It sounds like the bottom line in your situation is - are you willing to give up horses because your BF does not like you spending time at the barn instead of taking care of him.
That is a very personal question because for some people the answer is obvious one way and for others it is obvious the other way.
It is hard to give up a three year relationship, but is it worth having a relationship that requires you to cook a home cooked meal every night?
No no.
He does not WANT to understand, because it doesn’t fit with his vision of you standing over the stove every night.
That’s really pretty NUTS if you ask me.
His NEED for you, every.single.day., is not healthy for you. Probably not healthy for him either, but I don’t care because he’s behaving like a needy man-child.
Go be you. Your significant other is supposed to bring you up, is supposed to compliment and enrich your life.
Is he?
Is he really?
Um that’s going to be a bigger issue, not a “not an option.” If he can’t join you in the yoke and pull his share, that IS going to implode. It already almost ended the relationship? That’s a clue.
It definitely sounds like you are stretched thin and juggling a lot but until the BF situation became clear it also sounded like it could be manageable with long hours. The BF situation sounds like the real kink that needs to be sorted before the others.
My husband does not get horses, he has zero interest in horses, but he is supportive of my disappearing off to the barn in the early hours of the morning or missing dinners in the evening in order to fit in ride time – and we have a toddler so that requires him being on solo-parent duty and juggling morning / evening routines himself.
I wish I had helpful advice on how to juggle it all, but unfortunately am in a similar stage of life and similarly feeling the pinch of not enough time, money, or energy to get everything done. My mentality is to stubbornly keep throwing myself again the wall that feels like life until I either break through and it gets easier or give up and sell the horse…but not sure what that point looks like yet.
100% same and I thank my lucky stars daily.
This issue is more about this and less about not having enough time. You have two choices, bf and little riding, no bf and lots of riding. Bf kind of sounds like he would not be supportive in anything though. JMO
Please tell me the bar is not this low.
My husband is also this way. He doesn’t have hobbies beyond watching sports. But he doesn’t begrudge my horse habit. I know this whole conversation must be super heavy for you, and we’re all outsiders looking in, but I don’t like the sound of his expectations of you.
In your situation, something has got to give. But I sure as shit wouldn’t let my SO make that decision for me. I don’t think you should, either.
My ex husband was also like this. He actually told me he was jealous I had something to be passionate about and he wished he had that. Sorry I have interests?? It got old real quick. There is nothing more soul sucking than the person you love most holding you back, not believing in your interests and dreams and being a negative aura polluting your life.
What is YOUR priority? Who are you prioritizing - self, or SO? Who is he prioritizing? Where is the compromise?
I don’t see anywhere else that can “give” in your life, unless you just quit horses altogether and make a hobby out of cooking and cleaning. If you have more than one horse, you could sell the other(s), but are you going to be willing to prioritize ride time even for just one? Is he going to throw a tantrum if you aren’t home until 8pm a few nights a week? What if you were going to the gym or working a PT job instead of riding, would he still be upset?
SO aside, if you have multiple horses I would sell all but one. Then I would use the extra $$ to hire a weekly cleaning service. Then I would schedule myself to go ride directly after work at least 3 days a week (even just weekend days + 1 weekday would be better than none).
It’s true this is a bit “heavy”, but the opinion of ladies who have more knowledge and life experience than me isn’t something to scoff at.
The SO situation is a tough one. He wanted to work away from home , out on the road. And it was me who put my foot down and said no - you will be home at night. Being on my own with everything and him just dropping by for a few days then leaving again isn’t a lifestyle I’m interested in. And the whole lifestyle that comes with dating someone “on the road” is just not something I appreciate.
But since I made that hard ultimatum…. He expects to not come home and be alone either. Which is fair I think ? I did demand he be there. So he expects the same.
I would like to just be independently wealthy and be left alone to play with my ponies haha!
That is the truest statement ever. Been there done that. You don’t realize how much it wears on you until you are free from it. People tried to tell me, but when you are in it, you can’t see it. Not sure if this shoe fits you.
Back to time saving - good ideas already given. As for bringing them home: it doesn’t mean you will have more time to ride. ask me how I know. 
There’s a difference between being on the road for days and not being home for dinner at x time in my opinion. If your work schedule was different, say get home at 9pm, what would happen then? Can dinner be later in the evening? It seems there could be some flexibility, maybe a couple nights a week?
The comparison between him not being home at all at night, and you coming home a little late… not comparable, really.
I really think you’re in a tough spot here. It’s the SO or the horses. Or he learns to be an adult and realize you’ll be home late a few nights a week and he will have to gasp push the buttons on the microwave himself.
This provides more clarity, and with the below I don’t mean to judge from the outside but instead to challenge your line of thinking to see where there may be flex that gives you the necessary breathing room.
There seems to be a diffrence in my mind between someone who is living life “on the road” and is truly absent all day for several days with all communication conducted via technology. Vs someone who is gone after work 5pm - 8pm, missing dinner, but then home until bed time to commune and share the burden of life responsibilities and connect face-to-face.
I lived the 4 days a week travel life for a long time - so I know both of those worlds. I will say that me disappearing after work until 8-9 pm to fit in ride time is WORLD’s different from when I was living in hotels Mon - Thurs.
However, I recognize that it depends on what “being there” actually entails in the evenings for you two. If right now it involves both of you pitching into house work / chores / dog care type responsibilities and if you were to go off riding that leaves him picking up that slack…I can see why he’d expect you there. If instead it’s a time-intensive full cooked meal and sitting down together every night then watching TV / spending quality time…that feels like a big ask for 7 days a week and is there a compromise of scaling that back to 4-5 days a week?
You don’t have to have the two extremes, he’s OTR or you’re in the kitchen. Does he resent you for the change (that he fully decided to do)? How did he go from liking being OTR to not wanting to be alone ever? Did he say out loud that since he changed jobs you need to come straight home from work every day and cook dinner? Did he say it out loud before he changed jobs or after? Did you promise that? (even if you did, amend it asap lol) Just b/c you guys worked out this job change and things have slid into this dinner every night RUT doesn’t mean you can’t say wait a minute, turns out this isn’t working out ideally for me and I need to change things up. If you keep going down this path you’re going to find yourself with no horses, no identity, and probably not super happy. If you look down this path a year, five years, ten… do you like what you see? If you want ultimately to be in a long term with BF as the highest priority you’re going to have to revamp your horse life, cut numbers, pasture board, sell and … I’d say take lessons but you have dinner to cook. If you look down the road and don’t really like where you’re heading you can adjust the plan and for the love of Charlie please do! Don’t be a young person that dies a little bit at a time just to keep a man around. You can’t see around corners but you can check a map. You didn’t sign your life away just b/c you got this far along. Gads you have the rest of your life to cook and take care of a house. Horses will slip out of your hands if you let them and you’ll be left with some good recipes and dirty dishes and most likely, resentment and frustration. Sometimes it’s the right decision to get out of horses but I can’t say you’re in that situation based on what you’ve said here. Being home to cook dinner every night doesn’t let you do anything else, let alone horses. Would you be long term relieved and happy if someone perfect swooped in and bought your horses this weekend? Or would it be a temporary relief from the stress of trying to do it all and when spring rolls around you’ll be all tangled up b/c there’s no horses to brush out? As a truly middle aged horse person with a 22 year old daughter that I end up life coaching occasionally, I offer up these thoughts to sort out. Maybe a therapist or unbiased somesuch could help you put this puzzle together? Your boy needs full board, not your horses! IMO humble opinion…
ETA I just thought about what I said about the therapist or someone that you could talk to about this and I realized it could have come across snarky when I really did not intend it to at all. It seems like this thread may have gone a direction you didn’t anticipate and you’re getting a whole lotta input from people that aren’t in your shoes, including me. It really might help to sit down with someone and sort out your thoughts, in your life, with your BF maybe, and see if there is room to make an adjustment so that you don’t get totally burned out on either end and feel forced to make a hasty decision (on either end) . I really hope the best for you and I think you’ll figure it out!
Okay the boyfriend thing to me sounds like a problem here but I have nothing to add as others have addressed it.
Here’s what I have to say as someone who also v. recently turned 30:
I don’t really consider it “middle aged” that’s like, late 30s to 40s.
I haven’t had horses in my life since my early 20s, just how circumstances shook out. I rode at a dumpy backyard barn until I was about 21-22 and then took lessons from an ammie woman who worked full-time as an engineer when I was about 22-23, she had her own barn, etc. and it was a pretty low-key environment.
I’m not a homeowner, still live with my mom b/c I did freelance work right out of college (graduated a little later than “normal” at age 24 and spent a few years freelancing and continued freelancing while trying to break into my current career) and my current job doesn’t pay amazingly well so I’ve saved as much as humanly possible. I drive a beater of a car, mid-90s Honda and I’m in the process of trying to get myself something better but car market is crazy right now. I’m a newspaper reporter, so not in a labor/blue collar job but we don’t exactly get paid well, either.
I would say if you don’t have time, you’re exhausted, etc. you need to re-evaluate a lot of things in your life. Chief being:
Can you afford, both financially and time-wise, horses? Or is that money and time better spent elsewhere right now? It doesn’t have to be forever if you do drop horses but it sounds like you just plain need to catch your breath and take a good hard look at your life.
You can’t change your work hours - can you look into changing your job? Your SO - if he’s not supportive and isn’t pulling his weight I’d say he needs to go and you need to raise your standards.
This just feels excessively complain-y, that’s the case in a lot of areas right now. If I owned a horse, I would expect to do a fair amount of the care because that’s part of it. If you don’t have time and can’t afford/don’t have access to full-care, then you probably need to really evaluate if this is something you want to continue with at this point in your life. You can’t control if it’s “hurting local barns.”
As a gamer - that can absolutely be a hobby, though it shouldn’t be your sole hobby. Not defending him at all otherwise, as others are saying go be you. You’re different people. If he begrudges you your hobby then that’s it, I’d say.
Honestly even if you ditch the man (which, it sounds like from what you’re telling us, you absolutely should do) you might still need to figure out just how much you can afford horses and what sacrifices you need to make to do so and that’s up to you.
EDIT: Again - if you give up the horses it doesn’t have to be forever. I don’t know, I feel like yes I’ve always been passionate about horses but I also feel like I’ve seen so many horse people where that is Their Entire Being and they’re just…not well-rounded outside of that and I feel like if that works for them, great, but I never wanted to be one of those types. I’ve found other interests past horses now that I’m barely involved in them. I still plan, some distant day when I have time, money, etc. to get back to it but I’ve got other stuff I’m working on for now. The horses will be there when I can afford it. If I’m old and a weenie who doesn’t want to jump anymore by then, well, so be it, not like I was ever Olympics material anyway. 
This.
Reading her description of her BF I’m like, “nope, he’s a manbaby, get rid of him.”
I am single but my dad was one of those manbabies once upon a time (and to top it off he had a drinking problem. Now - I wasn’t around him much during that phase of his life as my mom wised up and left him when she realized I was on the way) and I’ve heard the stories. And my dad wasn’t much less of a manbaby the last I had to interact with him either. There’s a reason I’ve had no contact with him, save his showing up to my HS graduation uninvited, since I was 16.
These are 2 things your boyfriend can help with a couple night a week if you are cooking for both of you every night and would free up your workload a bit.
Cleaning 2 stalls doesn’t usually take too much time. Can you alternate the riding of the 2 horses and do 1 every other day and maybe have Sunday off to clean house, yard work , make meals for the week( freeze them) and have time between doing your barn chores and feeding to spend some significant time with your boyfriend?
I am married with horses and farm animals at home. I don’t work off farm but my husband does. We do eat together every night but between the things needing doing farm wise there isn’t any real " time " together during his work week.
He also cooks on Sunday and while he doesn’t clean for me he has in the past( does it was better than I do !!).
Also, are there any other adults who are reliable who might need some extra cash? They could clean stalls a few weekdays? As a young, single adult boarder I sure would have( and did).
If you have horses at multiple barns definitely get them together. That to me is a recipe for failure if doing self care.
This reminded me.
So I was an online student for my bachelor’s degree and I had some classmates who I didn’t get along with and who v. much sucked up to the professor and were kinda smug and rude generally. One being a woman who claimed she was 40 and had a couple of sons who’d have been close to my age (early 20s) at the time. She was particularly obnoxious, generally. She seriously was joking about how she learned to type on a typewriter (like, oooh so special whaddaya want a cookie?)
I didn’t hide at all that I was horsey and this woman once responded to me on some discussion board topic about how nice it was I’d found my passion at such a young age.
By my math she’d have already popped out at least one kid by the time she was my age, if not both her kids. And she always came off as oh-so judgmental. Like, lady, ain’t my fault you chose the path of being a baby factory who homeschooled your kids and was devoted to your hubby. 
With the chores (around the house but can be modified probably to suit a barn) - I don’t know if this would help but I have an app on my phone called Tody that keeps track of what chores need to be done when b/c I’m a doofus who sometimes doesn’t notice until something is getting noticeably dirty that oh, hey, I need to do this. You might look into that? The basic version is free. (It still doesn’t always work as some days my schedule ends up such that it just does not get done but it reminds me that hey, doofus, you need to clean this thing sometime soon.)
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