibly burnout.
I think that toxic people sometimes are genuinely toxic…but sometimes are also people who struggle with boundary setting and are in a reactive emotional state that reflects that.
Whatever the reason is, I definitely recommend that someone moves to a new barn if they feel uncomfortable or unwelcome when they come out to ride. I’m merely giving a nod to the fact that running an equine business can sometimes bring out the worst in people who aren’t comfortable setting realistic boundaries with their clients.
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