Another Craigslist ad - "Please adopt Sugar Baby"

[StGermain]

PLEASE ADOPT SUGAR BABY (MID TN)

My grandchildren were visiting my farm last year and found a puppy by the side of the road. Someone probably drove by the night before and threw it at my mailbox.

It’s a two-tone brown and white short-haired dog of nebulous genetic lineage, with floppy ears and eyes that are unusually large for its head, giving it a somewhat goofy look. Its eyes seems to be fixed on something a great distance off – sort of that “Glazed John” look. Also, its eyes don’t have much sparkle; it looks like the porch light’s on, but nobody’s home.

My grandchildren named it Sugar Baby, but it will answer to “Shit Head,” “Dumb Ass,” “Asshole,” “Numb Nuts,” or just about anything else. Sugar Baby likes to eat and dig holes. My yard looks like the First Marine Division’s mortar practice range.

For sport, it really enjoys chasing my chickens and ducks. It doesn’t harm them; I think it just likes to see them run with their wings flapping. When it has successfully run the chickens off their nests, it likes to suck their nice warm eggs.

Sugar Baby is bullet proof. It is actually faster than small-caliber ammunition, having the ability to literally outrun .22 rimfire rounds. When I step onto my porch with a firearm, Sugar Baby can cover the 40 yards or so across my yard and into the woods in mere milliseconds. And depending on the caliber of the gun, Sugar Baby can hit a speeds in excess of Warp Factor Five in less than 15 yards, often leaving a contrail across my yard. After a gun-encounter, the dog will stay gone for days, only returning at night to dig a hole or two, suck chicken eggs, take a dump on my porch, and bark all night under my bedroom window.

Sugar Baby has been neutered. He lost his seeds in a Hot Wheels accident on my driveway. But the dog won’t chase cars – it hates and avoids anything with wheels.

Please give Sugar Baby a good home. There will be a small reverse rehoming fee. A “reverse rehoming fee” works like this – you take the dog and I’ll give YOU a $50 rehoming fee. But it will be up to you to catch him. Because of previous gun encounters, the dog avoids me like a dose of the clap.

'Ol Dave

[Alex_and_Bodie_s_Mom]

Um . . . if I was in TN, I’d call to see if that was a hoax, or if “Ol’ Dave” needs to be neutered via Hot Wheels, too.

[jenm]

[QUOTE=Alex and Bodie’s Mom;6978318]
Um . . . if I was in TN, I’d call to see if that was a hoax, or if “Ol’ Dave” needs to be neutered via Hot Wheels, too.[/QUOTE]

The post has been deleted by the author. I sure hope it was meant as a joke.

[LauraKY]

If that was supposed to be funny…it missed the bar by a mile.

[StGermain]

I took it as a joke - for CL posters to write something that literate, they have to know the tone they’re using. Similar to this CL ad I copied a few years ago:

[I]I need a tractor…I bought this cabin on three acres of land, way out in the country. It seemed a really good deal. I mean people had been living in it and quite reluctant to leave. How bad could it be…even if it was an as-is foreclosure deal, so I live there now.

The place doesn’t have running water, the previous residents must have been hardy folk, as they were transporting their water from a shallow creek along the backside , and running it through a coffee filter to remove the solids. I don’t think they were drinking much of it as there is ample evidence that they drank only beer. A lot of beer, judging from the quantity of beer cans and bottles in the brush, scattered liberally throughout the three acres and the adjoining property as well. So I will soon be drilling a well.

They sure did like their beer, Bud Lite seemed to be the preferred brand, but occasionally they tried Old Milwaukee and Schlitz, I suppose on those weekends when money was a little tight. They evidently also enjoyed shooting the beer bottles, lining them up in the driveway was a favorite pastime of theirs, such fun loving people…they were good marksmen too! I can’t find any beer bottles in that drive that weren’t shattered! So I really need a tractor, one that might come with a box blade.

If I can find a tractor with a box blade I could use it to scrape up a lot of the beer bottles and aluminum cans. Probably pay for it through recycling, and it would also be useful for filling in the septic tank hole. I found it one day while picking up beer bottles. Yep, those clever folks were quite an ingenious bunch! Why they had built their own septic system, a very impressive feat of engineering. Unfortunately the fifty-five gallon drum they used for the solids had rusted through it’s top, and the earth above it was only supported by roots interwoven with shot up aluminum beer cans. I had wondered where it was, but I found it just fine when I walked across it and bent over to gather up another arm load of shot up Bud Lite cans. Lucky me…I was going to have to call some one and pay them to find it!

I will probably now need a new septic tank too, at least a new fifty-five gallon drum, so I don’t have a lot of money to spend on the tractor. But if I could find one that had an old bush hog on it, that would be great. You see…the field beside the house has a lot of beer cans and bottles in it as well, and come hell or high water, I am not walking back out there until it’s cleared! The last venture was bad enough, and I wonder if I could survive another. With ticks as big as house cats, and chiggers as big as softballs, I don’t think the average man could do it. Why they’d take a man my size down like a pride of lions on an antelope scampering across the Serengeti…After I got out of the hospital from undergoing a massive influx of anti-biotic and overnight observation, I found that I had spent a good portion of my tractor money. That spotted tick/lyme disease crap is rough, I can attest to it.

So in closing, if any one out there has an old tractor, with any of the above two implements and aren’t asking an arm and a leg for it, ticks almost got my one good leg and I am a bit partial to the other even if it is all swollen up from falling in the septic tank. I’d be interested in hearing from you. I am thinking I can spend 3500 maximum, but would prefer to keep it below 3 g’s. Maybe a good running Ford 8/9N or 2000…

I can be reached at 615-XXX-XXXX evenings, and 615-XXX-XXXX days and some evenings. If you try to reach me several times and don’t connect, I may have found the old well, so I appreciate a call to 911.

Ask for Jack
[/I]
StG

[LauraKY]

This is my favorite craigslist ad:

PURPLE HALTER FOR SALE. PONY SIZED

I have a used bright purple pony halter for sale. Adjustable and in fairly good condition. A pony will be included with the halter. I currently call this pony “Juicy” although he goes by many other names as well, depending on my mood and his behavior. This pony is just waiting to become someone’s little dream pony. This 12.2 hand, 7 yr old pony is fantastic, if you are into the type of equine that is is constantly invading your space/vehicle, etc. He believes he needs to be everywhere you need to be, especially when food is present. He is in great shape, if you consider round a shape. He never met a horse trailer he didn’t like and climbs in them every chance he gets, whereupon he immediately puts his feet up on the manger so he can look out the window. He made it halfway in the back of my car the other day before I noticed and sped off. He LOVES little kids, especially little kids with treats. He will eat them. (the kids, not the treats) Just kidding. This pony has been worked over 2’6″ jumps and lunged over 3’3″ jumps. However, he likes jumping my 4 ft. pasture gates the best. He could absolutely be someone (else’s) dream pony. He’s very affectionate, both with people(especially women) and horses(especially mares). This little guy is the neighborhood gigolo. By affectionate, I mean he will have no issue invading your personal space/private parts, if you know what I mean. He sticks his nose wherever he wants. With mares, he is lucky he is quick because he will mount mares, even the ones who have “a headache.” He is not at all discriminating, although I’ve noticed he likes the fuller figured gals. His absolute favorite is mounting a mare while a woman is on the mare. Ask my friend Lisa, I’m sure she considered that a good time. And when rejected? You can see that he is clearly thinking that the female is merely playing hard to get. This just makes him more determined. This porky little guy very much thinks that he’s got what the ladies want, even if they don’t know it yet. He reminds me of the little guy at the bar who hits on everybody, whom you practically have to blow an air horn in his face to get rid of. This pony has been on television, which probably adds to his ego trip. He could be the perfect little dream pony(for someone else). He walks/trots/canters/jumps, takes trips to the mailbox and to check the waters, goes trail riding, swims, poses on stripper poles(ask me), tests your trailer floor weight limits, tests your trailer emergency walk through doors, taste tests anything and everything, steals food from blind horses, tried to mount my dog(it is a big dog), stands tied patiently to the swing set while my son swings, loves to roll in the sand box, allows little kids to mount him from lawn chairs, buckets, swingsets, clubhouses, ladders, gates, side of the trailer and anywhere else, pulls little kids on sleds in the snow, tries to decapitate adults by running them under arena railings, and so much more. Did I mention that he could be the perfect little dream pony(for someone else)? “Juicy” is also a fantastic workout companion. I think I’ve lost at least 15 lbs since I’ve had him. I’ve never run so much in my life, either after him or from him. Though his little flabby butt cheeks closely resemble two pigs fighting under a blanket, he got me in wonderful shape. I firmly believe he’s a dream pony (someone’s else’s dream, that is). Call me if you want a used purple halter and are a glutton for punishment

[ReSomething]

My Fav:

Big Grade Gelding

Big grade gelding. Been used as a pickup horse until he got hooked by a bull. Think he has a split personality, some days he’s great, some days he’s a real prick. No secrets here, you need to tranq him to shoe him or he will try and kick your head off. He has been used for branding, moving cows, ranch roping ect. And like I said, some days he is great, we have had beginner riders on him and they have done fine, I have ridden him in the hills or gathered on him and he was fine,He is not great to catch, although we have him turmed out on 140 acres so he can leave if he wants, but in a smaller pen he is much better. he just needs someone that isnt going to take his shit on a regular basis. He needs to be taken and used. If you are looking for a horse that you can ride twice a year, well then this is not the horse for you., But if you use your horse as often as you change your pants then he will probably suit you perfect. We bought him with the intention of selling him and because we have more than enough horses he has gone to the bottom of the priority barrel. He is not a horse for the faint hearted, if you are handy and need a project or if you think you are handy and need to try and prove it. I think he is about 11 years old. 15.3 hands. Anwsers to the name of Dick. Ok, he doesn’t anwser, thats just what I call him. $2,500 obo.

[VaqueroToro]

[QUOTE=ReSomething;6979350]
…if you think you are handy and need to try and prove it. I think he is about 11 years old. 15.3 hands. Anwsers to the name of Dick. Ok, he doesn’t anwser, thats just what I call him.[/QUOTE]

Dammit, I just bathed my monitor in water from my nose.

[Stushica]

I almost want the pony…