Conversation with my horse

[Xeeboo]

This is me and my horse in a nutshell. What conversation do you have with your horse?

Me: I love you. Nothing makes me happier than watching you nap in the sun. Do you like our boarding barn?

Horse: I love you too! Thank you so much. The hay is great and I’m very comfortable here.

Me: Awesome! What do you think of our custom saddle, top notch veterinary and farrier care, your massage therapist and all the grass walks?

Horse: Oh my stars… I’ve never felt better in my life. My coat is shiny and I’ve got a swing to my step. Life is good!

Me: I’ve been working really hard on my seat and aids.

Horse: I can tell! I really appreciate your effort and in return I’ll always try my best to take care of you. You complete me.

Me: Can we talk about a teensy bit more collection and shorter rein?

Horse: F**k you.

[cloudy18]

Me: I love you. Nothing makes me happier than watching you throw your head in the air and trot around like a brat. Do you like your living arrangements?

Mare: F*** you.

Me: I’ll ignore that. What do you think of the many ways I pour money into you?

Mare: F*** you!

Me: Sigh. Whatever. I’ve been working really hard on my aids and staying off of your face.

Mare: You still suck. F*** you!

Me: Can we talk about your bad attitude and nasty mouth?

Mare: F*** you

[Palm_Beach]

@cloudy18 - that is hysterical. That was me yesterday when my horse, who was brilliant all day, decided he had had enough and really blew the last ranch riding pattern.

[sascha]

Mare: Minion! Minion! If I could snap my fingers at you I would. I can see you in there with my boyfriend (she can see the arena from her stall) and want you to know that you have forgotten me. You’ve left me in my housecoat (post bath) and haven’t even offered a nice glass of red while I wait. This is unacceptable! You need to get in here right now and attend to my needs!" (Her every need has been met)

Me: (literally shouting back at her for shouting at me) I can HEAR you! Shut the hell up!

Mare: (continued barking, seriously she’s like a yappy dog at times, about all the lack of attention she’s feeling so sad blah blah blah)

Me: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU ARE FINE

Fast forward to her turn to come out and work

Me: Shall we play?

Mare: Yes, I’ve been looking forward to this!

Comes out of stall, wanders off to go visit her friends

Me: Really

Mare: What?

Me: I thought you wanted some attention

Mare: What? No. I just wanted to be in the arena at the same time as my best boyfriend. You really need to learn to ride both of us at once. You’re kind of a failure, really.

Me: What do you least like working on because that’s what we’re working on today lol

[cutter99]

@cloudy18

Me: I love you. Nothing makes me happier than watching you throw your head in the air and trot around like a brat. Do you like your living arrangements?

Mare: F*** you.

Me: I’ll ignore that. What do you think of the many ways I pour money into you?

Mare: F*** you!

Me: Sigh. Whatever. I’ve been working really hard on my aids and staying off of your face.

Mare: You still suck. F*** you!

Me: Can we talk about your bad attitude and nasty mouth?

Mare: F*** you

I think that is a mare thing!

[Xeeboo]

LOL! My gelding tells me to F**k off way more than my mare ever did.

[2DogsFarm]

Me(finally getting around to working horses after 4mo “sabbatical” for all):

Riding TWH - who has decided not to add his patented TeleSpook & is actually going nicely, somewhat surprising, but I’ll take it! - “Good boy! Cookies in your future for sure! Shall we try stepping off in trot? Wow! You did it! Gooooood boy!”
He hears:
“Blah blah blah Cookies blah blah”

Hackney pony observing from his stall:
“I hear Cookies! Me too!!”

However, when TWH has been untacked & fed his well-earned treat, & I grab pony’s halter for his 10-minutes-on-the-longe…
“Adios, Sucker!”
Sigh, at least he self-exercised, trotting around to avoid me & halter :rolleyes:

Mini - can’t see from inside the stall he shares w/Walker, but knows the “C” word:
"Me!Me!! Pick ME!!!
Willingly does his10min grounddrive, gets cookies, makes NeenerNeener face at pony.

All 3:
“That ought to hold her for a while”

[shiloh]

LOL! Thanks guys, these are all so funny and definitely right on. I love when people tell me horses have no personalities. Clearly not true. My horse was such a drama king and just about the vainest animal I ever met. These conversations remind me so much of him.

[4LeafCloverFarm]

Spring mane trimming day was last Friday. Got the appaloosa done (no halter, no treats - just standing in his paddock), with the welsh pony watching. Finish and headed toward the pony… (actually out loud conversation by me, paraphrasing for the pony)

Me: Hey Bud pony! Its your turn now!

Pony: HELL no! You have pointy things in your hand, and I don’t like pointy things.

Me: It’s okay Bud, it will just take a minute.

Pony: (as he trots off) pointy things are bad, pointy things are bad, pointy things are bad…

Me: Oh, come on bud, don’t run away! I have cookies!

Pony: (comes to screeching halt, turns head toward me, ears pricked) COOKIES?!? Did you say cookies???

Me: You get a cookie if you’re good. Now come on Bud, you’ll feel so much cooler without all that hair!

Pony: (lets me get three steps away) Nope! Pointy things outweigh cookies. Pointy things are bad, bad, bad… (as he trots off)

Me: <sigh> Okay Bud, we’ll try again at dinner.

At dinner he just stood there, no muss, no fuss - no halter either - while I trimmed his forelock, mane and tail. Silly pony!

[billiebob]

Actual description of my ride this morning –

Horse: what if I spook at other horses today

Me: No (applies spur into left side when horse literally won’t move because another horse came into the ring)

Horse: OMG WHUT WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

Me: No. How about a shoulder-in?

Horse: Nooooooo can’t do it too hard gonna do a half pass instead (horse is running sideways at this point)

Me: (sighs) let’s school lengthenings and medium canter instead since you like those.

Horse: FAST DRESSAGE I AM THE GREATEST HORSE ALIVE

Me: ok but you have to slow down.

Horse: I won the race!

Me: …we’re not racing your draft cross friend who’s only walking?

Horse: I won!

Me: sure you did (rolls eyes)

P.S. I own a very dramatic gelding.

[Wanderosa]

With leased gelding:

Horse: Why are YOU here? It’s Monday.

Me: I had to take off work for an appointment in the afternoon. So, we’re joining your mom and brother for a hack.

Horse: (dramatic sigh) Fiiiine. Wait. Why didn’t you bring the human-foal treat dispensers today?

Me: It’s a school day.

Out in field where he launches himself over a tiny brook.

Me: That was a tad excessive, eh? This is not Rolex.

Horse: I’m an eventer.

Me: You refused to go prelim. That’s why your mom got you.

Horse: Do you even RIDE, bruh?? (Startles at a bird.) OMG! It’s an alien attack drone!!

Me: No. it’s a turkey vulture. (Turning him to face them) See, there’s a second one on the fence. And FYI - there’s a loose fox hound.

Horse: I hunt. I’m cool. Sort of. (whispers)…help me!..

Heading back towards the barn with me chit chatting with his mom about an upcoming dressage clinic.

Horse: Oh! We do clinic?

Me: Maybe. Depends if I have the money.

Horse: Clinic!!! I like to fancy prance. Last clinician said I looked like a $500k horse. Remember?? I showed off my extended trot. I’m gangsta.

Me: Gangsta?

Horse: If we do musical freestyle, I want to enter the ring to Gangsta’s Paradise. Ok? You need to make that happen.

Me: Ok…I’m sure we wouldn’t be the first to enter a dressage ring to Coolio…You ought to learn to Spanish walk. It would look impressive.

Horse: I’m from New Zealand. That would be cultural appropriation.

Back in his stall watching me leave

Horse: Dressage clinic! Get me new brushing boots. Fancy leather ones. Ok?

Me: Arghhh. You don’t need $200 white leather boots. No one needs those!

Horse: See you tomorrow. We will fancy prance. Ok?

[Rackonteur]

@Wanderosa

With leased gelding:

Horse: See you tomorrow. We will fancy prance. Ok?

:lol:

[quietann]

This is from last winter, when my mare got weirdly sensitive to static electricity and just developed a general dislike of being groomed and especially of being blanketed. For whatever reason, she was better this year. (Tying her in the stall was not an option last year… though this year I was able to tie her, which caused a lot of stink-eye but no complete freakouts.)

Feronia: munch munch munch

Me: Curry curry curry

Feronia: munch munch munch

Me: brush brush brush

Feronia: munch munch munch

Me: (swap brushes) brush brush bru…

Feronia: OMG YOU ARE BRUSHING ME!!! EEEEKKK! MUST GO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!

Me: get her turned around, grab her tail, brush brush brush

Feronia: OK you have my tail so I can’t go anywhere. Munch – stink-eye – munch – stink-eye – munch

Then I rode her bareback and she was very good, and comfy as usual because her back is broad and her spine doesn’t stick up.

Return to stall …

Feronia: munch munch munch

Me: Brush brush brush

Feronia: munch munch munch

Me: Grab rainsheet to turn her out in, because it’s supposed to start raining soon. Throw it over her.

Feronia: munch – stink-eye – munch – stink-eye – munch … OMG YOU ARE TRYING TO FASTEN THE FRONT CLIPS!!! EEEEKKK! MUST GO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!

Me: grab her halter and lead rope, put it on, turn her around so her nose is by her hay again.

Feronia: wellllll OK … munch – stink-eye – munch – stink-eye (while I fasten the front clips) and then munch munch munch (while I fasten the belly straps).

I turned her out, and she went back to munch munch munch.

Remember, kiddies, horses are half-ton rabbits.

[peedin]

Xeeboo, that’s exactly what my mare would say, except instead of FU, she would say “time to crib!”

[Holly_Jeanne]

3 mares in pasture: Your slave is here! We are going to go mug her for cookies.

Mare: Yeah, whatever. I’ll be there when I get there.

Me: Come on Scruffy, I have a snack for you.

Mare: On my own time. You need to go get more cookies so there are some left by the time I get there.

Me: Hurry up! (while feeding cookies to the other 3 mares)

Once caught and in the ring grooming:

Mare: Don’t touch me! You know I hate to be groomed! Ick, ick! Stop!

Me: Well, if you don’t want to be groomed so much, don’t roll in the mud!

Mare: Seriously? I need my spa treatment.

Once tacked up

Mare: Ok, let’s do a fast walk. Oh wait, I need to look out the door to make sure my pasture friends are watching to see how great I look.

Me: They’re watching. You don’t need to look out the door.

Mare: Yes I do. What if Hermione is out there? (pig) That would be really scary!

Me: But you see her everyday as she ambles past the pasture. The other day you stood by the gate on one side while she stood on the other.

Mare: That’s different. If she sees me running, she might think I’m prey and chase me.

Me: Don’t be silly. She can’t run.

Mare: Let’s trot now.

Me: No we need to warm up at the walk first.

Mare: Sigh.

Finally trotting:

Mare: Let’s lengthen now. I’m so cool when I lengthen.

Me: Yeah, let’s do that!!

Done riding:

Mare: You are brushing me again!! Stop it!

Out at the pasture gate:

Mare: More cookies. I deserve more than this. What do you mean you are giving some to the other 3 mares? They didn’t work for them. I still get more than them, right?

Me: OF course! I love YOU!

Mare: Hey this was fun. Let’s do this again tomorrow.

Next day: Your slave is here! Let’s go get cookies.

Mare: Whatever.

[4LeafCloverFarm]

This would make an excellent coffee table book “Conversations with my Horse”.

[MissCoco]

Here’s one I’ve been getting lately:

Me: B! whistles

B: looks up, dead pan stare, no movement I can see you and hear you, and I want you to know I am ignoring you
goes back to snacking

Me: whistles B! Come here
(the other horses have already approached the gate and are begging for snacks)

B: takes one step towards me Just remember, I am not listening to you, it’s just a coincidence that I’m moving towards you right now.

Me: B! Come on! I have cookies!

B (to me): walks right over and lets herself be caught oh hey! why didn’t you say you had cookies? I could have strained myself to get here sooner if I’d known I would get my just desserts.
(In the meantime she’s lording it over the other horses that she’s the one who gets snacks, despite being the only one who didn’t come immediately when called :lol:)

[Haylter]

Gelding “mmmm gotttzz deesh(anything and everything) in muh mouff suck slurp pull wind suck”

Me “STOP IT you know I can’t stand that disgusting sound”

Gelding “otay” for 2 seconds…repeat

Mare “hi boootifulll momma… me hungry”

Me “hi bootifullll…your hay bag is full…I got nuttin but luv for you” kiss cheek

Mare “must eat something” snap teeth at air

[sorrelfilly721]

Me: I need to get those hairs off your bridle path

B: There is no way in H**l you are putting those buzzing things anywhere near my head

Me: It’ll just take a second. You won’t even notice

B: Horses have DIED from those things biting them. Not a chance.

Me: Look, I’m just gonna slowly reach up here and buzz off a couple hairs

B: AHHHHHH – I’m being attacked! Throws self on ground thrashing.

Me: GET. UP.

B: Don’t come near me with those. I’m going down…

Me: I have snacks if you come touch these clippers

B: Snacks??? Where did you want to clip me? Hang on, lemme drop my head on the ground so you can get the inside of my ears. Why didn’t you SAY you had snacks??

[Wanderosa]

@Rackonteur

:lol:

lol. When I first started on him I worried he’d be bored. But he loves dressage! He’s schooling 4th level and a little PSG. He’s quite particular and I swear he likes getting dressed in fancy tack and showing off.