Dealing with Chatty Cathys

[OverandOnward]

I have an idea. Barns can set up a tall 5’ 6" post, like a fence post, at strategic places in the barn. Put a face on it (a Mr. Potato Head face is fine). The endless-talkers can talk to that.

@Scribbler

Fortunately they are fairly rare,

NO. THEY AREN’T. Rare enough, that is.

Maybe I live where the culture rather indulges this behavior. The joking term “she would talk to a post” is actually a back-handed compliment, because it is considered ‘good’ to be friendly, outgoing, and socially adept. You are supposed to verbally welcome everyone and make them feel included. Some people are better at that than others.

Being outgoing is to take an interest in other people. Truly develop a mutually-beneficial friendship.

The the real “talk to a post” people do actually behave as if they are talking to a literal post. As the listener, a post would do just as well as a person.

@Scribbler

I do think the situation of parallel hobby tasks with no immediate oversight throws us into having to deal with problem people directly without any institutional controls, and also that the “free space” of the barn can free problem people up to be less regulated. It’s pretty clear to me that many of our barn members are at the barn to talk endlessly more than to ride.

This is really insightful. It does explain why it can be difficult to escape / regulate these folk in the barn.

[Scribbler]

I had a lot of rural relatives, older generation, when I was a kid. When they would visit us they’d just pick up interminable decades long narratives and assume every least thing that happened to Family was of interest. We didn’t talk about family to Outsiders though. However, I can see how if you didn’t have that prohibition, living in a very family and clan based community might foster the notion that you could just hop right in with TMI and daily minute details with any stranger who didn’t or couldn’t bolt. A prelude to yes, as a Canadian who lived in the Southern US a for a few years, I’d agree that you could get your ear talked off by strangers who were not the least bit interested in you (except maybe to ask what church you attended).

I’ve also noticed that as people age, if their lives contract a bit, the same basic extroversion can turn from charming to major bore. A teen excited about her life, a young mother full of cute stories about her children, a middle aged woman complaining about her job, an older woman who can only talk about her digestion and diagnoses: it gets progressively less charming.

[fledermaus]

This thread reminds me of two women I used to trail ride with. One of them never and I mean never stopped talking. It was kind of stream of consciousness: “I wonder what those little blue flowers are called? And now my butt itches does yours ever itch when you’re riding I think those might be violets but it isn’t the season for violets is it, aren’t they more of a spring flower? but they have that color, violets are supposed to be edible …”

The other one was hard of hearing, and for the duration of the ride she would take out her hearing aids! Which I didn’t realize for a long time.

Unfortunately I don’t need hearing aids, and eventually I learned to ride far enough behind them that I couldn’t make out any of the words.

[endlessclimb]

@fledermaus

for the duration of the ride she would take out her hearing aids

This is genius. I like this person already

[PaddockWood]

One of the things I hated about boarding was chatty, opinionated boarders. You’ve got to tell them how it is.

You go to the barn for meditation, silence, be with your horse. Anyone who annoyed me I’d make it real real clear I was not interested in talking.

Draw a line in the sand now.

[sascha]

@PaddockWood

You go to the barn for meditation, silence, be with your horse. Anyone who annoyed me I’d make it real real clear I was not interested in talking.

I’ve had two compulsive talkers in different aspects of my life for several years now. If the above advice works, it’s great. However, the only thing I’ve found more annoying than compulsive verbal diarrhoea is a compulsive talker who is actively demonstrating the difficulty of bottling it up or being quieter or just not sharing every damn thing.

I’d rather walk away or put headphones on than be subject to (no fault of their own) really bad acting/mime of someone who can’t be quiet and live with their own thoughts internally trying to do exactly that. Painful.

[Djones]

@paintedpennypony

How do you know if you’re a chatty Cathy? Like how do you identify this behavior in yourself?

Do you talk to listen to the other person? Or do you talk to talk?

Do you tailor your questions to your audience or just pop them out and keep talking?

Do you actively read the other person’s non verbal signals to gauge their interest (or attempts to flee lol)

When you end a conversation, what do you think about? Is it about what you said, or what you heard?

[endlessclimb]

Do your conversations with this more-or-less stranger last longer than 5 minutes MAX?

If yes, you’re a chatty cathy, at least in respect to the barn.

[fivestrideline]

Yep, when you(g) think of conversations you’ve had (outside of work), what was the other person’s contributions? One or two word answers? Was it a pretty equal back and forth, or did you do most of the talking? Was the topic of conversation actually relevant or did you go on ramble?

Some people attempt to “relate” or show they’re listening by telling tangential stories about themselves or their experiences. Some people over-explain in an attempt to be clear. These can come across as being a Chatty Cathy (or Bulldozer Bob) when the other person didn’t exactly sign up to be part of the conversation or is actively trying to move on.

Some people don’t naturally read social cues well. I’m one of those - ADHD actually can contribute to this (along with other things). That’s okay though, because it’s actually just a skill that can be practiced like anything else.

[endlessclimb]

Or the One-Upper.

You: “I had such a horrible day, I can’t wait to ride and relax.”
Them: "Ha, get in line. You should hear about mine, and [how much more horrible it was than yours].

Or.

You: “I’m so sad, my dog just died.”
Them: “My dog, my parrot, and my goldfish died just a month ago.”

That drives me NUTS.

[OverandOnward]

As to knowing if one is the endless talker, I thought of a clue … totally unscientific with no basis, but thoughts from life experience.

The #1 to me — Are you both verbally participating, maybe not equally, but both have stretches of expressive verbal time? Check in on that during every conversation.

Conversation is about taking turns. If you find it hard to be quiet and let the other person talk, let them fully express what they want to say, then you might be a dominating talker.

If they aren’t volunteering, any thoughts of their own, they have probably checked out of the conversation mentally.

Ask their opinion about something. Ask a basic question, even informational. Sometimes it is “breaking the ice,“ letting them hear their own voice to make them comfortable to continue speaking.

The other person might take the conversation in another direction. You might be left with things you wanted to say, but the topic changed. And they might go on for a bit themselves, beyond your interest in whatever they are saying.

That has to be ok as part of conversation. They may have felt the same about you!

If the other party is not saying much, just “uh” and “I see” and such, that’s a flag that it’s time to slow down. Even be quiet. They aren’t interested and are being minimally polite.

If they aren’t making eye contact and are repeatedly walking away and back on little tasks, while not engaging, likely real interest isn’t there.

Truly outgoing people who are liked by others ask questions and listen well to the answers. Just the simplest things. Did you grow up around here? I thought Jane‘s new saddle is really nice, have you seen it? Do you do any trail riding, or just focus on showing? Anything is fine. It doesn’t have to have a point. And it can lead back to some thing you are interested in.

You won’t lose friends by talking less to them. It’s the opposite. You may gain some. Even allow acquaintances to become friends.

They don’t dislike you, just one-sided talking. They just want respect for their own preferences in conversation. As soon as they get that, they are happy with you.

[OverandOnward]

One more thought —

In case it is a topic issue, more than a talking issue — that is, you would like to discuss certain things that no one around you is interested in discussing, or not discussing with you — you need to find a different audience with interests more similar to yours.

Find other people having the interest and background in what you are interested in. Or even who are more politically aligned. You’ll get a lot more satisfaction from a different set of people.

[Salty]

I once paid a monthly fee to ride at a covered arena. I’d go there every day after work because I could hack to it from where my horse lived.

One evening as I was riding, the owner said, “Kiddo! You’re going to have to get your stuff out of the tack room!”

After looking around for this kiddo and realizing that it was me, I told her that I understood, as the tack room was small, but I didn’t have anything in the tack room.

She then said that I didn’t spend enough time talking to her. That I only came to ride my horse and therefore was not welcome to come back. Well, alrighty, then! Bye now!

All the Chatty Cathys and Talky Todds need to ride at that place!

[Scribbler]

@sascha

@PaddockWood

You go to the barn for meditation, silence, be with your horse. Anyone who annoyed me I’d make it real real clear I was not interested in talking.

I’ve had two compulsive talkers in different aspects of my life for several years now. If the above advice works, it’s great. However, the only thing I’ve found more annoying than compulsive verbal diarrhoea is a compulsive talker who is actively demonstrating the difficulty of bottling it up or being quieter or just not sharing every damn thing.

I’d rather walk away or put headphones on than be subject to (no fault of their own) really bad acting/mime of someone who can’t be quiet and live with their own thoughts internally trying to do exactly that. Painful.

It’s likely easier in a barn to walk away and ignore. If they are at work or in your living room, perhaps rattling the newspaper and chuckling or exclaiming out loud to themselves, or doing big sighs and groans, it’s really irritating.

[atlatl]

My most interesting experience with a chatty Cathy was standing in line at a Nordstrom Rack. Think long single line going to multiple registers.

I’m minding my own business, looking forward when the gal behind me says something about hoping her kid likes what she picked out for him. I turn around (mistake) and say, I’m sure they will be happy to get something. I turn back around and she asks me some question, so I face her again (mistake) and answer her question and turn back around. She rambles on for the next 5 minutes and eventually gets to where she’s talking about churches and the new church she’s going to and how her friend recommended it. Then she asks me which church I go to. So I turn around, look her in the eye and say “I usually just get naked, sacrifice a black rooster, dance around and call it a night.”

The guy in line behind her about died laughing, and she just about died period. After a minute of blissful silence, she says that she didn’t think that was funny and that she gets chatty when she’s anxious and had left her meds in the car. I offered to hold her place in line so she could go get them, she declined the offer and by then I was able to check out.

[Rackonteur]

@Scribbler

we are wide open to small children, we also recognize that letting small children chatter endlessly is crucial to their cognitive development, and as long as it’s happy chatter, rather sweet (I don’t have children so I am guessing here that happy chatter is happy back ground noise compared to crying and tantrum

I don’t have children either – thank goodness! – and there is nothing at all sweet about any chatter, happy or not. And the cognitive development of other people’s children is not my responsibility, as I am not a nursery school teacher ( thank goodness).

[endlessclimb]

@atlatl

she gets chatty when she’s anxious and had left her meds in the car. I offered to hold her place in line so she could go get them

[PaddockWood]

Channel your inner Clint Eastwood at the barn when needed. That expression like you’ve got a migraine.

My friends knew if I was in the saddle I wasn’t talking. I was with my horse. Sure, out hacking I’m game - let’s catch up. But barn time. In my stall grooming. My sacred time with my favorite animal on this planet?

I’m caring and connected but give me an annoying person and it’s Clint right away.

[aregard]

@OverandOnward

If you just stick to a big grin and sing out “Hey how are YOU!” with enthusiasm and no question mark tone at the end ,

Even better, “Hey, good to see you!” and keep going.

[pony_grandma]

@atlatl GREAT story!! Made my hardy laugh of the day. We all need to entertain the masses patiently waiting in line.