Do horses ever feel the same after losing your heart horse?

I lost my heart horse Blondie to a pasture accident in March of this year. We were together for 6 years, I’ve never had a bond like that with a horse before, it was unexplainable. She was very aloof to most people but since day one we clicked.

I still enjoy being around horses and find happiness and peace with them. But nothing has felt quite the same, I can enjoy different horses and their different personalities.
But at the end of the day, all I want is Blondie back (she’s the horse in my photo)

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I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My heart aches for you.

I lost my heart horse in February of 2016 to a strangulating lipoma . My local vet could not figure out what was wrong with her but knew that it was a dire situation so I ended up taking her to the closest equine medical center (still a two hour drive) because I needed to know what was happening. I watched the entire exploratory surgery and ultimately decided to put her down on the table as it was the best option. The surgeons assured me that there was no way for me to know that she had this lipoma and that they have an unknown etiology. Knowing that I did not cause her harm, whether intentionally or not, gave me closure but I still felt as though I failed her.

We were partners for six years but it felt like a lifetime because we had such a special connection. She took me through high school, went to undergrad with me, exposed me to the upper levels of eventing, and was above all my very best friend. She took care of me not just on the cross country course but every day. When she died, I felt like a large part of me was missing. I had lost family members, friends, other animals (cats, horses) before but her death was the most personal loss for me. I struggled with the grief for a quite a while afterwards.

I never lost my interest in horses but I needed some time. I was fortunate to be at a barn with a fantastic community. I think I was riding more after my mare’s death than I had been before because so many people volunteered their horses for me to ride, groom, care for, etc. and that helped a lot. But there was definitely a difference to being around horses after her loss. I knew that I wanted to stay in the sport but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to own a horse of my own because of the emotional connection. I thought about starting to buy project horses (OTTBs, sale horses) to flip them or leasing a schoolmaster so that I could have something that was mine without emotionally being “mine.” I ended up finding my guy about a month before I went back to start my senior year of undergrad and it took me a while to really connect with him. I remember how in the beginning with him, I felt so out of rhythm when tacking him up because he wasn’t my mare.

I hated hearing it at the time, but it does get better. Time does help. Grief is not linear. It’s been over six years and I still think that I’m going to walk out to the pasture and my mare will be standing there waiting for me at the gate. The connection that you and your horse have will never die and your memories will live on.

“To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.” – Mary Oliver, “In Blackwater Woods”

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I lost my heart horse in 1998. I’m still riding horses.

One thing that I noticed (it took me a while) is that my other horses, and after they died the lesson horses, really did not care for me constantly comparing them to my Angel from Heaven who taught me to ride, train, and how to rear my children.

I “listened” at a deeper level. The message seemed to be that while that particular horse may not be an angel from heaven but it felt like it was a completely valid horse and just maybe I should just concentrate on the horse that I ride. After all, how can mere mortals compare to an angel? Each horse has its own positives though sometimes a horseman has to dig deep and be really patient so the horse feels free to express its own inner “perfection.”

No horse has ever replaced my heart horse, and I finally accepted that no horse could possibly replace him. In return I have gotten to know various horses of different personalities and by figuring them out I have become a MUCH better rider for what I am doing (riding with MS, quite disabled.)

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I had to put down the Most Perfect Horse in the Universe a week ago Sunday. We were together since the day he was born, over 29 years ago. I could do things with him that I do not believe I will ever do with another horse but I will still ride and learn.

On a good note I am not as emotional when I ride if things do not go correctly now. It is like I know the one I am on can never be Luse and we can just try for the best we can get.

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When i lost my first horse i was suicidal. My mother flew out to california and put me into a mental home for a month.

Many years later i had my first dog. By the time he was one, i spent a lot of time in fear over his eventual death. (which was 12 years later…so 12 years of trepidation and angst)

Since then i have learned many things: That Love is the most important thing in the world.
That the heart is a muscle, the more you use it the stronger it gets. That the despair, the grief over losing a beloved one is a brief mirror-darkly image of the depth of your love. That pain recedes. That the more you love, the more love you have to give. That death only removes the physical presence and the two way communication. To feel the love, it’s not necessary to have it returned.

Since those times, of those first two great loves, i have brought many many animals into my life. I have bonded with quite a few, and enjoyed simple camaraderie with the others. I’ve found that i can love, deeply, a cow or a ram or a chicken or another horse, dog… I’ve had a series of dogs as partners. Four, (so far) have been true loves. In horses, i have found the ability to connect and share a bond with so many it’s … uncountable.

I guess all i can say about it is the more you love the more love you have to give. It expands.

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Another horse will never feel the same. It will be different. But it will be Good. IF you allow it to be.

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You will meet, own, ride, and perhaps compete, many horses in your lifetime. Some will become very special to you, some MORE special than others. And how special a horse is to you may or may not coincide with the competitive successes of that horse. But assuming you, as a human (and especially as a younger human), will likely outlive those special horses, a horrific feeling of loss and crushing sadness is ahead of many of us at some point. If you are going to survive the loss of such a horse, you must learn how to turn the page and start a new chapter in your life, and be thankful for the ride so far, and for what that horse taught you and allowed you to experience…because not everyone is as lucky as you have been with the relationship you have enjoyed with such a horse. When you get to the point of feeling lucky instead of sad, you may find yourself open to another special relationship with another horse. Because those special horses are out there, just waiting to meet you and teach you even more things, about horses and about yourself, if you can give them the chance.

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I’m so sorry, it’s SO hard to lose a horse you really love :frowning:

When I lost the real JB, things were very weird for a long time. He was my first horse, I had him from age 5 to 20, and while most of those years were with him on full care board, we did a lot of things together, including a lot of early morning braiding and schooling sessions for on-site shows. I had him on full care board next door when we moved to our farm, for about 5 months, and then here at home for only 6 months when I lost him. I lost him very suddenly, on the operating table where they found many feet of dead intestine due to a strangulating lipoma, so I never got to really say goodbye. The grieving after that was long and hard, made worse by Rio, who was the sole horse at the time, who called on a regular basis, and it echoed in the woods.

About 1 month later I got an OTTB mare (who I still have, 18 years later) but for an entire year, she was “not JB” to me. She was cool, and fun, but she wasn’t JB, and that’s all I could see, because that’s all I focused on. One day, I finally started seeing her for who she was, not who she wasn’t, and that made a world of difference.

It’s been 2 years today that I lost Rio, maybe even more of a heart-horse than JB was. I got him at 6 months, and he was 21 when I had to say goodbye after a chronic lameness he’d managed well with for about 10 years, suddenly became unmanageable. I had months and months realizing his time was coming up fast, so a lot of grieving was done before that day. But in days and weeks after, every First - not fixing his meal, not cleaning his stall, not having 3 stalls filled, not seeing him peek from out behind the barn - took me down a little notch, and kept me from enjoying the 3 horses who were still here.

Eventually that faded.

The points of all that are:

1 - take the time it takes, do the things it takes, for you to grieve, not what anyone else says should be. BUT, the longer and the more you wish for what can never be again, the more stuck you’ll stay. This goes for everything, not just horses.

2 - you have to figure out why you are/were into horses to begin with. If you only got into horses because you met that one, and had no real interest before, maybe this is it for you and horses. But I’m guessing that’s not the case, so at some point, just think about what horses do for you, what feelings they bring, what experiences they allow you to have. There is another horse who can, and will, do those things for you, either in part (because face it, we don’t jive with every single horse), or in totality.

3 - Realize that a next horse is never a replacement. Yes, it’s a body replacement (and expenses!), but the relationsip is never replaced. It’s going to be unique, and quirky, and if one of your things in #2 is that you want to become a better horseman, then everything about the next horse will improve something, even if that one isn’t the next Forever Horse.

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I miss my heart horse every day and although I still enjoy riding and being around them, my life is less rich without him in my life. He and I had a special bond and I don’t think I’ll ever find that with another horse.

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I’m at an age where I feel I have already had the ‘perfect’ horses (and dogs). I’m still growing as a person and will still have horses and dogs, but with the understanding that the joy is bigger than the grief, and that you just never know who is right around the corner to meet you. One of the biggest gifts I gave myself was to express my gratitude with the ones I treasure while they’re still here, and that comforts me when I remember them later.

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Have you ever considered that the once in a lifetime horse is once in a horse’s lifetime?

My first red horse was a once in a lifetime horse, heart horse, whatever you want to call it. I already had the second chestnut when I had to euthanize the first. The second chestnut was a good horse and I don’t regret buying him, and I grieved his passing after he was euthanized. He wasn’t my once in a lifetime, heart horse, what have you but he was pretty special in his own way.

Chestnut #3 is another once in a lifetime horse. It took time for him to get that way, time to build our partnership, time to recognize how special he is to me. Is it the same? No. It’s different without taking anything away from either him or my first red horse.

Enjoy the horses you’re riding for themselves and try to not compare them to the one you lost.

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I’m 62 and have had horses my entire life and lost quite a few. I never use the word experience when talking about myself because even after all these years I don’t consider myself having that much experience, BUT in this case I will use it. So . . . in my “experience”, if you are in horses long enough, you WILL have another heart horse. Of course it will be a different relationship with said horse, but if you open yourself up, it will be just as meaningful. I’ve had three.

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I had to euthanize my Hackney pony in 2010, and I don’t think I will ever be over it. He was hell on wheels driving him, but the sweetest lovebug on the ground. I still miss him every day.

I had started driving my daughter’s grade pony a couple of years before I had to euthanize the Hackney, and I had entirely different but completely fulfilling relationship with him. Even though he was over 30 and retired for a year, I moved him to South Carolina with DH and me. I also miss him every day. His death was also tough because I knew he was the last of the horses for me, and it was hard giving up that part of my life.

I think people can have a wonderful relationship with another horse, even if that one is not “the one.” You just have to let the next one into your heart.

Rebecca

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I lost my heart horse in 2009 and her death changed me. I felt that grief deeper than any other loss in my life and I include the death of both my parents in that.
I bought her as a foal, I did all her training and cared for her every day of her life. We flew together, did stuff I’ve never done with any other horse because I trusted her with my life.
The last 18 months were a nightmare of vet and vet hospital visits, operations that didn’t fix her and she fell apart in front of my eyes.
I couldn’t fix her, nor save her and she was pts aged just 10.
I still cry now when I watch old clips or see pictures of us together, back then I was completely floored and numb with grief.
I already had her 1/2 sister on loan when she passed and I do honestly think if I hadn’t had to care for B I would have given up at that point.
I’m glad I kept going because there have been other special horses since. Some only with me for a short time who also broke my heart, one who challenged me and sent me into a whole new direction, but will never be a heart horse- just a very important teacher (another 1/2 sibling believe it or not!)
My current horse is absolutely a heart horse, he is completely different to my first one, but his character and fire remind me of her.
He is mine, I am his.
He arrived at a very low point in my life - I saved him from a bullet by rehabbing him back to soundness and sanity, he made me fall in love whole heartedly again.
He will be my last riding horse and when he goes I do think that will be it for me.

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I’m sorry for your loss. I have been very blessed in my lifetime with horses. I have been owned by more than one heart horse. I owned multiple horses when I lost my first heart horse. When he had to be euthanized, I grabbed one of my sales projects and told him he had to 'step up to the plate. Quite honestly, I had financial commitments involving the one who died, and I couldn’t just waste them even if my excitement to participate had died with that horse. I accepted that I would not be enjoying my life with horses for quite some time given the huge loss to not just me but my family as well; but, to my surprise my ‘other’ horse accepted the challenge and became bigger than life itself. I didn’t make it easy for him to do so either and it took a while for us ‘to get there’. Since then, I’ve had more come into my life and leave and each time there’s a place in my heart that will never be taken by another but just like with my other pets, I’ve discovered that my heart is bigger than I thought and there’s room for more. I don’t bond or fall in love with every animal (horse, dog, cat, other) that I see. I can certainly appreciate them and care for them to the utmost without having ‘that’ strong bond that a heart horse develops with you; but I’ve learned that I simply have to wait for the horse (or another pet) to choose me and if I listen, I realize that it’s there again. I currently own 4 but one has my whole heart in his hoof. Obviously, I know that there will come a time when I have to say goodbye and as difficult as that is I’d rather live life cherishing that bond for what time I can than not have that opportunity at all. Honestly, I don’t know life without a horse and hope I never do.

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The bond may be different because we change some as we get older.

I had my first horse at age 13 and we were inseparable and did everything for 21 years.

I have had several long term horses since and the bond is strong but different because I have changed. I love them just as much and they are just as important and special to me as he was.

If that makes sense?

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Yes it make sense

Thanks everyone for the responses and sharing your stories,I’m so sorry for all your losses

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Yes, but it takes a long, long time.

I lost my heart horse very suddenly and got the opportunity to lease, and then buy the world’s sweetest, safest, loveliest schoolmaster just a couple of months after.

I have enjoyed him since day 1 but it’s taken almost 2 full years for me to love him wholeheartedly and to stop comparing him to my mare. I think partly I didn’t want to get too attached in case I lost him too.

Of course now he is my heart horse and any future horse will be compared to both him and my mare.

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I’m so sorry. That is exactly how I lost my mare too. She was 23 and surgery wasn’t an option, but it did give me a small bit of comfort for the vets to tell me there is no way we could have known the lipoma was there and no way to prevent it. But I still second guess every minute of her last week alive, the slightest change of behaviour, and anything that might have indicated pain and wonder if I could have saved her from such a traumatic last day. I 100% understand your feelings of failing your horse. It’s so hard.

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This is exactly what happened to JB, almost to a T. The NSCU vet school hoped it was an entrapped spleen, and they did all the things for that - the drug and the lunging to try to get it resolved. When that didn’t happen, I opted to put him on the table, and that’s when they found the damage. You just can’t know until you know. At age 20, the surgeons gave him a 20% chance of a quality of life. If he had been 10, I’d have continued the surgery. But 20? And recovering from a major ressection? And that low a chance? No way, I wouldn’t do that to him. He already had arthritis, it would have been selfish of me to try to get him to hang on just for me. And still, for months, I second guessed myself every day

It’s so rare, it seems for a scenario to not be second guessed :frowning: Strangulating lipomas are sneaky bastard. If you’re lucky, they are causing recurring mild colics to the point you get the horse on the table sooner rather than later. But usually, you don’t know they aren’t there until they’ve done major damage. And in your case? Mares don’t usually get them, it’s largely older geldings. And even having known (a fellow boarder for years) another older gelding who died of a SL, the possibiltiy of that never crossed my, or my vet’s (also that horse’s vet) mind. Hugs :frowning:

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