I can think of lots of horses of both genders who didn’t like people around their private space. One lived across the hall from the tack room, poor thing.
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My mare pins her ears and glares at me behind my back. I spin around and she puts on happy ears. I think she is fascinated that I can’t see behind me like a proper horse.
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It took me about a year to develop a bond with my mare. She got a stone bruise and had to be on stall rest. The farm crew would turn her out in the indoor while they cleaned stalls, just so she could walk around, but the only time she would do anything other than stand in a corner and nap was when I was there. I would literally go to the barn, do laps around the arena, and study out loud for biochem exams with her following me. It was a surprisingly good way to study, and we really bonded with those quiet mornings of just hanging out. Sometimes it just takes a little time, a lot of patience, and some bonding time out of the tack to really connect with your horse. It’s definitely worth it in the end, even with the occasional sassy pinned ears.
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The best post so far 
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It took me a year to figure out my late mare. I hated the ground she walked for quite some time. I kept telling her “I’m going to get you going decently, then you are SO up for sale.”
As it turns out, due to medical issues, she was unsaleable. So, she was mine. Period. I swear she cackled when I got her diagnosis.
I don’t remember when I realized it, but she was “my horse”. I never believed in one-person-horses until her. She was obsessed with me, in her own way. She would do ANYthing for me. She would do it far nicer if I asked her to do it “her way”, but regardless it was going to get done and promptly. I didn’t know what forward really felt like until her. I didn’t know what connection and trust was until her.
I’m not saying to not keep a horse you don’t enjoy. But give her a little more of a chance. Try to listen to what she’s telling you when you’re getting frustrated - feel the icewater running through your veins, try to eliminate an “electric seat” (I’m guilty of that often), and listen to her. What does she want? When you get a really nice transition, what did you do differently? When she’s really through, what is going right, and how can you replicate that?
I’d say that in another 8 months - after trying each and every day to understand what it is you’re doing that is irritating her or getting those reactions that frustrate you - if you still really don’t like her, move her on.
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I totally agree with this - she may need more quality bonding time, not just work time. I guess I was lucky when I got my mare the weather was bad for a month, so we could hardly ride (we had no indoor), and she was afraid of everything, so we spent a lot of time handwalking, finding new things to desensitize with, simple groundwork, etc. This gave us a lot of quality time where she could be with me, learn to have some confidence, and realize that I was a source of comfort, consistency, and confidence. Several years later, she works hard for me ~ 4-5 days a week, and I still try to do at least one day a week of a hack, some groundwork (including stupid tricks like Spanish walk, bowing, etc), or take the dogs and go for a long hand walk with her somewhere new and/or scary (I often even make the husband come join us for these long walks). If I don’t do this on a regular basis, she definitely starts giving me the “I don’t want to work” vibes (turning to face the back corner in her stall when I’m tacking up), versus her usual “let’s go already” vibes where she’s at the stall door eager to get her bridle on so we can go work.
I’ve never tried the Warwick Schiller “connection” training or whatever it’s called, but that sounds like it might be a good option to start with. I also do a lot of clicker training, as it really gets them engaged and thinking “what can I do to get a reward?” instead of “what do I have to do to get this person to leave me alone.” That and it makes it easy to teach them fun, stupid tricks 
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My mare loves the clicker trick training. She just glows.
I thought initially she wouldn’t learn tricks because she wasn’t goofy playful like a gelding. Turns out she takes tricks very seriously and really tries to figure out what I want. I think it was a turning point for her realizing that humans weren’t that stupid after all, and were actually trying to communicate in their own clumsy way. She also loves making up new helpful routines connected to feet, hoof boots, haltering, etc. I don’t know how much is gendered.
She was broken in by my coach and that was the first person she connected with. I’ve been riding her ten years. I can be grooming or cuddling in her stall, and if she hears my coach turn off the road into the barn, she races into the runout paddock to watch her drive by. She knows coach is boss of me too. If mare is working with coach she won’t even look at me most of the time. She knows I don’t count when coach is on the scene.
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i have adopted 9 horses from a rescue. One of them, a big arabian mare tossed me (big time!!! bucking and kicking)…i didn’t get broken, but the bruise was about 1/4 of my body. A daily chaging rainbow from purple to green… and i adopted her anyway. She was impossible to catch, had to haul her to vet’s for a standing stock just to vaccinate her. Had to sedate to trim her feet even… That was how it was with us for years. My decision was never to ride her …not to trust her, until she trusted me. Now i get the sweetest low nickers whenever she sees me. And she stands still for any touch of anywhere on her body while out in pasture. I call her by name and she will come running (gorgeous shining white arab mare…all head and tail UP!) It took FIVE years for her to cross that great divide and meet me. edit: gotta say, i was in NO HURRY to do anything with her. All was on her own time. I have a LOT of other horses that i can ride and groom and snuggle. And she was at-large in pasture, so she was always free to come or not to me. Five years was without any pressure and not much encouragement…just letting her be herself.
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Not a mare owner, but I agree! Incorporating clicker training for all kinds of useful behaviors have really helped strengthen our bond!
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Also it can be really helpful to read a little about equine behavioral science! I started doing so recently and it has made it so much easier to understand what my horse truly means when she exhibits certain behaviors. I personally recommend “Language Signs & Calming Signals of Horses” by drs*. Rachaël Draaisma and “Equitation Science, 2nd Edition” by Paul McGreevy, Janne Winther Christensen, Uta König von Borstel, and Andrew McLean.
*I kept the drs. lowercase & with the “S” as that is how it is formatted on her website, just clarifying.
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I really recommend reading the book “Horse Brain, Human Brain” by Janet L. Jones. EVERY new horse owner needs to read this book.
Horse brains and human brains work differently. We have a pre-frontal cortex, the horses do not. This one thing really changes how horses react versus human reactions. The horses see the world differently than we do, often in ways we just do not understand on our own.
I also recommend experimenting with the new, modern type grooming tools. She may not like many of them, but when she drops her head, starts licking, and relaxes her eyes she probably likes that grooming tool.
When you find her favorite grooming tools she will look forward to being groomed and will look upon you positively. This has worked for me with the school horses (I no longer own a horse). Horses who owe me no favors and just look at me saying “oh no, more unpleasant boredom” end up giving me little gentle nuzzles when I pass in front of their nose, saying thank you for making me feel good.
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I just want you all to know, I asked my mare last night and she said I would be lost without her. She is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, so there’s that.
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What a great thread!
I’ve owned two mares (one is my current horse).
I wanted to add that these two mares who, for the most part, were/are unchanged during most of their heat cycles, at least in terms of their rideability. BUT the first heat cycle in late winter (last week in fact) is an absolute horror.
Yohza! Last week, all 16.3 hands of Irish Draught mare is doing her airs above the ground simulation. (In the interests of self-preservation, I chose not to ride, but rather to “free lunge” with an emphasis on the word “free”). Little half-rears, canter pirouettes, segue to buck-fart, stop dead from a dead-gallop and stare (with head-raised) off into the woods, snort; repeat. When I returned her to her field, she did it all again on her own (who says horses don’t like to work? ).
I don’t think her behavior was so much “I want to be bred” as it was “Damn, I feel good.” And perhaps if an intrepid stallion had wandered onto the property, he might have been invited to the party.
The past couple of days, though, she’s back to her usual, mostly-chill self. So even for individual mares, there can be differences depending on the time of year.
I’d also agree with other posters that it can take months and months to establish a relationship with a mare. They’re in it for the long-haul. Ground-work, clicker-training, extensive grooming (if she likes that kind of thing), etc. in addition to riding all will get her on your side.
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I have two mares. One I only bought a couple months ago, she is 4 and the sweetest baby, loves attention, comes trotting over to be caught, follows my dad around the paddock when he’s mowing etc.
The other I’ve had for 12 years…and could not be more opposite. She fits into alot of what people would assume for a mare (she’s a pony to boot). Her mare face is EXCELLENT. I think she practices. She will. Not. Come to be caught. No. She has a catching spot in each paddock. She sees me coming, will maker her way to her spot and no amount of treats or cajoling will get her to come to me. I must go to her. She is very anti social, and cares not for other horses. She is indifferent towards most people unless she thinks you’ve got a treat, and then she couldn’t be sweeter or friendlier.
She has very strong opinions, and is not afraid of telling you exactly what they are, but she knows she must remember her manners. She kicked me once in protest at being booted for travel. It was deliberate, she turned to see where I was and aimed sideways. She was promptly informed that was not acceptable, and not an attempt in the 9 years since. She hates being girthed, and she can make aaallll the faces she wants, but biting is a firm no. Disagreements under saddle require discussion, simply telling her won’t get you anywhere. She knows her stuff, if the rider gets in the way, she will make it clear that YOU are the problem, sort yourself out and she will give you the good stuff.
She is the exact definition of a one person horse. I tried selling her a few years back, she wouldn’t have a bar of anyone else. She likes my dad well enough, as his purpose is to bring her carrots, but otherwise, I’m her person. No one else. She’s not typically affectionate, and does not fit the mould of what most people think when they think “special bond”…but over the years we have developed what is to me, a very special relationship and she will do anything I ask of her. I have never known such a reliable, dependable horse.
So in short…yes, a good mare is worth it, once you figure out their language.
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The only two times my wonderful Dutch mare has come close to unloading me is when she is ovulating in her spring cycle. I didn’t realize it the first time, but it became SO evident that we just put her on Regumate. Everyone is happier. For whatever reason, she is incredibly painful through her back during her early spring heat cycles.
Is she worth it? 100% This horse will dig in for me and work hard (after expressing her opinions) more than any horse I’ve ever ridden. Even when she’s crabby and when she was a sometimes rank 5 year old, she would get over it (eventually) and DIG IN. And that’s what I want in an upper level dressage horse.
Is that just her or because she’s a mare? I have no idea. I will say that she’s almost never crabby, even when she’s in heat, on the ground. There’s normal pinning of ears at meal time, and when she’s feeling sassy around other horses, but nothing out of the ordinary. But she’s an incredibly snuggly horse with me when I working around her. She’s a sweet mutual groomer and loves to nuzzle.
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Somewhere up thread I mentioned the “Fix your face, mare” thing for ear pinning. The other night I had my smart girlie tied up to the bars of the stall of a 2yo while I cleaned her stall. I often check on her to make sure she’s not getting herself into trouble and I saw her with both ears pinned making snarly-face at the 2yo. “FIX YOUR FACE, MARE!” Immediately both ears went forward. Good girl, here’s a candy for remembering that command. This happened a couple of more times. What the what? Finally I got smart. Apparently 2yo is mouthy and was doing her best to untie my mare’s lead from her stall bars. Ah, sorry, mare, I was getting after you for tattling on the troublemaker. I swear that mare is smart enough to know that if she is not allowed to chew on ropes (and that was a hard-won battle, let me tell you) then, “NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO CHEW ON ROPES ESPECIALLY MY ROPES!”
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I am LOVING all of these mare stories. I am so glad that so many of you out there have experienced and enjoyed mares in all their glory. It is one of the greatest joys of my life.
I have two mares. They are both very good citizens, quite good friends (have been together almost 15 years) and quite different from each other.
The younger one is very, very sweet and snuggly. She is a very athletic little beast and a quick, happy learner but would really like for me to let her just be a kids horse since she loves them with all her heart and will let them do anything. She’s extremely careful with her rider; we recently had a random slip and fall and she was HORRIFIED; she stayed frozen on the ground watching me until she was sure I had untangled myself and was fine and then she got up (and was fine also, thank god). In the herd she is the second in command and does most of the dirty work keeping the geldings busy and doing what they should be doing, but she’s careful – if she ever actually makes contact it’s because they were daydreaming or didn’t listen the first time. She does have a noticeably revving up of her cycle in the late winter/early spring and is at her spiciest then.
The older mare is an absolute force of nature. She is great fun to ride but everything is a conversation; if it’s something she’s decided is a good choice for both of us then great but if she has questions I have to answer them all with great conviction. In the herd she is the most in charge administrator you can imagine. She hardly has to do anything. She usually picks one gelding she grooms to do her bidding and then that’s what they do with their life from that day forward. She will meet everyone at the gate to check their ID. She has EPIC marestare. Recently I was reading a (mostly flattering) biography of Nancy Pelosi and I kept thinking, “I know this energy, who does this remind me of?” YEP, this mare is the actual Speaker of the House, she is that much of a boss lady. Curiously, I have never noticed any difference in how she behaves around humans or being ridden during any part of her heat cycle (but she does do a lot of squealing and flouncing around with the geldings).
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reminds me of one of our mares that I had out in the LBJ Grasslands, there is a central parking area with loop trails and interconnection trails to connect with these loops (about 100 miles)… I was out on the outside loop when the mare stopped. turned to look at me with a big question mark in her eyes…Lost AGAIN? was apparently her thought
I let her have her head, she turn a little to the left and out through the brush we went… directly to the trailer. Once there she just looked at me thinking saved his ass once again.
She was a good mount.
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When I first started taking riding lessons the two best schoolies were 2 red headed mares. They hated each other at first and were very upfront about their mutual loathing, but they were totally professional in the arena. They could be in a lesson and except for pining their ears they never acted up when they were being ridden. Even with absolute beginners.
My first horse was a mare and she taught me so much. She was never mean; never offered to bite or kick ever. But I learned never to pick a fight with her because she would never back down. I loved my sweet girl. I lost her ten years ago and I still miss her.
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I’m loving your descriptions! Thank you!
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