Six months or so ago, I made the decision to officially retire my horse based on my vet’s recommendations. She has struggled with ongoing soundness issues for the past several years, and my goal is to keep her as physically comfortable for as long as possible, so for multiple reasons, retirement was the best option. The past several (4~ years), it has been a battle to keep her sound. I’ve had her 10 years. She’s 15.
Although the retirement was not a shock because of her issues, it has still been heartbreaking for me. I put many thousands of dollars into attempting to keep her sound, took her to the best vet hospital in the state, etc., so it was an ongoing battle. Even now, I’m not sure how many years she has left–I hope a long time, but the past two or so years her issues have gotten worse faster than I anticipated, and I make myself sick with anxiety over trying to play guessing games about how many more years she’ll be comfortable. She’s currently pasture sound, but I won’t have her standing around unable to move one day because she’s in pain, so I know I’ll have to make the decision one day.
In addition to the uncertainty over her future, I also find myself grieving her “past life” quite often. We did jumpers and low-level eventing together and she was my absolute dream horse to ride. Looking at past pictures and videos of us together brings me grief instead of happiness. I also will see photos and videos of other people enjoying their horses, and I grieve that I no longer have a horse to ride, which has been my one very time consuming hobby since I was a kid. I’ve tried to pick up several other hobbies, but it’s certainly not the same, and I miss riding so much.
Right now, I’m in graduate school for the next 3~ years, so I don’t have the money to buy a second horse until I finish. Selling my mare is absolutely not an option, as I love her too much and her maintenance is still quite expensive, and I would never give a lame horse that has been with me for 10 years to someone else. I just don’t know how to stop grieving the past with her and the end of my riding for the next several years. Because of her needs, paying for weekly lessons isn’t really in the cards either, and I don’t know of anyone who has a horse I could regularly ride. The idea of not owning and riding a second horse for at least 3 years is depressing.
Sorry for the vent. Has anyone had to retire their heart horse earlier than expected? Is grief over “losing” a horse that is still alive even a thing?