Only thing to add here is the saddle situation: Lots of trainers get deals or credits by pushing a particular saddle brand. In my dressage “newbie” days I fell for that , spent too much $$ and had several learning moments. Hopefully your MIL will follow thru on the independent saddle fitter…
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Your trainer sounds like a trainer I once knew! She used to sucker in breeders, but she angered so many of them that she’s pretty much unemployed now.
If you can deliever the same synopsis to your mon without any emotion involved, then do that and then give her the space to get to the same conclusion on her own.
It’s tough to break off trainer-client relationship after investing so heavily in the person. There’s a messy emotional component.
Nudge and give space repeatedly. Don’t force.
Like give and release on a horse. 🙂
So a small update on this.
I tried to speak to my MIL about how much this all hurts my feelings. As expected, she dug her heels in and denied the problem. Her main concern is that if they come home no one will give them enough attention and they’ll just rot away in the paddock. So I walked away from it all. Changed the conversation whenever they come up. Any time she asks for my opinion, I tell her to ask the trainer as I’m not getting involved. I still ride her mare and I’m just focused on showing her and the huge progress we’re making and things are much more peaceful.
My FIL came to me last night with the results from the weekend from the stallions and asked whether I’d be happy with the scores that were given. I said no, given that they were in the low 50’s at Training and 1st level but I wasn’t getting involved in this anymore. My husband and I live with them but separately on the property. We use the man cave that’s downstairs as we don’t have a decent internet connection to watch Netflix. So the argument between my FIL and MIL over it all was heard quite clearly that after 2 years he expected much better results and he’s sick of hearing the excuse from the trainer that judges don’t know the breed or the judge is biased.
Whether it changes anything or not, who knows. I feel much better about keeping my distance. But I’m also glad someone else is starting to notice things aren’t quite right without dragging me into the argument.
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A happier update.
The boys are coming home at the end of September.
Part of it is my MIL can’t justify the cost of them being there any longer. The other is the trainer kept going against her wishes. First was a complete change of shows from a recognised event to a schooling show. Trainers excuse was that it was closer to my MIL. But my MIL had stressed she didn’t want them doing schooling shows anymore and the trainer went behind her back and changed it, not telling her until entries were closed and too late to change.
Second was my MIL asked the trainer to stop giving rides on the stallions to random people, who then put it all over Facebook. Trainer ignored it and simply didn’t tag MIL in it. MIL doesn’t check her Facebook unless she’s tagged in things.
I’m out with a broken arm at the moment. I go into surgery on Tuesday to pin and plate it. So the end of September will be when I have my cast off.
I’m relieved this will be the end of it.
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Ouch, I’m sorry to hear about your broken arm, I hope you heal quickly.
It sounds like quite a complicated situation – so I’d be having a think about what kind of relationship I want to have with my in-laws and how the horses fit into that. I guess I’m a bit pessimistic, but from what you have written I suspect there will be another round of drama when the horses come home. So if I were you I’d have a strategy for how to deal with your in-laws if (when) they come to you for advice - advice which they may well not take. I’d also want to be careful not to get caught in the middle between them ….
What has worked for me in situations like this is to ask some thoughtful questions. That way I can be involved while not actually having too much of an opinion on it – if that makes sense? (it took me a while to learn that vanishingly few people actually want MY opinion – they just want to talk about stuff… Honestly I’m entertaining myself that I’m offering unasked for advice, but anyway I digress)
Maybe you can help her figure out what she actually wants to do with these horses – so you could ask questions like -
What are your goals for the horses? What would success look like in 12mths? In 2yrs?
What do you think is the best way to achieve these goals? Training away? Training at home?
What are you looking for in a trainer? How can you assess a trainer’s suitability to produce the results you are after? Which trainers appear to be making consistent progress with their horses?
Not all at once perhaps :lol:
Good luck with whatever happens
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@BrokenArrow , your signature line is “not my circus, not my monkeys!” Never has it been more true than your situation with your in-laws and their horses. 
I agree with the advice you’ve been given to distance, distance, distance. Distance even when they come to you with issues. The family relationship is making that too confused a situation.
Since you are in the house with them, it may be easy for them to come to you with milestones and changes and other things, but use your diversion tactics to avoid the conversation. As relieved as you might be that they are finally acknowledging what you think, realize that this is a complicated emotional game, not a straightforward request for your opinion. They themselves may not realize that is so. If they catch on that you are avoiding their reach-outs about the horses, that’s ok. They will probably remember that those communications haven’t always gone well in the past, and that you are trying to maintain a stable relationship with them. I agree with those who say that the relationship comes first and you need a well-adjusted set of blinders to their horse activities.
They want to be the boss of their own operation and make the decisions for themselves. They just made a big decision, all on their own. Having a daughter-in-law giving a lot of guidance and opinions may make them feel less empowered, rather than better informed. Even if they ask.
While it wasn’t wrong to give the saddle-fitter info to your MIL, it might have been better to more vaguely suggest googling the fitter in the XXX area whose name you can’t think of (even if you can think of it). That way getting the name and using the fitter is entirely her own idea. And she develops her own networks and becomes a stronger and smarter horse person.
So long as the horses are being taken care of, it doesn’t matter what the horses do. The horses don’t care what their dressage score is. Or what shows they go to, or how talented and/or fancy they are. They care about breakfast, lunch and dinner, and having pleasant accommodations and all their needs met. If the horses are being cared for, so long as they don’t belong to you there is no need to get involved, and it’s better for one’s own sanity to stay out of it. Just imo.
Clearly this trainer thought they were more in control than they actually were.
I hope things work out with the boys coming home and you healing up from your broken arm!
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So after a very long year, one major fight that drove a wedge into my relationship with my MIL that toon a long time to fix, the stallions are finally home.
They didn’t come home originally because of some fast talking by the trainer. But a lot of lies were exposed over time and they ended up being pulled out on very short notice.
It was messy and ugly when it all came to head with this person. I’m exhausted and wrung out from it all. I’ll go into the full details of it all in a later post because it’s a bit of a story.
Now to sort through the lies that were told and starting building a relationship with these boys.
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I actually relish throwing a giant hand grenade into trainer/owner relationships if the horse isn’t being treated well, but it sounds like these horses are happy and well cared for. I’d probably let this one go and be grateful the horses are happy. If the MIL is happy being ripped off, then paradoxically she’s not being ripped off. It’s better to have the horses happy and well cared for with a blah trainer than being cranked and spanked up the levels.
Oh whoops! I didn’t read the update before I wrote the above. Glad to hear the horses are home with you though, that sounds like an ideal outcome.
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It is! Despite the lies that were told about how I could never handle such difficult horses, they’re both some of the easiest stallions I’ve handled in a long time, minus the few bad habits they’ve picked up
No doubt I’m going to get heavy criticism from the followers of the trainer, because how dare we bring the horses home and no one else will ever ride them as good as the trainer 
Im a terrible rider and have ruined them if they go badly. Or if they go well, it’ll be all of the former trainers “amazing training” that I’m riding on.
But I adore them both. I’ve had my first rides and am totally in love. Im just going to put on the blinkers and enjoy having such quality horses to ride.
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A great update.
It sounds like you are doing well.
If the horses are easy as you say and getting better every day, continue as you are and think about having lessons now and then. We never stop learning.
If they are staying the same and not progressing start having lessons consistently.
If they are getting worse day by day. Get help immediately.
I think you will probably be in Category 1.
Good luck and enjoy.
