Dealing with loss of first horse, loss of identity as a horse owner

[OneDayMore]

I just lost my horse, Toby, and feel the need to talk about him and ask for advice on coping. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. Toby was 21 when he passed due to colic and I’d owned him for 16 years.

He was my first horse, my dad bought him to be the family horse. Out of all my siblings, I’m the only one who stuck with horses, so he became my horse.

Toby was a wonderful first horse. He acted like a grumpy old man, but was secretly a total softie and tolerated many ill-advised kid shenanigans. He retired from riding at the age of 11 due to navicular and arthritis, but remained my steadfast companion and friend. He loved peppermints, his birthday carrot cake, and was a total sucker for some good wither scratches. He made the best faces of total contentment when you got the right itchy spot. I was so lucky to be his person. I’ve lived over half my life with Toby, who was always there to help celebrate my successes and mourn my losses and failures with me.

Toby was a huge part of my life and much of my identity is wrapped up in being a horse owner.
I went to the barn essentially every day and my closest friends are my barn friends. However, now I am no longer a horse owner and I think I’m going to find it really difficult to be at the barn, especially when I know I won’t hear Toby’s usual nicker of greeting, or see his beautiful face looking over his stall guard, or find him waiting for me at the paddock gate.

How do you cope with grieving the loss of your equine best friend and the loss of an important part of your identity?

I’m really, really not looking forward to having to pack up his things from his boarding barn, does anyone have advice on making that any easier?

[EADoug]

I don’t have any solid advice, but I’m very sorry for your loss, and I’m glad you shared Toby with us.

[cilla1]

I’m so sorry for your loss, Toby was a huge part of your life and a wonderful friend. Just like our other furry friends their only fault is to live less than us and leave a big void when they leave. I know exactly how you feel but one day you’ll feel ready to have another horse in your life and to give him/her the beautiful life you gave Toby

[Maythehorsebewithme]

My sincere condolences. It will take time. Months. Give yourself time.

I have lost four horses over the course of my lifetime, the last one about two years ago. Each loss was tough. My third horse I had for 20 years and he was an absolute love. My fourth horse I thought would be my last one, as he was sound and healthy and looked good for another ten years. He died in a terrible, stupid stable accident.

I am 76 years old, and I fear to buy another one, as he or she might outlive me. I do go to the barn, and the first visits were awful. Expect that–I ended up walking into his stall and bawling my eyes out. My trainer was great–she gave me things to do. I was not ready to get on another horse, but I groomed, picked out stalls, etc. I finally got on one of her retirees–and bawled my eyes out for that whole ride.

I am currently leasing a horse from the barn, riding three days a week. Not the same, but not too bad. I get to touch, smell, groom, ride, lesson, bathe, etc.

Since horses were such a part of your life, you might want to continue in some capacity. Your timeline of ownership makes you seem young. Maybe there will be other horses in your life, not Toby, but each one of mine, though different, fulfilled my needs.

Good luck, and again my sympathies for your loss.

[sascha]

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I don’t have advice for you as I don’t know your situation. For me, allowing another horse into my life almost immediately was the solution for me.

[RedHorses]

I am so sorry for your loss. Give yourself permission to grieve as you need. Remember him in life. Tell Toby stories when you’re talking to horse people. Accept that sometimes you’re unexpectedly going to fail into the hole where he used to be, your heart will stop and you lose your breath, and you will need a minute to think of him. Be gentle with yourself.

I euthanized my 15 year old, younger horse on Thursday. He was my fourth horse, and third euthanasia. I do still have my third horse (25) keeping me going to the barn, however I do have some advice for you about packing up his gear.

First, plan to do it over several days. Do what you can, and stop when you’ve hit your limit.

Second, go slowly. As you take each item, think about a happy time you used it with Toby. Really try to remember all the details - where you were, what the weather was like, who was with you, how you felt. This is hard at first, because you’re going to keep falling into your memories of his end. I promise it will get easier as you persevere, and if you can deliberately find a happy memory every time his end pops into your mind, sooner than you think you’ll be remembering the good times first.

It’s not easy. I know how much it helps, and it’s still terribly difficult to do.

Third, think about your future horse. Is the item worth keeping for them? Is it likely to fit? Is the item going to store well!? Is it something that can be easily replaced? How much space do you have? Is it bulky and going to take up too much storage space? Is it something worth selling, or giving to a friend you know will use it?

When you find that item that is uniquely Toby, set it aside for a memory creation (I made a shadow box with my first horse’s bridle, shoe, lock of mane, photo. Second horse’s has his halter, a specific show ribbon, some tail hair, photo).

There’s all the usual stuff - put each item into groups of store, give away, sell, etc. Clean and repair the things you’re storing, giving away or selling. Lean in to your happy memories, or let yourself be distracted with barn buddies, music, or something you enjoy listening to. But really, take your time, and remember Toby’s life. Be gentle with yourself.

[Larksmom]

some people think this is bad advice. I do not. Maythehorsebewithyou has offered excellent advice. Maybe grooming and/or riding another horse would help. When I lose a cat or dog, I try to replace it immediately, not because I don’t miss my beloved, but because I know there are frightened lonely pets that need a home. Do whatever feels right to you.
I am so sorry for your loss.

[Sparrowette]

I’m so sorry. Losing any animal one loves is incredibly hard and made worse because the non-animal people want you to get over it sooner than you can. Don’t think you will find that attitude on this BB. We are a bunch of animal lovers, and we are with you.

As far as advise goes? If it were me, I’d grab some of his tail hair and make something or have it incorporated into a piece of jewelry. And then, as soon as you are able, start shopping for another horse. There are so many out there who need the kind of love you and Toby had. This love is in you, and will need an outlet as soon as you are able.

{{{Hugs}}}

[MissusS]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is truly heartbreaking so first and foremost give yourself time to process it all.

If it is at all helpful, here is my story… feel free to scroll past if you can’t take it right now.

I am incredibly lucky with my barn family. I lost my first horse a year and a half ago in a catastrophic pasture accident.

She was in training at another barn (had been there for a few months - working on some specific issues) so I sent her with just the bare necessities. The trainer there was a godsend and took care of all the details for me when we had to euthanize. I left the trainer with a lot of the “consumables” - feed, meds, treats - and the bins I stored them in for her to just keep or dispose of. She packed up and brought back to me the few other things I left there - saddle, bridle, halter and lead rope, blankets…

While my mare was away in training I kept a full locker of stuff at my “regular” boarding barn. Most of my horsey time was spent at the training barn but I still popped out to my “regular” barn multiple times each month where I put occasional rides or groundwork on “my” school horse.

After my mare passed I asked the BO if she needed the locker space and she said no - if it became an issue she would let me know but not to worry about it. So I just locked it all up and walked away.

I didn’t go to the farm for probably 2 months - it was too painful. Then I would go out early on weekend mornings to groom, handwalk, and feed my schoolie. Then I started riding again a few times a month. Finally, approx 6 months after I lost my first mare, I let my BO know that I was ready to start consider maybe possibly looking for another horse.

She and my dressage coach (who are very close) immediately started looking and selectively sent me horses to consider… most of which I rejected very quickly. As I eased back into the comfort of the barn and riding, I became more motivated in my search and finally got my new mare.

I have a “type” - dark bay mare with a star. Many of my first mare’s things fit my new mare - I was very glad to have kept nearly everything. It was a strange feeling at first to use many things that didn’t “belong” to my new mare - they held a lot of memories of my late mare. In time, though, it felt more right. I also bought some things that are specific for new mare so it’s not ALL hand-me-downs.

But I still catch myself sometimes calling new mare by late mare’s name and when I started to type this post I got a little teary thinking about my first horse but overall I have coped with the loss and am grateful for the time I had with her.

[MsM]

Dealing with the loss of a beloved horse is a very personal thing and different things work for different people. So sorry you are going through this. I had a similar experience with a horse I owned for 20 years that I lost to colic after years of retirement.

I have also seen others go through the loss and there is great variation in how they process and deal with it. Some have to clean up immediately and then sequester themselves while they grieve for a while. Others need time before they can face the barn again. Either belongings are left for a while or a friend packs them up. The first time back at the barn is painful. You barn friends may offer you rides, etc. I would urge you to consider it after a time. Or if your social ties there are not that strong, go to another barn and take some lessons.
After the initial grief, you might want to consider your identity as a “horse owner”. You cant replace the lost horse but you can start a new adventure with a new horse. It might help to browse horse ads after a while. When it becomes less painful and you find yourself interested despite yourself, it might be time to consider the next step.

[NancyM]

Instead of torturing yourself about the loss of your horse, think about how lucky you have been to have had a long relationship with such an animal. Think about how lucky he was to have lived with you as an owner. Many horses and many people are not this fortunate. Take your experiences forward in your life, and be thankful to have had so much time with a horse that has been such an important part of your life, and has taught you so much. Taught you about being a horseman, and about being a human. Taught you about honesty, dedication, hard work, and dreams coming true. And basic first aid. One day, when you have healed, you may look to own another horse, in whom you may see the Inklings of forming a similar bond. If you can be as lucky as you were the first time. That is being a horseman.

[Eclectic_Horseman]

@OneDayMore

How do you cope with grieving the loss of your equine best friend and the loss of an important part of your identity?

I’m really, really not looking forward to having to pack up his things from his boarding barn, does anyone have advice on making that any easier?

Get to another barn ASAP, and lease a horse, take lessons, etc. etc. You may be able to do it at the barn you are at, but a clean break may be better. There may be things like that that you wanted to do, but couldn’t do because you were a horse owner. Do them now and don’t feel guilty about it.

As far as packing up your things, plan to go when there is no one there. Late night or early morning, and bring someone to help you. Don’t sort anything, just pack and go.

[SillyHorse]

Just want to say how sorry I am. Having COTHers for support is a godsend, though.

[Jackie_Cochran]

I am so sorry you lost your best friend.

[aregard]

Such varied ideas, and don’t get me wrong, I’m sure each one works just fine for some people.

As you read this advice, see which rings with you, and try that. If it doesn’t sound useful, don’t even feel the need to try it. everyone grieves differently, everyone recovers differently.

You have/had barn friends. Don’t let those go lightly.

[colorfan]

When I had to give up my childhood horse due to family situation,(child allergic to horses…) I felt like I didn’t recognize myself anymore.
I finally started really focusing on what I did have, put energy into what I was doing and gradually found some balance.
Years later when I was blessed to be able to get back into horses (child graduated when to college). I do have a tendency to get too focused on the horse still. lol

[NoSuchPerson]

@OneDayMore

I’m really, really not looking forward to having to pack up his things from his boarding barn, does anyone have advice on making that any easier?

No, for two reasons.

1. Loss is hard. You can’t make it easier. You just have to live through the suck until it gets less hard. I’m sorry for the loss of your friend, Toby.

2. Everyone grieves differently. What one person does to cope will be exactly the wrong thing for someone else.

People have offered a number of suggestions. Mull them over and use any that feel right for you.

I’m old. I’ve had horses in my life for about 57 years. When I lose one, I just try to take some satisfaction in knowing that I’ve given them the best care and the best life that I could and that I’ve done what I could to minimize any suffering at the end of their life.

[RMJacobs]

When the last of my horses died, I felt lost. My DH and I had agreed that we would get out of horses when the last one died, as at that point we had other things that we wanted to start prioritizing. But the reality of that was very tough. I’d had my horses at home for 15 years, then moved around, including halfway across the country, so the last retiree was boarded, first not far from my horse property in Colorado, then in South Carolina near where we’d moved. I spent a lot of time with him at the boarding barns because by then, I was retired, so it wasn’t a big deal to drive there instead of just walking out to the pasture at home. When he died, I gave all his stuff to the BO at his last boarding barn, as she could use it and I couldn’t. I also wanted to thank her and her family for how loving they’d been with him.

It took me years, though, to give away my ponies’ harnesses. I sold my remaining cart and gave the larger pony harness to an equine therapy place. But the harness that fit my Hackney was very difficult to let go, even thought he’d died years before the last one to go. I would have donated it to the same equine therapy place, but couldn’t find them, so I donated it to a different therapy barn. I hope they used it.

Rebecca

[eightpondfarm]

Oh i’m so sorry you lost your best boy. It’s really really hard. I know. I can’t advise, i can only tell you what i did when i lost my first best wild child mustang mare.

i went to therapy. First was a group situation at the local animal shelter. They have an ongoing Thursday evening session and most everyone there was newly suffering a loss. It was soothing to be in the company of people like me who were staggering with sadness.
I wasn’t able to get over it in what i thought was a reasonable time, (as others left the group and new ones came in) so i started going to a psychologist. I just needed a reason to keep on living to be honest and needed help with that. I got a puppy. My first dog. I had to learn about dogs and that took me away from my grief. I couldn’t go back to the barn, even to pick up my things for about three months. My heart was broken.
In one year i began horse hunting and ended up buying the most outrageously beautiful young Morgan stallion. He was so captivating that he captured the horse-part of my imagination. And he required so much skill that i was pushed to the very edges of my limits to learn new things.

[OneDayMore]

Thank you, I’m finding this advice really helpful.
I don’t want to keep picturing the end every time I think of Toby, as there are so many happy memories with him. I really like the idea of associating those happy memories with his things as I’m packing up.