2013 has been the most horrible year for me. I have lost 3 cats, 2 horses and 1 dog. And before you think I’m running an animal torture operation here, all were due to old age or ailments that caught up to them despite spending more money than I can really afford to spend to save them.
I lost a cat in January, two cats in February. I got a small breather and even managed to go on vacation but when I returned I learned how much sh*t I can put up with and still persevere.
When I returned from vacation something was wrong with my aged pony, one of those…can’t put my finger on it, but he seems…off. Had the vet out. Poor old guy was riddled with cancer. I had only had him a few months and really had taken him because his previous owners just couldn’t deal with an old horse and old horse needs and I had managed to get weight on him and make him look pretty darn good. Damn. At least I know his last few months were happy ones.
A week later my heart horse, a 26 year old TB gelding, started limping. You know, right? You know you know when you know. I took one look at him and knew. He had foundered once already and the vet had always said he’d been living on borrowed time since the first founder. Had the vet out pronto and did Xrays, consulted with a few leading hospitals and orthos but there wasn’t any hope. We scheduled his euthanasia for a few days hence and I spent as much time with him as he’d allow (never a very friendly horse, he clearly resented all the attention).
the day before the euthanasia I lost it. I mean lost it. It was just too much to bear anymore. I know you all know what I mean. These weren’t just my horses, they’d taught 100s of kids to ride and so I had to deal with crying children and parents asking well-intentioned but really hurtful questions that you’d never ask someone if a human was dying (oh, your mom has lung cancer? tell me all about lung cancer) but somehow was ok to ask me because it’s just a horse. So, i lost it at home, in private, thank God.
I had barely recovered from my breakdown when I went outside to bring my dogs in. I found one my dogs dead. No injury, no nothing, went outside healthy and full of life, an hour later she was dead. I have to put my baby boy down in less than 24 hours and now my favorite dog is dead.
And here’s my point: at that point, I just looked up at the sky and said “Ok, I get it.” I’m here to care for animals. I have thought that since I can remember. And caring for animals means putting your feelings and your wants and needs aside and doing what needs to be done in good times and bad. It means that if six of your animals all decide at the same time that they need to move on to their next lives then you honor that and you do what’s best for them. That gave me such a sense of peace. I can’t describe how absolutely calm I felt after that thought came to me. I did the best by them that I ever could. Every single animal that has left me had a good life, a damn good life.
I think back to what my vet said to me when I put my aged COPD ridden mare down a few years ago. I was sobbing and lamenting that I couldn’t save her and my vet said “What do you mean? You kept her alive for five years past what anybody expected, you even showed her! When I die I want to come back as one of your horses.”
So, every time I start thinking about my horses or my sweet dog or my cats I remember I did everything I could for them. I put them at the center of my life so hard, so fierce despite any consequence to me. I did what needed to be done and then some. They had happy, happy lives and death just happens. It happens. Do the very best you can by them and you can focus on the happy times when they’re gone and not regret a single moment of your time with them OR their time with you. Hope this helps.
In loving and fond memory -
Rasputin 19 year old Maine Coon - the best cat ever
Sebastian DSH kitty, lap cat extraordinaire
Lemur DSH kitty, complete jerk of a cat, but my jerk of a cat
Carly - chow/GSD mix. we called her Log because she slept in the middle of the floor and we always tripped over her.
Darcy - 26 year old dun quarter pony, about a gentle a soul as you would ever meet. I drowned in his eyes daily.
Flirt - 26 year old TB. There’s nothing I can say about Flirt that expresses my depth of love for him.
sorry for the novel…
