Conversation with my horse

[horseshorseshorseshorses]

In my lesson Sunday:

Me: You are such a good baby horse. Look at how on the contact you are and is that rounding of your back I feel? So good!

O: I am such a good boy! Look how fancy and calm I am!

Lesson mate spooks at something on the other side of the arena

O: HOLY F***! THERE IS A COUGAR! LESSONMATE SAYS WE ARE GONNA DIE! MUST RUN!

Me: There is no cougar.

O: YES THERE IS OMG!!!

Me: I promise there is no cougar.

Loud noise in the aisle way

O: SEE A COUGAR! IT DOESN’T MATER THAT LESSON MATE IS NO LONGER FREAKING OUT! I MUST RUN TO SAVE US!!!

Me: sigh Fine baby horse lets canter but if you run off we are going to canter until I am tired.

O: I’m running, and running and running and running and running and running and running…Mom I’m getting tired.

Me: You used to run really fast at the track and for longer distances. Plus I am not tired yet.

O: You aren’t tired yet?

Me: Nope

O: Are you tired now?

Me: Nope.

Canters a quiet circle and bring him down to the trot

Me: Good baby horse. See no cougars and you got some bounce out of your legs.

O: Pants I pants Swear pants There was Pants A Cougar. pants

[Sueby]

About 3 years ago, I got a text from our barn manager relating to my gelding ‘stalking’ her once he figured out that her patio doors pretty much back onto his field (about a 10 foot buffer). He would wait until she walked by the sliding doors day after day, then start screaming at her and running around trying to get her attention. She felt her identity had been compromised and he was eventually moved to another pasture :lol: :lol:. She said it was funny at first but then was creepy because sometimes he’d just stare at the doors and she felt like he was putting a curse on her lol!

This is her version of that fateful day (his would probably wildly vary of course):

Gelding: Hmmm I sees hay lady in that big clear thingy. I sees you in there hay lady, I’s hungry!

No answer

Gelding: I says I sees you in there! I’S HUNGRY

No answer

Gelding: YOUS NOT LISTENING TO ME HAY LADY! HAY LADY! HAY LADY! HAY LADY! (now screaming and hopping)

Again… no answer

Gelding (decides to add some movement to attract her attention): HAY LADY! You sees me now? Why you not come out, I’S RIGHT HERE! HAY LADY! HAY LADY! HAY LADY! HAY LADY!

Manager opens slding door: Go away, it’s not feeding time, eat your grass.

Gelding: HAY LADY! There you is, yous late. I ready to eat.

Manager - closes the door

Gelding: She coming out now! I wait for hay lady. Nice hay lady always likes her.

waiting… waiting… waiting…

Gelding: HAY LADY yous forgotted me! HAY LADY! HAY LADY! HAY LADY! (now running around screaming)

Manager opening sliding door: Will you shut the F up!! You’re not getting food, EAT YOUR GRASS!!!

Gelding: There you is, food coming? Food coming now? Grass is yucky, need food hay lady.

[downen]

Completely Out of Shape Horse Mom (COSHM) to Completely Out of Shape WB Who Hasn’t Been Worked in Years (COSWWHBWY): Come on beast, it’s time to get our butts moving.

Puts beast on lunge. Beast proceeds to trot so slowly that it feels like the earth has stopped rotating.

Flicks whip at beast. COSWWHBWY: Grunt, tail swish, fart, and proceeds to trot three forward steps then resumes slow mo. “You offend me.”

COSHM: “Yeah, what evs. Since you clearly don’t have any evil intentions, I will climb on your massive back. Is it too much to ask you to stand still while I adjust my stirrups.”

COSWWHBWY: “No, must move. Oh, a cookie!” Bends telescopic neck back to receive treat.

COSHM: Clucks. “OK, let’s go!”

COSWWHBWY: “Sorry, too tired now. All that lunging, you know.”

COSHM: “I lunged you for five minutes! Now TROT.”

COSWWHBWY: Resumes slow mo trot. “OMG it’s a demon spirit!” i.e. sees his shadow. Proceeds to spook at the same spot EVERY time around… foot dragging trot, foot dragging trot, foot dragging trot, BOOT SCOOT, foot dragging trot…

COSHM: “I’m too tired and out of shape for this crap, let’s do leg yield.”

COSWWHBWY: “Now THAT I can handle! More cookies?”

COSHM: “Perhaps cookies are why I had to use the girth extension today.”

COSWWHBWY: “What evs. We done yet?”

COSHM: Sighs. “Yep done. I need a cookie.”

[ecileh]

This happened last night. I was working on leg yields from the quarter-line and one side of the ring had a line of jumps set up, so we had to complete the yield between them.

Me: Over please.
Quincy: Jump the vertical?
Me: No. Over please.
Quincy: Jump!
Me: NO. Over. Please.
Quincy: This is a bending line! We jump!
Me: We just did this 12 times at the trot and you didn’t want to jump it. OVER PLEASE.
Quincy: Cantering means courses! I’m a Jumper!
Me: We did the jumpers one summer, six years ago. GET. OVER.
Quincy: JUMP! THE! VERTICAL!

It ended with me basically sitting her down in front of said vertical so she didn’t actually jump it.

Quincy: You don’t have to be so nasty about it. Just say “over please” I’m not stupid, you know.

[Maythehorsebewithme]

My saintly boy:

Me (approaching jump): Distance is too long, shorten, put in extra. Distance is too short, lengthen, get the distance. No, shorten. No, lengthen. (Repeat last two about 5 times in 3 seconds)
Horse: Grab my mane, shut your eyes, and open them when you feel my front feet touch the ground.
Me: OK

[atlatl]

I arrive at the barn

Me: hello kids! I love you!

Gelding: Mom! I’ve missed you, do you have treats?

Mare: Good morning (insert upper class accent)

Me: Here’s a treat.

Gelding: num num num! Do you have more?

Mare: (takes it daintily) Why thank you!

Gelding: ride me first, ride me first!

Mare: Can I help you? Feel free to ride him first.

While riding:

Gelding: hey, watch what I can do. Let’s do changes, let’s do extended gaits. Oh, you really want me to sit, well if you insist. Hey! Look at that squirrel, OH, you want me to pay attention, really? Oh you really do want me to, well OK. Hey! Look at that!

Mare: What can I do for you? OK, I can do that. You touched me with the whip!!! Well, OK but only because you just touched me, don’t forget that I get quite offended if you actually hit me and I’m a lot bigger than you. If you ask nicely, I’m happy to oblige.

After riding:

Gelding: Hey, got any more of those treats? Can’t I have the whole apple instead of just biting it in have so SHE gets the rest? I love you so much!!!

Mare: Thank you for the 1/2 apple, even if it does have HIS slobber on it. Have a pleasant day, see you tomorrow.

[horseshorseshorseshorses]

I was schooling over fences with my old lease horse with my boyfriend watching. T (the horse) was pretty bad about taking off long and we were working on that.

T: I’m the best! I’m jumping and being good and having fun.

Me: Yup lets go to the training rolltop. Thats always fun!

T: Yes it is. We turn the corner Wait is that rolltop heading home? I wanna go home. Lets go home fast!

Me: No lets remember there is a - T takes off 1.5 strides out from the rolltop

Me to my BF as I am a passenger on a suicidal horse: This is dangerous…

We land safely but T almost trips and falls.

T: That was fun lets do it again!

[Bif]

Roscoe: We have movement at the house. Repeat, movement at the house.
Chestnut Number 6: Shut up.

Zeus: What’s she doing now? What’s she doing now?

Roscoe: Movement at middle barn. Repeat, movement at middle barn.

Chestnuts Number 2,4,5 and 6: Shut up!

Chestnut Number 1: It doesn’t count until she opens the door. She probably won’t even feed us. sob…

Max: Hey, she’s filling the grain cart. SHE’S FILLING THE GRAIN CART!!

Dark Bay: What? What’s going on, I can’t see!!

Zeus: Yeah, we can’t see, what’s she doing now?

Roscoe: Movement to big barn. Repeat, movement to big barn. Grain cart in sight. Grain cart in tow.

door rolls open… cue the nicker chorus

cue splashes

Max: Me me me me me me. YES!

Chestnut Number 1: Ok, we are getting fed today. But it means nothing about the future.Please step away from my feeder. I won’t eat until you do.

Roscoe: Hurry, me, hurry, me, hurry, me…

Chestnut Number 2: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. YES!

Trouble: Ha, me next. YES!

Chestnut Number 3: FEED ME!! DAMN IT!! bang

Roscoe: YES!

Appaloosa: Don’t forget me. Don’t forget me.

Chestnut Number 3: Now! YES! bang

Apaloosa: Don’t forget me!..gup…oops. Thank you.

Jones: Thank you. (Slug! Stupid slow humans…)

Chestnut Number 8: What is taking so long?? What is taking so long?

George: YEAH, HURRY!!

Chestnut Number 4: Glum num, swallow Haven’t you all noticed that our food has those other pellets? And our joints feel better? She has to add a joint supplement, and Max get’s extra stuff, and… anyway, it just takes longer.

Chestnut number 6: One thing has nothing to do with the other! Joint supplement?? Freak. Hurry, stupid human. HURRY! thanks.

---

Zeus: Take your time. I’d like the sweet feed, please. Just a bit of pellets. Well, that’s fine, whatever. Are we getting hay before we go out? Aren’t all those Chestnuts insane? I mean, I’m chestnut and I don’t act like that. Oh, yes, some of the powder, thanks. Thank you, excuse me while I eat this before… well, you know, anyway, thanks.

---

Dark Bay: Feed me before I bang the door off. I’ll do it! Don’t think I won’t!

Chestnut Number 8: What is taking so long?!?!

Chestnut Number 7: This is disgusting! SPPPPTT!! sling sling sling

George: Me now, me now? Me? Oh, thank you tiny human.

Human: sigh

[Jackie_Cochran]

Thank you all for the good laughs!

[4LeafCloverFarm]

Our appaloosa gelding Jazz used to liberate himself from his pasture. Typically didn’t go farther than the front yard. But once, he decided to peruse the neighborhood, and I think got lost (ok, so he’s not the sharpest pencil in the box). Anyway, he disappeared on a Saturday - we looked everywhere, stopped at neighbors - no one had seen him. So Monday, I’m on my way to work, drive past a pasture used for a neighbors Angus (about a mile from us) and think I see something in a tiny shed in the pasture…

Me: What was that in that shed… didn’t look like a cow. (stopping and backing up Suburban for a better look)

Jazz: OMG OMG OMG!!! Did they see me? Is that M O M M Y!?!

Me: Yep, there’s Jazz, in the shed. Thank goodness! But, dammit, I going to me late for work.

Jazz: M O M M Y! Save me PLEASE! These big black things smell funny, and they burp and fart and OMG please SAVE ME! (he’s whinnying at me frantically)

Me: Jazz, hold on. I have to drive back home and get your halter and lead rope.

Jazz: NNNnnnnnnoooooo… don’t leave me!

Me: I promise I’ll be back as soon as I can. But I’ll have to walk back, so it’s going to be a while.

Jazz: You can’t leave me with these HUGE alien creatures… they may eat me!

Me: You’ll live. Maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to go on your little trip!

(I turn around, drive back to my farm, get halter and lead rope, call my boss, tell them I’ll be at least an hour late to work, then walk back to the pasture where Jazz in hold up in the little shed.)

Me: I see you are still alive!

Jazz: Barely! These creatures are scary I tell you!

Me: You’re not coming out of that shed are you? (as I walk from the pasture gate about 100 yards to the tiny shed)

Jazz: Nope! Those black alien creatures are all over the place. I’m telling you, they are EVIL!

Me: (Laughing) Oh Jazz, silly horse. They won’t hurt you. Well, I hope you’ve learned something

Jazz: (as I put on halter) I promise mommy, I’ll never run away again! I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.

Me: Come on, lets go home.

Jazz: Are you SURE it’s safe out there? (won’t budge)

Me: I promise, you’ll be fine. Lets go home, I’ve got to get to work!

And we walked all the way home. Silly horse. He never, ever ran off again. Some good samaritan must have seen him near the road and put him in the cow pasture to keep him safe. There’s no residence where this pasture is, which explains why no one knew he was in there. And I never would have seen him tucked back in that shed had I not been looking directly at it as I passed by.

[CanteringCarrot]

On a short hack:

Horse: can I stop for some grass? It’s sooo green out here.

Me: No we don’t graze while riding, only when in hand. Walk on.

Horse: proceeds to do angry Spanish walk as an invasion

Me: Why are you like this?

After the minor dispute we continued our pleasant hack. That springtime grass tho.

On bute:

Horse: oh no, oh no, no, no, no the white syringe!

Me: In the mouth it goes!

Horse: swallows ew ew ew, I can’t even continue eating my hay it now tastes like bute. Blech.

Me: you hurt yourself, you get the bute. Eat and the taste will go away!

[Supakwe]

This is the story of my gelding who is fearless. Seriously. He takes absolutely everything so well and at most just needs to take a good look at something new and “scary” then gets over it and carries on business as usual.

Yesterday
Gelding: sees barrel stood up with opened side facing the ground Ah yes, I know what this is. This is not threatening and I am totally okay with its presence. Mom makes me go over this and it’s pretty alright. Carry in, folks.

Trainer: tips barrel on its side with opened top exposed (I don’t remember why it got moved)

Gelding: shivering with fear What. The. F***. Lady. Do you see that? What is it? Where did it come from? Why aren’t you doing anything about this??!

Me: It’s fine, we’ve jumped this a million times before. It just looks a little different but I promise it’s the same lots of scritches and pats, encourages him to move forward

Gelding: No no no no no no no panics and shoots backwards at warp speed

Me: Sigh. Okay then. You’re not normally like this so I’ll give you a break. 10 min trying to get closer (we make minimal progress)

Trainer: Tips barrel back to its original position because she’s tired of this and it’s now our lesson time

Gelding: Yes, this is fine. Let’s go, lady!

​​​​​​----

Today:
Me: Okay brother, let’s do this. We’re going to face your out of the blue fear. This is all we are going to do today.

Gelding: Okay.

We approach the barrel, positioned in terror pose

Gelding: Oh cool, this is new. Let’s smell it. Smells alright. What are we doing here? Please feed me.

Me: Seriously? Kicks barrel, rolls it around, throws sand at it, does everything possible to make it scary

Gelding: I eat now? I like you, lady.

​​​​​​Me: … Okay then. I love you too.

[Rackonteur]

[demidq]

Barn manager lived over the barn.
Gets out of bed
Chestnut Mare: I heard you tip toeing up there! WHAM (kicks stall wall)
Toilet flushes
CM: I heard that! WHAM
Door to bedroom closes
CM: I heard that! WHAM
Rolls over in bed
CM: I heard that! WHAM!

[carman_liz]

Lmao I think I am your mare!!! I love that phrase!!

[carman_liz]

Uploading: 20180329_190725.mp4…

Actual conversation with my Katerbug a yr or so before she passed, idk why I felt the need to repeat everything that day, but it still makes me laugh! The gleam in her eyebsays it all!