Working-adulting-horse care - how are you finding time?

[luvmyhackney]

If you were my daughter I would tell you to cut back to one horse, either lease the other two or sell. That will save you time and money. Take the extra funds and save up for your own truck to haul with. Don’t be dependent on a man ever.

Then set some healthy boundary’s with your BF and yourself.

A. Pick what days you will ride after work, 4-5 days is fine. Add them to a shared calendar and share with BF. You define your schedule not him.

B. BF should pick up his share of cleaning and nights to make dinner, his dinner nights should align to when you will be riding. If he can figure out a game system, he can work a dishwasher, oven, washer and dryer.

C. Go see a therapist and be prepared if he decides to walk after you make healthy boundary’s. And if he does, he wasn’t supportive or want the best for you and you deserve someone that wants you to be fulfilled and happy.

[Rackonteur]

@Blueeyedroan

Changing my SO’s motivation level or understanding my deep passion for the sport - also not an option. That’s another rant for another day , smh.
I could live on some microwave meals and go ride after work but that would be the end of my relationship… it already almost was once (3 years and counting in this one).

There’s your downsizing starting point. Get rid of the SO. He’s not paying on the house, he’s not paying your bills, what exactly IS he contributing to the relationship?
Stress. He’s contributing stress to your life.
Dump him. Before you get pregnant.

[Larksmom]

wow, I don’t really have any advice, but as a single home and former horse owner, I always ASSUMED I would end up with someone. I didn’t. I see so many on here talking about their EX. If you are doing all the compromising, there is something really wrong. If you are really in love with him, look at that very carefully. Is he feeling the same for you? Being alone sometimes really sucks, but from what I hear, itis infinately better than being with the wrong person.

[candyappy]

@Blueeyedroan

Changing my SO’s motivation level or understanding my deep passion for the sport - also not an option. That’s another rant for another day , smh.
I could live on some microwave meals and go ride after work but that would be the end of my relationship… it already almost was once (3 years and counting in this one).

Sorry but this doesn’t sound like a man who anyone would want to spend the rest of their life with? As long as you accommodate him and his needs/ wishes all is good. Step out of line and actually do something you want and you will suffer, greatly.

Relationships are hard enough when we work together at it and do our best to make sure the other is happy.

[Blueeyedroan]

The horses are together, one barn is my winter barn (closer to home but no trail access) and the other is my summer barn - more work and longer drive but worth it during summer months when the road conditions aren’t .

And don’t worry I don’t NEED the bfs truck, I have my own trucks that could pull a trailer if they absolutely had to. And local haulers I use as well because sometimes it’s just easier.

I need to do some brain and soul searching. Try to decide what’s fair , and what’s not.

As for getting pregnant …… I haven’t behaved a day in my life yet and I’ve never gotten pregnant yet. There’s ways to prevent that and I employ ALL OF THEM with militant accuracy.

[anon15718925]

@Blueeyedroan

As for getting pregnant …… I haven’t behaved a day in my life yet and I’ve never gotten pregnant yet. There’s ways to prevent that and I employ ALL OF THEM with militant accuracy.

So - I think with this, where I’ve seen other posters bring this up, it’s not even so much concern for you and whether you’re doing enough to avoid potentially getting pregnant, but, on the off chance all measures employed failed and you opted to keep the kid (I don’t judge either way), you’d basically be connected (whether you stay w/him or not) to your current BF for at least the next 18-ish years b/c generally it’s expected that even when divorced, dad gets to see the kid sometimes. And the concern/question comes from a place of “is this the kind of guy you want to be the father of your child should all this fail.” (and I say this not in a sexist, “I expect every woman to want and have children” sense. I’d say this to a man, too.) I think that’s more how it reads to me (flamesuit zipped if anyone calls me sexist - I’m fully pro-choice and have zero interest in having children of my own anytime soon, if ever)

[Blueeyedroan]

I wouldn’t keep it. Not with him, not with anyone else. Don’t want kids , never have.
Thus why I employ all methods and then some. SUPER dread that situation!
Been asking to have my tubes tied for years , doctors aren’t too helpful.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

Regarding how long it takes to do chores…I’m willing to bet it’s not so much the chores themselves, but the commute, navigating any daily small unexpected things that come up, plus weather-related issues.

Even time-wise, you’re in a situation where an extra half hour of traffic could break the whole system down.

I can’t imagine the pressure to make a home-cooked meal every night! I don’t make one for myself!

I don’t have any great solutions, but it sounds like you’re in an area and in a relationship that makes the average ammie lifestyle even harder than average. Full board and an understanding SO is so critical.

So it’s not your fault!

[lenapesadie]

I keep my horses at home, work full time, garden, play with seasonal decor in my house, do a boat load of yard / farm chores, browse COTH, have an active social life, spend plenty of time with Mr LS and ride as much as I can muster the motivation for. While I’m busy, time isn’t usually what’s stopping me from riding though of course I have scheduling conflicts and riding isn’t always my top priority.

Seems to me the you either make a change or keep things the same as they are now.

Would keeping the horses at the closer winter barn year round free up enough commute time to make a difference? Maybe not since you are posting mid winter. Scaling back to one horse? This is very reasonable. I have two but one is a retiree and I wfh and horse at home. Field board so no mucking? Charge the boyfriend a rent so you can afford full care board?

[173north]

@OnAMission

As someone that would love to be 30 again I’d sure not like to spend that youth on cooking and cleaning and working on a relationship!

I’m 31 and just left a 5 yr relationship. My boyfriend told me he was supportive of me and the horses and very rarely actually complained about barn time or expenses, but my day-to-day reality was that I was working full-time, keeping two sale horses going, and taking care of the house and yard with no help. (I didn’t cook, at least.) He didn’t understand why I was always exhausted, and he didn’t step up and help me when I asked.

When we got together I had fewer work responsibilities, no barn responsibilities, we had a teeny 1bd apartment instead of a house, no pets, no yard, and I was excited to nest and make a home so I took everything on without realizing what I was doing. Then about a year ago I realized I was drowning in housework and life admin, and I’d let my partne" get totally used to not contributing.

Horses or no horses, I’d rather be alone than with someone who won’t or can’t do their fair share. OP’s situation doesn’t sound quite as dire as mine was - my BF definitely wouldn’t help me haul horses! - so maybe it’s time for some serious chats that are not about hobbies or time management but about equally sharing household expenses and responsibilities.

[Blueeyedroan]

The BF does pay rent , as do my 2 other tenants. 3 bedroom 1 bathroom house - 4 people. WOOHOO!! Haha.
It’s not affording full care that’s an issue, it’s that no one is offering it.

[Blueeyedroan]

YES!!! That’s EXACTLY it , thank you ! It’s the time. It’s having absolute zero wiggle room for variables of any kind. Always under the gun.

[Rackonteur]

@Blueeyedroan

I haven’t behaved a day in my life yet and I’ve never gotten pregnant yet.

Oh, gosh, this echoes the posts on the Pit Bull threads. "My pit bull/bully mix has never shown one single sign of wanting to attack me or my kids or my horses. "
Then, out of the blue one day …

What kind of dad will this guy be when he can’t be much of an SO?
I still don’t get what he brings to the relationship. Why do you keep him around? Not being snarky, seriously wondering.

[OnAMission]

WTH Rackonteur. Your editor is napping again. OP I would not feel obligated to answer that

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

I don’t think the OP wants kids. But it seems reasonable to me (childless, without a SO) that at least three nights a week he can get takeout and the OP can microwave a meal when she gets home, and they can have a nice dinner or two together on the weekends.

Even many couples without horses just do takeout or a microwaved TV dinner or some leftover chicken from the night before with veggies. Or, heck, sandwiches and canned soup.

I know there are some men who feel as if life isn’t complete without a big dinner to come home to every night, and they are exhausting. (Even if they cook, when your whole life is focused on coming home to The Horses and his to The Meal, that can cause friction)

[Blueeyedroan]

My Pit Bull isn’t aggressive , thank you.
But my GSD definitely is. He’s exactly what he’s bred to be.
It’s funny watching people beak off about the pittie while assuming the Shepherd is “being friendly” when he’s 100% not, but they don’t know enough about body language to tell the difference.
Drives me insane. Learn to READ ANIMALS.

It’s not “luck” that has kept me from getting pregnant. I don’t have “oops that was close” moments. Oh HELL no. NO risks. NO just this once.

Thank you for assuming I’m stupid though. I appreciate it.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

Is there any way to consolidate the horses at one barn? That would buy you some time in the morning? Ideally at the closest barn to work/home, of course.

Would any of the other boarders enter into an arrangement with you? Even if they’re largely middle-aged and have disposable income, if you could do the stalls of one boarder one day, and she could do yours and hers the next, that might buy her some extra time, as well as you. Similarly, hash out (no pun intended) a realistic meal plan with the boyfriend. Like, takeout Tuesday tacos, but the two of you cook together on Sunday?

Even the one bathroom situation with four people is a time crunch.

I think it boils down to the fact that you’re in an unfortunate spiral of commitments that can be a time suck, including multiple commutes, an old house, old vehicles, pets and so forth. And the only “solution” is hyper-planning and organizing, ideally with other reliable people, to buy you time. It’s a stressful solution, though, which is why people are suggesting getting rid of one of the horses, having only one barn, and being more firm with the relationship stuff like homecooked meals that are more for the guy than for you. If that makes sense.

[anon15718925]

Gotcha - I was more trying to explain why I think others might’ve brought it up.

[anon15718925]

@Impractical_Horsewoman

Is there any way to consolidate the horses at one barn? That would buy you some time in the morning? Ideally at the closest barn to work/home, of course.

Correct me if I’m wrong, OP but I think the original poster has explained that basically, they keep both horses at the same barn but switch barns seasonally during the summer and winter b/c one barn has trail access but is further away and the other barn doesn’t have trail access but is closer and given we’re in January and OP is in Canada I’m assuming the horses are currently at the winter barn.

Maybe while OP catches her breath though she could keep them at winter barn year-round but if the trail access means that much it’s totally understandable that if they can move them, they would.

[anon15718925]

@Blueeyedroan

It’s not affording full care that’s an issue, it’s that no one is offering it.

So this might be a bit of a compromise situation - if you can’t get full care and absolutely want to/have to/insist upon and can afford to keep both horses, would it maybe be possible to lease or half-lease one out to someone on condition that they do XYZ part of the horse’s care? (Heck I wouldn’t turn my nose up at a situation like that if one somehow presented itself, it’s just the leases I see around here are usually horses boarded like, waaaaaaay too far away for it to be feasible for my life at this point.)