We are the same! I feel liek my riding is on a downward spiral. I get tense, have a bad ride, beat myself up and then get more tense in my next ride! I can’t wait to lesson again to fix it!
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I agree with the video taping idea. It is a great way to see what it actually looks like. Try doing some hill/field work as others have mentioned. I think just practicing will really help. I tend to have my jumps set higher than what I do at shows too. This makes the horse show jumps seem tiny and easy! if you are doing small jumps, it is ok to chip because you will not die. Try chucking the reins at her and let her find a spot instead of picking. You’ll be amazed at what distances show up.
You are definitely not alone, as this thread can attest 
The things that work for me have mostly been mentioned -
(1) Work on your pace on the flat at first. Enlist a ground person or riding buddy who can watch you and give you instant feedback;
(2) Lots of pole work - my issues with speed is mostly about feeling out of control when dealing with longer distance. When in doubt I ride to the add so adding pace over ground poles can help build my confidence and “re-calibrate” my internal speedometer;
(3) Video taping your rides and actually watching those videos. Painful at times but highly effective. I remember I was shocked a few years ago after watching a video of my round from a show. I would have sworn up and down that we were carrying a good pace if not too much pace. The video told a very, very different story, and regular videos have helped quite a bit.
Many people have recommended riding out of the ring. That can help, provided that you aren’t going to spend the entire time worrying about uneven ground or a wild horse, etc. If you have access to good footing and a good minded horse, it can be very useful. If that is not the case, adding out of the ring riding may not be the right approach to this problem. Its generally beneficial, in my view, but might not be the right solution for this problem right now.
I completely understand. This was something I struggled with as well (and still do some days) - learning to ride with pace. What helps me sometimes is to think about getting a “jumping canter” where my horse is really taking me and carrying more pace as opposed to just cantering along. I’m not sure what size horse you’re riding, but if you’re on something smaller or a horse with a smaller step it may feel like they’re going a lot faster than they actually are. If you can have someone video your rides, that might help. You can watch after and you’ll see that you’re not going as fast as maybe it feels. That helped me a lot.
Watching video really is eye-opening! To this day I think I am going mach 1…and the video looks like I am creeping along! :lol:
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So much of what I want to say has already been said.
So I’ll add a +1 to the following:
-videotape your rides, you’re not going as fast as you think
-practice opening the stride and then coming back to a “controlled” pace
-pony motors are different than horse motors, their little legs just move differently
-some of it is just nerves and you’ll have to get over that in order to progress
In addition, I’ll say that if you are going over tiny jumps, 2’ or less, you don’t need more pace. My barn has a roster of lesson horses that couldn’t make an actual 5 stride line in 5 strides if there was a bucket of beet pulp at the end of it! But they are safe safe safe jumping horses that will get that line in 6 strides or maybe even 7 if you are nervous. Learning to ride is about changing one thing at a time and slowly building on what works. If going faster right now does not work, then don’t do it.
My horse can make the strides and it is much easier for him to jump that 5 stride in 5 strides rather than 6. It feels better once we have the rhythm that works for him. Which is NOT the rhythm that normally feels good to me! My trainer started telling me that I was riding backwards. And seeing some video, I really was. I jumped a course and felt like I was flying through it. But on video it actually looks really lovely and smooth. Because it’s better for my horse and how his stride is working. Talk to your trainer, try some things, but don’t push it if you don’t have to.
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Paradox, really a pony a lot of the time. A pretty short one. I haven’t asked his exact height, but I’m pretty sure it’s under 14 hands.
It’s so good to know I’m not alone! We jumped a grid today and worked on getting a good pace. Next time I ride on a weekend, I will make my husband come with me and video!
If you’re jumping with a coach, I’m sure this is being addressed, but if you jump on your own:
Make sure you are actually measuring your lines (like with a measuring tape unless you have tons of practice pacing off lines) and ensure they are set to your pony’s stride. If you are on a pony that does not have a natural 12-foot stride, then don’t set up your lines with 12-foot strides. That will make you charge down the lines to make the stride (or trying to and then chipping), which will increase that out-of-control feeling.
Especially indoors, and with smaller fences, you won’t be jumping lines set at 12-foot striding. That’s another reason why I feel I’m going so fast on course when I first move outdoors! But then, there’s more room at the ends to adjust pace.
Another mental aspect, if you feel this is an issue - I found myself much more controlling when I rode hunters. It’s hard work trying to make everything so perfect, and I was getting stressed out. I find if I think instead about riding it like an equitation course (ie. concentrate on me instead of the horse) that it helps too. Maybe you could just do what I did and switch to eventing :lol: You realize pretty quickly how slow you’re going when you watch video of your eventing derby and realize you look like you’re doing a hunter derby! 
I’m a very visual person and struggle with control issues (as I think many adult new and re-riders deal with) and pace, as well. Video taping as others have mentioned is very useful.
Another idea, have your coach get on and watch her ride at the pace she wants you to go. Count the rhythm. Focus on the pace, does it look too fast, scary, out of control, etc.? Then, try to emulate it. Years ago, I had a coach take me to an exercise track to work on pace and I was terrified. And we were only working at novice speed, not even truly galloping! I decided to let her get on my horse first so I could watch, when I saw their pace was quite reasonable, I counted their rhythm. When I got back on and felt like we were going too fast, I counted our rhythm and realized we were going the same pace and were not out of control or too fast by any means. By being able to recall that visual image, it helped me to manage my anxiety and squelch some of that over controling nature of realizing I’m on a 1000+ lb animal with its own brain.
That and lots of practice to realize everything doesn’t have to perfect. :). Pony is gonna jump from some bad spots, you’re going to lean, or pitch, or both, but you’ll make it over and give pony a pat to thank him and promise to try to not do it again (which at some point you inevitably will and follow with a pat and another promise). Have fun and good luck!
You need a theme song. 
Pick a song that has the same tempo as the stride you need when you’re on course. Listen to that song on the way to the barn. Sing the song to yourself on course. And keep the song in mind when you’re falling asleep at night and visualize yourself on course.
This approach has definitely helped me!
You’re definitely not alone, and as others have mentioned it probably has to do with being on a pony. My current horse is quite short strided, and when we’re doing a course on a 12’ stride it can feel like we’re totally out of control (currently jumping up to 2’9"). But we’ve really just got a nice flowy canter. On another horse of similar height (about 15hh) with a longer stride, it feels almost like I’m under paced, but it’s still a 12 foot stride. I also struggle with using too much hand, so I focus on sitting up, trying to stay relaxed and grabbing mane if all else fails! As others have mentioned, watching videos also really helps because I see just how slow I’m really going. It might sound stupid but I also tell myself that no matter what it feels like, if I really were out of control, my trainer wouldn’t let me continue that way (I only jump in lessons these days).
For me, it’s especially frustrating because as a teenager I was competing up to 1.10m on a 13.3hh pony. We would motor around those courses with no problem. I think it’s a combination of a 20 year break from riding and not being a teenager anymore that makes it hard to be comfortable with the faster pace.
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