So I have Major Depressive Disorder, or whatever you want to call it, and have since about the 6th grade. It’s the real deal.
I’ve been around horses my entire life, riding regularly since I was 6, and the horse industry has been my primary occupation (to whatever extent I’ve been able to work) for the last several years. It’s what I know, what I’m best at, and possibly even what I enjoy at least some of the time (to extent I enjoy anything ) Certainly, I believe horses saved my life during my teens.
But I really struggle with aspects of this industry and often feel “complicit” in things that really bother me. I struggle with not always being able to live in line with my values at work, which is of course, really bad for depression.
Does anyone else out there ever have this problem? I love horses and spending time doing the thing I’m most interested in, but horses seem to forever be misunderstood, mistreated, and general sources of heartbreak. I’ve been exposed to many different sides of the horse industry, and they all have pros and cons and usually it comes down more to individual care or callousness.
Here are some examples from over the years of the kind of thing I’m talking about:
- General neglect, owners being unaware of issues or unaware of their importance which then plays out in my mind to the slow and painful breakdown of the animal (neglecting teeth, lax hoof care, improper or crappy feed).
- Ignorance of medically significant symptoms/behaviors (possible ulcers, lameness, moon blindness) which go untreated and sometimes result in the horse being punished (for being cranky, tripping, spooking).
- Overuse - over riding, over working, over racing, particularly very young or extremely old horses.
- Under use - sitting in a box stall for weeks or even more.
- In general taking short cuts on horsemanship, usually because good horsemanship was never bothered to be learned in the first place. Failing to see the “why” behind good horsemanship and how my recommendation should lead to less work and cost over time, not more.
- Bubble wrapping - spending ridiculous amounts of time, money and energy obsessing over the slightest deviations from perfection in soundness, health, etc., and indulging fears of what will happen if the horse is ridden, perhaps (gasp) at a trot, or (heaven forbid) in imperfect footing, and then given some (oh just nevermind!) turn-out time with another horse, until more problems are actually created.
- Misinterpreting horse psychology in general, leading to abuse. That’s not to say I’m a mystical horse psychic, but it’s amazing how often people make interpretations with are convenient for themselves or their egos at the expense of the horse’s best interest or just reality.
I have never had the money, influence, or even energy to be in charge of a barn or business, although I don’t get the impression that alleviates these problems much. Trainers and vets all live at some extent at the mercy of their clients. And even when I’ve just ridden for pleasure, it’s not like there’s a magic bubble I can live in and do everything perfectly (ha.) and remain blissfully unaware of world’s horseback riding dunderheads. So I feel stuck between doing what I know best and at least theoretically love, and getting a daily dose of learned helplessness aggravation where I feel I lack the power and control to stop things that hurt animals and bum me out.
I really feel alone with this feeling most of the time, like the people around me either don’t see the problems I’m seeing or aren’t as bothered by them. Often these same people seem to care a lot or have really strong opinions about things I don’t think matter much at all (saying things like “How could they blanket that horse?” or “not blanket that horse?!” in 45 degree weather and I’m thinking, “How can you you poke your horse in the nose all day for wearing a sour expression and acting pissy at mealtimes when you haven’t checked him for ulcers?”)
Because these feelings can get really overwhelming for me, I’m not sure I’m even accurately evaluating how bad or important these problems are. I don’t like feeling like I’m “looking the other way” all the time, but I also know I need to try to accept that life is messy, people are cruel (including me), and there’s collateral damage around us all day long. I can’t control it. But I struggle to feel good about myself or stay committed to living life.
Anyone else?