Aunt Esther, national and international Purse Champion, is delighted to greet friends old and new. Aunt Esther has spent these past years quite busily rolling through her glamourous life with her fabulous horses, beaux, Hermes, and private jet. Aunt Esther is, of course, fully vaccinated and boosted, and has a stunning selection of KN-95 masks that match each of her designer outfits.
It is the subject of outfits upon which Aunt Esther wishes to pontificate. As one may or may not be aware of, Aunt Esther has exceled at each discipline in a way that only happens in movies. She has jumped successfully at Grand Prix level (and has had far too much fun on the Global Champions Tour for a few seasons, in the big ring with the big boys), finished Badminton on her enviable dressage score, taken numerous national championships in the hunters, finished at the top of the scoreboard in endurance and dabbled with her usual stellar success in reining and cutting (this was done as a bet which Aunt Esther of course won, and she won her competitions as well), and she has shown dressage internationally at the highest levels. Not internationally in an FEI class at one’s closest Big Show, but internationally as in Grand Prix in Leading European Dressage Countries.
Now that the uninitiated are up to date with Aunt Esther’s equestrian background, she would like to delve further into the subject of outfits.
Recently one heard a good deal of clattering and gasps from the lounge adjacent to the covered arena in Aunt Esther’s huge Southern California private equestrian center. Aunt Edith, Aunt Esther’s sister who wears Shapely Breeches, and friend Coreene (sadly also still wearing Shapely breeches) were – to quote a popular “COTHism” – were simply aghasted upon seeing the USDF’s “A Visual Guide to 2022 Dressage Attire.”
Aunt Esther is rarely at a loss for words, but she can assure all and sundry that her first response to this abomination, after recoiling, was a quote quite often attributed to the Dowager Lady Grantham, but of course Aunt Esther said it first. Because, truly, “Vulgarity is no substitute for wit.”
When the most impressive thing in a “Visual Guide” is the Appaloosa Mule (and it is indeed one of the most delightful mules Aunt Esther has ever seen a photo of), one cannot help but think that those helming the attire rules have merely given up and acquiesced to the Real Housewives vulgarity of what keeps appearing in the local tack stores.
Have members of the dressage community taken complete leave of their senses? This is dressage. It is not Barbie Dream Horse and Rider. One finds it difficult to produce outfits which make the Arabian and AQHA “hunt seat” people look conservative and respectable, but in comparison to the vulgarity and flash in “A Visual Guide,” Aunt Esther cannot help but think that ghastly breed show shaped “hunt seat” pads with a number slot look respectable. One is not seven years old. Kindly keep one’s Pepto Bismol coat for costume classes. One is showing the partnership between oneself and one’s horse, not oneself and one’s Bedazzler.
As a sidebar, Aunt Esther points out that one does not “earn” white gloves. One purchases them and puts them on for each and every dressage test. Even walk-trot children on Shetties in European competitions are in white gloves, as it is a requirement. So please be still about “earning” them. If one is afraid of one’s hands looking decidedly masturbatory, kindly do one’s horse a favor and remain home and off his mouth until one learns to ride properly.
Oh, Aunt Esther, I’m so thrilled that you’ve stopped by for a quick visit! As always, your trenchant comments ring true, yet also make me laugh hysterically. 
