Trainer Favoritism

[ammys_havemorefun]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It’s so difficult to have an environment that has meant so much or a person that has been so important spoiled. I had to leave a fabulous trainer due to barn situation and while it was devastating to leave, I am so glad that I did–definitely a difficult choice, but the right choice.

There are so many blurred lines in the equestrian industry, which can be great but can also be terrible. But, remember that riding is about the horse, and should be something you love! What each person is willing to put up with in search of something they want is different. So do some self reflection and think about what would happen either way–what happens if you stay? What happens if you leave? What are the pros and cons of each?

[S1969]

@TheJenners

Honestly if it’s causing you to have a moral dilemma, then leave. I don’t get that your needs as a client aren’t being met here. You have one time you felt that you had your needs or wants pushed aside and then trainer didn’t agree with you when you brought it, but your need or want may be flavored by your distaste of the relationship and not seen as valid by the trainer.

Agreed.

And, it’s pretty unlikely that you’ll go through life where you don’t have a friend, co-worker, colleague or family member who doesn’t have an affair. You can choose sides, you can choose to unfriend, you can choose to wait it out…etc.

But you can’t control someone else’s life; only your response to it.

I had a good friend who had an affair with another friend’s spouse. It was pretty difficult for our entire circle of friends. I stayed pretty neutral and let it shake out. They are still together and happy. It wasn’t done the way it should have been…but life is messy. We are still friends.

[LilRanger]

@WalnutGroveEq

If I do leave I feel it will also cause a rift between me and my show family who I am really close with and I don’t really want to lose that relationship too.

I pulled this out because I don’t understand it, if you are moving to better yourself, -and if the trainer isn’t training you, how can you get better?- why wouldn’t your “show family” not support that? You say your trainer is gifted, and perhaps they are, but I’d say you’re ready for some new perspectives. One teacher can’t possibly teach you everything you could know about riding and showing.

I’ve been betrayed by a trainer for another client the trainer liked more, it sucks, and I’m my experience, you can either stay and seethe or move and grow. You can leave on good terms and get to hear all about the juicy gossip from afar, too! Tell your “show family” you’re leaving because that’s where your path takes you, not because you now despise trainer. People understand that, at least, adult people do.

Think of this as a chance to spread your wings and gain some knowledge that you didn’t know you didn’t know.

[blue_heron]

OP, as much as it sounds weird to say, you sound jealous. Maybe of the other person in this affair, or maybe just that the attention was taken off of you, but like, emotionally, might have romantic feelings jealous. I’m assuming this trainer is a man? I can’t say I really get where you’re coming from. This is not a feeling I have ever experienced with a trainer, and I’ve had many many people I look up to, some that completely changed my outlook on training and sometimes life.

If I found out my trainer was having an affair, I might give it some serious side-eye as that’s not in my own moral code, and weigh if I could dial our relationship back to purely professional and still feel it was worth what’s in my wallet. If it made me that uncomfortable, I would simply leave. It would certainly not intersect the love I have for my horse and my desire to ride.

[Scribbler]

Here’s another thought experiment.

If your teacher and your friend start having an affair, and you find this really upsetting. Would you honestly feel any different if both parties were single? If you knew the trainer’s spouse genuinely didn’t care for whatever reason? My guess is, no. It would still disrupt the environment for you. So it’s not the “moral” issue so much as the trainer is less available emotionally to you. Trainer may still be fulfilling all the required job tasks but has less extra time. And if any part of that former availability was low key flirting, obviously that’s all gone for the moment. Low key flirting can be so low key it doesn’t even register as sexual.

[WalnutGroveEq]

I have thought about it and I would not have the same feelings if both parties were single. While the trainer student dynamic is still icky to me, I would accept they are free to make their own choices. Its the fact that I know the trainers spouse and family and I feel complicit by omission. That and I feel that I unknowingly have been likely fostering this relationship through logistical circumstances (I am intentionally being vague here, but I have helped the other client out, horse care wise, multiple times in a way that has allowed trainer and client to have more alone time together).

I’m absolutely overly emotionally involved but as from the above I feel used and manipulated by the above client who I thought was trying to be my friend. I’m honestly more mad at the client then I am at trainer, but ultimately I feel that it is trainer who should have been able to keep their professional and private life separate and it absolutely ultimately falls on their unprofessionalism.

[blue_heron]

@WalnutGroveEq

I’m absolutely overly emotionally involved but as from the above I feel used and manipulated by the above client who I thought was trying to be my friend.

This is the part I don’t understand. If this goes against your moral code, it’s okay to not be friends. If she asks why, you might say you don’t think having an affair with your trainer is a good idea and makes you uncomfortable. She may be very offended. Either way, their relationship ultimately has nothing to do with you. You have made it have something to do with you.

[WalnutGroveEq]

Unfortunately I am not made of stone.

I do have an emotional reaction that I am trying to work through. I posted here for advice because I have not been able to work through it on my own. Logic does not always prevail, especially in the horse world.

I have distanced myself from the situation, and the client has not made an attempt to reconnect so clearly they do not miss what I perceived as friendship. Perhaps they did not feel the same way as I did, I have not asked.

[Scribbler]

@WalnutGroveEq

Unfortunately I am not made of stone.

I do have an emotional reaction that I am trying to work through. I posted here for advice because I have not been able to work through it on my own. Logic does not always prevail, especially in the horse world.

I have distanced myself from the situation, and the client has not made an attempt to reconnect so clearly they do not miss what I perceived as friendship. Perhaps they did not feel the same way as I did, I have not asked.

You either have to talk yourself into not being bothered, or go find a new place tl ride. You can’t stay there feeling like you do, because it’s interrupting your enjoyment of a very expensive hobby.

It’s very hard to change feelings once we are embroiled in them. You now feel the trainer is short changing you and is of questionable moral stature, and you feel implicated in covering up the affair. I would assume you also know this is likely going to blow up sooner rather than later leading to big life changes all around.

If you’ve got to the point you don’t even want to be around this situation and these people, and you don’t have a horse tying you down, just move barns. This place will never go back to being the safe family it seemed to be when you were 15. It’s time to move on.

[173north]

@WalnutGroveEq

I have come so far working with them and I believe they are the best for my discipline in my area. I never thought i would be competing at the level I am now and that I would be as successful as I have been able to be in recent years.

I vote you leave, life is too short… but also just wanted to speak to this part of your post. Your riding accomplishments and skills are YOURS, not your trainer’s. They taught you and helped, sure, but it’s your butt in the saddle. What they taught you is with you forever. So you can certainly ride at this level with a different trainer and a new perspective might push your riding further. Never know until you try.

I left a reallllly good trainer because I could no longer afford the program. I’d seen clients leave and never ride as well again in other programs and was worried I’d be one of them. But I’m riding even better now because I took that great foundation and kept working and trying and learning from different people.

[Scribbler]

@173north

@WalnutGroveEq

I have come so far working with them and I believe they are the best for my discipline in my area. I never thought i would be competing at the level I am now and that I would be as successful as I have been able to be in recent years.

I vote you leave, life is too short… but also just wanted to speak to this part of your post. Your riding accomplishments and skills are YOURS, not your trainer’s. They taught you and helped, sure, but it’s your butt in the saddle. What they taught you is with you forever. So you can certainly ride at this level with a different trainer and a new perspective might push your riding further. Never know until you try.

I left a reallllly good trainer because I could no longer afford the program. I’d seen clients leave and never ride as well again in other programs and was worried I’d be one of them. But I’m riding even better now because I took that great foundation and kept working and trying and learning from different people.

This!!!

It’s a sign of being overly dependent on a trainer when you think you can never achieve anything or even keep your current skill level if you leave them. It’s true that some trainers might have better lease or lesson horses. But it’s still you riding them.

If you are so freaked by the affair that you can’t stand to be at the barn or shows, they are not the best for your discipline for you any more. They are the worst. Trail riding for a year in the back woods with no coach at all would be better than a coach you can no longer respect. Move on.

In future as an adult you will hopefully not get so enmeshed in colleagues’ sexual adventures, but this happened in a place where you clearly still react and think of yourself as a child or adolescent, and you can’t help how you feel.

Actually, I honestly don’t think anyone should stay in their childood/teen barn into adulthood. I think everyone benefits from a reset in their late teens or early 20s. You get to move on and restructure your equestrian self as an adult amateur who makes their own decisions rather than a junior very dependent on a program. It can be hard to make that jump, but I think necessary.

[hoopoe]

@Scribbler I think that is a very good insight.

OP read that last paragraph Scribbler wrote

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

I can understand how (regardless of marital status) a trainer dating a client who was always flirting the client would be both annoying and unprofessional. I’ve had teachers (acting teachers) who weren’t involved with students, but who very clearly spent more time on the more attractive women in the class, flirted with them, and gave them lots of extra attention. It’s not a good feeling to be always wondering, “am I really not as good as her, or just not as cute”?

I don’t think this is the OP’s fault. Trainers may have rocky marriages, and that’s the trainer’s business. But if the trainer lets it spill over into the professional area to the point it’s making other people uncomfortable and taking up lots of brain space of non-involved clients, it may be time to move.

From a more practical standpoint, the trainer is not going to change. This is a common theme in many discussions about barns. IMHO many barns do things that are unwise and unethical (but not abusive, that’s another issue entirely). But other than leaving and warning other people away (in an honest and non-dramatic fashion), there is nothing you can do.

[AnastasiaBeaverhousen]

OP
I’m feeling you.
Your riding world has imploded, and you are standing in the ruins wondering why this is happening.

Turn your mind more profitably by thinking of the future.

This chapter is over . A new one has begun .

Improvise, adapt and overcome.

[No1]

There are, without a doubt, going to be other people in your life who don’t really want to be your friend, but really only want you around for what you can do for them. People can be jerks like that. Once you’ve spotted them, cut them loose. It’s not worth letting them take up room in your head.

I agree 100% with Scribbler’s first post. It sounds like you are too invested in the situation. At this point, it looks to be healthiest for you to leave. You need some distance from the situation.

This trainer is not the Messiah. There are other people out there worth learning from and different ways of doing things that you have missed out on, being in the same barn for so long. It’s time to get out there and see the rest of the horse world.

FWIW, I have been in variations of the same situation at multiple barns over the years. Trainer cheats on spouse/SO with student is a story as old as horse showing.

[Warmblood1]

Op, I think you know that you will not be able to easily get over the situation and forget it. It sounds as though your identity if wrapped up in this trainer somehow and they have fulfilled a certain role for you that is beyond just being a trainer. I get that - I’ve had trainers that were more than a trainer, several were parental figures because my parents were lacking in my own situation.

You say this trainer is very good but it sounds as though they have royally sabotaged your riding with this situation. That is a component to this trainer that is not good at all. Sometimes we learn the most we can from someone and it’s time to move on and learn different perspectives and ideas. The fact that you believe this trainer is the reason you are a successful rider tells me you are too enmeshed. I think you should cut your loses and move on.

While I do believe their relationship is not your business, I can certainly understand feeling complicit and the guilt you would feel by knowing their wives and family. But the simple fact is the trainer does not see your point of view and that the trainer’s behavior is very unlikely to change. Salvage your riding and everything you’ve put into your riding by finding a new situation. Great things could come of it and new opportunities will arise. It is a great thing to work with different horse people - I think you become a better and more educated rider. It sounds as though you need to establish some independence and faith in your own riding as it is.

[RHdobes563]

[quote=“candyappy, post:17, topic:778249, full:true”]

@WalnutGroveEq

The worst part is the favoritism is so poorly disguised it’s pathetic.

@WalnutGroveEq

but on the other I feel incredibly bitter that I am the one looking to leave because of something that I had no part in when I have been a client for nearly twice as long as the other party involved

It sounds like you have put this trainer on a pedestal for a long, long time and now you see they are a fellow human being who makes poor choices and has bad judgment. You also sound a bit jealous of the attention your " friend" is getting.

I do not condone someone cheating on their spouse but it really is none of your business personally and should not be affecting your trainer client relationship to such a degree.

To be honest the trainer isn’t what I would call showing favoritism but just fully absorbed in a new relationship like most people are. The difference is that other person was your friend and is maybe now getting the individual attention in lessons more than everyone else is.

I am sure things will calm down after a while. I would ride it out . Or seek counseling to help you get past it.[/quote]
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I find your comment (bolded) above odd, as you started a thread “Know Your Enemy” where you thrust yourself and your beliefs here in everyone’s business. Your response to the OP seems a bit hypocritical compared to what you post from time to time. Does it mean that you won’t confront people you know/meet in person with your Christian beliefs (such as the trainer) but feel comfortable judging us all because you don’t have to face us. I am surewhat COTH readers/posters believe, their religion(s) or lack thereof is really, as you stated, “…none of your business personally…”

For what it’s worth, I have called myself a Christian for 50+ years (with some hard-to-explain lapses) and believe in a loving Father, But, on His admonition, have left HIM to decide who will and who will not make it into Heaven. God knows (pun) that I have enough to work on for myself. Especially trying to LOVE people; it’s really hard sometimes, but ‘you catch more flies with honey’ and all that.

JMO, for what it’s worth. Sorry to all here for the digression.

[Posting_Trot]

You should leave the barn. That decision makes sense not only because you find yourself personally upset by the affair, but also because even consensual affairs have a way of blowing things up. Not only can they blow up the marriages of the two people involved, they can lead to all kinds of other issues along the way.

FWIW, other behaviors can do that as well: spousal abuse, drug abuse, etc. And those are just the morally reprehensible and/or illegal behaviors! There are plenty of reasons why a historically good situation can turn sour.

You can frame your decision to leave as resulting from your recognition that the training program no longer suits your needs. Leave on good terms before things turn so sour that it becomes truly toxic.

[candyappy]

@ammys_havemorefun

Well I think “getting the individual attention in lessons more than everyone else is” is showing favoritism!

I am sure that just about every trainer has their " favorite" students that they probably give extra attention to. They may be less obvious.

If both parties are of adult age why can’t they start a relationship? The problem is that they are already married.
I am not defending the trainer in any way but really we only have 1 side of the story and no proof that any " favoritism" is really happening during lessons.

[candyappy]

@RHdobes563

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I find your comment (bolded) above odd, as you started a thread “Know Your Enemy” where you thrust yourself and your beliefs here in everyone’s business.

Actually I posted articles that reflect my beliefs and that may inform anyone who is interested in reading them. How is this different than any other article or source posted here every day other than it directly contradicts your beliefs.

Nobody was forced to read them, you included.

@RHdobes563

Does it mean that you won’t confront people you know/meet in person with your Christian beliefs (such as the trainer) but feel comfortable judging us all because you don’t have to face us.

I would gladly share the Gospel with the trainer ( if/ when the opportunity arose) and let God do the rest .

We are called to judge other believers and confront them when they profess to all to be a Christian but live a contradictory life . Even then it is someone that you have a friendship/ relationship with and you do it in love to help that person ( hopefully) turn from that action( sin) back to God in repentance.

What that has to do with this thread I have no idea? Sorry OP.