Considering Euthanasia *Update* The Horse with 9 Lives

[barnesthenoble]

I had to put a beautiful, athletic TB gelding down three weeks shy of his 6th birthday after 18 months of rehabbing him for an undisclosed tendon injury and trying to get his body right. He’d been abused and manhandled by the owners who got him off the track, and on a bad day he was genuinely dangerous to handle. By the end he was pretty good, but I would never have trusted that horse with an inexperienced person and quite a few experienced folks–he was ready for a fight if he felt you were being unfair, and he was absolutely willing to come at you if he thought that was his only option.

Due to financial constraints, I never did the full workup that you did. Because he came to me with a track bow that was undisclosed and unhealed, and attempts at stall rest resulted in truly frightening behavior, he spent the rehab time just hanging out in a field. We ultrasounded the tendon to check for progress, and during that time we also did some knee rads (mysterious swelling, suspected chip–rads were clear. I had decided that if it was a chip that needed surgery, I would euthanize. I felt guilty at the time but knowing what I know now, I think it was just my gut screaming at me.), hoof rehab (his feet were atrocious), and miscellaneous other vet bills (like him managing to slice open his gums and pack the slice with foxtails in the span of 6 hours). The entire time 18 months I spent rehabbing the tendon, there was a niggling voice in the back of my head that something was really, really wrong. Unfixable wrong. When I expressed this thought, everyone insisted that it was just the feet, the tendon, he just needs fitness, etc. Mind you, these weren’t the folks handling this horse on a daily basis, but…I let myself be convinced. I ignored my gut and did what I could and hoped things would improve. If you weren’t looking hard, he seemed fine. He’d run around in the field, play with the other horses, eat, drink, poop, etc…but when he was resting, he always had a hind foot cocked, and would shift weight every minute or so. As soon as he stopped moving, he cocked a foot. He always had a slight grimace. His movement was just NQR. No amount of ulcer meds/hindgut meds/supplements could make him enthusiastic about grain.

It was a week after he was cleared to start trotting that I knew the tendon and the feet weren’t the problem. The constant shifting weight–he never stood square and he never stood evenly on both hinds–was getting worse, the movement was getting worse, his behavior was getting worse…and this was with a minute of trotting each direction. I sent him up to a trusted friend and hoofcare professional as a last ditch effort to see if maybe there was something I was missing about his feet or handling or something. She called me the next day and finally said out loud what I’d been thinking: whatever’s going on, this horse is in constant pain. I had a long conversation with her about finding the money to do a full work up, spending more $$$ I didn’t have chasing an answer, but she’d finally given me permission to hear what my gut had been saying: I could spend all the money in the world, and the answer would be the same. I decided to put him on bute for a week and put him down when I could come see him–I was 2 hours away and starting a new job, and I wanted to be there to say goodbye. My friend was willing to bury him on her property, she dug the hole on a Tuesday for the appointment on Saturday.

Wednesday afternoon, she calls me to tell me that he had run through her electric fence–he had some trouble with the hills at her place, we suspect he started running and couldn’t stop–and impaled himself on a large bush. She found him at the feeder, eating calmly, with a 2" wide branch sticking out of his chest. She put him down on the spot. The branch went about 18" into his chest cavity. To this day, I think that horse was telling me he didn’t want to wait one more day. I’m not a woo person, but I’m still convinced that he knew and he was ready.

In retrospect, we think he’d been flipped over by the previous owners multiple times. I also learned from his track trainer that he had two full brothers who had to be euthanized due to Wobbler’s. I’ll never know for sure. Only a handful of people know that I had planned to put him down before the accident. Of those, most were/are understanding and supportive, a couple were put off by it, and one person who I considered a friend truly believes I was going to murder this horse unnecessarily. That I was obligated to sink thousands of dollars I don’t have into diagnostics and treatment, or find this 17h young, powerful, and in some cases violent horse a home that would do them or retire him. It was ugly, and sad, and I hated to lose the friendship. But I believe to my core that I did the right thing by the horse, even if he ultimately made the decision for me. I will not be ashamed of that.

If I could go back in time, I would do things very differently–because I ignored my gut instincts that something was REALLY wrong for 18 months and allowed vets and other people to tell me I was overthinking it, that it was just this or that or the other thing. I don’t regret that I gave him the best final 18 months of his life that I could, and he died loved and cared for and having learned that people were safe instead of brutal. I could not have rehomed this horse in good conscience. But I regret the debt I put myself into and stress and negative consequences that had for me, personally. I regret dragging it out for as long as I did instead of listening to the voice in the back of my head that started saying “I think I know where this is going to end up” around month 2.

All this long post to say, if you’re thinking about it, it’s time. You know the horse better than anyone. If money is no object, and you really think you couldn’t bear to let him go without throwing every possible therapy at him, by all means, give it a shot…but at the end of the day, the horse doesn’t know a damn thing about tomorrow. He knows that his back hurts, he knows that he’s fed, he knows today. What you’re describing is not an animal that’s content just hanging out in his field. Sure, he’s not in blatant excruciating pain…but I don’t believe that’s a fair metric to use. Many, many people drag this decision out for so long, trying to beat back the inevitable. The only one that suffers for it is the horse. Better a day, a week, a month too soon than a moment too late.

So sorry you’re faced with this. Whatever you decide, this internet stranger supports you.

[McGurk]

Please go back and read your original post. Read it and pretend someone else wrote it and you’re giving them advice. The answer is there.

@Baysn_Blondes

There haven’t been many good days in the last year.

This horse has not just one, not just two, but THREE chronic medical conditions requiring treatment and maintenance. (Or is it four? Should we count the hocks?) Two of them (the EPM and KS) are likely to progress.

Frankly, even if you find the right cocktail of treatments to make the horse comfortable, I’m not sure I’d feel safe riding him. Because any time the horse so much as twitched, I’d wonder if it was the arthritis, the EPM, the KS or the ulcers.

Besides the overall emotional toll of considering euthing a non-geriatric horse, I think you’re falling victim to the “one more thing” fallacy. It’s very easy to do, and most vets tend to enable the behavior rather than saying “Wait a minute, does it really make sense to pursue this diagnosis/treatment?”

Whatever you decide to do, I would support you.

But I suspect you know euthing is the right thing to do; but that you’re struggling with making the final decision and picking the day.

Euthing this horse would be a kindness to the horse and a safety precaution, because it sounds like he needs a very experienced handler.

I felt tremendous guilt when I put down two seniors with multiple soundness issues because I didn’t pursue every veterinary option. But we’re not obligated to bankrupt ourselves to do what someone else thinks is right for our horses. It’s perfectly fine to say “I can pay for x and y, but I’m not going to pursue z.” Or “I can’t put anymore money into diagnostics for this horse.” We owe them good lives and good deaths, no more and no less.

6 months out from my decision, I realize I could have spent a lot of money, prolonged their poor quality of life, and ending up euthing anyway.

All the best to you. ((((Hugs))))

[Small_Change]

I admittedly haven’t closely read all the responses here, but I do want to say that what jumps out at me from your posts, @Baysn_Blondes, is that I think you are struggling more with how to explain the choice of euthanasia to those who will question you, rather than struggling with the decision itself.

I have the privilege of keeping my horses at home with a small group of like-minded boarders. Even so, I rarely discuss planned euthanasia with anyone before it happens, as people tend to make you second guess what you know in your heart is the right decision. Let me be clear - a humane, peaceful death is never, ever the wrong decision in the face of an animal’s physical, emotional or mental pain. Timing and age of the animal make it a hard decision, but it is never the wrong one.

You and your horse’s health care team have the clearest understanding of this particular situation. Well meaning people may offer up their two cents, but they are viewing the situation from a different lens without the full context. It isn’t wrong to ask a trusted friend or advisor for input, but do not feel you need to explain things to everyone who has ever had involvement with this horse.

If you need to, plan the appointment for a very quiet time, follow through quietly, and tell the rail birds something like, “It was time, and it is very difficult for me to discuss. Please give me space to grieve.” Anyone with decency should knock it off with questions.

Lastly, I don’t advocate for not telling the truth, but if you have to come up with something to get people off your back, catastrophic colic necessitates emergency euthanasia, and people generally don’t question it too much…

Once more, ensuring a kind, peaceful, humane death for our pets is never, ever wrong.

[Small_Change]

@McGurk

I felt tremendous guilt when I put down two seniors with multiple soundness issues because I didn’t pursue every veterinary option. But we’re not obligated to bankrupt ourselves to do what someone else thinks is right for our horses. It’s perfectly fine to say “I can pay for x and y, but I’m not going to pursue z.” Or “I can’t put anymore money into diagnostics for this horse.” We owe them good lives and good deaths, no more and no less.

This is not directed at you, @McGurk, but your comment made me think. I work as a registered nurse in a human ICU, and have been there more than 16 years now. It is vitally important to remember that when it comes to health care for humans or animals, that just because we can, doesn’t always mean we should. I will wholeheartedly advocate for putting a being through some measure of discomfort if we have a relatively good chance of ensuring a GOOD quality of life for them on the other side of things. Somehow though, we have come to the point in North America at which we feel we have failed if we don’t do literally everything humanly possible from a medical perspective. All to often, that doesn’t change the end outcome, but rather only prolongs the suffering and the dying process. Prolonging the death date without ensuring quality of life between now and then is NOT a win. The end of our journey is always the same, and it’s important to think about how we get there kindly and with dignity when we are making healthcare and end of life decisions for others, be they humans or animals.

[Lusoluv]

I was in a euthanasia decision struggle with myself a couple years ago, but it was over my dog. Don’t need to write a book here, but it was the “when the bad days outweigh the good days” scenario. When I found myself staring at the ceiling going over and over the pros and cons, I knew it was time. None of us take euthanasia lightly, so if you’re losing sleep deciding “when” is the right time, it’s probably come. Our animal friends don’t have the same rationale as we do. They’re either comfortable and content or not. It’s moment to moment. I’d much rather put my friend down on a good or decent day than when they’re not well or outright suffering.

When a boarder at my barn saw me sharing my grief with my friend, she came over and asked what was wrong. I said the same thing as I would if it had been my horse: “I had to put dear (pet name) to sleep, and I’m too upset to talk about it”. Of course I was sharing with a good friend so didn’t have to say much since she knew the backstory. But I certainly wasn’t going to go through the all details with an acquaintance. They got the hint…

[NoGreatMischiefAgain]

I can empathize with you here, so very much.

11 months ago I made the euthanasia decision for my 25-year old gelding who, on a good day, seemed perfectly normal, but on a bad day/s, could not walk straight and was withdrawn, anxious, and in obvious pain (which we managed medically as much as possible). We tried to get to the bottom of his sidewinder/neuro symptoms for almost 2 years, but at the end the bouts of “off” were more frequent and close together, and if he was mid-episode when the farrier was trimming him, it was obvious that he could no longer cope with having only one hind leg supporting his weight. His weight was still good, his coat shiny, and he was such a happy soul for the most part, however as we ran out of options I couldn’t in good conscience live with the possibility that his next episode might be catastrophic and he would be down in major pain and unable to get up. He was relieved of pain on a beautiful May day with the sun shining and his last morning grazing on lush grass and eating all the carrots and horse cookies. The ten days leading up to his last day were the worst of my life - knowing I would be ending his life after 20 years of partnership. He’d been retired since he was 9 and I fully expected he would be around for another 20 years until he started with the sidewinder symptoms.

Yes - he still had good days/weeks. But I wanted his last days to be good ones, and for him to go out in a dignified and controlled way. Keeping him alive would be for me - not for him. And I can not do that to a living soul. I am fortunate in that nobody questioned my decision, and while I know the barn owner would have loved for him to be around a little while longer, she respected my decision and was incredibly supportive, as was my veterinarian. An untrained eye, or someone who hadn’t seen his off episodes, would absolutely have grounds to question why I made the decision I did. But ultimately I had to live with myself and my decisions and if anyone questioned why I was euthanizing a seemingly perfectly healthy horse, I would have told them that I know him best and this was absolutely the right decision.

I am lucky in that I worked for my equine vets for 13 years (he’d been a patient of theirs for 17), so had a lot of support and affirmative opinions around me though it was impossible to work in the office for the few days leading up to the appointment. My experience aside, I will say that in all my years working for this veterinarian, there was only one instance where an horse owner had questionable motives in making the euthanasia decision. More often (thankfully not THAT often!) people would keep horses around who needed an easy and humane ending to their story, but their owners couldn’t bear to part with them… those are the people whose motives should be questioned, not those of us who know our horses best and know that we want a dignified and controlled end to our horses’ stories.

Major hugs and supportive vibes to you as you navigate this time - it is incredibly difficult but you are making the humane decision for your horse, and that’s the only relationship that matters. We are entrusted to make the right decision when the time comes - that’s the price we pay for all they do for us in their lifetimes.

[Baysn_Blondes]

Thank you all so much for your support, questions to ask myself, and for sharing your stories! It has really helped clarify the situation and helped alleviate many of my concerns. I was worried about how to tell other people, and even more worried about how to broach this with the vet. I don’t think they’d disagree with me, but I feel like I have a solid set of bullet points to explain my choice if needed.

I do not want to wait until there’s no option or he’s having a bad day, I want it (and him) to be peaceful and calm. If we get him riding again, I don’t want another rider getting hurt when he reacts unpredictably to his body’s limitations, and financially I have hit the limit of what I think a realistic, given he has multiple chronic conditions.

We have a lovely veterinary teaching college close by, I will contact them first to see if his body could benefit their program. If not, he will spend the next few weeks being spoiled rotten.

[2tempe]

I have posted this to others; we often forget or ignore what a situation like this does to the owner. Aside from the obvious checkbook thing, there is the stress of wondering if/when the next crisis will be, when the phone rings is it the barn calling, what should I do, what shouldn’t I do. Its very hard on most everyone. I hope with your decisions now laid out, you can get some peace of mind, and the weight lifted off your shoulders. Hugs.

[Speedy_Alice]

So very sorry; this is such a stressful and sad situation to be in. We used to say at vet school “It’s always too soon, until it’s too late.” For their sake, it’s so much better to avoid “it’s too late.” They have good days, and we feel guilty about euthanization when they are comfortable, but the flip side of that is waiting until they’re suffering so that we have no doubts making that decision, which isn’t fair to them.
Likely by now, the situation has progressed or changed; I hope things have gone peacefully for both of you.

[Baysn_Blondes]

In early June things came to a head a bit with my lease horse and his owner wanting him back, just as I was getting ready to leave for 3 weeks in Europe. I had the vets out to get a coggins and such so I could move my boy back to my barn and I had every intention of discussing euthanasia with the vets and getting a plan together for when I got back, my gelding had other plans though. Instead of the painful, sometimes aggressive horse he has been nearly every other time for the last months, he walked out of his pen the picture of health and was so relaxed and calm he literally fell asleep in the vets arms. It was a complete 180 on his previous behavior.

Seeing that, I decided he was comfortable enough that I didn’t need to make any immediate decisions and I would see where he was at when I got back. He was the same horse when I got back, calm, happy, no painful reactions even to fairly aggressive palpation; aside from a lack of fitness, he looks completely healthy. I’m taking things one day at a time, but I’ve started working on his rehab again, lunging, stretching, and working in the equibands. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but so far he seems happy to be back in work and hasn’t shown any signs of discomfort.

My working theory right now is that he got cast or fell at some point near the end of his EPM treatment and it’s just taken 8 months for whatever he did to fully heal, but without a time machine I doubt I’ll ever have an accurate answer.

[Ambitious_Kate]

I would not put long healing time for an injury off the table.

[McGurk]

What an amazing, wonderful update!

[Six_Pack_of_Ponies]

Sending you hugs and healing vibes… Such a kind response you provided, sharing your own loss of Two Snakes.

[Baysn_Blondes]

It was timely for this to come back up today. After about 2 months of groundwork I was able to bring my gelding back into work and for a few months everything seemed to be going great. He was getting stronger, his trot work was amazing, and he was a dream to work with.

Early December I felt like something was off so I moved back to groundwork but in January his back pain came back again. It got better, but never really went away, so I decided it was time to revisit my earlier question. Unlike last spring he seemed pretty content and comfortable and if the pattern holds should be coming into a good cycle, so long as there wasn’t pressure on his back so I was able to find him a wonderful retirement pasture where he can be a feral retired pony and we can reevaluate come fall.

We moved him today and the owners/managers were wonderful. Very attuned to his needs, experienced with neurological horses, and happy to give updates. We have a solid plan in place and I trust them 100%. He seemed thrilled at his new home too, excited, but not stressed, and settling in nicely with his friend. I know this is likely temporary, and I will have to make a decision if he gets worse, but at least I can give him a lovely, carefree retirement in the mean time.