@signmypapyrus, I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you are there for your mom, and that is the best gift you could ever give her. My sister and I shared parent care through the last months of my father’s battle with cancer and then for the years of my mother’s dementia. Just mentioning this so you know where I come from.
Hospice was invaluable, especially in the last weeks and days. Dementia doesn’t qualify one for hospice, but my mother also had a cardiac condition that did. One thing we did was introduce hospice early in both cases. They didn’t provide services until a month before death in each case, but they had the chance to meet my parents and speak with them while they were relatively well and establish a relationship.
If you can possibly do it, find someone in your area whom you can trust to come to your home and give you a break. Even if just a couple of hours a week, you need this to find time for recovery. You are posting here so I assume you’re involved with horses. If you can’t leave your mother alone while you take a pony break, find someone from her church if she had one, a neighbor, anyone. In a friend’s case, they brought it a “cleaning lady” who bustled about, but her real job was keeping an eye on her mom for a couple of hours a week. Even if you have to pay for it, it is worth it. And it may energize your mom to have someone other than you and doctors to talk to.
Don’t ever feel guilty about “loving lying”. When my dad was near the end, he wanted me to do a medical procedure on him that I was and am totally unqualified for, and even if I were I wouldn’t do it an a relative. He became so agitated and insistent that I had to get my DH involved before I got hurt. I finally pointed out that he was so tired, I couldn’t do what he wanted until he rested a bit. Somehow that worked, he slept for a bit and then forgot what he had wanted. With my delusional mom, it was more complicated, but it worked maybe 80% of the time, and that was a gift.
Use the time you have with your mom to talk about her memories and experiences. With my mom slipping into greater dementia, I would pull out a composition book and ask about her childhood, her favorite foods or colors, about her parents or whatever crossed my mind. We had some wonderful chats, and I took notes in the book which she could reread in my absence. It would help calm her when she became agitated. Now I get to read them and feel closer to her.
I’m glad you’re getting some support, and being overwhelmed is part of caregiving. Yes, it’s normal but that doesn’t make it feel better. Give yourself gold stars for what you do accomplish in a day, prune the “to do” list to essentials with the occasional treat, and try not to fret about the rest. You are a good person doing a good thing. And that’s all anyone can hope for.
