If a client at my barn had an issue with another boarder/group of boarders, I would want them to come to me. I don’t think it is up to you to address the group of kids: they aren’t yours, and it isn’t your place. I would want to know as soon as the issue arose.
If, on the other hand it is just that your kid misses having a barn group of friends, then I doubt these kids will fit that bill, so she needs to find another barn or friendship group.
I am so glad my BO doesn’t tolerate this type of crap…
It depends on what your options are. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to deal with problem people at the barn. It’s a hobby, and we encounter enough of these situations at work, at school, in our neighborhoods, etc. that it is ok to decide it’s not what we are looking for in a boarding barn. If I left a barn in this scenario, I’d sit down with the owner first because I think they deserve to know.
However, if you and your daughter discuss it you might decide that for whatever reason, it’s not worth it. Maybe the commute to a different barn would be a lot farther, the care isn’t as good, there’s no trainer, etc. If
that is the case, and the threats aren’t actual physical threats, then you’re left with other alternatives. If I were you, I’d suggest your daughter speak to the trainer she knows there and ask for suggestions. The trainer knows the girls and their parents, and might know the best route to take.
All the best. I know in some instances, with alternatives, it just isn’t worth it to fight people problems. You can, but you and your daughter have to sit down and look at it from an adult perspective and consider all of the options.
Have you met teenagers? :lol:
I spend all day, every day with teenagers. Telling them to “shut the f up and knock it off” doesn’t always go as planned. Would you believe people don’t like being told to “shut the f up” and don’t tend to listen to those requests?
I’m not saying the adults shouldn’t be involved and talk to them-- that absolutely needs to happen. If the trainer and barn manager don’t care about this, then that’s a problem.
OP, if you haven’t done so already, you need to tell the trainer and manager what’s happening behind the scenes. If they don’t feel they need to take action, well then here’s your sign. It’s time to move. It’s not unusual to “outgrow” a relationship, even a professional one.
But I also don’t think there’s any problem being the adult in the room, so to speak. I understand you’re all paying customers, but if the teenagers are acting out of line, then say something to them. Constructively and politely (and NOT on behalf of your daughter). I’m as non-confrontational as they come, but if I heard a bunch of middle schoolers making threats, I’d interject and point out they shouldn’t be saying things like that. Being a teenager is all about trying to figure out boundaries, and they often don’t know when they are over the line.
This is when enough is enough. The barn is supposed to be a fun place that you enjoy, if you find yourself trying to constantly rearrange your schedule so you don’t see those people, it’s already time to start looking at ways to solve the problem by either confronting it or leave.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like you’re in much position to successfully confront the the situation and make any changes. And that sucks. I know how difficult it is to leave a barn full of good memories, but I also know that staying at a barn full of drama with people who were making me avoid coming out to see my horse almost destroyed my love of riding. I’m not saying barn-hop any time there’s a little bit of drama, but seriously if it’s gotten to the point where you have to actively avoid seeing certain people at your barn in order to enjoy your time there, then it’s already gone too far.
In a perfect world, the situation wouldn’t occur, and in an almost-perfect world, a firm but unemotional “knock it off” in front of at least one adult witness would bring the threatening kids to their senses. But as others have pointed out, saying something doesn’t always go as planned. One or more parents might get up in arms, not really the OP’s place, etc.
And one more big thing, in addition to her daughter - what about the horses? There are countless warnings on this board about giving notice but leaving right away and eating the loss of a month’s board when a boarding situation has gone sour in case an ADULT barn manager or owner retaliates in various ways that affect a horse’s well being. I personally would think hard about confronting bratty kids when they could retaliate against my horse(s). There’s a whole range of minor to major things that could happen to a person’s horse, or even just one’s tack or belongings.
I am bemused at the notion that if one just “adults up” all will magically be fine, that really this is sort of the OP’s fault for not being assertive or whatever. That’s fantasy in my opinion because the OP has vulnerabilities in the situation and at the same time she doesn’t have any real power (she is not the BO or BM). Right, confront these kids, never mind her daughter or her horses! Or her saddle that might get scratched “accidentally,” etc.
Of course the kids might magically realize the error of their ways and immediately sign up for hundreds of hours of community service and a missionary trip as well, but I am with those who consider there’s potentially more to it than the OP just needs to put these kids in their places. The social contract that kids defer to reasonable adults just really isn’t there if the BO/BM/ culture of a particular barn doesn’t make it so.
I don’t think anyone is saying if one “adults up” the problem will be miraculously fixed. The common theme in these threads is it’s unclear if the OP has brought this to the attention of the BM. She sure hasn’t told her trainer. That is what I mean by adult up. I still don’t see a problem with telling kids to knock it off if I over hear or see something and bringing it to the attention of the BM or trainer.
It also sounds like the OP has never even tried chatting with the parents in general. Her comment about that leads me to believe she feels left out as well. That may be the case. But if one doesn’t make an effort one will never know.
I’m not blaming the OP but if she doesn’t use her words and talk to the BM and trainer about what’s going on there is nothing they can do. Also, if the OP feels left out with the group of parents without ever trying to get to know them or start conversations then that’s on the OP as well.
We cannot expect people to read our minds nor can we sit in the background and wonder why no one is friendly with us.
What are your other boarding options, OP? It may really depend on whether there is good care and training at another place. If so, give it a try. Don’t burn bridges with the owner. But first, sit down with trainer and owner and explain what is going on, give them a real chance to fix it. If they do nothing, well you have your answer.
This. All of this. I’ve been a camp counselor, 4H leader, given lessons to some great kids and some bratty kids and embarrassing them via the first paragraph is far more effective than punishing them. Call them out and make their little brains think about it.
Third paragraph 100% as well. My last barn had zero drama (not at all that my current barn does!). BM absolutely did not put up with drama and shut it down and found a solution as soon as it began.
Oh hell yes! How brilliant. What is it Kathy Griffin said, most people run from horrible behavior but I just pull up a chair? I find this entertaining, and keep in mind that middle school age shenanigans last about six months. Just power through and use deliberate questions, like “what am I supposed to do with this information?” “How do you expect me to react to that?” “Could you pleas repeat that so I can record it? I’m afraid no one will believe me”. Laugh. Go on about your business and don’t let them drive you away. It will pass and you will have good cocktail talk.
Sometimes “barn culture” changes. There’s really not much you can do about it. Leaving it usually the best plan.
Definitely think about your horses and if anything could happen to them. I left my last barn the day after I paid board because I found out (I had been suspicious) that two boarders were handling my horse while I wasn’t there. There were no problems with my previous horse, but when my current one arrived, one of the boarders decided she wanted my new horse and retaliated when I wouldn’t give the horse to her.
My advice would be to leave. Find a new barn where you’re both happy.
To the person asking if I know teens…yes, I’m in a barn full of them, and, if any have spoken to me in a nasty way I’ve darn well called them on it! If parents are around, I’ve also let them know exactly why I called poopsykins out. I will not tolerate nastiness to myself or anyone…I’ll call them on it if I witness it and you bet if it doesn’t stop trainer and or BO will know. Over the years we’ve definitely had some troublemakers (not just teens), and BO has dealt with them appropriately!
just to add…I’ve mainly found teens to be just fine, it’s the other women that have been cattier over the years…teens are more “insta drama” then it’s done!
Speak to the person who actually runs the barn be it BO,BM or trainer. If nothing changes, you will need to just move because it’s not going to change.
Teens are tough because they often rebel against any adult authority yet are often still protected by mama bear who dorsnot allow other adults to reprimand their child. meanwhile the brat as running to tattle on you for being mean when she was doing nothing at all. Yeah, right. Good luck with that,
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Barns often don’t do anything because it’s not their job to chaperone the children of others if they are permitted at the barn without adult supervision and no barn rules are broken. Barns with resident trainers are far less likely to have issues with packs of teens then boarding barns serving as de facto baby sitters or an alternative to hanging at the mall.
Often you need to move several times to find just the right barn for you or be sure to observe any prospective barn enough to really sense that barn culture. Best barns have posted rules and adult paid staff there at all times. Course that’s going to cost more.
Yes Findeight…I did once have an overprotective mamabear, say to me “how dare you tell my child she was wrong”…I just looked at her and said “your poopsikins was being rude to MY face and I will not allow a child to talk and treat me that way! Looks like you haven’t raised her with the manners you think you have” and I walked away…,guess who was nicer than pie to me after that…mama bear AND poopsikins lol. I do not tolerate outright rudeness…if the kid runs to mom, let them, although most times I’ve seen mom first!
I think a lot depends on what sort of mean. Constant snide comments are pretty much par for teen groups, unfortunately, especially when they are running in packs. Without knowing what kind of threats and to whom it is directed, it’s hard to say when enough is enough. Probably whenever you feel it enough to pull up and move out.
Barn culture changes constantly as groups move out and new ones evolve. You say you have friends at this barn - are they fed up too, or are you the only one feeling this? I think a lot depends on that answer. If its only you, you may just be ‘done’ with this place, and that’s okay - time to pull up and move out. If your friends at the barn are feeling fed up too, it would likely carry more weight if you collectively approached the BO about your concerns. Perhaps you can reach some agreement such as moving your friend group horses to the same area in the barn where No Pre-Teens Are Allowed (and don’t need to regularly be) so you can have more peace. Or a new rule, ‘no more than 2 unsupervised preteens in the aisle at a time.’
It would be interesting to hear what older people thought of your daughter’s group when they were pre-teens.
It is frustrating when someone starts a thread like this and never comes back with more information.
Sorry it took so long to update. I’ve been out of town for work, and the flu hit our house. 
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To answer a few questions - I have talked to our trainer (but before we started to think about moving). She isn’t where the bullying happens for the most part. It’s worst in the aisle/tack room when she’s at the arena teaching. These girls are also quite advanced in their mean girl game and rarely do it when adults are around - they certainly wouldn’t say anything within her hearing range. I overhear things, though, and have called them out on it before, but it hasn’t changed anything.
As for the other parents, these girls are all now old enough to be dropped off at the barn. When they were younger, their parents didn’t really do much but sit ringside and visit. Very little supervision by parents. The BM is absent during most of this drama, too. His job is to take care of the horses (which he does well) and he ignores all the rest.
As for our other options, they’re slim right now. When we moved here one concern was a lack of barns. There are two other options that may be do-able, but both are significantly further away from home and have things that make me concerned about being able to continue to progress, show, etc. One is more eventing focused and the other is without a jumper trainer right now.
On the bright side, DD’s friends are almost all home for spring break, and all are hanging out together all week. They’re having a blast!
This x1000.
OP is it you that has the problem or your DD? I ask because you originally gave the impression that these kids parents were hanging around at the barn as well. Now you say the kids are old enough to be dropped off. To me that sounds like you have always had a problem with these kids.
What did your trainer say when you brought this up?
If your daughter is dabbling in dressage per another thread I would move to the eventing barn if you are unhappy at your current barn.
I see see no reason for hand wringing over a bunch of kids. It’s astonishing that they have that much of an impact on an adults life.
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