There is a lot here that isn’t adding up to coherence…
OTTB that has won jumper derbies which is the only reason you’re not selling her (although you can’t rider her, even with a lot of leverage and you keep getting run away with).
She gets better over bigger jumps, and you don’t think that’s a good thing.
Sounds like your horse has an opinion about jumping (high and fast) that you don’t share…well–what on earth attracts you to a horse you can’t ride?
Might be time for a divorce, you sound like you would each be happier with different partners.
