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Emotions over horse retiring

Six months or so ago, I made the decision to officially retire my horse based on my vet’s recommendations. She has struggled with ongoing soundness issues for the past several years, and my goal is to keep her as physically comfortable for as long as possible, so for multiple reasons, retirement was the best option. The past several (4~ years), it has been a battle to keep her sound. I’ve had her 10 years. She’s 15.

Although the retirement was not a shock because of her issues, it has still been heartbreaking for me. I put many thousands of dollars into attempting to keep her sound, took her to the best vet hospital in the state, etc., so it was an ongoing battle. Even now, I’m not sure how many years she has left–I hope a long time, but the past two or so years her issues have gotten worse faster than I anticipated, and I make myself sick with anxiety over trying to play guessing games about how many more years she’ll be comfortable. She’s currently pasture sound, but I won’t have her standing around unable to move one day because she’s in pain, so I know I’ll have to make the decision one day.

In addition to the uncertainty over her future, I also find myself grieving her “past life” quite often. We did jumpers and low-level eventing together and she was my absolute dream horse to ride. Looking at past pictures and videos of us together brings me grief instead of happiness. I also will see photos and videos of other people enjoying their horses, and I grieve that I no longer have a horse to ride, which has been my one very time consuming hobby since I was a kid. I’ve tried to pick up several other hobbies, but it’s certainly not the same, and I miss riding so much.

Right now, I’m in graduate school for the next 3~ years, so I don’t have the money to buy a second horse until I finish. Selling my mare is absolutely not an option, as I love her too much and her maintenance is still quite expensive, and I would never give a lame horse that has been with me for 10 years to someone else. I just don’t know how to stop grieving the past with her and the end of my riding for the next several years. Because of her needs, paying for weekly lessons isn’t really in the cards either, and I don’t know of anyone who has a horse I could regularly ride. The idea of not owning and riding a second horse for at least 3 years is depressing.

Sorry for the vent. Has anyone had to retire their heart horse earlier than expected? Is grief over “losing” a horse that is still alive even a thing?

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I thinks it’s understandable you would grieve the loss of your riding partnership with your horse

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I’m sorry. I’m in grad school right now, too and haven’t had time to ride my horse more than once in the past month or so. I spend the time caring for her needs, but not actually riding until I get a break for school. Maybe you can find a situation locally where someone has a second horse that needs a rider. Just hacking out for fun with another person might help ease your pain? I’ve seen people advertise at feed stores as a student rider looking for someone with an extra horse.

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I had my horse for 24 years, and half my life when I had to put him down, six years after retirement.
It’s very reasonable to grieve the loss of this connection. It is very sad.
It gets better, I promise.

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How are you with green horses? Since losing my mare, I’ve had lots of offers to ride green horses for people who need an experienced rider, and it works well since it benefits both sides without money exchanging hands.

Sometimes people with an older horse and a young horse also look for someone to do some gentle flat work or trail rides with the older horse while they’re busy with the young one (usually when the older horse can’t handle the amount of work that a lease would entail).

Even if you don’t know of anyone right now who needs a rider, get the word out that you’re looking to ride, either through friends or social media. You could meet new horse people who could become good friends.

As far as your memories go, it will get better. You’ll be able to look back on the good memories and smile, but it will take some time for the sadness to pass first.

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I think the emotional connections we build with an animal we ride/ own/ love is part of why horselovers love horses so much. (Like motorcycles are fun but a bike doesn’t perk its ears up, nicker softly at you or come to the fen e to greet you. Or run away when you want to catch it. :laughing: ). Your mare is lucky to have someone who loves her so much. Sounds like you two didn’t have much ride time togwther due to her health issues. I can see where that would hurt, and it’s only natural to mourn that loss and ‘what could’ve been’, especially since she’s still fairly young- some boarders at my barn still ride horses that are 28+ old. One boy is 34 and still plods along under saddle and enjoys it. Othera retired in theor late teens due to health.

Is your mare sound enough for somwthing like clicker training or trick training? Just somwthing you could do with her on the ground? (Or just spend time with her and enjoy the rest of your time together?). As far as saddle time goes, any way you could maybe do a partial lease just for hack time? Or ride greenies for a trainer? Or just someone looking for an extra rider? Even if its just short hacks on a loose rein, saddle time is saddle time and any saddle time is better than none at all. And you’d still have your girl.
School won’t last forever. Your circumstances are only temporary even if it seems like a very long tunnel right now. You’ll get through it to the other side.
I never got to own my heart horse, but I did get to know him. Devil pony who belonged to my grandpa’s friend. I still have the shoe he threw and his bit. Sometimes I think the deeper you love them the deeper the loss of them cuts.

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Yes. This is a profound grief …take your emotions seriously… be extra kind to yourself. I’m sorry for your loss of a part of your life with your mare. ((hugs))

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Welcome to my world. I say that because I am in exactly the same place… grieving. I know it’s for the best, but every time the topic comes up, I cry. This includes right now.

13 1/2 years, so much done, so much undone. It’s been years of struggling to keep her sound enough to ride, and I’ve just run out of things to try. I’ve considered retiring her in the past, but this time it’s for real, and it feels a whole lot worse.

It’s tough. Seriously.

(And yes, I agree with others – ask around about horses that just need to be ridden more. E.g. I have a friend who doesn’t trail ride alone. She has 2 horses, and just yesterday I rode her little mare for the first time so my friend could ride her gelding. 18 years old and backyard level of training, which is to say, a bit green, but she’s a sweetheart. I am not a good enough rider to take on “schooling” someone else’s horse… but I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how generous horsepeople can be.)

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OP, your grief is entirely normal, because it IS a loss. I know exactly how you feel. In 2019 I bought my dream horse. We clicked in our second ride, in a way that I have never clicked with any other horse. We had a partnership unlike any other (and I have ridden going on 4 decades and have owned 5 other horses and leased many others). Almost a year to the day that I bought him, he sustained an injury that would ultimately prove to be unfixable. For six months, we tried every available medical treatment, but ultimately the vets declared him permanently retired. Luckily, he is pasture sound, and I can provide an excellent retirement for him (He was 16 when this happened). But don’t think I didn’t grieve intensely. It was the death of our partnership, and I don’t know that I will be lucky enough to ever have that same kind of partnership with another. I still randomly cry over a year later, when I talk about him. And he’s fat and sassy and loving his life.

Let yourself be sad. It is reasonable to grieve the loss of a partnership. But remind yourself that this is a chapter in the journey that is your love affair with horses and riding - not the entire novel. You will be able to ride again, and you will have other partnerships that are rewarding and challenging. You will continue to grow as a horsewoman. At present, your riding life might look a little different, due to your current time and financial constraints. But that is ok too. It will continue to evolve as your life evolves. That’s one of the incredible things about this crazy sport we do.

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I am not there yet but my mare 17, who I have owned since she was a weanling is off and on sound. She was doing well for months and then did something stupid on very hard ground in the pasture and we were back to almost square one.

I love riding her and she loves being ridden, so it is hard. She appears sound again but I will just wait till Spring and start again.

I do have a 3 year old I am starting so that definitely helped me. Your grief and loss are certainly normal and it is not an easy thing to get past when you weren’t ready to retire from riding.

I agree you should see if you can find someone who might need their horse ridden a few days a week.

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I’m sorry you and your mare are going through this.

I was in a very similar situation when my gelding had to be completely retired at almost 11 years old, and I think it’s totally normal to have these emotions here. I was devastated that he had to be retired so young and desperately missed riding, since I wasn’t (and still am not) in a financial position to own a second horse. He’s 19 now and I still miss riding him, but it does get easier with time. I think it’s totally normal to grieve the loss of a riding career with your horse, it’s been a major component of the relationship with your mare.

As for worrying about the future and eventually having to make a decision, I had (and still have!) those concerns too. if you haven’t already, I’d have a thorough conversation with your horse’s vet about where your mare is now and what to expect/watch out for as time goes on.

I also agree with those who’ve said to ask around about getting some riding time. Are there any boarders who need their horses worked while they’re busy/out of town? Any lesson horses that need a tune up? Any horses you know of that could be affordably half-leased/shareboarded? You could also check out therapeutic riding centers near you. The therapeutic riding center I work at allows volunteers to ride the lesson horses occasionally as a “thank you” for volunteering.

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Yes, it’s normal. I too had a horse that had to be retired at age 11. I had plans to do new things with him that he would never be capable of doing. I still vividly remember the dream I had of riding him at a local competition venue out on XC. I woke up crying because it could never happen.

I have a 23 year old now who would have been really good at Endurance, but he can’t compete because of the drugs that keep him breathing. I have grieved that lost dream. I am afraid I will get it wrong when the time comes to let him go and I will be calling the vet to come and euthanize because he can’t breathe. Summer is his bad time so I plan to let him go in the spring before he starts to struggle. I hope we have a couple more years, but every year requires a little more.

Let yourself grieve your lost dreams. They were important to you. Perhaps you will experience those dreams with another horse in the future. I did. I still feel sad about not doing it with the horse that started that dream. It’s okay. Grieve the loss and you will be better able to enjoy what you do have.

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Well if there’s one club I don’t want to be in it’s this one but here I am with you all. Yes, it does take grieving and it will get easier to accept as time goes by. What keeps me going is NEVER.GIVE.UP.

It may take a few years and yes, look for a way to ride some other horses in the meantime. But have a vision that you WILL have another great horse. Because you can and will. Unless you are 80 it’s too late. Otherwise there are YEARS to go with this passion. Many years.

I’ve had a couple really nice horses in my life and fully believe it will happen again and in the meantime I’m in the trenches of being really broke with two broken horses. My old guy was truly a magic carpet ride and then I took on a rescue situation thinking it was just her teeth. Nope. Have spent many thousands trying to fix her and after 6 yrs accepting she does not want to be ridden.

My idea is to get a mustang and have someone start it. I’m at least another year out and I’m mostly years now without doing what I want. Out hacking at the parks, riding in clinics, showing a little. All in the past and oh what glorious days they were.

But I will not give up. NEVER.GIVE.UP. EVER.

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This. Look forward to a lifetime with horses and in hind sight you will treasure all the learning and all the memories that each brought to you.

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You’re not crazy for “grieving”.

A number of years ago, I had to retire a perfectly sound 15yo. He had taken me from First level to Prix St. Georges and earned me my Bronze medal and 3 of 4 scores for my Silver. I loved that horse. But one day he just quit on me. We looked into every veterinary possibility. I gave him time off. I even talked to an animal communicator. In the end, we determined he was just tired of doing work in the ring. I could still bang out lines of 2 tempis in the field, but he refused to do a damn thing in the ring.

So I retired him. I cried and raged and wept. And in the end, I found him a wonderful home where he gets to go out on trails and enthrall his new person’s friend with his FEI moves. I’m still sad, now, nearly 5 years later. But I know I did right by him and that’s the best we can do for our horses.

For now, give yourself some space to be sad and know that its OK. You’re doing the right thing. And I feel your pain. Feel free to PM me if you want to be sad some more to someone who gets it.

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I’m sorry for the delay in answering–I decided to take a few days away from everything to try to reset.

I am so very grateful for these overwhelmingly kind responses. I talked to one friend about the situation who is having trouble understanding why I don’t just sell her and get a new horse, and why I essentially allow myself to feel this way because I will not sell her, and it made me feel a bit invalidated. I’m sure everyone here understands the many reasons why I cannot (and do not want to by any stretch!) sell my horse, but the conversation did cause me to question if my grief is normal.

Due to the retirement, I also moved her to a retirement farm that is extremely different than the show barn she was boarded at (I simply couldn’t afford it anymore, and it didn’t make sense), and she went from stall board to full pasture board, and I’ve been having some trouble with adjusting to that myself. The retirement farm is also much farther from my house, so I went from seeing her 4 times a week to now 2 times a week. I’ve not been able to find anything closer (I wish I could just find someone who owned a few horses and wanted one boarder), and it’s just been…hard.

I’m going to give it a few months and then maybe try to see if anyone has a horse they just want hacked once or twice a week. I think that’s a good idea, so I appreciate that advice. I guess for so long, I’ve truly only wanted to ride my horse, and it still hurts that I can’t and makes me not even want to ride someone else’s horse. I’m hoping that will fade.

Again, thank you all so very much for your kindness. I’m going to reread these responses for a while, I’m sure.

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All our horses are on 24/7 turnout. Think like a horse, they are happier that way. They come in for feed, sometimes a few hrs to nap by themselves in a stall. Can she move around reasonably, not knowing what the soundness issues are. She has companionship? Simple needs are organic.

There are many threads, and supporters here who can talk you through this.

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Just a note on this. I have a good friend who has retired several VERY high maintenance show horses over the years. These are horses who, some of them, have never been able to really manage with any kind of free-form turnout and needed to be managed very closely to ensure their mental health. Every single one of them adapted to the 24/7 turnout at the retirement facility and went on to live happily for YEARS. Good for you for choosing what was right for your horse.

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It will never feel the same as riding your own horse, but I frame it in my mind as saddle time and time spent around horses in general that keeps me going until the time is right for my next horse.

It’s been quite an adjustment to no longer have decision-making power over a horse, and to not feel as much progress in my rides as I would riding the horse five or six days a week. I’m lucky, however, that the horse owner in my case asks for and values my input, and we share a lot of the same opinions regarding horse care and training.

Even while keeping a thin mental wall up in order not to get overly attached to a horse who isn’t mine, my riding days make a huge difference to my mental health. Definitely give it a try if you can, and if it doesn’t feel right to you after trying it, then you can always stop.

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Here’s a question: if your retiree cannot go out on pasture, is there any way to simulate the “living life like a horse”?

My mare is insulin resistant and a very easy keeper. I do hand graze her, and her paddock has a small amount of grass, but I think putting her on pasture would be asking for trouble. But it seems like a lot of retirement places won’t take a horse like her. (And yes, I know that feeding hay year round is more expensive; I’m not trying to get super low cost board for her, because it just isn’t possible.)