So I’m kinda in a rut! I am bipolar and having a lot if difficulty right now. I have been feeling so depressed and sick. I just have no motivation to ride or do anything around the barn and have major confidence anxiety issues when I do get on my horse. I am working with my doctor getting my meds sorted out so I can start feeling better but the side effects can be quite bad sometimes (think flu like symptoms), and he tries to make suggestions to help but he is not an equestrian so I don’t know that he is a big help in the confidence area of it. As well as the bipolar issue my knee is going out and may need to be operated on again! I want to make it clear I am not having suicidal thoughts or anything at this point, I take my medication religiously so it won’t get to that point ever again. However I do still deal with the depression-manic problems regardless of how many meds I take everyday. The manic part isn’t as big of a concern for me (I just have to stay off of ebay, Amazon etc. as I tend to shop when manic). I have a great family support system in place but I am the only one besides my little girls who rides (eventing) and they don’t understand this part of my life. So, any advice and or commiseration would be welcome!
sending lots of support your way. Its no fun to feel like that. Wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Hopefully you can get your meds straightened out and that will help.
I have a bi-polar, etc. family member. Can I commiserate too?
Good for you with taking your meds (that has not always been the case in my circle). I know the side effects can be awful and adjusting the perscriptions around sucks. And it can all change again after time. I know it isn’t as simple as “taking a pill.”
My only thought, instead of riding when you are feeling insecure or not 100%, how about just spending time with your horse? Don’t pressure yourself to get on. I promise the horse doesn’t care. I don’t even mean doing ground work. Sometimes just hand-grazing a horse in the sun can be divinely wonderful. Thank goodness the days are getting longer. I think winter is especially hard.
It took me years to finally find 2 psychiatrists (one moved away, love the current one) who nailed down my Bipolar 2 diagnosis along with ADD (inattentive type) and fine tuned my meds. Prior docs had prescribed the traditional mood stabilizers, which did not work. Lithium did nothing, depakote did a little but I gained 60 lbs on before anyone told me weight gain was a problem. Traditional antidepressants pushed me into a hypomanic state.
Now I am on lamictal and abilify, which are mood stabilizers, and adderal for the ADD. I have been stable for a good 6 years now. When I look back I can see how destructive this disease is. I squandered tons of $$$ and I can’t tell you where a lot of it went. Plus I had a couple of huge meltdowns with significant depression a few times also.
Your doc should be able to find a combination of meds that will help stabilize your mood swings, without significant side effects. There are way more choices these days. I work in an acute care psych hospital, and there are so many people with the same diagnoses. It can take time and patience but it is worth the work. Also, look into cognitive behavior therapy. There are a few good books you can get to work with at home. This can help you sort out your destructive thought patterns and maybe help get you to the barn.
Please just make yourself get out of bed and get to the barn. I had to force myself on many occasions, but once I got there and got busy I felt a lot better, at least for a little while.
Ditto the cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT).
As well, have you looked into Equine Assisted Psychotherapy (EAGALA)?
All the best.
Thank you everyone, I too hope to get the meds straightened out. My doctor is a really great guy and even calls me at home to see how I am doing. Your suggestions and support mean a lot. I had never heard of CBT but it sounds like it is worth checking into, as well as EAGALA. I need to also get my book It’s Not Just About The Ribbons out of storage, it always make me feel better to read it. By the way, no problems getting out of bed, I am up at 4:30 every morning and take care of two teenagers and clean house (believe it or not LOL), but I think with the horses on top of everything else I just feel overwhelmed sometimes. You are right to suggest even going out to groom and hand graze, once I actually get out there I feel better, It’s just getting my butt out there! I don’t know if I can afford to even compete this summer if I actually manage to get back aboard, but I will volunteer at the events and cheer friends on, at least it’s something.
[QUOTE=walktrot;5498649]
It took me years to finally find 2 psychiatrists (one moved away, love the current one) who nailed down my Bipolar 2 diagnosis along with ADD (inattentive type) and fine tuned my meds. Prior docs had prescribed the traditional mood stabilizers, which did not work. Lithium did nothing, depakote did a little but I gained 60 lbs on before anyone told me weight gain was a problem. Traditional antidepressants pushed me into a hypomanic state.
Now I am on lamictal and abilify, which are mood stabilizers, and adderal for the ADD. I have been stable for a good 6 years now. When I look back I can see how destructive this disease is. I squandered tons of $$$ and I can’t tell you where a lot of it went. Plus I had a couple of huge meltdowns with significant depression a few times also.
Your doc should be able to find a combination of meds that will help stabilize your mood swings, without significant side effects. There are way more choices these days. I work in an acute care psych hospital, and there are so many people with the same diagnoses. It can take time and patience but it is worth the work. Also, look into cognitive behavior therapy. There are a few good books you can get to work with at home. This can help you sort out your destructive thought patterns and maybe help get you to the barn.
Please just make yourself get out of bed and get to the barn. I had to force myself on many occasions, but once I got there and got busy I felt a lot better, at least for a little while.[/QUOTE]
Very interesting. I’m going to share this with my peep. She lost about 60 lbs on the last med adjustment (is scary thin after being a bit overweight for 9 years) and sometimes will have five days in a row where she cannot sleep. She has had hospital stays, etc. She has more going on than bipolar, however. But maybe this info can help.
If you have any good books to suggest I would appreciate them (I hope I’m not stealing your thread OP). She is not a big reader, but if it is interesting and helpful…
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this! It’s such a terrible disease. I’ve watched it destroy my mother for my entire 22 years of life. She is doing a lot better now after decades of changing medications, psychotherapy, CBT, etc. I would not say she is 100% stable, but she seems to be doing better. And now, as I get older, I am beginning to see those same bipolar tendencies manifest in me. I’m working with my doctors to get on medication and get balanced. I’m on Lamictal for seizures and I think it helps, but I still need more. I’m getting there though.
I really feel for you, because I know how hard it is to struggle with something you love so much. I’m an eventer too, and I know how much dedication it takes. I agree with the others who have said to just take it slow. When I don’t feel like going out to the barn, I usually feel a lot better as soon as I get out there. But sometimes I just get overwhelmed and I need a day off (I’m out there at least 5 or 6 days a week to do chores and ride because of the way our barn works). Also, I would suggest setting small, attainable goals. Start with something like making out to handwalk X number of days per week. Then once you have achieved that goal for a few weeks, try adding something else.
If you don’t have money to compete, don’t worry. Competition is very important to me, but I am quite broke this year and I doubt I’ll make it to more than my local horse trial.
There are a lot of people in this world who battle this terrible disease, and many in the horse world do too. Several of those good people are on this forum. There’s a lot of support here and we all wish you the best.
One last thing - I would suggest the book That Winning Feeling! by Jane Savoie. It’s geared toward show and performance related issues, but it really touches on some fundamental CBT principles (like stopping destructive though processes) and I’ve found it helps me tremendously in all aspects of my life.
Update! So yesterday the weather was decent and I went out to the barn and got some work done, finally! I am still feeling a little blah but once I got out there started feeling motivated. I hired my friends grandson to come clean my two stall’s as they had fallen behind a bit and because of my knee I have trouble pushing a heavy wheelbarrow. Took both boys out to clean feet and thrush medicate and hand graze. Cleaned barn isle, swept out tack room etc. My big OTTB was bouncing around like a rubber ball (happy to say he is very much sound after an injury layup), he was goofing off and struck out with a front foot hitting my leg, and yes I knocked him into last week! Spectacular bruise here, but doesn’t really hurt. Happily he is able to go out into pasture now. I have looked at all my schedules for the coming eventing season and have decided on one dressage schooling show, the Jimmy Wofford clinic (try to go every year as an auditor), the area Vl clinic at camelot and best of all found out I get to ride at a clinic free because I am helping organize it! This is in addition to my daughter going to Eventful Acres for her very first horse trials (grandma and grandpa helping to pay). So I am just trying to think happy thoughts and go with the great advice I have gotten here. Now if I could just get rid of the horrible taste in my mouth from the meds! I know whine whine! LOL. Thanks everyone!
glad things seem to be getting better for you. One day at a time is all you have to do!
Adragonwolf,
I am sorry you have to deal with this, but I am happy for you that you are fully forward on the right track.
Health experience tells me that ancillary approaches help tremendously:
Correct diet - lower carbs especially (and NONONO sugar) as they are inflammatory - thus worsening your knee and the neurotransmitters in your brain. Be as strict as you would with your meds.
Exercise - not just stalls - set up a program of “your time” and make it attainable - even if it’s just 10 situps a day. Build as you go.
MW
And for all that I am a self-confessed Ribbon 'Ho - as much as you can, take pleasure and appreciate the other aspects. I have barely ridden since the beginning of November, due to my own knee injury, my horse’s injury, and the horrible weather, all of which seem to improve and then wham! another setback.
Try and be in the moment. Not so easy, and be able to forgive yourself when you can’t.
People have given great advice. The best to you!
Thanks to everyone, some great advice! My riding instructor is supposed to come over today and we are going to get the boys out. It has finally quit raining, we have also had some 70 mph winds this last week! It is supposed to get up to 76 degrees this week so hopefully this will help drive away some of the depression. I appreciate the input as I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about this besides my instructor/friend and doctor. I don’t often get the luxury of feeling too sorry for myself because I’ve got kids to take care of, you might know how that goes! I am so glad to have internet again not only for the social aspect but to watch eventing competitions and get motivated.
