I’m going to quote to emphasize this, then add to it:
Don’t get upset at yourself. Because young horse will sense the frustration, regardless of where it’s directed. You need to shut all emotion out.
Perfection is what dressage pursues, but we all know we will never be perfect. You need to embrace the imperfections as part of the journey. 
I keep this in mind as much as I can. There are days when I’m not in a good mindset after work (ie- I’m already frustrated or anxious enough to be wary of piling anything else on), so I choose to just groom or bodywork him and we wander around outside together. His scheduled days off each week are during the work week to minimize this problem. I’d like to trail ride more, but we’ve had some big spook’n’spins on the trail and I don’t usually have another rider to go out with on week days for safety.
I should qualify that by “perfect” I mean, “I can’t find fault in it.” There are movements we can do well enough much of the time that I couldn’t easily pick out anything wrong at my level of training and my realistic expectations for this horse.
Initially, I didn’t have this problem. When I first brought him home and we struggled to even steer, I had times when he had me laughing so hard I became ineffective in the saddle until I recovered. The better we get (and closer to debuting in public), the more I expect of us both. I just need to chillax… as many of you have said. 
Riding HC at shows solved this for me. I still did the prep and hard work but the pressure sort of went away.
I do want to state that this sport attracts perfectionism–anything on which you are judged from a scale of 1-10 attracts perfectionism, so don’t be too hard on yourself for it.
You cannot compare your performance at home with your performance at a show. Two different locations (usually) and lots of different distractions. Unless pony is used to working in lots of different locations, it’s probably going to be a Big Deal, at least to him. Treat each show like a new learning experience. Simple goals for the first show (stay in ring, some approximation of the right gait at the right time - those are good goals!). Goals for the second show are to improve on the first show in some respect. Maybe he’s less ‘reactive’. Maybe you’re less reactive. Maybe you make better circles. Maybe he doesn’t scream in the middle of your test this time.
Always remember to look back some period of time and see what’s different. Since you’ve only had him 4 months, what’s better than it was 2 months ago? After a year, what’s better than 6 months ago?
I’ve had my guy almost 3 years. Prior to getting him, i hadn’t done much riding for the last 10 years, with the exception of a 6-month lease. I’ve spent the last three years…
We’re now working on walking calmly around the property outside the safety of the indoor. I’d really like for a friend to be able to go with him, but there isn’t always one around when we need them. So we see how each day goes and try to go out after a hard work, when he might not have so much energy.
You’ll notice I didn’t say anything about taking him to a show. I learned with my last horse that I put waaaaaay to much pressure on myself. Because it’s not easy to get out (lack of transport), we have to do what we can at home, and just try to make him into the best citizen possible. Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like we’ve lost what progress we had made. But then I look back a year and he was under the knife. I’m lucky he’s still here. He’s a different horse now. Much calmer (theraputic colic surgery? bonding experience? Who knows)
In short, you can’t beat yourself up. Horseback riding is an activity where both parties can have off days, and you can only control your own mind.
Just to give you some perspective - my younger horse debuted at First Level last September. He was nine.
You’ve got time. 
I have a 7 year old that I’m just now starting to work on his canter. Yes, seven.
(I’d also quote Equus2000 if I were better at multiquoting on an iPad. )
Ok, this does actually make me feel better.
I guess I got it into my head that the dressage gods would send shame and lameness down upon us if we can’t maintain relaxed, supple, lifted, forward 100% of the time in all gaits from now until forever.
The responses in this thread really have made me calm down. Now let’s see if I can carry that through to tomorrow’s ride 
This past weekend I took the new(ish) guy to his first dressage test (USEA BN-A, roughly the same stuff as USDF training level) at a show away from home. At home we’ve gotten about 70% on that test. At the show it was starting to come together in warmup after a while of being looky and I thought it might work out, but… it was bad. Very very bad. I wanted to apologize to the judge, and I was seriously wondering mid-test if I was going to get rung out either for an error or a manifestly unsafe ride.
Time oughta help. Maybe we can both chill out more. Shows are different. FWIW, he’s also got the spook-and-spin-on-a-hack move down pat if he doesn’t have a buddy around, but it’s getting better slowly.
@RJC don’t fret, please. I try to tell myself that no one, and I mean no one, cares as much as you do. Enjoy where you are in life that horses are an option, and lessons, and showing. All of it is a huge gift all on its own. Huge. Have fun, thank the volunteers, and thank your sweet horse. It’s all good.
Letting go of perfectionism in all aspects of your life is incredibly liberating. Spend some time working out what that means for you. It will open way more doors and opportunities.
This x 1000! When I let go of my expectations of perfection, I find I am much more productive and open minded to little steps of progression, in every area of my life.
For example, I am studying for my real estate license. I wanted to get 100% on every quiz, and spent HOURS studying each little section of reading material, and would psych myself out when it came to the quiz. After I let go of that, and determined passing each quiz period was the ultimate goal, I find myself spending less time, and actually getting BETTER test scores. I have learned that good enough is well, good enough! I just have to look at the end goal and put it all in perspective.
Heck, my Pony just turned 11, and he’s doing First Level this year! Some of them just have a late start for whatever reason - that’s OK.
And I know several people whose horses stalled out at 3rd or 4th level for years because the flying changes were an issue - some of those horses ended up going on to the FEI levels and did well - but they needed a few YEARS to deal with that one, single movement.
Relax, enjoy the journey - because that is so NOT realistic for us alpha personalities:lol:
This is going to restate some of the excellent advice already here, but, as a fellow competitive Type A who has brought along a young horse from just about the exact point you have to nearly 4th level, here’s some thoughts:
Accept that you will never be perfect because your bar will always be higher than where you currently are. One day you are saying “I wish I could just get a properly round 20m circle” and then weeks later you swear you won’t be happy until that circle is perfectly round (because you’ve nailed that) and the rhythm is also perfect. We are always one step behind our expectations, but use it as a driver toward success rather than a way to judge yourself. Also take moments (when the negative self-talk sets in) to look back and reflect on how far you’ve come. Video is great for that! Don’t use it to pick yourself apart. Store it away some place and then watch it in 6 months and think how much higher your bar has gotten.
Shows are not goals, they are tent posts. If you wait until you are “perfect” to go to a show, you will be disappointed if it is not perfect (and most young horse shows are far from perfect!). Use them as a way to check in with how your horse handles himself at shows, how you handle yourself at shows and whether a judge’s comments align with the items that you are working on.
Think about the day after the worst ride you could ever have at a show. What I mean is, imagine the worst (non-injurious) ride you could have at the show. Your circles are so ovular they’re about to hatch, your horse is so distracted by tents that he can’t find lead to save his life, etc. What does the day after that look like? Because I’m sure it looks the same - you still continue to ride and work on the items you couldn’t get right at the show and you have something to laugh about with barn friends and life goes on. I find that too often folks get stuck in the narrative of how bad they’ll feel right after a bad ride and they can’t look forward to how these things play out over a longer period of time. Never forget, comedy is tragedy + time :winkgrin:
And remember these words that I tell my friends often (after riding lots of event horses with a penchant for exiting the arena): Just make it down center line twice. The rest is gravy.
Well, I snagged another boarder for a trail ride tonight and we had a good time. Pony and I worked on a nice long and low walk instead of alarmed giraffe walk, then leg yield zig zags along the trail. I feel much better.
I had had my late horse for a long time. Her youth was much wilder than my current guy, but the last few years, I knew I could always throw on a bareback pad and go for a loose rein trail ride without fear when encountering deer or pheasant or turkeys. It was really nice to have that quiet time in nature to unwind with my horse instead of working more. I miss it. And the mare.
Have fun with your horse. You have lots of time. Maybe the less you try the more you will gain. Life is a process and it isn’t typically a linear one.
I am taking my mustang to an obstacle play day this weekend! Change of pace for both of us, which I think will benefit us both. I will probably be the only person there in english clothes and dressage tack but I think it will be fun!
I am also a type A person with a demanding day job also. Riding and showing help keep me sane.You ride because its fun, right? Yes we all want to perfect our horses and riding but we do it because it’s fun for us. A five year old horse is a work in progress. Part of that work in progress is getting him out in the world so he learns to behave in new/strange situations and by doing so becomes a safe and fun equine citizen, and progresses up the levels But he is not there as a five year old and you cannot expect him to be there; he is a baby. I have 3 young horses right now (6, 4 and 3 years). Yes I show them (haven’t shown 3 yr old yet but will do this summer). I do not expect these young horses to behave as well as my 8 and 12 year olds, particularly away from the barn. They have melt downs occasionally. They have bucked during transitions, sometimes refused to go forward, called out to other horses, broken gaits ec in the show ring. So what? This is part of their education. If we had good moments and an occasional boble this is par for the course with showing a young horse. It gives me something to laugh about and occasionally cry about with my trainer , friends and other riders who have been there. All of mine are moving forward and I am enjoying and learning from this journey. I try to focus on the positive moments ( so what if we got a buck in one of the canter transitions; the other canter transition was a 7 or 8 and trot lengthenings were great, even when another horse bolted in the ring next to us my horse didn’t freak out or !!! lose concentration). If you can do this things will get better and better, so stay positive. The more you do this, the more you will see that all horses and riders go through this process. If your trainer and friends say your horse is coming along well, I am sure he is and he will outgrow his “baby brain”. And just as you have to forgive your young horse, you need to forgive yourself. You will occasionally lose your position or forget the next movement, accidently hit your horse in the mouth or just have a bad day (even professionals have these things happen). IJust do your best and enjoy the journey. It will give you something to talk about at the bar after the show.
How do you keep a positive attitude and accept that this is an ongoing process (ie no need to stress when it takes more than two weeks to fix something)? I want to feel ok with “taking the show on the road” while it’s still not 100%.
LOL…well I’ve always marched to the beat of a different drum no matter what it was. I too have a VERY stressful job and work far more than 40 hours a week. I earned my bronze and silver on less than perfect animals BUT I always have loved what I rode and rode what I loved NOT what convention dictated. My job helps me keep the proper perspective. Sure I’m a perfectionist and work with continuous improvement in mind; but, I also recognize that horse showing isn’t the most important thing in life. I deal with life and death EVERY SINGLE DAY. I dealt with a gunshot victim today along with 3 additional life threatening emergencies. If it’s not in respiratory distress or bleeding to death then I know I have time to work on improving the less than perfect. I also know that less than perfect isn’t life threatening. I’ve been known to show up to shows never having ridden ‘the’ test before and showing up with a horse that hasn’t been bathed, clipped and polished AND WON!!! I’ve been known to make the best of the situation because it didn’t require me having to make a decision that predicated life or death - do you know how nice that is???..THAT allows me to relax and my horses to blossum. I try to set realistic goals and then exhault when I surpass them. At the end of the day there isn’t anything I’d rather ride than the horses I own. I cut loose the green eyed monster a long time ago. I have gold set in my sights and it will be with something I bred, something I backed and something I trained and neither of us will be perfect BUT we both will be happy and I will focus on the journey and the knowledge and experienced gained…not whether someone else thought it was a 10 or not. I consider myself and every day I get to spend with my horses such wonderful luck and a gift. I hope to leave this world with my boots on…THAT is what keeps me going despite many personal setbacks.
I spent all of last week out of town. I returned Friday afternoon. I loaded the trailer, I went to a local schooling show Saturday on my 7 YO. We did Intro A & B. He’s not ‘in a program’, he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know, and I was only there to show him a new place and enjoy the break in the heat. And you know what? We did well, pretty darn well and the photos are of me smiling, and I’m not a smiler he had fun, he didn’t get boxed in and framed up- he was encouraged to be good AND relaxed. Obedient AND happy.
Relax, it’s worth it.
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