Breaking up (with your coach) is hard to do

[mep0726]

Please bear with me as this might be long:

I have been eventing with current coach for the past 7 years. Coach has had multiple UL horses, a solid client base, and helped me bring my current horse from green bean to training level (I was essentially switching from hunters to eventing when I met her). She has also helped significantly with selecting and developing my younger horse (currently at BN, looking to move up this spring). When I started riding with her, I was basically in a “program” with said coach (multiple lessons/week and some training rides). As my riding improved, I’ve gradually become more independent (1-2 lessons/week between the two horse and no training rides) and about 3 years ago moved to a different barn (solely due to buying a house and moving ~30 minutes away). Although coach will travel to teach, I didn’t feel that the footing in the ring at my current barn was appropriate for jumping so I still hauled to her barn (~45 minutes one way) for jump lessons a few times a month.

I have always really enjoyed my dressage lessons with her (and still do enjoy them). However, within the past year, I’ve started to struggle with my jumping lessons (particularly with my training level horse). It’s not that they are bad; I just walk away feeling like my horses got a jump school in but neither them nor I didn’t really learn anything. Coach has had some personal issues going on in her life the past year or so, and I feel like those have greatly influenced her effectiveness in my lessons. In her defense, I am usually hauling over for late evening lessons and I’m usually her 8[SUP]th[/SUP] or 9[SUP]th[/SUP] lesson of the day, so I’m sure there is probably some mental exhaustion on her part as well. However, I realized that I’ve recently (the past 6 months or so), I’ve had more “meh” lessons than lessons which were “good”…and by good, I mean I feel like I learned something new or grasped a new concept. Financially, I’ve had a decent amount of disposable income the past few years so the “meh” lessons didn’t bother me that much. However, SO and I decided we want to purchase the land behind us (which would mean I could have my horses at home!!) so we have started saving so we can pay for the land in cash. Therefore, the “meh” lessons have started to bother me more and more when I feel like they’re not very worthwhile in terms of both my money and my time (hauling over for lessons with two horses means I usually don’t get home until close to midnight).

Given that I still enjoy and learn a lot in her dressage lessons, I would like to continue getting dressage lessons from her. Although coach and I were very close in the past (even lived together for a few months at one point when we were both in need of a roommate), we have gradually drifted apart although we are still friends. However, I still think she will be extremely hurt if I tell her I want to jump with someone else. While this is a decent “horsey” area, she is essentially the only eventing coach in town; other coaches in the area would be strictly dressage or strictly jumpers. There are a plethora of event coaches ~2 hours away, but I don’t know if that would be sustainable to haul down to every week (I generally try to do dressage lessons one week and jump the next week).

Although I’m an ammy, I feel that I am a fairly confident and competent rider. However, I have a pretty busy “normal” job that usually results in me having to lesson either early in the morning (6:30 or 7AM) or late in the evening (usually 6PM or later) on weekdays, or on weekends. Therefore, it can sometimes be difficult to fit onto another instructor’s schedule since I can only be so flexible with my lesson times.

Any advice on how to nicely break it to coach that I want to jump with someone else? I am worried that by not jumping with her, I will also lose the dressage lessons with her and I don’t know that time-wise I can afford to haul out every week for a lesson (current coach is probably the only dressage coach who would travel to my barn to teach, especially for 6:30AM lessons!). I know I’m an adult and have free will to lesson with anyone that I choose, but I also don’t want to burn any bridges. Current coach has helped me my riding improve significantly and I feel that I owe it to her to do this in the gentlest and most professional way possible.

TIA for reading my novel!

[OverandOnward]

Sounds as if what your are most looking for is the best wording/phrasing/tone to tell her this, with the least damage. Something about getting new perspectives and new points of view, etc. Ask her about the different jumping coaches she has had and what she got from each one to help make the point.

Given your history, you may not be able to completely cushion the blow. Be prepared to just live with that. If she is deeply offended and says so, you are going to go on with your life, and when you see her again you will speak first to establish cordiality without insisting on conversation, unless she’s ready at that time. And so on for all the gradations of her reaction. Think through two or three scenarios on the scale of good to bad and what you will say to each one, and then in the moment think on your feet depending on the reaction. With luck even if she isn’t positive about it, her injured feeling won’t last and with time things will get back on a new, positive footing.

But in actual fact this may not be as difficult as you are anticipating. At the core of all of this, although she is your only trainer (at the present time), you are but one of many students for her. It is very common for students to see themselves as more important to a coach than they really are, from the coach’s point of view. We tend to be replaceable on their schedule. Even with your shared background, which as you say is receding into the mists of history and is no longer the current relationship footing.

It could even be that she won’t be as sorry to give up your jumping lessons as you are thinking. There might even be a bit of a relief. As you say, you are at the end of a long day for her. She is doubtless aware that she isn’t helping you make great strides with your jumping, at the present time. I’ll throw in some wild speculation that she would even have suggested this move herself if she could have thought of a way to do it.

Good luck, I am sure this will go more smoothly than your worst worries. It’s natural to be concerned, but approach it as a positive step for both of you and I think you’ll be fine, whatever happens. :yes:

[kmwines]

Have you sat down and told her how you feel? If you’ve had good lessons in the past may be worthwhile to bring it up and see if things improve. I am one to keep my feelings buried until they boil over and my husband has repeatedly told me “nobody can fix or improve on things they don’t know are a problem”. Maybe she needs that intervention before she loses more clients.

Obviously you can find a new gig but if you value the instruction you got previously may ne worthwhile to see if things can be fixed.

[poltroon]

I would go take some lessons with a jumper coach. This is a pretty common thing for eventers to do.

You know your trainer. Maybe straight out ask her - I was thinking of taking some lessons from one of the jumper trainers in the area to see if I can improve X and I wonder if you have any thoughts as to who would be a good fit for me?

[joiedevie99]

Option 1: Hey trainer. I was thinking about how much more technical show jumping will get as we start to think about the move up to prelim. I know we’ve been working hard lately to solidify our basics, but I’d appreciate it if we could mix in some new challenges to stay motivated and challenged.

Option 2: Hey trainer. I was thinking about taking Pookie to some jumper shows this year to practice more technical courses, and I’d really like to have a relationship with a local jumper trainer who’ll be there in case I run into any trouble. Have you ridden with any pure jumper people around here? Anyone you’d recommend I try some lessons with?

[bornfreenowexpensive]

Honestly…I think you are over thinking this. I haven’t learned anything “new” in decades. I have started to gain deeper understanding of things…but that is different than “new”. I Also do get reminded of things, hear things different…and constantly working on the same flaws I’ve had for 30+ years…and yes, often my lessons are more about schooling the horse than about me. This is totally NORMAL as you grow as a rider. I also ride with multiple trainers. I take lessons when I can and when it fits in my schedule. To me…you do NOT need to break up with this trainer…BUT you are developing your OWN program. Which often means fewer lessons. Totally normal…but even Olympic level riders need good coaches. I value each of those that I train with…although it ebbs and flows as to how many lessons I take. You are saving to buy land…and guess what…when you own your farm…it will suck even more money (they always do). So just cut back on A few of your lessons. Stick to your dressage schools. Take a jump lesson once in a while when you need it. Perhaps take a jump lesson with a show jump trainer (although recognize that they are somewhat different sports…so while important, you always need to recognize what may not work with eventing). Pick up some good training books…educate yourself. Watch some of the training videos online. Take or audit some clinics. ASK questions in your lessons…Take the initiative of educating yourself. Asking is what can help you grow. Bring up things you are feeling…get an understanding of why you are working on a particular exercise and what comes next. Riders grow and change all the time…and with what you describe…I don’t see a need to “break up”.

Eta: I’m am saying take charge of your education and get more input from multiple sources…but that doesn’t mean you have to “break up” with anyone.

[dotneko]

Instructors are heroes at the beginning of a riders learning curve. There are many lightbulb moments at the start. Then, your learning plateaus as you become more adept. Further along, instructors become more ‘eyes on the ground’ rather than teaching new skills weekly. It becomes refinement rather than learning. Dont expect more riding revelations from someone new once you have reached a certain skill set.

[Mango20]

I think you can combine your two truths into a good excuse: “SO and I have decided to save money to purchase the land behind our house, so I’d like to focus only on having dressage lessons with you, to get the most out of my limited lesson budget”. You don’t need to mention if you’re taking jumping lessons elsewhere or not.

[sunhawk]

I think that you are suffering from communication issues going back a ways. When you have had jumping lessons in the past you weren’t happy with, that was the time to talk. Asking questions about a lesson during or after is a good thing, and if you go directly to the coach and start a discussion, you might well end up doing more talking than riding that day, but you need to be getting what you are paying for.

[merrygoround]

Instructors do not own students. I daresay that if you went to a Dressage instructor you would find holes in your education, and it may well be time to add a jumper instructor to your menu of teachers. I sounds as though you may be stuck in a rut, without realizing it. Your education needs broadening.

[Core6430]

I had a similar situation several years ago. I did talk to the trainer. She was happy to have me clinic with other trainers, but she wanted to tag along and “coach” me during the lessons with other trainers. It progressively got worse.

Hindsight: I had outgrown trainer. Not that she didn’t have anything to teach me, but it wasn’t going to get me that next bump up to where I wanted to go. I knew it, but didn’t want to let go of the safety rope she’d become. I switched trainers after that and was able to improve dramatically the following year.

My advice would be to let your trainer know that you’ve reached a plateau and that you believe lessons with a different trainer may help. She either helps you find a good fit and encourages you to find the path that’s right for you, or she becomes bitter and spiteful. You have no control over her response. You can only do what you feel is best for you.

You may want to anticipate finding a new dressage trainer too, just to cover all the bases.

Also, you could try explaining you feel like you’ve hit a plateau and allow your trainer some time to attempt.to correct it. I’m not sure it would be a long term solution, but would alert her to the issue with enough time to digest that there are issues in the trainer/student relationship. Then a trainer change won’t come as a slap in the face, out of the blue, change. She’ll see it coming and have more time to come to grips with it.

[OverandOnward]

@Core6430

…

Also, you could try explaining you feel like you’ve hit a plateau and allow your trainer some time to attempt.to correct it. I’m not sure it would be a long term solution, but would alert her to the issue with enough time to digest that there are issues in the trainer/student relationship. Then a trainer change won’t come as a slap in the face, out of the blue, change. She’ll see it coming and have more time to come to grips with it.

Some trainers might be fine with that message. But some might feel as if they are a much greater level of constant pressure to deliver something more in lessons, without knowing exactly what that something more needs to be. That could be uncomfortable for a trainer who may feel that every statement they make during the lesson is being judged by the student.

IMO, if a student wants to ask for something more from a trainer, they need to be specific about what it is they are looking for, to be fair to the trainer. Better timing to the take-off, more adjustability, more coaching of rider’s hands - whatever it is. If the rider isn’t satisfied with the results of the coaching, but can’t be specific about what is missing, then it may be time to get another point of view. It may not mean a permanent change, just another perspective.

[Lord_Helpus]

Sometimes a small lie is the best option to avoid hurt feelings. Do you have another trainer who is a lot closer? If so, tell T! that you are unable to make the current situation work, and that moving to T2 would be best.

[IFG]

Find a jump coach closer to you and tell your coach that the hauling out late at night is really hard for you. Honest and should not cause an issue.