@McGurk and @skydy I very much appreciate the head’s up. I did not think anything McGurk wrote was insensitive in the least, and I would not have put all these pieces together without your direction.
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Hi Brad: I’m so incredibly sorry for the loss of your Aunt, I can tell you loved her very much.
I am grieving as well. In January, we lost a dear boy who was like a son to me, my son’s best friend. He was killed when a drunk driver struck his Uber, killing him and the driver. We are all still reeling, and I am crying typing this.
It seems you are trying to make sense of it all, but sometimes these things just happen. Melanie died doing what she loved. She was able to fly without wings. Many of us take the same risk, and we know the dangers, but we love it so much we still do it. What happened to Melanie could have happened to any of us who ride horses: Beginner or Pro, jumping or riding on the flat, or simply working around the barn.
We also could be hit by a drunk driver on the way to the barn. Life has no guarantees of safety, I wish it did, and all of our loved ones could stay safe. But you have to believe the love you and Melanie had for each other is still strong. Love never dies.
All the best to you.
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Just wanted to say that this thread, most especially McGurk’s smart sharing of important information at the beginning, shows the best of CoTH. I am proud to be part of a group that can offer such support to a young person in pain.
Brad, my best healing energy and warmest virtual embrace is heading your way. You are wise to share your struggle - it will help you feel better eventually. Remember the happy times with your aunt!
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Thank you, @vxf111 . It was a horrible shock, so I can sympathize with what Brad is going through.
Stay safe, everyone!
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Hi Brad…I also knew your aunt and know where she was jumping at her accident. There are no jumps there inappropriate for a rider of her experience or especially dangerous. It is a safe venue and geared to competing at the introductory levels of the sport not the elite levels. She was experienced and not doing anything beyond hers or her horses’ capabilities or experience. There is no reason for what happened to her. It is sad and also scary for many of us as she wasn’t taking unreasonable or extreme risks. She was living and enjoying life. I was riding a horse the other day…on flat ground at the walk. My horse tripped and went down to her knees (Like I myself have tripped on flat ground). I stayed on her and she was able to regain her balance. But it could have gone very badly…there was a fence and other objects that could have killed me had I hit them while falling from that height off her back. I’ve had a ladder crack while I was cleaning the gutters from my house…a fall from it also could have ended badly. We take reasonable risks every time we get out of bed…get in a car etc. Unfortunately, your aunt’s accident falls into that category unlike some of the other fatalities in this sport which are more of the level of the extreme sports at the elite level. Your aunt was not taking that level of risk. She had taken the precautions and was well trained on good horses and jumping a fun and appropriate level. She is missed…and many of us have had to struggle with her accident as it proved that no thing is safe. But we do have to live and enjoy life.
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Thanks for telling me this, but this just gave me more questions than answers. I really want to see the video of the accident, but I don’t know who would have it. I think it would give me the answers I’m looking for. I’m sure her trainer recorded the event.
I would love if their was someone here on this board who actually saw the accident, but doubtful.
Brad I don’t understand what answers you would hope to find if you had a video of your Auntie’s accident, and watching a video of her accident I think would do you more harm than good.
The USEA and USEF do look closely at accidents, so you could write to them and ask if they have found if there was a specific issue with the jump, or if it was one of those unfortunate accidents that just happens. I have a feeling that it was just one of those accidents that can happen in any person’s life.
I think that by now, your family will know if there is anything to be learned from her accident and perhaps you can ask them what they were told. They will certainly know more than anyone here because of privacy laws.
It is very unusual for there to be video of every rider jumping every cross country jump. Even at the upper levels of eventing, there is not video coverage of every jump.
I hope that you can find some solace, perhaps by speaking with a friendly counselor about your grief . Take care Brad, wishing you comfort and peace.
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You do not. Trust me. I have been there in person when other fatal accidents happened. There is nothing you would want to see in a video of something like that. I really think it would help you to talk to a professional. You can ask your PCP for a referral if you don’t know someone. What happened to Melanie was tragic and I understand you are grieving but I think you’re setting yourself up for failure trying to find “the answer” for why it happened. There is no “answer.” And even if there were, it wouldn’t take the pain away.
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there is no video of the accident that I’m aware of. She was just schooling (ie training) at a local venue that is where many of us school and I know well. I highly doubt her trainer recorded anything. Most do not as you cannot teach and video at the same time. This was NOT a special occasion or an unusual event for her. Just a standard training session at a normal venue getting ready for a competition. Just like thousands of other lessons/ training sessions that I’m sure she had before. Think football practice or basketball practice…that’s all it was. Basic practice…and as can happen in just about anything we do in life, there was an accident. Falls happen…and 99.9% of the time it’s fine but if you hit wrong…just as if you hit wrong falling from a ladder or tripping going down stairs, it can end badly. You are looking for answers that are not there. Life sometimes just plan sucks. And it’s why we have to focus on positive things and memories…appreciate the good in our lives and remember the positive you learned from your aunt not how (and the unanswerable why) she is gone.
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I completely understand why you’d like to get the whole story with all of the details, as I explained in my earlier post. That doesn’t help everyone affected by such a tragedy. But it definitely helps some people, and I am like that as well. It helped enormously to know exactly how my nephew’s death came about, that it wasn’t due to daredevil behavior but solely due to the circumstances at the moment. If instead it had come down to major mistakes of judgment on his part, we still would have wanted to know that. Why knowing the details matters to some people, I don’t know, but it mattered to us.
Have you had a conversation with her trainer? If her trainer were comfortable discussing it with you, I think that would be the best. Hopefully you would get some specific answers and explanations. You are likely to find that no one was to blame, including the horse, that it was just the most unfortunate confluence of events. But I know it helps to know how that came about.
I understand how hard it is when people brush away your questions with “you don’t want to know”. They can’t speak for your feelings. I get it, you do want to know. One of the harder things about accidents, for a family, is that there is often no formal investigation. That can leave people without the answers they want to help understand why such a tragedy occurred. Sometimes an informal asking around for all the facts that can be gathered can help create a more coherent picture for those who need to understand more.
However, I do agree with those who say you will regret seeing a video, even if there is one. I rather hope there isn’t. A video probably won’t show an explanation of what happened because video is never at an angle that shows everything. And it likely will show some horrific images that won’t explain anything, and are not the way your aunt would want you to remember her.
If you don’t get any specific answers, then you may be left with some random guesses about things that do happen, that aren’t usually fatal, but at that moment it all came together the wrong way. No one’s fault. Sometimes things do just happen. I hope you can find more information than that, but maybe that is a fallback that you can manage in case there isn’t any more information available.
It is terribly unfair that this happened to your aunt. I have no doubt that everyone on this forum is deeply saddened and even grief-stricken at this tragedy, even those who did not know her in person. I know it is terribly frustrating not to find the answers that you are seeking here on this forum, and I regret that they just aren’t here. All the best to you as you go forward from here.
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Oh well, if you die doing what you love, so “be it” right? As long as you die doing what you love. I really think you all are right, I need to see a counselor. I’m going to say it, if she never took up that sport, she would still be alive today.
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And if my friend had not taken up driving a car, he would not have died in a car accident. If my brother in law had chosen a different line of work, he would not have died young in an accident on an oil rig. This is life, and life is not fair. We just have to remember our loved ones without regret. :yes:
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I’m going to be on a mission now and that mission is trying to get my legislators in my state to ban the equestrian sport. Enough of the tragedies.
You all are basically telling me “life is life” get over it. H*ll no!!
By the way, how dare you “telling me life is not fair” while I’m still grieving.
Ok Brad I’m going to tray to describe this for you.
I had a horse back riding accident years ago that caused some pretty serious injuries and was pretty traumatic. In my recovery, the only place I felt safe, I felt truly whole as a person, and like my normal self, was on the back of a horse. Despite the fact that the accident was caused by a horse.
Recently, I had a major medical event. It was caused by a genetic mutation that I didn’t know I had. I could have died but I didn’t. I will be on medications for the rest of my life. And I will keep riding for the rest of my life.
I guess my point is that I could just have easily have died from a random genetic mutation, in fact more so, than from a horse back riding accident, and I’ve been hospitalized for both. I would much rather die falling off my horse than in a hospital after suffering a medical event.
There was some debate with my Drs. about whether or not I should be riding after this last health scare. This was how I described it: Riding my horse is not just like a fun hobby. Riding and horses are my “raison d’etre.” My reason for being. My vocation, my calling, whatever you want to call it. Riding and spending time with my horse is a combination of my yoga, meditation, exercise and church, all rolled into one. It puts my feet back on the ground and centers me mentally. It makes me feel whole again. If I haven’t ridden in some weeks in the winter or whatever, and I sit on my horse, it’s like a sigh releases from my entire body and I feel relaxed for the first time in ages. To be honest, I do not even think “to ride or not to ride” is even a choice for me anymore. I HAVE to ride. The Drs. did agree that I could ride, which was nice but I was going to anyways.
What happened to Melanie was an accident. It was not her fault or anyone else’s fault. I completely understand the feelings of wanting to blame someone but unfortunately in this situation, there is no one to blame. I also understand being angry that she is gone, but there is nothing you can do that will turn back time. I know you said in the other thread that you are studying accounting. I’m sure your college or university has a counseling center where you can request an appointment as a starting point. They can probably refer you to a specific grief counselor in your area.
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I saw this coming from the first post…:rolleyes:
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Because that is a sad and universal truth, life is not fair.
I watched a program about a mountain climber once, and I so wish I could remember who it was. He died on a mountain, and they spoke to his mother asking if she wished he hadn’t gone. Her reply was along the lines that he was only alive when he was on the mountain, and she knew given a choice that’s how he would want to die, while he was living.
It made a deep impression on me, made me understand why my son likes to strap boards on his feet and ski down mountains.
I ride because it makes me feel alive, I understand and accept the risk, because of the benefit I gain. Statistically I am still more at risk on my drive to and from the barn, than I am while riding.
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