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I trained with a toxic trainer for a period of my life while in college. She belittled me (and everyone), made me feel like everything that went wrong was only ever a result of my bad riding, told me to lose weight as though it would improve my riding (I was maybe 135 lbs at 5’2 at the time, I both weigh more and ride better now. She literally grabbed a handful of my inner thigh and told me to lose it), and was overall not a kind person. It destroyed my confidence in my riding for a period of time and took a long time to come back from with a trainer that did not do those things. She also wanted me to have success at shows and win and in her mind this was how people taught, likely a product of how she was taught growing up. Some trainers unfortunately believe this is how it is done, that they’re being “honest” and “intense” when really they’re just being rotten jerks. They will not change their ways, some may soften over the years as they realize clients won’t tolerate that crap anymore, but mostly you won’t change them. I understand not wanting to leave your barn family but let me pose these questions:
Are you having fun? Are you scared of taking lessons? Does the idea of showing up for lesson day fill you with dread? Do you live in constant fear of what the trainer may say to you? Do you feel a wave of relief when they say something nice? While on course at a horse show do you miss a turn you discussed and instead of continuing to focus on the ride think “she’s going to yell at me for that?” (been there, done that).
If the answer is yes to any of those, as I suspect it is, you need to move barns. You will likely need to either finish or terminate your lease early and cut ties. This is supposed to be fun. This is supposed to bring joy in your life. You spend too much time, money and effort on such an activity to have it be stressful and full of anxiety. Anyone who is truly your friend in this barn will still be your friend and still be happy to see you out and about. Another barn will welcome you into their family.
Find your joy. I wish someone had told me I didn’t have to live like this in my riding back when I experienced this.
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The fact you are feeling the way you are feeling and came to a Bulletin Board to vent/ask the question is valid enough a reason to consider switching barns,
Run, don’t walk, to your new happiness.
OP, I am sad that you removed your original post. I think it brought up a topic that is worth discussing, for everyone to think about.
Not all relationships last a lifetime. Even people we care about might not be the right people for us. Nothing wrong with sitting down and realizing that your fun (expensive, time consuming) hobby is not so fun when the people you are surrounded with are making you worried and miserable.
Is there another barn that you are interested in riding at? Are there other trainers that you think might be a better fit for you and the style of learning you succeed with?
I will say, sometimes an easy way to change barns is to change disciplines. Maybe go take some dressage lessons elsewhere? Or check out pony club and try eventing?
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Sometimes its best if the vent type posts that might reveal details that could lead to being identified by barn mates and/or the toxic individual go poof. OP does ID their general location.
Not seeing it, can only guess at details but its and often enough repeated scenario shared on here to make a very educated guess.
Breaking up is hard to do but this is a business, not a relationship. We pay, alot, for professional services and there is no reason to tolerate anything that sucks the life out of the time we spend at the barn. We don’t owe these people anything other then their bill and the vast majority don’t care what you think is best for you and whether you stay or go.
Theres a difference between being friendly and being friends. Many think their relationship with their trainer is unique only to run into a difference of opinion, lifestyle change forcing changes or questionable actions on the part of the trainer reveal there is no “ relationship” beyond business.
Tough life lesson but at least we have the freedom to walk out. And should do so more often.
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You are smart to be concerned. I would leave now if you are even considering it. My toxic trainer from my childhood years spreads horrible rumors and lies about any long term client who leaves him so I think the longer you stay the more susceptible to garbage like that you become.
