Ben, Jan and Amy Ebeling Named in Sexual Assault Civil Suit

[happilyretired]

Enough

[dacasodivine]

I’m sorry that happened to you and that you were further victimized. So horrible and people who don’t live that same situation, don’t understand. Even from one victim to another, the way they handle it and the people around them handle it is so vastly different you can’t say there is a normal way for the victim or their support to handle it.

[dacasodivine]

@sascha

@happilyretired

A 14 year old girl drunk, disheveled, and distraught after being with a 17 year old boy doesn’t take much to figure out that that’s a flashing warning light. If she was 16 or 17 maybe you say “be more careful” and let her go back. But not at 14!!! As a I said in an earlier post , it appears there was poor judgement on the part of the adults all around. If the parents let her go back they should have stayed and not “dropped her off”

That is very easy to say and very easy to believe, but it’s not always that easy.

Parents can sometimes die of old age not knowing, not believing, thinking their (victim) child has lied or exaggerated their entire life.

Crappy parents don’t care. Good parents don’t want to believe their child has come to any harm. Excellent parents look past their fears to find the truth. I would wager there are far more good parents than excellent ones.

Yes! My baby sister, who was maybe 8 ATT, told my step-mother who told my mom that our step-father was molesting her. My mom then asked my SF about it and believed him when he said that other people, meaning my dad and step mother, had put the idea in baby sister’s head that his hugs and showing affection, etc meant she was being molested.

Mom looked no further and asked no questions of baby sister, who continued to be molested. Thankfully Mom was not married to him too much longer, not because he was a creep but because he was too controlling over Mom.

[sascha]

@happilyretired

Well as someone who parented two teenagers

As someone who had ostensibly great parents who did everything right, I can tell you that you might think you’re paying attention, you might think you are ‘hearing’ things, you might think you have a half a clue and you may in fact not.

My parents both died believing I was a liar, exaggerator, and all round kind of crappy person because that was easier to perceive and believe than that my brother was an abusive piece of garbage.

Your cute little wink about your “handful” daughter doesn’t help your case. It just digs your already deep hole of smug inability to empathize even deeper.

Truth is, you don’t actually know what you would have done in those exact circumstances because those circumstances did not happen to you. We all like to think we are better, that we have super powers, that that could never happen to us/our children. We lie to ourselves because it’s easier to believe that we would never put our children in an untenable position or that our children would ever suffer. We like to think we are prepared. Truth is we quite likely are not and sometimes even when the truth is given to us on a platter we still don’t believe it.

[sascha]

@happilyretired

My only point … which I’ve said over and over and which I would think you would agree with given your experience … is that responsible parents “should” pay attention to clear signs that their children are in / have been in a dangerous situation and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

I had just about the most responsible parents on the planet. THAT is the point. When given different stories from 2 of their children which were they supposed to believe? The younger one who always had her ‘head in the clouds’ or the much older, well-spoken one? It’s the same thing with an “imaginative” child (or teen for that matter) and an older person in a respectable position.

The point is that it is not as easy as you seem to think it is. It is not black and white. If you could handle the situation described in this thread better than you believe those parents did, kudos to you. BUT, more kudos if you could actually understand that this situation and many others are far more complex than you may imagine they are.

This is not “virtual water cooler” talk for many of us. This is real life.

[BigMama1]

@happilyretired

But I know how I would have reacted as a parent….and believe me my daughter was a handful at times.

And that’s great, for YOU. It has nothing to do with what Jane’s parents did or didn’t do so I don’t know what the point is of you repeatedly telling us what you imagine you might do in the same situation. We don’t know what they did or didn’t do. And it doesn’t matter. Nothing you or they or anyone might do after the fact would change the fact that an assault allegedly took place.

[Virginia_Horse_Mom]

@happilyretired

It’s clear to me that many people opining on this thread have very emotional reactions to the allegations based on their own experiences.

I don’t think you mean this to come across as a dig… but it does come across that way to me, in some respects.

People who have firsthand experience with abuse are sometimes triggered and emotional when participating in these sort of threads. But… also… many people with firsthand experience offer valuable insight, and perspective, and can explain the issue from angles other folks just don’t see if they haven’t had these experiences.

I know for a fact that many posters on these forums over the last few years have done just that. And presented information and experience and insight in a really measured, thoughtful and effective way.

I think it’s important to take note of that. Because it takes a TON of strength for a person whose life has been touched by abuse to be able to speak about it in such a manner. And to share their insight with others.

Experience is quite an education sometimes. And I don’t wish certain experiences on anyone. But, when sharing these experiences can serve to help others in distress make their way through their own life challenges more effectively, or just help others who might be emotionally struggling feel a little less alone? That’s a good thing. A little Lemonade from lemons. And I’ve seen a lot of that happen in some of these abuse related discussions that have happened on these forums over the last few years.

[ASB_Stars]

@sascha

As someone who had ostensibly great parents who did everything right, I can tell you that you might think you’re paying attention, you might think you are ‘hearing’ things, you might think you have a half a clue and you may in fact not.

My parents both died believing I was a liar, exaggerator, and all round kind of crappy person because that was easier to perceive and believe than that my brother was an abusive piece of garbage.

Your cute little wink about your “handful” daughter doesn’t help your case. It just digs your already deep hole of smug inability to empathize even deeper.

Truth is, you don’t actually know what you would have done in those exact circumstances because those circumstances did not happen to you. We all like to think we are better, that we have super powers, that that could never happen to us/our children. We lie to ourselves because it’s easier to believe that we would never put our children in an untenable position or that our children would ever suffer. We like to think we are prepared. Truth is we quite likely are not and sometimes even when the truth is given to us on a platter we still don’t believe it.

I do not think that anyone here is not empathic to this situation. At all.

I do think that we all need to learn when we hear about situations like this and try to DO BETTER. The comments that are being made are sympathetic to the challenge and pain of this girls experience. No question.

Why is it so hard to understand that if you do not learn from what you see, you are more apt to repeat it? Why is it so hard to look at this girls situation, and say, WOW, if I saw anything remotely like this, I would be reminded that it might be time to ask questions?

It’s wonderful and reasonable and supportive to sympathize with the parents- it truly is. But there is nothing wrong with saying- hey, now that I’ve learned more about this kind of thing happening, I am going to have my radar out there!

[enjoytheride]

@ASB_Stars

I do not think that anyone here is not empathic to this situation. At all.

I do think that we all need to learn when we hear about situations like this and try to DO BETTER. The comments that are being made are sympathetic to the challenge and pain of this girls experience. No question.

Why is it so hard to understand that if you do not learn from what you see, you are more apt to repeat it? Why is it so hard to look at this girls situation, and say, WOW, if I saw anything remotely like this, I would be reminded that it might be time to ask questions?

It’s wonderful and reasonable and supportive to sympathize with the parents- it truly is. But there is nothing wrong with saying- hey, now that I’ve learned more about this kind of thing happening, I am going to have my radar out there!

My issue is that several posters have stated that the events never happened because the parents would have noticed if they had. Yet multiple posters have examples of how they hid things, bad things like drinking and abuse and assult, from their otherwise excellent parents for decades. We have proof right here that it could in fact have happened even under the most observant parent.

[ASB_Stars]

@enjoytheride

My issue is that several posters have stated that the events never happened because the parents would have noticed if they had. Yet multiple posters have examples of how they hid things, bad things like drinking and abuse and assult, from their otherwise excellent parents for decades. We have proof right here that it could in fact have happened even under the most observant parent.

Actually we do not have proof of that, in this situation, do we? We have what is in the complaint. We do not know these people. I do not say this to be nasty- it’s simply true that we do not know what actually happened, or what these people were thinking. We simply have the complaint, and we sympathize with the horrendous possibility that this is all too true.

We also have anecdotes from others. Interesting, but not necessarily pertinent to the facts of this situation.

[enjoytheride]

No. We have PROOF from other posters who have been abused, molested, and raped, and their parents who were by all accounts good parents, never noticed.

It IS pertinent because some posters are stating that nothing happened because otherwise the parents would have noticed, but we know that isn’t always true. Per the personal experiences from other posters. And because parents are human.

It is WRONG to state that for a FACT nothing happened because the parents would have noticed. I have no idea what did or did not happen in this instance, but to state that nothing happened because the parents weren’t aware, or didn’t act sooner, etc, is harmful to all the abused little girls out there. Look at the US gymnastics scandal. Did we learn nothing?

I would hardly call the horrific events that happened to some of the posters on this BB and were hidden from their parents “interesting.”

[Turntable]

@ohmyheck

Also, (generally) I wish the comments discussing this teen girl’s undergarments and periods would end. None of this is anybody’s business. Does it really need saying?

Many people on this thread need to re-evaluate their need to score points on the internet.

Sexual assaults happen, and girls don’t tell anyone about it either for sometime or forever. This happens every day. You don’t win any prizes for arguing that you would have had a different and more perfect reaction than she did or her parents did. Move on. There are many other aspects of the case to discuss other than the behaviour of a girl who was just drugged and raped. Like maybe the behavior of the men involved?? Or no, are we not able to criticize men, only girls and their mothers on the internet?

[SillyHorse]

@ASB_Stars

We also have anecdotes from others. Interesting, but not necessarily pertinent to the facts of this situation.

Minimizing and shrugging off others’ painful experiences as “interesting” is reprehensible.

@enjoytheride

I would hardly call the horrific events that happened to some of the posters on this BB and were hidden from their parents “interesting.”

Thank you.

[DownYonder]

@enjoytheride

some posters are stating that nothing happened because otherwise the parents would have noticed

In which posts was this stated?

[roseymare]

What?
I do not understand what you are saying. Cowgirl is not agreeing with CH.

[MHM]

@CBoylen

I’d like to point out that most kids riding at any kind of high level in any discipline do not go to public school, rarely physically attend any school, and will almost never attend a health class.
I rarely participate in these sort of threads because I don’t find them very productive, but there’s always this complete disconnect on so many points between people’s own experiences and the reality of being a kid in the horse industry.

While this may be true for many kids who show at a high level, I’m sorry to say that abuse probably happens at all levels. There may be more opportunities for abuse at competitions or training situations that involve travel or kids living away from home.

But unfortunately, there are probably plenty of kids who face similar problems at low level lesson barns. When kids are around people who can control their access to horses at any level, bad things can happen if there is a dirtbag involved.

Many thanks to all those who have shared their own experiences to help the rest of us understand a bit better. I’m very sorry that so many posters had such stories to share.

[erinmeri]

@roseymare

What?
I do not understand what you are saying. Cowgirl is not agreeing with CH.

I understand you calling me out… I wasn’t very thoughtful in my posting. In all fairness, though, I was replying to @Cowgirl’s post which was a reply to my response to CH and I took the post as trying to explain how CH may have come to their arguments, the direction of which I found disturbing.

I may have been wrong, and it is likely that I am carrying over some bias from other threads about certain kinds of arguments and speculations and “movies” in certain peoples’ heads and frustration got the better of me. I also assumed that based on Cowgirl’s name, she isn’t familiar with the Barisone threads. I apologize to Cowgirl if that wasn’t the intent.

Some of the comments in certain posts on this thread are triggering for me… particularly those taking a woulda, coulda, shoulda bent and those that are suggesting that because no action has been taken by authorities the claim must be suspect. In the interest of my mental health, I’m trying to not comment (not a flounce, I may fail!). But wanted to clear up where I was coming from… Being triggered doesn’t make for rational posting, hence the attempt to step away a bit.

@DownYonder

FWIW, I speak from experience (the first time was when I was a TODDLER, for God’s sake).

I apologize, some of the speculation in your post about what Jane Doe may or may not have realized or what her parents may or may not have realized, etc, made me think otherwise. I am sorry that happened to you. Truly. It’s horrific. Because a lot of lousy things have happened to me, and because I didn’t feel I had a voice and was fearful of what would happen if I did speak up, and was fearful about what people would have said about me… I find a lot of the speculating in these threads triggering. Perhaps that wasn’t your intent, but that is how it came off to me.

And with that, back to observing. For now.

[roseymare]

Thank you for your post.

[Salty]

Thank you.

[Jenerationx]

@erinmeri

The complaint alleges that “Almost immediately, Plaintiff lost complete control of her body…” - which doesn’t sound like it was wine. Nowhere in the complaint does it say what kind of alcohol was in the bottle.

Regardless of what was in the bottle, he allegedly gave the girl something that rendered her unable control her body, left her in an out of consciousness, and therefore inherently unable to consent. The complaint alleges she was so incapacitated that he dressed her and carried her to the house, and that her parents were “horrified” by her condition upon picking her up.

So, it doesn’t matter what he gave her. It matters that in the condition she was in, she could not have consented.

This… All of this. The method of incapacitation doesn’t matter in the least.

@h0rsel0ver

Is she not allowed to share the things that happened behind closed doors? She would be an asset to the victim, I hope she is more clear about what went oh

She’s probably not supposed to say things publicly while there’s an ongoing SS investigation. She may have already spoken to them.