That’s why I asked for more details, because it can be great or it can be a form of financial control and I was looking out for OP.
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So he does support you in your horse stuff.
Sounds like y’all just need to talk and agree to a set schedule. You could always drag him to the barn to spend quality time as well.
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Definitely is a possibility. Sadly we can only go off the info we are given and OP hasn’t said anything about that ( yet).
With the new information, it sounds like maybe a big part of this is an expectations the OP is putting on herself or projecting onto him, because she reacted negatively to his potential job. DH sounds pretty supportive.
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I’m not sure how this became completely hyper focused on my boyfriend.
I never intended this to praise him or complain about him. “Him” wasn’t the object of my post.
My problem is a multitude of factors that seem to have combined into pushing me over the edge.
#1 - working 8-5.
Leaves not really enough time before work , or after to really dive into my horses. I am used to working 6am-2:30, or working 6-4:30 with 3 day weekends, or 6-6 with 4 day weekends.
But I got an opportunity to learn a new skill , and for my health and my future I feel it’s the right choice. The trade off is poopy hours.
#2 - No full board option. Barns I board at simply no longer offer full board. No muckers. No turnout. Often stuffing haynets as well.
#3 - Turned 30.
Dude …… I’m tired. The crazy energy I used to have is gone. No longer can I just go-go-go-go all the time. I can’t work all day on 5 hours or less of sleep.
When I was 20 years old I worked nights, 5pm-3:45am. I would be in bed by 5-6am, and back up by 11am. Would be working project horses 12 - 3:30ish, then back off to change and go to work. Then I’d work 10 hours overtime on Friday day shift (pass out in my truck from 4am to 6am, as the OT shift was days only, so started 2 hours after night shift ended) so I would still get 2 days off while putting in a 50+ hour work week and working horses 5 days a week minimum. I did this for years.
That. Would. Literally. Kill. Me. Now.
So does my relationship and the fact that I need some time to maintain it factor in? I’m sure it does. But there’s a multitude of factors here , all playing at once.
The BF does not make or break it.
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I am 38. I am single and have no roommates, so 100% of household and animal duties fall on my shoulders. I have four horses (and a flock of chickens) at home, work an 8-5 (well, actually 7:30-4:00) job, and have a 90 minute commute each way to/from work. I won’t pretend that it’s ideal, but it’s doable. I cope by:
- Getting up at 3:30 am on workdays (this means I’m in bed around 8 pm whenever possible).
- Batch cooking on Sundays and pre-portioning meals so all I have to do is warm up dinner at night.
- Paying an awesome handyman to do all my yard work, fence maintenance, etc. My weekend time is too precious to spend it that way.
- Keeping my horses out 24/7 except during terrible weather or foaling. I deliberately set up my barn and pastures to make daily tasks as easy as I could. They come in twice a day for about 20 minutes to eat, get checked over, etc. This time of year, I’m doing that by head lamp on weekdays since I leave before sunrise and come home after sunset. We all cope fine.
- Having a riding/show horse who, while young (coming 5), is sensible and kind enough to be okay going long stretches between rides without pulling any foolishness. Since she lives out in a big, hilly pasture, she stays plenty fit enough to handle a sporadic work schedule.
There are always trade-offs in life. I have no arena (or even flat ground), but I wouldn’t trade having my girls at home for the life of a boarder/full training customer, even if I could afford it. I’ve accepted that my riding horse and I will progress much more slowly than we would in a more conventional program. Thankfully, I work in the feed industry, so my boss and coworkers are very understanding of my occasionally needing to work from home so I can hold horses for the vet or farrier, monitor a soon-to-foal mare, or deal with some other household or horse task/emergency.
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@Blueeyedroan, since you are not paying for full care board, is there extra money left over that can be spent on something that will save you time?
On the horse front you could ask your barn owner if they know anyone who wants to get paid to do hay bag stuffing, stall cleaning, etc.
Is 24/7 turn out an option there?
If finding someone to take care of the horses is not an option then use that money to hire someone to do things around the house that will make your life easier.
Maybe subscribe to a service that you can get lovely heat and serve meals from? Hire a house cleaner?
I do agree that it seems like our endless energy we had when we were younger seems to vanish as we age.
What you might be dealing with right now is the shorter days and stress of holidays adding an extra burden that just has you over tired.
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Not dismissing age as a factor or shorter, colder days…but despite the glorification of over-work in modern life, no one is capable of running an ultra-marathon every day, for years and years. The adrenaline can sustain you for a long period of time, but I think what you’re experiencing is the fact that you simply can’t take a break, or even enjoy the horses you’re working for.
For many non-pros, an eight hour job, house, significant other, and horse life just isn’t sustainable, especially with commuting to all these different obligations.
What many people try to do is work fewer hours and find a source of passive income (like owning a rental property and fixing it up). Would that someday be a possibility? That doesn’t require a degree, just savvy and hands-on knowledge, which you certainly have in spades. I know you already rent out part of your house.
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If horses are out 8+ hours a day for turn out, could you deep litter for faster mucking out? Or if stalls are generous sized and horses aren’t bed-destroyers, bed deeply and muck out every other day? Then you can pre-stuff multiple hay nets for that 48 hours (or use HUGE ones) and ask a fellow boarder to just put up the new hay nets for you and check water?
Or are there areas you can outsource household / property time requirements ?
I shared earlier that I’m in a similar stage of life - although I have a very hands on helpful husband and a toddler (with baby #2 “baking” right now, due in 8 weeks). I work a demanding job BUT it’s majority WFH which cuts out commute time. Barn is 6 minutes drive and full board. I struggle to fit it all in even with nearby full board and only one horse, but I also work long hours and have a small child that I prioritize quality time with.
Right now my schedule:
- Wake at 6:30am, prep toddler’s outfit and lunch, eat breakfast
- 7 am online for work (husband does toddler morning routine and daycare drop off at 8:30)
- 4 pm sign off work to pick up toddler
- 4 - 6:30 pm toddler time, dinner
- 6:30 - 8:30 2-3x a week barn time (remainder I do toddler bed time and DH does his hobby)
- 8:30 - 10pm back online for work
- 10 - 10:30 / 11pm decompress with DH
We have a cleaner, a small yard with minimal maintenance (that we outsource bigger jobs on), we hire for gutters, repairs, etc unless DH is in a low intensity period of his hobby (his is cyclical).
There aren’t enough ours in the day, so know that you aren’t alone! It may be time to downsize your horse count for a while to give yourself a recharge period and then re-assess in the future.
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The short answer is: you don’t have time for 2 horses. I have a similar job/schedule. I’m stuck in the office from 8:15-5:00 M-F. My barn is 30 minutes from home and 20 minutes from work. On the days I ride my one horse, the earliest I can get home is 7:30. Add in barn chores and riding a second? No way. One horse with chores is do-able, but still tough. My guess would be that, narrowing it down to one project horse would free up some cash that you can pay for some services that would make life easier.
The other question I didn’t see clarified is who is cooking the homecooked meals? You? You and BF? Doesn’t sound like you ever come home and he has prepared dinner on his own. At the least you should be alternating who is in charge of cooking each night. Are you eating at 9:00 at night? I’m unclear of the logistics.
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I understand and sympathize with the adult ammy life. I am still in grad school (online) with a FT office job (WFH luckily) and two horses at home. The days both horses get worked are few and far between, even when everything is running smoothly. Things that have helped me (which may or may not be doable for you, in your specific circumstances):
- Built hay feeders that can hold a whole 2 string (50lb) bale. Depending on how much the horses are in, I am only messing with hay once a week or less. They have a hay hut and round bale outside that gets refilled roughly every 6 weeks.
- Using muck tubs (16 gal?) instead of water buckets in stalls. I didn’t have to refill waters twice a day when they were in.
- Prepping grain/ supplements ahead of time. Everything is mixed in tupperwares and I have enough for about 20 days at a time. Makes it so I can dump into their buckets + some beet pulp and soak. With all of the above daily chores (feeding twice a day) takes about 15 min when they can be out or 30-40 min (total) when they are in and stalls need mucked.
- Put down flat/ smooth rubber mats in one stall which is notable as cleaning that stall goes so much faster than the other. It also stays drier (the other has a dirt floor and moisture creeps up).
- Banking shavings in corners/ back wall once a week which in all but extreme cases, gets me through the week without having to refill shavings.
- Batch cooking once a week and eating that all week. I can’t imagine cooking everyday or during the weeks. There is just no time/ energy left for that.
- Grocery delivery. We don’t always do this but it is so nice to have everything delivered when we are super busy. That’s an easy 1-2 hours back.
My suggestion is to take a few days to a week and really track how long everything takes and what all you are doing (and yes tracking it will make things take longer but it will give you valuable info). You might find you are spending more time grooming or walking back and forth from A to B, etc. Then take that info and see where you can be more efficient. Something as simply as keeping grooming supplies or tack near the stalls may help save some time.
The biggest improvement in my days came from getting a WFH job. This cut out the 90-120+ min commute (round trip) and allows me to start a load of laundry, pick up an area of the house, run the vacuum on my breaks. WFH isn’t for everyone (at least I’ve been told), but I can’t imagine doing a regular 9-5 with a commute and all the care for the horses + the house + other animals + cooking etc. There are a good amount of customer service WFH jobs, if you are in the customer service field.
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I have no suggestions to offer, though I do really understand first hand the declining energy …
I’m also 30 and experiencing the shocking decline in energy from when I was in my 20s. I put myself through college working full-time in a remote job at a tech company and pretty much didn’t sleep (let alone ride!) for the three years it took to get my degree. I spent my 20s working my way up in that same company, including two years traveling to India every few months and working 14-16 hour days the whole time. Sporadically kept up with horses with some lessoning in India and a few leases in the US, but I just did not have the time to dedicate to horses, let alone for a proper relationship.
Fast forward to COVID, hitting my late twenties, and meeting my significant other, and I’ve slowed waaaaay down. My boyfriend told me straight up when we got together that he would not stay with me if I did not set some boundaries at work, which was exactly the push I needed. For some reason, I thought I HAD to work myself like a dog, or I wasn’t trying hard enough, but what’s been super interesting is to find that now, working 6-8 hours/day, I’m actually far more productive and impactful in my role than I was when I was working myself to the bone until 2 am every night. It was HARD to slow down, and I had all kinds of ideas about what I “had” to do, but doing so has allowed me to have a fulfilling relationship, throw myself deep into horses (including buying+starting an unbroke 3 YO which has been the most JOYOUS journey), and ultimately go further in my career. OP’s situation is far different of course and I don’t have much advice on what needs to be cut out, but really questioning what I thought I had to do helped me cut down on things that I didn’t actually NEED to do. For me, that was cutting down on my working hours, but for you that might mean getting rid of one horse, or signing up for a meal service or housekeeper like was suggested above.
Of course, I’m still pretty busy now, and my job is quite stressful at times, but I now WFH and have enough time to spend 5:30-7:30pm at the barn every night with my girl (even with a 40 min commute both ways) and still have dinner with my boyfriend after. It helps a LOT that he is semi-retired and does most of the cooking, plus he has horses too so it’s something we often do together. I’m pretty happy with how things are now, but when it gets tricky for me is thinking about kids – I honestly have no idea how I would fit that in without taking a major step back from work, or horses, or if I just hand over all the kid stuff to my SO. I also want to own horse property (well… ANY property) at some point, and I just don’t know how I would have time for that AND riding and all the rest of it.
My own journey is still WIP, but I hope you figure it out and come back and tell us how you did it — it’s HARD being a woman these days.
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How about two weeknights your guy eats on his own? You’re still eating together the other 5 nights. And you’ll be home well before bed to catch up with him. Just getting the extra time those two nights would be huge for your mental health, do you agree?
Also, could you cook together on the weekend and get your food together for a couple more nights?
Cooking every night takes a lot of time - prep, eat and clean up.
There are many of us here who can really relate to what you describe and making time for horse play comes down to creative shifting of things. And it’s not easy but can be done.
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No, but if you have to be home after work because he requires you cook dinner and spend that time with him , then that time cannot be used on horse chores and riding. So it is complicating things.
Turning 30 has nothing to do with it. Talk to me when you turn 55+.
Nothing wears a person out like unending stress. Get your life , time and priorities settled and you just may have more energy.
Nothing improves my attitude, outlook and energy level like spending some quality time with my horses. It just rejuvenates a person.
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And more good advice that stress and exhaustion take their toll on your immunity and mental and physical health. You know that but it’s good to be reminded. So it’s good you’re reaching out to us - who’ve been in your shoes. Yes, some of us are quite a bit older and can tell you that at nearly 60 with now pain kicking in, it sure doesn’t get easier.
So take care of yourself NOW. Bank it for the future. And that’s what you’re reaching out with by starting this thread.
You’ll need it.
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What about trying the pre made dinners like Hello Fresh? Delivered to your door?
hello fresh still has to be prepared. they basically do all the shopping, and everything is the correct amount.
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Where I live , you can’t even get pizza delivered. We don’t have a taxi either.
My “community” consists of a post office, a convenience store, and a pub. There’s no fancy services around here haha .
Hello Fresh is delivered by UPS/FedEx/etc. You do still have to cook, but at least all the ingredients arrive at your door, in the correct quantities. It’s a pretty good deal, really. I was a subscriber for a couple of years and really enjoyed it. I still did the once or twice a week batch cooking, but at least I had more variety in my diet that way! It also taught me some new “tricks” in the kitchen that I still employ years later.
There are other, similar, subscription services that send fully prepared meals. Again delivered by “regular” services to just about any location. I’ve never tried them but have heard good things from friends who have.
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I might print this out and read it daily! I keep my horse (and 2 donkeys and 25 chickens) at home with my husband and our soon to be 7yo son. My horse needed to retire earlier than I had hoped due to an asthma diagnosis (we evented). I can manage the daily care of everyone OK, and I still love having my farm, but I’m not riding at all anymore. I refuse to sell or try to lease my gelding (I’d miss him plus I’ve read WAY too many horror stories!) and I can’t afford a 2nd horse right now, especially with the price of everything continuing to go up! I’m turning 40 this year, and often think - how did I have time to do it before my guy was retired? I don’t even know where I would find the time to ride even if I could! Working ft and being a parent and taking care of animals and trying to spend time with family…so I’ve accepted it for now, but I really like how you’ve described your evolution.
OP, agree with the others- somwthing needs to give. I would try trading chores with another boarder or 2 as others here have suggested, and probably downsizing to 1 horse and making the most of it. If your hobby is stressing you out more than not…is it still a hobby? Only you can answer that for yourself. Good luck! Adulting is no cake walk, that’s for sure.
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