I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few weeks thinking about redemption, forgiveness, and grace. About how and when we offer it, and to whom and when it is “deserved.”
I thought this post (Matt and Cecily’s) was pretty vulnerable, and illustrated how the world has changed, and I appreciated the courage it took to write it and to make the admissions contained therein. But I understand that the last sentence mentions holding “the human” (we all know that Andrew is who is being discussed here, but there are countless other top riders who could slot in here, maybe not with this exact abuse, but actions that are also despicable) accountable for their actions, but it does jump to already planning for forgiveness.
I am puzzled by the number of conversations about forgiveness, and stopping a “pile on” or “witch hunt” that are happening when there is a crucial element to a path to grace or forgiveness that is glaring in its absence here: An apology, or request for forgiveness. An expression of remorse or some sort of dedication to do and be better has not been seen anywhere.
One of the questions this situation raises for me is whether society no longer has actions that justify casting someone out of the group for, in the end? At what point does drawing a boundary become an acceptable thing to do? Part of the rules that govern society are that there are behaviors so egregious that you will be cast out for crossing a line. Have we reached a point to where that is no longer a real threat, because before there is even a reckoning, an apology or a “holding accountable,” we are already saying, in essence, “Stay here in our warm group. We will still love you.” If that is the case, is that not a weakening of the rules involved in safely interacting with others if the possibility of banishment no longer has teeth?
I’ve personally had to walk away from two or three situations in the last year, where no longer including the person in my small circle was the healthiest thing for me. And there is a lot of info out there on mental health and positive support for setting boundaries. But, on the other hand, there is also a strong cultural pervasiveness of forgiveness and inclusion, and I’ve had to deal with a strong internal narrative that what “true friends” and “really good people” do is to forgive, and move on. But, in some instances, that just keeps something malignant within a person, friendship, or organization. Which is terribly unhealthy.
As I’ve gotten older, I guess I’ve become a lot more inflexible. Let’s face it – there is no one that thinks the actions depicted in these videos is correct training, or ok in any way. There are no two sides to this discussion. I cannot think of this rider, or anyone else choosing to include this in a training video or a clinic as an acceptable training method. I’m uncomfortable with the reaching out to an abuser, especially prior to any admission of regret, and offering forgiveness. We shouldn’t have to get to a point that the only thing that kicks you out of the community is electrocuting horses for money.
Maybe I’m just tired of the attitude that forgiveness is “deserved” protecting and perpetuating abusers of people and animals.
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