OMG. So true.
I sometimes miss the fun of showing and riding with others, but living a nice, quiet life without having to evade whiny, bitchy, neurotics all day long is definitely worth it.
I KNOW people ar my barn talk about me because they’re all talking to me about each other. I’m flattered that they care enough to make me a topic! Horse people like trash talking even more than they like horses. Tell your barn manager that you’d appreciate if she didn’t talk about your friend to you and try to make it work. You’ll have a hard time boarding horses if this kind of garbage makes you move along. It’s sad though. We all have so much in common and so many bad personalities.
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Yes.
If you believe the evo-psych people, then gossip is something that evolved to facilitate the function of larger social groups, and has thus become a part of ‘human nature’. Indeed some barn gossip is useful (e.g. I recently heard ‘through the grapevine’ that a friend’s horse had a fatal colic over the weekend – knowing this will help me be sensitive to that friend next time I’m in contact; I heard via barn gossip that another barnmate whose horse came back remarkably well from a lameness used PRP – that informs my view of that treatment). But the kind of critical comments OP describes don’t really sound pro-social.
I prefer to spend my time around people who’ve developed, individually, beyond purely petty gossip. I once had a barn manager that OP’s description reminds me of. She made critical comments about boarders to other boarders with glee, and who often tried to stir up squabbles between boarders. It was difficult to just focus on riding and ignore the nonsense (the “not my monkeys” approach I otherwise prefer) at that particular barn, thanks to the manager’s knack for recruiting others into her nonsense. It was a good day when I left that barn because, to quote AF, “barn time is too precious for that garbage.”
I don’t agree with comments to the effect that being a boarder means you have to put up with unnecessary drama or toxic personalities in positions of authority. There are plenty of barns out there where gossip doesn’t rise to the level of management making barn time miserable. Whether there are barns in OP’s area that can meet the standard of care that current barn provides for her horse would seem to be the more crucial question in deciding whether moving is a reasonable response. I’d start investigating, OP. This barn manager has shown her true colors and it doesn’t sound like you like 'em.
So you were fine with the barn talking about everyone else including the disabled girl but now after years of this suddenly you are worried you are on the receiving end of this and suddenly it doesn’t feel so nice?
What did you do to stop the back biting when it was directed at others? Nothing? Then yeah it’s eventually going to be your turn.
It sounds like this is not so much gossip but a revolving game of who’s in and out? And now you think they’ve turned on you? That’s just how these games work.
You have a choice.
Grow a thick skin and enjoy your horse or leave the barn.
You can’t change them. You know they’ve always been like that.
Feeling in the middle and feeling like they are talking behind your back are two different things.
You can’t be in the middle unless you let both parties complain to you. Tell both parties to STFU and stop talking about each other. Being in the middle is your choice.
As far as behind your back, well what you don’t hear won’t hurt you. And don’t work yourself up into imagining things that aren’t there.
I didn’t know they were being unpleasant about the disabled member of staff. If I had I would have done something about it trust me. I am not particularly concerned if they are talking about me behind my back, I expect they are (obviously I don’t like it but I’ve come to expect it off her). I am more tired and upset by of the bitchiness and talking behind the backs of other boarders. Thank you but I think you misunderstood, thank you,
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But you say they’ve been passing comments all along. What has changed that has made the situation so serious that it’s affecting your physical and mental health as you say in your first post?
If you don’t like hearing the backbiting you can tell them to knock it off when you are present.
One of the reasons for so much gossip at barns I think is that its a group of strangers often with nothing in common other than having horses at the same barn. And often people have very different styles in riding or horsekeeping. And the only thing people really have in common to bond over is talking about the other people at the barn.
You can refuse to listen, you can redirect the conversation and you can wear ear buds while you groom so you don’t overhear.
This reminds me of a new hire at work who was really good at her job, but she bitched constantly. She called it venting, and wasn’t a troublemaker (didn’t expect anything to come of it) but just liked to criticize anyone and everyone about everything all the time.
I’m fine with a little idle gossip, but this was just relentless bitching, so I started wearing headphones and listening to loud music. What that meant was that anytime she wanted to talk to me I had to stop what I was doing and take the headphones off, which just wasn’t conducive to the constant venting so solved the problem.
She eventually realized that she needed to tone it down, and did, at which point I gave up the headphones. 
The difference is that before it wasn’t targeted at an individual but more trying to sound clever and the big I am over everyone, now it’s more targeted and subtly nastier.
I have tried to tell them to knock it off, I’ve tried to point out when they’re full of c…p and I’ve tried ignoring it.
What’s changed is mainly how they’ve changed. Also I’ve just had enough finally. In terms of my health, it’s a constant worry of what are they going to be winging about this time and trying to push down on someone’s (me or someone else’s) confidence today, that stops me enjoying my horses and the barn starts becoming a stress inducer rather than reliever.
Whenever I have to be around people like this I take control of the situation. If you wait for them to initiate conversation they will go down a negative nancy destructive path. Instead, start the conversation with a 10/10 super sunny attitude, say something positive but generic (gorgeous weather! Look at that green grass!), and then ask them about something that feeds off of their need to be perceived as an expert. I don’t want their advice but it is easy to find a simple authentic conversation starter.
“I can’t believe winter is around the corner. Have you found a pair of winter boots you like”.
“I noticed Dobby got clipped. He looks wonderful. What have you found gets the best clip”.
“Black Friday is around the corner. Got any places you’re excited to hit up”.
Sure, they may talk at you for the next 20 minutes but it should be benign and they come away having that need for affirmation filled without indulging in ugliness. If you give someone constant opportunities for affirmation and they fight for a way to be ugly, that’s when I walk away for my own mental health. A lot of negative or even nasty people really just want to feel heard and seen as an authority. Let them be the authority on the best color combination on a chestnut or whether MTG is effective for itchy tails.
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As other posters have pointed out, boarding barns tend to be kind of like soap operas, Especially true when most of the boarders are women, IMHO. No matter how hard you try, it can be difficult to disregard. You have to decide whether what you get out of the situation (horse care) is worth what you have to put up with. There is no right answer. And the reality is that if you move to another barn, you may have to deal with the exact same situation.
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Very good advice.
People in groups use gossip as a general interest topic that they think will engage the listener. Omg you can’t believe what she did now!! Social click bait.
If you can start topics that give the person something to do and redirects them that can change the content of your interactions.
But you can’t have it both ways, gossip on your terms and then shut it down when you don’t like it any more.
IME often the people who are most upset about gossiping are the ones who do it themselves then don’t like it when the tables turn. As they always do.
@Scribbler nailed it. It takes two to gossip.
A great rule of thumb is to always assume anything you say to a gossip will be broadcasted. To Everyone. Everywhere. And almost certainly be taken out of context when the conversation is recounted.
Don’t engage with a gossip. Change the subject, talk about the weather, walk away, etc. Above all, don’t listen to the gossip, no matter how titillating it might be.
Unfortunately/ fortunately depending on how you see it. My BM and staff rarely tries to engage me on the gossiping, they tend to gossip/ be unpleasant to other members of staff / other boarders about other boarders, vets, farriers etc. They know I don’t approve but aren’t exactly subtle or quiet and it’s difficult to be at the barn when you can hear it happening, ;(.
thank you everyone for your input. It’s been really helpful.
Earbuds.
As numerous other posters have already mentioned, gossip is part of human nature and I think deep down that the gossiper (however destructive) is actually trying to bond with the people they are talking to. Having a common ‘enemy’ “boarder X is so crazy” or “chiropractor Y is a total quack” is a way to find commonalities in opinion. Basically they want to bitch or vent until they find someone who agrees with them and this creates a connection. The gossip then feels reassured that their viewpoint is correct and they feel better about themselves. As they say, misery loves company.
I really like @GraceLikeRain 's method of dealing with this. If trying the fly below the radar just isn’t working blasting a little sunshine up their rears can sometimes work. I’ve also has success with “Who cares?” “Why don’t you talk to X about that” and my personal favorite: “That is none of my damn business”
My current BO can get into moods and carry on rants about whatever is stuck in her craw that day. It can be a training method, a former client, feeding practices, other trainer - whatever. Like GLR said, she NEEDS to be seen as an authority. So I’ll try to steer her to rant on a topic I genuinely don’t care about or I’ve already heard it so many times its just white noise to me. There used to be a boarder who really loved picking other people apart and would wind the BO up and they would just indulge in these juicy rants with each other (all while glorifying themselves of course). Eventually they had a falling out (no surprise there) and now BO tries to bait me and I just wont have it. Its taken a few weeks, but she is finally getting that I’m not a gossip hound and boy am I boring to talk to!
I’d venture to guess that I think some BOs or trainers are like this because their whole world is the barn. Some of them live in a microcosm of their own creation. As an AA, I have a full time job and family that take up a bunch of my mental energy. When I get to the barn I just want to tune everything out and focus on my horse. I have no mental energy to fret over if someone else’s blanket fits their horse or if they ride with heavy hands. I simply don’t care unless the health of the horse is at risk.
My BO on the other hand, has no immediate family and no other job. She’s at the barn all day so she has no other outlet to occupy her mind. She has no other balancing forces in her life to put some of the trivial stuff into perspective. Every molehill is a mountain when its the only thing you focus on. So to make her self feel validated and important, she stirs the pot and gossips or forms heavy opinions since she is bored.
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I am hard of hearing and it gets tiresome to try to talk to me, having to repeat yourself time and again.
Works like a charm to avoid gossip.
No one likes to hear themselves gossiping more than once.
Repeating and re-explaining gossip makes it sound as silly as it is.
Then you start to think if you should be saying that.
If someone says something about someone that you do not agree with and you say nothing it will get back to that person that you were the one saying it.
So always stand up for what you think.
Agreed. Also, the gossiper puts the gossipee into a further sh*tty situation… stay silent and you’ll be taken as complicit (and they’ll run with that); try to shut down the gossiper and you’ve been drawn into a ‘disagreement’ - over something you couldn’t care less about in the first place!
You can use physical space and distance to discourage gossips from talking to you. “Oh just a second I’ll be right back!” Disappear into the tack room or feed room for 10 minutes. Go to a paddock if you can put a horse out or bring one in. Talk to other people, let the gossiper hear you engaged in some other conversation. There is a good chance that the gossiper will decide you aren’t worth the effort.
If you are grooming and a gossiper tries to park and gossip, keep grooming. Don’t do the thing we all do, which is to keep your body turned toward them with a smile. Instead, carry on your grooming as if they aren’t talking. You can throw in an occasional “Oh!” but no other verbal responses. Turn your body to your grooming kit, back to the gossiper, with no regard to what they are saying. Don’t make eye contact at any time, because you have more important things to look at, like your curry brush or hoofpick. Turn your back, your side, mess with the horse’s tail and keep your eyes on the on what you are doing and not the gossiper. Just make it clear that you are prioritizing grooming (or whatever you are doing) over the gossip. When you are ready to walk away, you can either walk away silently, or say “I need to go ___, I’ll be back”.
If you are walking to somewhere and someone tries to strike up an unwelcome conversation, either pretend you didn’t hear it, or say “oh just a few minutes”, and just keep walking.
Present a body language and intention that says your horse and your ride are the most important thing, not gossips or gossip. People absorb that.
You have clearance to lie to put off unwelcome conversation. :winkgrin: Say “Oh let’s talk about that later” while busily doing something else in a very important way, and never go back to the subject. Say you have to go do some task, or go get something, and get out of reach without doing those things. Etc. If they notice you didn’t do the thing you used to get away from them, that’s ok, it will help get a message across. 
Don’t reinforce their behavior by making eye contact, smiling at them or making agreeable noises while they are being disagreeable. While the unpleasant gossip is going on, all the social smoothness that is required of us (or we think so) can be dispensed with. Reward welcome subjects with interested, welcoming behavior, but discourage unwelcome subjects by withholding basic niceties. You don’t have to say anything directly.
I wish moving barns would be a move to peace. But as others have said, it will depend on the barn.
There are BO/BM’s who pride themselves on positivity. If you can find one of them, that will be the place to go. :yes:
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The trouble with some gossip is that it blindsides you.
Gossipy ones start talking to you about something innocuous and you go along.
Before you know it, the conversation has changed to silly gossiping.
By then is harder to get away without being rude.
That is where the “oh, look at the time, I gotta-go, sorry!” can save the day.
