The $700 Pony Goes Christmas Shopping (part 4)

[SimpleSimon]

RR ”" your story cracked me up…and unfortunately reminded me of one of my more embarrassing moments with the truck, trailer and horse.

Let me set the stage by saying at the time this occurred I was living on a shoe-string budget and had a rig that resembled something the Beverly Hillbillys would have been proud of. The truck was a 1969 Ford that had originally been turquoise and white but along the way had earned a new hood that was oxidized navy blue and had also acquired a silver’ish tailgate. I had managed to obtain a free canopy for it ”" and by looking at it you could tell why it was free. The truck was about 25 years old but through the fate of the Gods (or maybe the devil himself), the trailer I purchased matched the turquoise parts on the truck. Needless to say, you could see and hear me coming from a hundred miles away.

So, I’m heading off for an event ”" one that I hadn’t been to before ”" with my girlfriend following behind me in her much more stylish and newer rig. Not surprisingly, I manage to miss the turn for the driveway which was the width of a toothpick with shrubbery on each side. Mild moment of panic ensues as I am really bad at backing up and since the truck doesn’t have power steering all of my turning has to take place while the rig is moving (unless you have the strength of Superman ”" then you can turn the wheel while the truck is still). So, I continue cruising on down the state highway and see a cemetery. I think to myself this is a WONDERFUL place to turn around because it will have the much appreciated loop driveway. And since we’re in no-mans land, nobody will be there to witness our brief trip around the loop ”" of course, I’m thinking that I’ll be appropriately solemn and reflective as I drive through.

By now, I’m sure you can guess where this is headed. With the Beverly Hillbilly rig leading the way we head around the loop…and find the loop blocked by a funeral IN PROCESS. It appears that one of the town’s 50 residents has passed away. Crap and other similar words were the first words that sprang to mind ”" not exactly reflective and solemn or particularly appropriate for attendance at a funeral - nor was I dressed for the moment. So now, I have to back up which I am not the best at and certainly not in this particular truck. But not only do I have to back up, but I have to do it in a loop that was designed for one-way traffic, dodge headstones and graves all while under the watch of those attending the funeral…who suddenly found the appearance of two horse trailers to be much more interesting than the graveside services. Topping this all off, my nickname in elementary school was Tomato Face given my incredible ability to blush at the drop of a hat and between my red face and the bright turquoise rig, anyone that looked at me would need sunglasses or they would be risking permanent damage to their eyes.

After multiple attempts, at jockeying back and forth a few of the attendees of the funeral took pity on us or perhaps got tired of listening to my rattling exhaust and breathing leaded gas fumes and guided us around the headstones and graves. I must say I was beet red and completely mortified and will never again use a cemetery to turn around in.

Keep up the $700 pony stories - they always bring a smile to my face and I’m sure to many other faces as well!

[SaddleFitterVA]

While I’m not in the same category as RR, my long lost twin, when it comes to writing funny homilies…I will attempt to contribute to the humorous aspect of the thread.

One of the things I’ve learned while dealing with construction that some terms just have different meanings…you get along better if you can learn these terms. And better yet if you can say them with a straight face.

There are the common terms that everyone knows about. Such as male and female connections in plumbing and electrical. Males fit into females…guy talk eh?

First off, if you ever start talking about building a metal frame arena or barn, you get lots of “erection” talk. And this is from guys, said with a straight face.

Then, you get into plumbing parts. Ah, the vocabulary. When I started building the farm, I never would have imagined that guys would call me to tell me the nipples I ordered are in.

You see, I wanted to build blanket bars, like the ones that are at a barn I frequent. I like the bars, and realized that they were made from plumbing supplies. I also realized that there was little chance of finding those items at Lowe’s or Home Depot, and this means going to the plumbing supply store to attempt to communicate in a foreign language.

I go, because I have to buy 4 new frost free yard hydrants to replace the POS ones that Tractor Supply sold me. But, this was a good chance to get my blanket bar supplies. I stammer my way through an attempt at describing what I want…

SF: “What I’m trying to do is find pipe, that has a wall mount and an elbow and is about <this big>, so that I can fit a closet rod sized dowel inside as a bar, I think it is cast iron or something”
Salesguy: “Are you sure it is cast iron?”
SF: “no, it has a bit of a pebbly texture though, like it could have been cast”
Salesguy: “probably steel pipe”
SF: “Sure, it could be steel”
Salesguy: “would pvc work?”
SF: “Oh no, that wouldn’t be anywhere sturdy enough”
Salesguy: draws a picture, explaining that an elbow gives no clearance and I’d need a flange, a nipple and an elbow…
Salesguy: “Let me go into the back and see what I have”

So, Salesguy brings out stuff, I look and it is a 2 male end nipple, and a female end elbow. They have no flanges, but can get them in.

Salesguy: “Do you want 5” or 6" nipples?"
SF: <who has mastered not snickering at female anatomy parts being used as names of hardware> “I think the 5”, how far does the flange stick out?"

So, today, I get a call. The cell phone is crackly and I hear “Hello, shsla;lkjf ;alsjasdfie shhshsh at adfasdf in Leesburg”, I say “where?” I hear “from asshshsre, your akfsig, nipples and elbows are in”.

Oh…nipples, must be the plumbing supply store! I ask “oh, my stuff is in? Thanks. I’ll come by tomorrow morning to pick it up”.

So, when you get ready to build, and are a petite, female acting as a general contractor, you must learn the poker face. Also, it is important to know how to nod, and repeat back so that you sound really more educated in such things than you are! Driving a cool, red dually is also going to get you some contractor brownie points. .

Mel

[jhodkin]

RR - I haven’t laughed out loud at something so funny in a long time . Thank you. I really think you have a talent and really should compile a book - it would definately be a best seller in the horsey world!

Julia
Future Sport Horses - Event Horse Breeders

[SaddleFitterVA]

RR,

You have made my morning with that post!

I am giggling uncontrollably and while I bet you are more timely than I am, you make me feel like a paragon of organization and a very timely person by reading your stories.

And, Sarapony probably is going to post that she wasn’t aware I had another child and a new horse…since that obviously could have been my story!

Mel

[XCountry]

Why do you call her the $700 pony???

[To_the_MAX]

Aww, great story! It was very well written and really funny. Who do you train with? (I go to Del Val!) Oh, and even funnier because I know exactly the WalMart you did this at and what road you turned into…I’m sure you had fun with that one

[SaddleFitterVA]

LOL, me have clean saddle pads? When you have too many horses, you have to have too many saddle pads as well. And how can you assess saddle fit by dirt if the saddle pad isn’t clean to start with?

I have a few trailering stories, but they usually involved being stuck through equipment failure or lack of traction…I guess you are bound to have a few stories if you haul as much as I do. Although, my mileage is dropping now that I live closer in.

When do you want to come see the new farm Syn?

You can see a sneak preview at www.terraoasis.com but you should come see it in person.

Mel

[LAD]

Please, please, please keep the updates coming! I check every day to see if you have written another edition. I don’t know when I have laughed so hard. My family thanks you for putting me in a better mood.

[Shipsinator]

I just read this post, and then had to go back and read the previous 3. They are all hillarious and you are a fantastic writer!

[gully_s_pilot]

Honestly, I’m a writer, and it is damned hard to write anything this funny, and you are damned good at it! I am feeling really depressed this morning–my mother-in-law and her husband are due soon–I can’t complain to my husband because he is way more depressed about it than I am (those are half his genes, after all)–logging on and getting a new $700 pony installment was exactly what I needed! Thanks.

[Synrgystyk]

Can I add to the trailering stories??? I have a good one from several years ago…Ok, so this doesn’t involve any driving difficulties on my part, but I’ll tell it anyway.

Background: We didn’t have much money so our trailer was an old 2-horse with 3/4 doors (my horse liked to lean on them so I had to make sure his tail stayed on the outside of the door) and the truck was a 1973 Ford F100 (a big step up from the '69 Ford with “armstrong” steering – the F100 had POWER steering!).

I was heading to Holland, MI with two horses to give rides at a camp for kids with Muscular Dystrophy (we did this every year). It was about a 45 minute haul, the last few miles on a two-lane highway. I talked the friend who was going with me into following me in her car to keep other traffic away from the rear of the trailer.

Most of the journey was uneventful but as we were driving down the two-lane highway I noticed a small sporty-type car tailgating my friend. Sure enough, he just had to whip around her and squeeze himself into the bit of road space she left between her car and the rear of the trailer. At this point I could barely see his car in my mirrors since he was so close to the trailer.

Luckily (for him I guess), we didn’t have far to go and soon pulled into the camp area. As I got out of the truck, I could see that my friend was laughing so hard she had tears rolling down her face. Between gasps for breath she managed to tell me that my horse had taught the tailgater a lesson about driving too close to the rear of a horse trailer, especially one with a horse leaning against the back door.

Lorree

[sfrider]

Thank you so much for the latest installment. I have two tiny children also and love the description.

[LoriO]

Ok, if you are not a writer in your real life them you should be!!! Your posts are always a hoot.

[maplebrook]

Thank you!
I laughed out loud - it made my day!

[slp2]

That’s what I was thinking RR! Maybe it could be something like: “Chicken Soup for the Trailer Hauling Soul” (ok, maybe that’s a bit overused . . .) “Zen and the Art of the 47-Point Turn”?

Yep, I was one of those “city folk” that always wanted a horse as a kid. As an adult, I got that horse–but found out that owning a horse meant I had to learn to drive a truck and trailer. Keep in mind that no one in my extended family had driven anything remotely related to agricultural equipment (not even a lawn tractor!!) With that genetic framework, you can imagine the learning curve I experienced . . . . .

[Candle]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sarapony:
RR - I am here to tell you that it is entirely possible to be anal without be neat and timely. SaddlefitterVA is a living example of this contradictory creature. The only thing she will ever be on time for is lunch and the only thing that is ever clean is her tack.

Her truck, kitchen and car are disaster areas and I managed to ride 2 horses between her scheduled arrival and actual arrival time this past weekend However, if you want to see her anal retentiveness in action, ask her about designing her farm, saddlefitting, or researching any particular subject. She will spend hours becoming the newest expert in a given field, but considers it a miraculous feat to clean off her kitchen island.

So being anal will not help you on your quest for timeliness or neatness but at least the Ariat vest will make you well dressed for your fashionablly late arrival <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

YES!!! there are others like me! I just explained to my boyfriend last night that the cleaner my barn is, the dirtier my apartment is. After i arrived an hour and a half late for our movie night date. but i did look really cute and i matched my snowpants to my fleece and I do consider myself an anal person. I really am. I just have to have the right motivation.

[Reynard_Ridge]

So the REAL book that needs to get written are the trailering horror stories that we all seem to have!

The very, very first time I ever drove a trailer, the trainer I had come to the x-c schooling with (an hours drive on a major highway, by the way) had an accident and got airlifted to the hospital.

Her boyfriend came running back to the trailer, threw me the keys and said “You can haul them home, can’t you? I’m going to the hospital.”

Um, yeah. Do you say “no?” in a situation like that? All turned out well in the end. She was fine, horses got home and I consquently got some quick trailering lessons for next time.

[Reynard_Ridge]

Ms Marley! You must know my old mare, Sally! Gosh, I miss her! The plan is to retire her back to my farm (assuming the Amish guys can get the barn done between cigarette breaks) when she has jumped her last jump!

I cannot divulge the identity of my trainer. She does not know about the tales of the $700 Pony. As she referred to me as “delusional” in her last email to me (and if you think I am kidding, I AM NOT!), so I fear this thread might be the last straw.

Interestingly, in the past few days I am starting to connect with people who either actually know me or live near me. These tales WILL come to and end, soon, alas, as I will at some point be outted for the tall taler that I am.

[Portia]

Duffy said we had to read the $700 Pony posts, and she was right.

[Reynard_Ridge]

Hoot!!! I LOVE that story!