Having a bad one today.
I just keep wondering when I’ll get to enjoy at least a little bit of joy or a bright moment of horse ownership. There have only been problems since I got her and I literally have not had a single day where there wasn’t some kind of overarching problem going on in the background (ulcers -> behavior -> kissing spine and feet). Everyone talks about horse ownership having highs and lows but I’ve only had lows, and it’s just like… how long do I have to wait before I get to enjoy things too? I’m so tired of struggling. I’ve been trying my hardest to make this work every day since I got her and I just wish I could go back in time and tell my past self ‘DON’T DO IT!’
I’ve wanted this more than anything for my entire life. I’ve made major career and life and financial decisions all with the intent of enabling me to own a horse of my own. And now the time’s come after looking forward to it for so long and I’m just miserable.
It feels treasonous to say, but I can’t even sell her now. If I do, I feel like she’ll probably end up euthanized or slaughtered, assuming I can even find a buyer who wants to take on a horse with documented KS and behavioral problems and poor feet and susceptibility to ulcers. I’m trapped in this situation and I want a rest so desperately.
The worst part is that even if I end up doing surgery, or any treatment, really, there’s no guarantee that I’ll finally get to sit back and start to enjoy owning a horse. She may still be high anxiety etc.
It’s just so F’d up that this was my first horse experience. I knew there would be ups and downs and scares but this is just wildly excessive. I feel like I’ve been cheated out of something I’ve wanted my entire life and something that has until now been my purpose and overarching goal.
She likes me, she follows me around, but I don’t think she loves me. She’s not overly affectionate. I feel like I’m breaking my spine bending over backwards for her and have been every day for the past 3 months, going absolutely broke over it, and I barely even get any affection in return. I know they can’t understand everything that we go through and it’s irrational to expect gratitude and she does show signs that she’s happy to see me, but I wish she’d nuzzle me like some of the geldings I knew just one time, or enjoy being petted.
I want to wake up from what feels like an increasingly wild nightmare. And I can’t.
Just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you guys for hanging around.