Working-adulting-horse care - how are you finding time?

[anon15718925]

@Impractical_Horsewoman

Even many couples without horses just do takeout or a microwaved TV dinner or some leftover chicken from the night before with veggies. Or, heck, sandwiches and canned soup.

I know there are some men who feel as if life isn’t complete without a big dinner to come home to every night, and they are exhausting. (Even if they cook, when your whole life is focused on coming home to The Horses and his to The Meal, that can cause friction)

Okay the bit about the men - the heck?

I mean, were they raised w/the expectation that it’s still the '50s? The heck? (EDIT: I’m not that surprised but like, seriously, what idiots are raising this idiots? Can we as a society move past this?)

But for the cooking thing to try to help OP make that smoother - would homemade soup that is frozen and that BF can set out to thaw be a compromise? E.g. I have a butternut squash soup recipe that is made w/coconut milk that freezes really well and can be done stovetop, instantpot/pressure cooker or slow cooker. I also know chicken noodle soup can be frozen before you add the noodles in and then just keep noodles on hand and you can pull the soup out of the freezer and heat and add noodles.

You still get homemade food but you’re not making it from scratch daily and nor are you (necessarily) simply eating leftovers. I like leftovers but I can understand getting tired of them if you make a huge batch and you’re to like, day 3 of the same thing (esp. noodley foods that you can’t really do anything different with.)

[anon15718925]

Okay - one, was OP even ON the “pit bull thread?” who even keeps TABS as to who is on what thread, jeez, chill? Two, I read it as OP making a joke since OP clarified further and it looks like you’re the only one who took that entirely literally.

I don’t get keeping the guy around either but we also don’t know the full situation and sometimes when someone is venting on the internet they unintentionally make the situation sound more dire than it actually is (like I guarantee you if I ever went on a good rant about my job after a day where I wasn’t too stoked about it, I could probably absolutely get a buttload of folks on any internet forum I chose to frequent advising me to quit. I haven’t yet (I probably will eventually and am laying groundwork for backup plans) but if I vented and didn’t choose my words 100% carefully, which, let’s be real, folks don’t always choose words perfectly in the heat of the moment, I could absolutely see people reading a vent of mine, for example, and going, “you need to get out, pronto”). We don’t know the full situation and if you can’t offer helpful thoughts along with the snark and the judgement, maybe consider exiting this thread stage left.

[LilRanger]

Op, I was in a similar situation as you about the same time in my life. (I still have the old truck)
I just wanted to let you know that you can change your agreement with SO. I had an ex who finally broke down and told me I couldn’t have horses anymore since I was obviously having sex with them I was away so much. Yeah, really. It ended that night.

Don’t worry about him having a place to land, he’ll be fine, and so will you if you cut him lose.

I realize I have a very strong opinion and I’m not in your shoes, but you have my support.

[GraceLikeRain]

The ditch your man refrain is very COTH. I am not going to tell a stranger what to do with their relationship. What I will do is offer a story.

Three year relationship. He was supportive of the horses because it was a stage of life where I had a fair amount of time. As life progressed I got more hints of wanting to see horses become less of a focus. There were slowly more expectations of fulfilling the domestic elements of a relationship as the primary person rather than in partnership. He gamed and worked out extensively but had a lot more down time. I didn’t worry honestly because he was obsessed with me. He was until “out of the blue” he walked away. I was a shell of a person for almost a year. It really wrecked me.

Fast forward and I met my husband. He had solid hobbies that were quite time consuming. He also thought gendered household expectations were dumb. He did his laundry and fed himself before me, why would he suddenly be unable to complete those tasks. Eight years later and he’s an amazing life partner. We do date night on Fridays and typically spend a solid half day together if not a full day on the weekend. Sometimes he’s hauling me somewhere. Other times I’m helping with his hobby. Monday - Thursday we spend maybe 30 minutes together before bed. That time is really high quality though and filled with meaningful conversation. We both realized it’s quality over quantity. Thirty minutes discussing how a conversation with a coworker sparked a thought about a business idea is far more fulfilling than three hours of sitting on the same couch staring at the tv.

I did not walk away from an unsupportive relationship. I loved him deeply. Ultimately, it was unfulfilling for him and as a result I found my person. I hope that you two can find a healthy middle ground or are willing to let each other find their person.

[pick_a_pony]

As far as the meals go. Is there some sort of really good ready made weekly meal delivery service in Canada? By far the best I have had so far is Factor. High quality and not frozen so 2 minutes in the microwave to be ready. Not sure if there is a Canadian equivalent?

I am just a few years older than you and I would not be ok with your situation. Something has to give before you have a mental breakdown or quit on what has been your happy. If you aren’t feeling exhausted by all the running around you are doing then ride your horses! No one else should keep you from doing that if you want to. That includes aging parents… You say moving isn’t an option but is it really not? You have a responsibility to your future self to be able to find a balance in life. I think parental care is admirable but I do not think giving up your life progression is a good trade. I am married and yes you have to make quality time for each other but if he doesn’t have hobbies to take up the time after work and before you get home that is not your problem. I will say that your daily hobby time should probably not be more than your available time for your significant other. If that is doable then there shouldn’t be any fuss from your SO. Make some choices about how you want your life to go and relay those changes that are going to happen to those in your life.

[anon15718925]

@LilRanger

I had an ex who finally broke down and told me I couldn’t have horses anymore since I was obviously having sex with them I was away so much. Yeah, really.

IDK if gifs work and I couldn’t find a different one I was thinking of but this shall suffice.

[MsM]

It occurs to me that after the OP does her deep thinking, she needs to have an adult conversation with the BF. By then she has some parameters of what she needs regarding the horses and what she is willing to do regarding The Meal (many good suggestions in the thread) and the relationship. The goal is to find a compromise you can both live with.

If he is unwilling to compromise and you two are unable to find a solution that both can live with, then, sadly, you have a choice to make.

[blue_heron]

In no order of priority:

1. Get down to one horse, with whom you really focus on building a relationship and the training.
2. Look for a job that suits your needs better: more flexible hours, salaried if that’s affecting you, closer to your home, etc.
3. Consider if your relationship with your partner is improving your life or only keeping you stagnant or building resentment.

In my young-er and stupid-er days I really struggled with prioritizing the people in my life: I didn’t understand how close I should hold some people, or who it was appropriate to say no to, or who I should drop everything to do a favor for. I would give my boss the same emotional energy as a family member or a close friend. A therapist who I saw for anxiety and depression gave me a really helpful tool. When I couldn’t figure out if someone was worth the emotional energy I was putting in, I had to determine if my ranking of how close we were and how much I did for them matched what they did for me in return. We made it five so it was really easy. A person with a 5 ranking is really dear to you. A person who is a 1 might be an acquaintance or a co-worker. Then come up with the same number of recent or regular things that person does for you. Gifts don’t count; no one should be buying your love and you are not a charity case. A huge favor someone did for you ten years ago that they still wave over your head doesn’t count.

My partner, who I consider a five, might look like this:

1. Lets me express my work frustrations without getting defensive or acting like I’m asking him to fix it.
2. Asks if I would like something if he goes to a coffee or sandwich shop knowing we will see each other soon.
3. Shows up to dinner with my friends and their partners once or twice a month.
4. Accompanies me to and entertains himself at horse shows.
5. Returns my library books weekly.
   Bonus no. 6, which for me is a requirement, is fulfilling my needs for intimacy and vulnerability.

A barn friend, who might be a 3 or maybe a 4 now:

1. Checks my horse’s water and hay before she leaves the barn (I do the same for her).
2. Texts me to let me know when she plans to ride on weekends so we can ride together.
3. Lets me borrow and trial her tack/equipment.

A co-worker, who I am friendly but not friends with:

1. Offers to pick up my lunch for me if we order from the same place.

If these people aren’t matching your energy, you can either bring it up to them, dial down your emotional involvement, or they’ve got to go. There ARE people who will treat you better. I can’t make judgements on your relationship, but it sounds like you are building resentment, not a partnership. What common goal are you working toward? My partner and I really value that outside frustrations or anxieties are left at the door in our home and in our relationship. You make sacrifices toward a happy relationship (he stays home when you ask him to, you spend less time with your horses), but you have to decide if these sacrifices are equal, or if it’s even a sacrifice you are willing to make. Further, does the list of things he does for you make it worth it?

[ClassyJumper]

I am not sure the boyfriend is really the problem here. Not to sound like a jerk but I just don’t think a customer service job is going to sustain having horses for very much longer. Costs are going up every year and it’s not going to magically get more affordable (ever). I think you need to make some serious sacrifices now to make sure you have the means to have horses into the future. Job market is insanely good for employees right now. Figure out what you need to do to find sustainable career and do it now.

[Blueeyedroan]

I’m making as much as I possibly can for someone with zero education.
$25/hr + a small commission. Guaranteed 40 hours a week. Job isn’t ruining my mind or body like all the labour jobs were. I’m pretty content with it.

[Zevida]

I read this book recently called Happier Hour which is all about how we don’t need more time we need to better prioritize the time we have. I highly recommend it for someone in your shoes who is feeling like you don’t have time.

Happier Hour: How to Beat Distraction, Expand Your Time, and Focus on What Matters Most https://a.co/d/0N6DJWw

The book includes activities around time tracking to help you identify how you are spending your time, what is making you happy, and what is draining you.

It also seems like you should be able to find someone to hire to do the barn chores at least a few days a week. They may not be teenage kids so it may be more expensive but it seems unlikely you couldn’t find anyone.

[Blueeyedroan]

You wouldn’t think it would be that difficult. A few years ago it wasn’t as bad as bad, now the only other boarders that are left are either in a financial position that they have zero motivation to pick up barn chores, or retired with zero motivation to change their schedule. Can’t blame them!

I have done leases in the past with my horses and I never will again. I wear and tear on my high end tack, horse needing retraining constantly, people backing out with no notice…… just no. I know a few people have mentioned it but I’ve been there and done that. Just not worth it to me, eventually just adds up to more cost , work , and drama.

[Blueeyedroan]

My SO is not as bad as he’s been made out to be. Yeah he struggles to understand the time commitment but he’s also really helped me out.

Earlier in our relationship I was having some financial tightness, going through a job change and the associated uncertainty and stress. Had 2 project mares at the time that were not ready to sell.
One day the BO comes up to me - looking rather shocked. Says “don’t worry about your board this month … or anytime soon”. I’m like uhh…. Say what ???
“Your boyfriend just dropped of $5,000 for board, you’re covered for the rest of the summer”.
And she wasn’t lying, he did.

He’s gone and loaded sales horses on commercial haulers to go to their new homes while I was at work.
He’s handled farrier appointments, while I’m at work.

Don’t get me wrong , he can be a dink. But he’s also been pretty incredible about my horses in many ways, especially coming from having ZERO experience or background with them.

[Zevida]

I wasn’t thinking other boarders but anyone with horse/animal experience who needs some extra cash. My pet sitter mostly does dogs and cats but also offers horse services. Vet techs often are looking to pick up extra cash. Put an ad on Facebook looking for someone. You may be surprised.

[OnAMission]

I’m glad you said this; the more I thought about this as I go about my little life (and I have) the more I think you guys could come to a happy medium that might things easier on you. Long relationships are always about constant renegotiating, tweaking… I think you could talk to him with or without formal support and try to work it out. You sound like a do’er and you have gotten this far with him for a reason, talk it through and hopefully find some common ground! Things slide into ruts sometimes and people start thinking they know what the other is thinking or willing to do and I suspect you have middle ground that you could work with. Best of luck for sure!

[trubandloki]

Good post @OnAMission. I agree.

It kind of sounds like the horse breaking point here is that you now have to do all your own care. Which I know, can be a real time eater.

Are there any boarding set-ups that you can make your care needs less of a time eater? Like pasture with shelter and a big bale in a feeder.
(Probably not, but figured it would be worth asking.)

[luvmyhackney]

But as you gain experience in customer support, you could be learning and growing. Then transition into other roles.

Many jobs/employers value experience over college degrees. Not saying they don’t value college education but you are educated in real life experiences which is valuable.

[Jealoushe]

Pays your board but doesn’t support your horse habit? Just curious, does he ever hold these things over your head?

That’s twice you’ve mentioned he’s a good guys because of material reasons. I’m curious what he does for you as a woman to support your hopes and dreams and in the daily life.

[trubandloki]

@Jealoushe

I’m curious what he does for you as a woman to support your hopes and dreams and in the daily life.

Isn’t paying her board when she is struggling financially, him supporting her hopes and dreams?
Darn, I love it when Mr. Trub pays my board. I consider it very supportive when he helps me with horse things.

[candyappy]

@Jealoushe

Pays your board but doesn’t support your horse habit? Just curious, does he ever hold these things over your head?

That’s twice you’ve mentioned he’s a good guys because of material reasons. I’m curious what he does for you as a woman to support your hopes and dreams and in the daily life.

If doing something like that (all on his own) isn’t showing that he realizes how important horses are to the OP I don’t know what does? From the new insight on the boyfriend ( which was not mentioned at first) it sounds like he supports her but struggles with it when it cuts into their time together.

That is not unusual but hopefully a compromise can be met.