Dealing with loss of first horse, loss of identity as a horse owner

[OneDayMore]

Thank you, and I’m sorry for your losses as well.

I’m dreading that first post-loss visit to the barn, but the barn has been the main venue for socializing with my best friend and I don’t want to lose that friendship. I’m also really fond of her horse, so I know I’ll want to visit with him too.

I don’t think owning another horse will be in my cards for at least a few years, but I know I’ll want another one someday. I work for an equine veterinarian, so I’ll still have regular contact with horses.

[OneDayMore]

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and reply. It’s helpful to hear from people who understand how devastating the loss of a horse can be.

I’m switching between bouts of crying and feelings of almost numb disbelief that he’s gone. It’s still very fresh and I know it’ll be more manageable with time, but right now my whole heart just hurts.

[Jackie_Cochran]

This may give you some comfort.

The Argentine guachos, back in the early part of last century, have a HORSE PARADISE named Trapalanda, where horse run free on endless plains.

Your horse is there now, running free as he pleases.

I know this helped me as I had to put my own horses down or if they just died on their own.

IF there is an afterlife this is where I plan on ending up. Forget heaven, endless plains with playing happy horses is heaven enough for me.

[candyappy]

@OneDayMore

Toby was a huge part of my life and much of my identity is wrapped up in being a horse owner.
I went to the barn essentially every day and my closest friends are my barn friends. However, now I am no longer a horse owner and I think I’m going to find it really difficult to be at the barn, especially when I know I won’t hear Toby’s usual nicker of greeting, or see his beautiful face looking over his stall guard, or find him waiting for me at the paddock gate.

How do you cope with grieving the loss of your equine best friend and the loss of an important part of your identity?

I’m really, really not looking forward to having to pack up his things from his boarding barn, does anyone have advice on making that any easier?

I grieve and find a horse to love and be a part of my life again.

I know it is painful to lose the horse that was so special to you for so long but it doesn’t have to be the end. Every new horse can have a special place in your heart and life ( i have found) while we remember the ones we lost.

I cope by going on doing what I love.

[appypaint]

I’m so, so sorry about your beloved Toby.

There’s no easy way to walk through the grief. I get the loss of identity that comes from losing them. We become known as “the person who has x horse” and then one day that’s not true anymore. Horses take up such immense space (physically and otherwise) which makes their absence even more apparent.

What has helped me through loss in the past is knowing that their life meant something. We want the world to know they existed, they were here. It’s why we fear forgetting them or moving on too quickly. Horses are only allotted so much time in the world, but even in their brevity they form us. Your life will be a testament to how he formed you. That’s his legacy.

Toby matters. His existence wasn’t a fluke or happenstance. He belonged to you, and you to him, and he matters. Thank you for sharing him with us.

[Night_Flight]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

When I lost my mare, I took my husband with me when I went to pack her things up, which helped. I was actually doing fine initially since it just felt like a task to be accomplished, as long as I didn’t think about it too hard. What ended up being difficult was when another boarder approached while I was holding my mare’s things and started asking how I was doing, saying how they couldn’t imagine how it must feel and how they don’t look forward to the day they’ll have to say goodbye to their horse, etc.

I started bawling and had to walk away.

I was okay until someone introduced all those ideas about loss, and how hard it must have been to go through.

When it’s time for you to go and pack up, I suggest that you give a heads up to the barn owner or your barn friend of whether you would like others to speak to you about him. That way, they can advise the other boarders of your preferences and try to keep things within your comfort zone. It’s a tough task and no one would begrudge you asking for certain conditions.

After a week or so, I asked a friend at another barn I’d never been to if I could come and visit. I was able to visit horses without the emotions of seeing an empty stall that my mare had been in previously.

A month later, a local trainer reached out and said she had a horse for me to ride, and that if I wasn’t ready I could take more time to grieve. I went and rode the horse and very much appreciated her thoughtfulness.

[MunchingonHay]

@OneDayMore

How do you cope with grieving the loss of your equine best friend and the loss of an important part of your identity?

Time. And you go to therapy.

When I lost my dog suddenly, I found myself in a deep dark hole. Therapy is what saved me… and a new puppy.

You are so lucky to have had Toby for so long and thank you for sharing him with us. We get it. And as other mentioned, grieve is different for everyone.

Give yourself grace. Feel the feels. Toby would want you to love another horse as much as you loved him.

The pain of loss will wash over you less and less with time and you will be left with warm memories of your Toby.

[clanter]

we have kept all the halters with name plates and leads with those of the others, they may be gone but not forgotten. Those that passed at age have been easier to accept than the one who had to be euthanized his passing was heartbreaking. I never have gotten over his loss however the breeder offered first choice of that year’s crop of foals, we got his half brother who has become a nice one but still I have to catch myself calling Fig Socks. Fig did step up to the challenge by winning the same championship Socks had won two years prior. Fig is a good guy, but then one thinks of what could have been with Socks,

[PaddockWood]

Oh was Toby lucky. To be so loved is such a gift. I lost a heart horse (I’ve had a number of them) in the summer of 2022 and they clipped a huge piece of tail and do you know I couldn’t even touch that bag. It sat on my desk all this time. Recently was able to take hold of it and take out the beautiful piece of him that remains with me. I felt emotion welling up but was thankful there were no tears and it subsided. It felt so good to have that grief in the distance.

I hope you keep going to the barn and find another horse to love. So many need more love than they are getting. I’m too in the camp that when I have a loss I go replace it ASAP. My poor husband - I promised him it would be different if it were him. Buwhahaahha.

[OneDayMore]

Thank you, you’ve so beautifully summed up that feeling.

[Edre]

I’m so sorry for your loss. Toby sounds like he was a lovely guy, and while you were lucky to be his person - he was lucky to be your horse, too.

When I lost my gelding quite unexpectedly (there was no emotional preparation for it)… going back to the barn felt like I was suffocating. I asked my mother to help me pack up his things. I took everything I “needed” to take (tack, blankets, wraps, brushes, etc) but then you may find you have a bunch of “not worth saving, but shouldn’t throw away” items. With BO’s permission, I made a box full of these items labeled “FOR FREE”. fly spray, thrush treatments, poultice, liniment, etc - these things found new homes with people who would use them.

But I’ll be honest with you - it sucked. The people you come across who know, will be nothing but compassionate with you. But I didn’t want to deal with that. I could barely keep my own grief together, I didn’t want other people expressing grief at me (even though in most instances, it was for my sake, their empathy for my loss). My mom and I went when the barn was mostly empty (BO and my instructor).

Everyone’s grief travels differently. You may find that you can manage it as a carry-on for a while before suddenly, it becomes too heavy and you need to check the bag it’s in. For some people, it’s the opposite. For me… the hole in my heart has never gotten smaller. It’s been years, and I still feel his loss as acutely as ever. The only thing I can say is that in the years that have passed, while the hole in my heart hasn’t gotten smaller or filled up - my heart has grown larger. It took time, but it had to grow larger to fit all the love I have for my current horse. She doesn’t fill the hole he left, but she’s shown me a new love that needed new real estate in my heart.

But that took time. And I hope you give yourself time, whatever time it is you need. If being around horses helps you, spend time with them: my instructor needed “help” keeping her guy exercised (during spontaneous trips she took) and would need “help” keeping clients’ horses in work (…and they were always the same 2 horses who belonged to my friends… who, I think, arranged for her to offer me the ride but under this pretext so I didn’t have to navigate their sympathy). It took me time to go back though. It was difficult. Being in different barns with no memories was easier for me, going back to “my” barn was so, so hard. But test and see what feels right for you. Your heart may need something that someone else didn’t, and what worked for someone else here may not be a fit for you.

All of this said… no time we have with our horses would ever be enough. I’m glad you had the years you did with Toby, but I’m sorry that you didn’t have more. For all they will never be enough - I am sure they were more than enough to help teach you lessons and shape you as a person. My sincere condolences for your loss.

[atlatl]

No additional advice, just want to add my condolences.

[sascha]

Post removed! I am terribly sorry about that - no idea how my post ended up on an entirely different thread. Thanks to those who let me know!

[Old_Mac_Donald]

I think you are a bit lost. Wrong thread?

OP, I am terribly sorry your post has been accidentally cross-threaded.

[redandwhite]

Im sorry for your loss. for me writing things out in a journal or even on facebook just putting my feelings down helped a bit. I still miss her having to put her down was so hard and I’ll never forget her. I hate that they dont live longer.