Confidence trouble and not being assertive enough while riding, Advice?

[LoveMyCharlie]

Just to start off, I have a trainer (who is a Godsend) and I lesson 2x a week on my own horse weather permitting (I hate this winter) and I love taking my lessons, its one of the only things I feel like I’m good at and one of the very very few things I do just for myself. But lately I’ve been feeling like I’m just not good enough to do this and that I’ll never be able to enter my first ever show and that I don’t deserve my wonderful saint of a horse. I know that that is all just in my head but its starting to effect my riding.
I have a great big 17.2hh athletic OTTB gelding who is a doll, total in your pocket teddy bear type, who spooks rarely but when he does its like a circus act, legs everywhere up in the air going the complete opposite direction, or the spooks where my 17hh becomes a 16hh which are super fun. I can ride these, I can ride his bucks (on the extremely rare occasion he decides one is needed) I’m a good rider for my level, I have made amazing progress and I still am. But here is my problem, I’m not an assertive person, I’ve just now gotten to the point where I’m comfortable kicking my horse when he needs a good kick because before I was afraid he would blow up (he’s never even tried). I get nervous when he gets a little fresh which is all new, I used to ride this horse in a halter and a lead rope around the farm. But about a year ago I had a really bad fall and it took my confidence level back down to almost nothing and I’ve been trying to build it back up but I’ve been having trouble doing it.

I need help finding ways to reassure myself and build my confidence back up. If that means taking everything back to basics I am so willing to do that I just don’t know how.

Thanks in advance, sorry for the novel

[AdrenalineJunky]

I used to be like this a lot. It doesn’t help that you had a bad fall either. Idling is such a mind are but I think that it’s important that you don’t do things you’re not comfortable with and also make sure that your coach is aware of your confidence issues too. A good coach will be able to push you in lessons and make it a good experience and help you through you confidence issues so make sure you talk to your coach (if you haven’t already).

Also, don’t beat yourself up about things. You must positively visualize your riding, don’t imagine all the things that could go wrong. Don’t worry if you don’t get to a show for awhile, riding isn’t the type of thing where you should be doing X after X amount of time riding. Everyone progresses differently and it’s more important that you are comfortable and having fun! If you can get any books on sports psychology too those are always worth I read and I hope you are able to overcome your confidence issues! I completely understand how little fun riding can be when you get stuck in your head.

[DarkBayHunter]

I’m still not sure what you need to be more assertive about. I don’t kick that’s for pony kids. I use a whip, spur or cluck as needed to reinforce my leg. Are you comfortable doing that?

Fear in your mind is one thing but as long as you are still progressing I think you are winning over the fear. Live in the now. Don’t anticipate the future and enjoy the ride.

It’s normal to be nervous after a fall. Maybe read one of the sports psych books.

[BITSA]

I am going through this myself after a fall that required surgery. My horse spooks at people standing by the in gate to the arena, and every time I see people there, I start to tense up instead of looking ahead and inside leg/outside rein. One of the things my trainer and I talked about today was me not beating myself up, while at the same time setting myself up for more confidence (ie riding down the quarter line or doing shoulder in, when there are people at the gate). Once I have more positive experiences the horse will too. Try to think of ways to set yourself up for success while still completing your lesson and not letting your horse learn to be naughty. Give yourself a break too. Confidence is hard to refrain, but write down every good part of your lesson you have and focus on those, not the 1-2 things that went wrong. Good luck!

[NancyM]

Whatever it is that you want to do, jump a course, or do a transition, or whatever is triggering your lack of confidence, you must WANT it. Want it so much that you can taste it. You must zero in on it, and WANT it. Want it HARD. Understand this. If you do not want it this badly, it wont happen for you.

If you don’t want it, you don’t have to do it. Nobody is holding a gun to your head. You do not have to jump the jump, or even to ride your horse competitively, or even own the horse any more, if you don’t want to. But if you do want to, focus on the want. If you have had a fall, welcome to the club. Flush.

[VaqueroToro]

OP, you and I are a lot alike – in fact, I had a similar post brewing in my head all weekend. You beat me to it. I’ll be following this post in hopes of gleaning pearls from it.

@NancyM;7409869

Whatever it is that you want to do, jump a course, or do a transition, or whatever is triggering your lack of confidence, you must WANT it. Want it so much that you can taste it. You must zero in on it, and WANT it. Want it HARD. Understand this. If you do not want it this badly, it wont happen for you.

Are there any good methods for this or at least dropping the self-defeating attitude and forcing yourself back to this? I know what you mean – getting that mentality like you’re going to kick butt and take names and accomplishing things because of it – but that attitude fizzles after a time of struggling with x, y, or z. How does one recover that?

Help the OP and I catch the red dot!

[Right_on_Target]

I think that most of us go through times when we remember bad thing that have happened and it takes a long time to get over it.

For me, I’m an amateur and I ride because it is fun. If I’m consistently not having fun, then something has to change. These are theoretical things that could change if things aren’t working out in my opinion. I’m sure there are a million other ways once could also work through problems, but these are just a few I like:

Possibility 1: Myself and my attitude. I think this is one of the hardest things to change because when you are nervous to the point that it is not fun, inside you really think you could get hurt, and that doesn’t benefit you or the horse. I find that many repetitions of good rides help to wipe out the memory of having my knee smashed into a fence post by a wildly bucking horse. Positive imagery does help, but for me, positive reality helps more. Keep things easy and positive.

Possibility 2: My short term goals. If I were nervous about something such as jumping, trail riding, scary part of the arena, I might revise my short term goals. I’m not in a rush to make the Olympic Team, so really there is no need to hurry things. I may want to reduce the jumps to easy stuff until I’ve had enough repetition that I’m certain things will go ok as they get higher. Back things off until you are again confident in what you are doing.

Possibility 3: Ride a different horse. See if the nervousness goes away. The world is full of nice horses and they are too expensive to keep up to continue with a horse that doesn’t match my needs. There is someone else out there who will mesh perfectly with my current horse and everyone will be happier if we part ways.

Possibility 4: Get a trainer to work with your horse if there is something it is doing wrong. Always a good idea!

In the short term I think it is great to try to work through the problems and make things work. But life is too short to battle it out if things are not enjoyable over a long period of time. Change things up!

[TrakHack]

[QUOTE=VaqueroToro;7409917]

Are there any good methods for this or at least dropping the self-defeating attitude and forcing yourself back to this? [/QUOTE]

I’m working on some non-horse-related issues in my life, and one thing that was identified for me is so many things are “should” statements in my life. Horse-related examples would be “I should be confident riding outside in the open on a brisk day” or “I should be able to get my mare to focus on me when she’s having a blonde day” or “I should be able to ride this talented horse better”.

With the “should” statements, if I don’t do whatever it is I thought I should, it makes me feel guilty and like I failed, which leads to discouragement in general. It’s that feeling that even though you’re good enough in everyone else’s eyes, what you did was not good enough by your own standards.

So, I have started to reframe things in my head to “would like to” statements. “I would like to ride outside on this brisk day” or “I would like to keep my mare’s focus” or “I would like to achieve X with this talented horse”.

The “would like” approach does a couple things for me: it takes the pressure off for things I “should” be able to do or “should” be doing, and it puts me in a mindset of wanting to do those things. The one thing it hasn’t really worked for is housework - no amount of “I would like to dust” makes me want to dust.

[Right_on_Target]

I think that most of us go through times when we remember bad thing that have happened and it takes a long time to get over it.

For me, I’m an amateur and I ride because it is fun. If I’m consistently not having fun, then something has to change. These are theoretical things that could change if things aren’t working out in my opinion. I’m sure there are a million other ways once could also work through problems, but these are just a few I like:

Possibility 1: Myself and my attitude. I think this is one of the hardest things to change because when you are nervous to the point that it is not fun, inside you really think you could get hurt, and that doesn’t benefit you or the horse. I find that many repetitions of good rides help to wipe out the memory of having my knee smashed into a fence post by a wildly bucking horse. Positive imagery does help, but for me, positive reality helps more. Keep things easy and positive.

Possibility 2: My short term goals. If I were nervous about something such as jumping, trail riding, scary part of the arena, I might revise my short term goals. I’m not in a rush to make the Olympic Team, so really there is no need to hurry things. I may want to reduce the jumps to easy stuff until I’ve had enough repetition that I’m certain things will go ok as they get higher. Back things off until you are again confident in what you are doing.

Possibility 3: Ride a different horse. See if the nervousness goes away. The world is full of nice horses and they are too expensive to keep up to continue with a horse that doesn’t match my needs. There is someone else out there who will mesh perfectly with my current horse and everyone will be happier if we part ways.

Possibility 4: Get a trainer to work with your horse if there is something it is doing wrong. Always a good idea!

In the short term I think it is great to try to work through the problems and make things work. But life is too short to battle it out if things are not enjoyable over a long period of time. Change things up!

[GaMare]

OP- The best advice I can give is to think about what’s good for your boy. If you don’t correct him when he needs it, what are the consequences for him? I’m guessing his alternatives involve you nagging him- a little correction that doesn’t make the point over and over and/or a tough training ride from your trainer before your next ride as they try to keep you safe.

See if you can isolate what exactly is making you nervous in the moment. i.e. When you’re worrying about him being fresh, is it about a spooky corner, could you work on a small circle until you’ve settled in?

Ask your trainer if you can add a quick recap to the end of your lessons. Each lesson have them ask you for 3 things you did well so you leave the ring with your victories top of mind.

[541hunter]

I spent all of last year with some serious confidence/fear issues over fences. I’m still not completely over it (I have a feeling I’ll always be a nervous Nellie!) but I have gotten to the point where I can move past that gut feeling of terror :lol: What really helped me was “Heads Up!” by Janet Edgette. She’s a sports psychologist and an equestrian and the book had some incredible techniques. The one that was most helpful as far as being in the moment in your ride where the fear overwhelms you (we call it “lizard brain” at my barn, when you get to the point that you’re just in instinct mode) was having a mantra - a phrase that I repeated (out loud, if necessary!) that symbolized the one thing I wanted most out of that ride. It had the dual effect of making me focus on something other than how scared I was of the dreaded single oxer (or rollback, or one-stride, or whatever) and also reminding me of what aspect was most important.

I chose “rhythm” as my top goal for every ride, so my phrase was “Rumba rhythm.” When I said it aloud, it had a rhythm that my stride could match to and it gave me a nice visual that was a positive thing to strive for (Rumba in the 2011 International Hunter Derby Finals - just a beautiful round with pace and rhythm all at once). And then, of course, when you’re saying a stupid phrase over and over again your brain can’t focus on being scared of whatever that scary thing is.

Of course, that’s just one thing that is in the book - there are a lot of other long term techniques that I found very helpful in managing my nerves. She has another book too, The Rider’s Edge, on the same subject, but I haven’t read that one. Sports psychology is a fascinating field, and just soooo applicable to our sport.

[LoveMyCharlie]

Thank you all for your advice and support Last night I got on amazon and bought some equestrian sports psychology books, including Heads Up! In hopes of finding some good techniques to help me through my mini panic attacks.
My trainer is wonderful and she is very encouraging and doesn’t push me past what she knows I’m capable of, we also do recaps at the end of our lesson during the cool down where she asks me what I really liked during our lesson which really helps, then we talk about what she wants me to work on (we call it homework lol)
I have really high hopes for myself but I think sometimes I let the fact that I haven’t gotten as far as I would like yet get in the way of where I want to be, I’m getting there regardless.
I’d still love to hear more techniques people have for focus and getting over nervousness, this is so truly helpful.

VaqueroToro, the red dot cat made me laugh so hard!

[NancyM]

[QUOTE=VaqueroToro;7409917]
OP, you and I are a lot alike – in fact, I had a similar post brewing in my head all weekend. You beat me to it. I’ll be following this post in hopes of gleaning pearls from it.

Are there any good methods for this or at least dropping the self-defeating attitude and forcing yourself back to this? I know what you mean – getting that mentality like you’re going to kick butt and take names and accomplishing things because of it – but that attitude fizzles after a time of struggling with x, y, or z. How does one recover that?

Help the OP and I catch the red dot! :D[/QUOTE]

Pretty simple… just ask yourself, do I want this? Do I want to jump this oxer? If the answer is yes, ask yourself how much? If the answer is that I REALLY want to jump the oxer, and I want to do it successfully, one starts thinking about actually doing it instead of being afraid of doing it. Then one starts to think of the best way of getting that done, techniques of doing so. At that point, there is no more fear, no more thoughts of fear. Fear is flushed.

Everyone who rides, falls. Most people who ride, jump, show to any appreciable level have been hurt, damaged physically with falls, crashes. It is unavoidable. If you are going to continue to be a rider, one must accept this, and get past it, and not dwell on it. For sure, try to avoid it. But you are more likely to avoid it by riding confidently, and not feeling fear. If you let fear take over your head, you are more likely to be involved in future crashes, because you will not be riding well. Fear MUST be flushed, fear incurred from previous falls, injuries, you MUST not dwell on it, if you are to be a rider of horses. Because horses are so sensitive, so acute to picking up on it in you, they know if you are afraid, and that makes them afraid too.

Does that help? I hope it does!

[eastendjumper]

You are getting a lot of great advice here, and you’ll continue to get more; nearly every rider has been through, to some degree, at least, what you are going through.

I might add, if you haven’t done this already, trying a lot of good groundwork with your horse. I’ll use the term “natural horsemanship” a bit loosely, but the theories of it, that is, establishing yourself as your horses partner and leader, will translate to your under saddle work. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your guy, already, but if you have access to a round pen or small arena, and can do some join-up type work, it may be a good, simple confidence boost in your ability and your partnership.

Very best to you, and I hope you’ll keep us updated as you can.

[serendipityhunter]

I went through this 2 years ago after a pretty bad fall. I took it day by day and celebrated the small wins. I worked with a dressage trainer and totally bagged jumping for a while. Doing the dressage made me much more confident in my ability to ride. As for the assertiveness factor, if you feel like one of the horses needs more discipline such as demanding they go forward and are in front of the leg, get the trainer or another experienced person on. There’s no shame in that. Also, if they are a little fresh before you get on go ahead and lunge. For me, the sports psychology books helped some, but time and repetition was what worked in the end for me.

[meupatdoes]

[QUOTE=TrakHack;7410412]
I’m working on some non-horse-related issues in my life, and one thing that was identified for me is so many things are “should” statements in my life. Horse-related examples would be “I should be confident riding outside in the open on a brisk day” or “I should be able to get my mare to focus on me when she’s having a blonde day” or “I should be able to ride this talented horse better”.

With the “should” statements, if I don’t do whatever it is I thought I should, it makes me feel guilty and like I failed, which leads to discouragement in general. It’s that feeling that even though you’re good enough in everyone else’s eyes, what you did was not good enough by your own standards.

So, I have started to reframe things in my head to “would like to” statements. “I would like to ride outside on this brisk day” or “I would like to keep my mare’s focus” or “I would like to achieve X with this talented horse”.

The “would like” approach does a couple things for me: it takes the pressure off for things I “should” be able to do or “should” be doing, and it puts me in a mindset of wanting to do those things. The one thing it hasn’t really worked for is housework - no amount of “I would like to dust” makes me want to dust.[/QUOTE]

What a helpful way of thinking about it.

I have always been a “would like” thinker, and this post has turned a light on for me about how other people might view things and will helpm help my students better.

[imapepper]

I think there comes a time in almost EVERY rider’s life where they are not confident. Whether it’s at the beginning or whether they have had some sort of break and are coming back (injury or work related) or have a new horse that is throwing them for a loop. I think every single one of us have been there. I was a confident rider in the past and on my current horse I am so not very confident. He isn’t bad. He is just a very different ride for me and occasionally his sense of humor throws me for a loop. And he is the polar opposite of my last horse who was a very simple ride for me. Other than working through it and celebrating your small victories…to me it sounds like you are doing quite well. Give yourself a little credit. And everytime you push your comfort level a little more, it’s an accomplishment.

[baymarewithflair]

[QUOTE=LoveMyCharlie;7408998]
Just to start off, I have a trainer (who is a Godsend) and I lesson 2x a week on my own horse weather permitting (I hate this winter) and I love taking my lessons, its one of the only things I feel like I’m good at and one of the very very few things I do just for myself. But lately I’ve been feeling like I’m just not good enough to do this and that I’ll never be able to enter my first ever show and that I don’t deserve my wonderful saint of a horse. I know that that is all just in my head but its starting to effect my riding.
I have a great big 17.2hh athletic OTTB gelding who is a doll, total in your pocket teddy bear type, who spooks rarely but when he does its like a circus act, legs everywhere up in the air going the complete opposite direction, or the spooks where my 17hh becomes a 16hh which are super fun. I can ride these, I can ride his bucks (on the extremely rare occasion he decides one is needed) I’m a good rider for my level, I have made amazing progress and I still am. But here is my problem, I’m not an assertive person, I’ve just now gotten to the point where I’m comfortable kicking my horse when he needs a good kick because before I was afraid he would blow up (he’s never even tried). I get nervous when he gets a little fresh which is all new, I used to ride this horse in a halter and a lead rope around the farm. But about a year ago I had a really bad fall and it took my confidence level back down to almost nothing and I’ve been trying to build it back up but I’ve been having trouble doing it.

I need help finding ways to reassure myself and build my confidence back up. If that means taking everything back to basics I am so willing to do that I just don’t know how.

Thanks in advance, sorry for the novel[/QUOTE]

I think a lot of people go through exactly what you are experiencing now. It’s hard, but you aren’t alone. Last summer I switched trainers and arrived at my new barn with a lot of mental baggage. It’s taken time and patience to get over it, but we’ve made progress. About the time I moved, a thread showed up on the dressage forum about using mental imagery to help conquer your fears. The advice came from meupatdoes, and in my opinion was priceless. While I don’t think it will solve all your problems, it may help. Best of luck- you will get there!

http://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/showthread.php?406716-I-put-muzzle-on-the-Fear-Bird!-Using-guided-imagery-to-improve-my-riding&highlight=Muzzle+bird

[TheJenners]

I could have written your post OP :). A couple bad falls, a couple crappy horses, and bam. I don’t even like trail riding anymore, or riding outside of the fenced arena.

Your trainer should be able to help you, I know mine has, though it’s disheartening when she yelled at me during the last lesson that I was afraid of my horse and will never be able to ride him if I don’t kick :(. But I can see where she was frustrated because I was afraid to kick my big dumbblood, who was getting away with being a monster, who I then kicked and omg, he cantered and everything was fine. Duh. So we’re working on my confidence, and I can tell you that time off (from weather) really takes my confidence down a notch.

I’m getting a sign made that says “Quiet Your Mind.” It will help me relax, because I always run though the horrible what-ifs. What if he bucks, what if she spooks, what if he trips at the canter because he’s a giant clutz, what if I come off and get hurt and no one is here, what if what if what if. Horrible cycle.

[BITSA]

I also could have written your post OP–and have one of my own floating around. I have a horse who I fell off of in November (broke a hand bone and needed surgery). I have been terrified of riding past the viewing room, where she spooks. I am glad to hear you got some books, try to find something that works for you.

Three things that have helped me: deep brething and good mental imagry or riding past the viewing room just before me lesson. I picture me being tight with my outside rein and inside leg so that if she does spook I am ready.

Second, allowing myself to set myself up for success as my trainer calls it. If I want to not ride deep near the viewing room, and instead do a shoulder in, driving seat, riding down the quarterline, etc, that’s okay. What’s important are positive successes for me and the horse going past the viewing room.

Third, and someone described this earlier, lessons where my trainer keeps me so on my toes (just shouting out the jump instead of giving me a predtermined course), that I am forced to get out of my head so to speak. Turns out I can actually do it when I stop obesessing (and getting tense, which then makes my mare tense).

Oh–and I have also found that concentrating most on what makes me feel secure. i.e., heels down tight legs–helps a lot.

Give yourself some slack. I have cried in front of my trianer multiple times about not being good enough. She has sworn to tell me if at some point she concludes me and my horse arent a good fit. So far she hasnt. I have also asked her for positive feedback to go in my riding journal to help me focus on what went well instead of what didn’t. The journal is also good because its showing me that I really am getting better (after the 853 steps back I took when I fell).

You’ll get your mojo back. Just give yourself time and find some good techniques. You’re not alone.